Convenience

A judgment I have about why people afflict judgment is because it’s convenient, It’s easier to say he’s not getting a full-time job because he’s “lazy”..

Instead of saying, He’s been predisposed to anxiety, and was labeled, which lowered his confidence, which was made even lower by individuals using his social, emotional and learning vulnerabilities against him, such as their non-learning challenged witty sarcasm and various verbal abuse towards him.. Which has instilled lower confidence, higher anxiety, and instead of facing his fears of finding a job in a survival of the fittest society, his mind unconsciously fixates on obsessive compulsive behavior, to feel more secure.. but his obsessive voice always wants more.. and instead of being productive, he gets trapped in the obsessive behavior, out of the fear that if he does not comply with the obsessive voice that it will “always” be there, which makes him feel that his life will always be miserable.. So he doesn’t look for work, until he thinks his way out of obsessive compulsive “disorder”, which always appears to but never has totally worked..

And due to social isolation, Zero guidance on emotional awareness practice, he winds up on the prevalently emphasized quick-fix prescribed and non-prescribed medication, He reinforces blocking out his problems, which give him other problems..

Then because of all his unsolved problems, unmet needs and mistreatment, He unconsciously hits an emotional breaking point, Causing others to say, “He’s a bad guy who needs more punishment”, All because, for them, it’s convenient..

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Regarding empathy, it’s easier or more convenient, To say “he was born without it”, Instead of, “Due to brutal mistreatment, social rejection and without enough offering from others empathetic connection, he gravitated towards isolation, blocked out sadness of rejection to feel better.. and blocked out yearning for connection with others, therefore he didn’t have enough support and opportunity to DEVELOP empathy”, Again.. It’s comfortably convenient to believe.. “It’s just his biology”..

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Regarding emotions, it’s more convenient to say, “he was born without them”, instead of, “the emotional pain he’s experienced due to his predisposed emotion reaction tendency to environmental external trauma and adversity eventually reinforced an unconscious tendency to block out and suppress his feelings, since it was all he knew, and he didn’t have enough support to respond to the emotion in other ways..”

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As for myself.. I’ve been conditioned due to passing down dominant unconscious cultural perceptions too, like convenience.. But I just hope we remember, Is there more to what we believe as true? That can help us get through and appreciate more of life? Or help us resist less inevitable experiences we hate? How can we prepare for the worst and discover as much as we can? Yes the answers may be obvious, But what’s causing our decisions to not do this?

Would it help if we seek more towards existence instead of just external convenience ? It may not be convenient to do that, It may not seem rewarding, But the more we consider, the more that we become open to discover.. I guess..?

But to say it’s a waste is more convenient.. 

I believe that (as implied).. Rational viewpoints cannot be responded to rationally by irrational states of awareness.. Even if the person with irrational behavior understands us, Their irrationality is an out of control impulse, To run away from whatever it is they’re desperately resisting to experience.. So to feel more secure, they might “name call” us to feel emotional power over us? So if they’re mean to us, (and assuming it’s convenient and safe for us).. May we STILL resist the convenience of responding with their same type of egoic power trip meanness.. but even if we’re aware of this.. and are in emotional pain.. we’ll be more susceptible to getting sucked into this.. because of the convenience..

We may cling to polarized stereotypes such as liberals are too “emotional and unstable” while conservatives are too “violent and judgmental” while moderates choose not to get involved because they’re too “cowardly, selfish and evil”.. and while progressives are too “arrogant and hypocritical” for example.. We’ll try to prove each other wrong, not to be right, but not to give the opportunity to the other to use our incorrectness against us.. to avoid more insecure ego pain.. since our egos have unconsciously permeated our awareness.. So essentially.. All this egoic tripping.. seems to me as divisive toxic unconscious convenience..

And WOW!! All this insecurity that has unconsciously built up in me that my ego wants to compensate for makes me so tempted to excessively focus on me instead of giving forth to sentient reality.. I’m really struggling to resist less and accept that this discomfort is presently inevitably with me..

Based on my awareness level I’m trying so freakin’ hard to NOT be excessively, pointlessly analytical, Instead of just taking and being present with what comes!! Shit!! What a pointless struggle!!

