As for not having what I want, I can count on the feeling of wanting what I don’t have, to pass,
My obsessive ego expectations have never been complete, And if I never achieve everything my ego expectations require for my ego to be considered “perfect”, I can count on, The unachieved expectations leaving and my consciousness continuing on,
Throughout my life, I’ve had experiences that conditioned how I view and value myself, I’ve unconsciously conditioned obsessive future expectations for myself, That my ego regards as “more important” than appreciating the present just by itself,
All I want is to appreciate what I experience right now, But my ego, Too often, Says I “must” do so much first..
It’s not that having goals are my problem, My problem is that I too often unconsciously view I “cannot” experience true present fulfilling consciousness until all goals are “complete”,
Although I think I’m reasonably consciously aware of this problem now, in the future present, I believe I easily may not be,
Looking back, I’ve noticed my consciousness progress, stay the same and regress continuously,
My ego always unexpectedly wants more and more and I’ve experienced this before and before,
But if my ego in this present conscious manifestation does not get all or anything it tells me I must achieve, At least I believe, That my consciousness will continue on, Forever after, These painful future ego expectations leave,
And I guess instead of painfully expecting less painful expectations, I guess I could say, even if I meet none of my expectations.. I wish the painful dissatisfaction.. will just leave,
I’m getting through it now and hoping to feel better, with far less or no painful expectation pressure, in a future “now”, Or present, I believe I reasonably explained it ?