Sorry if I’m repeating myself again.. but to me, my inherited vulnerability to excessive bullshit from others, Is largely because of my mom during her pregnancy with me, not getting a needed treatment such as an IV to prevent SEVERE morning sickness dehydration since it was “too much money” for the insurance company so they CONVENIENTLY prescribed a cheaper medication called Phenergan.. which (regardless of intention).. helped the lucrative drug company, saved the insurance providers money, but negatively affected my environmental response tendencies to bad experiences such as bullying.. Which.. shaped my development and decision making such as refraining from socializing but instead caused me to chose to spend my whole time in high school, by myself, in my room, “doing my own thing”, such as filming YouTube videos for hours to get a juggling trick on video to validate my damaged ego, which I believed was the deepest essence to existence as it’s been passed down to me, as the (unconscious in my opinion..) belief formed and solidified throughout millions of years of history.. so I desperately, and therefore conveniently.. wanted to feel better about my ego.. since (regardless of deep existential truth.. whatever that is..?) I didn’t feel I had enough support from the culture I was exposed to.. to be selfless.. because it’s inconvenient, and I guess takes commitment..

so.. as I always (or often try..), I don’t mean to make anyone feel guilty or pass judgment.. even if (as for other writing), I appear to villainize a character based on an experience of an actual anonymous person who has hurt or continuously harmed me..

It’s just (or mostly..) my expression of how I felt, based on examples I remember in my history.. And if I can’t remember all or a lot of specific examples, as of now, I remember my experiences with people has been hard.. just to observe.. 

Oh yes.. some may CONVENIENTLY say, “his problems are ONLY because of his privilege”, therefore unintentionally implying not having privilege but having other (or worse) struggles or pain, in exchange, is all I can do to not struggle how I am, and build character to become a “man”.. which to me is closed-minded and negative.. In my opinion, although pain may force us to open, to get through and past whatever we’re struggling with.. we can STILL open inwardly through support and practice, without MERELY needing some form of immense painful experience,

But I assume, whoever may have conveniently put it in those words, “no pain, no gain”, means (even if unaware), more goodness than that kind of simplistic convenient judgment.. 

All I can try to do.. I guess.. is resist less.. inevitable inconvenience when the time comes, When I can’t escape anymore, What I’m struggling and possibly being afflicted with, mentally, emotionally, socially, physically.. whatever describes my present struggle in this experience,

To me, Closed-mindedness is easiest and most convenient, And open-mindedness, although it seemingly takes more effort and commitment (or discipline I guess..), may better prepare us for inevitable darkness.. So (once again).. without me intending judgment, I wish that others (including myself) remain encouraged to try staying open-minded, in the scary, dark, tempting moments of destructive convenience, to escape the painful presence..

I wish that all or at least more.. sustain open-awareness and commitment, to discover and attain the most out of the present, in which consciousness seems to occur.. for the improvement of ourselves and everyone ideally but also practically speaking ACCORDING TO ME, 

Sorry if all that sounded too arrogant.. It’s just where I believe my awareness is at..

In my opinion, Not all convenience is bad.. I just hope to avoid brutal consequences..

Well.. I wish for good, fruitful awareness..

If lots of my writing is unconsciously intended for validating my ego instead of trying to help better myself and others then well.. partly based on a lot of what I already wrote.. I wish to not feel painfully guilty, for that or my victim mentality, that I unconsciously instilled in response to my history.. 

I’m doing my best, as everyone else is regardless of their doing.. We’re just responding to perceiving by forming beliefs and actions (which correlate to different and the same extents depending on where the individual (us) is at..).. So I guess those that chose or decided to do evil were just reacting to the best of their present understanding.. I’m NOT excusing, But awareness seems more important for preventing evil behavior and suffering which to some may be obvious, but I guess it takes practice (and support if needed) to remember to embody and remain consciously in alignment with this..

One personal take-away I have from experiences writing is that when my thoughts become disorganized for whatever reasons, It’s more convenient to try to solve them by more thinking for a final “secure” conclusion.. (similar to what I said in my first posted WordPress.com poem.. which as of September 16, 2021.. at 12:48am.. is still up there..), ..but that just leads to more thinking.. I guess, there’s always more feeling and knowing.. I mean that positively speaking since the unknown, to me, has gotten frightening..

Now I must conveniently slow down my thoughts..

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Wow.. the current just flows by.. I feel like I decently caught on to “typical” information processing speed.. But I still need to continue working SMARTER and HARDER.. If you “paid attention” such as I did.. maybe you’ll also believe that.. sometimes those two words may depend on each other.. Oh yeah I have a “rhetorical” random question (as some might say).. Is labeling people as “psychotic” lazily reductive and lazily efficient or do I just not know anything regarding that shit..? As for past experience.. mine’s been different.. If you’ve had it harder.. I guess.. please contribute to being ethically present and not assuming out of context.. If you take what you learned the hard way to give forth instead of making other “pay you back”.. I then thank you..

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May we not be too selfishly convenient with our “subjective judgment criteria”.. I tried just now by omitting the word “lazy”.. which I feel is self-explanatory to many..

And I guess.. if we don’t have creativity to share.. well.. as for preaching to myself, if all expression is deprived from us due to whatever the reasons or conditioning environmental forces, I can still “be with it”.. I can still find that discipline.. 

And since text messaging has seemingly CONVENIENTLY efficiently inhibited (or jeopardized?) expression abilities, such as saying “r” instead of “arrrrrre”, or.. “psy” instead of psychology.. how are the future generations going to advocate for their rights precisely.. if we don’t.. NON-VIOLENTLY.. be careful with technology ?

(Spoiler alert: I referenced my understanding of George Orwell’s “Newspeak” from his book “1984”..)

I don’t mean to promote false conspiracy.. but just.. trying to take steps to ask myself, to reinforce in myself, how does my ability to understand choice and make decisions affect all else around me and who are also interdependent with me ?

My mind is a little manic at the moment.. (not “atm” because that’s more uncertain.. and should (in my opinion) be used primarily for an emergency..), but in a nutshell.. aside.. from convenience.. I’m just wishing for PRACTICALITY..

And due to my robotic mentality.. I think consistent EMPATHETIC cultivation is crucial for my inner, moral and emotional strength.. I’m now “checking in” on my breath , And if you just act on autopilot too much.. in my opinion.. you’ll more likely dangerously lose touch.. So we can put on work-focus “blinders” without going blind so to speak..

And it may be convenient for those in power to excuse their convenience (or convenient judgment of others) as “efficient”.. but if we’re only efficient.. we may not always get the big picture.. we may just live on the surface.. 

Stay safe, stay well, and step by step.. I’m wishing we’ll try to face our fears without hate of those who make us struggle.. Okay.. enough writing.. Inhale…. 

Exhale

Right now my OCD is saying to not post this since the date is “9/16” because if you flip the “9” you get “616” which I’ve heard on Google is the “devil’s number” in addition to “666”.. but I must not shut my truth down with the conditions of one or many others beliefs and experiences.. No, that would not be living freely, but it would give power to the obsessive compulsive devil to control me..

Freedom is not OCD! Freedom is not OCD! I will learn from my intuition! Not conformist tradition! Even if that puts me at risk of greater isolation.. I will not destructively run away because time will always catch up someday! Well.. My actions will always say more about me than my words..

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I know (at least for me) it’s not often cheap, easy and convenient to be mindful of immense brutal parasitic convenience.. such as going to McDonald’s to TEMPORARILY eat our way out of the depression we’ve unconsciously conditioned in response to our life.. at the expense of sentient beings in slaughter houses.. And since it’s not my fault for eating slaughtered animals.. and since punishment does not enlighten or permanently prevent a conditioned behavior from occurring (since it suppresses instead of heals or cleanses).. it’s our awareness for better decision making that (at least speaking for myself).. needs to be PROPERLY developing..

May seeds of awareness NOT be contaminated through traumatic punishment, but open a door for us down an everlasting path of true enlightenment, whether it’s for safe technological advancement.. or for wherever and however we seek personal, existential improvement,

Lastly.. Aside from the genre of writing that may most suit this, And since I can’t promise what and when I’ll write (or type, or post) next, Thanks again for reading this 🙏