All for “Nothing”

I try to be straight up,
Even with those,
Who I’m below,

I try to be straight up,
Even when I’m down,
And feeling like giving up,

Even if my head is not up,
I will still try to be..
As you can see,
As they say,
“Straight up”,

I know,
I can’t totally know,
If what I’m doing,
Is the right way to go,

I still feel I reasonably,
In this context,
“Know”,
What is all or mostly for “nothing”,
As opposed to,
What is a direction worth aspiring,
Such as,
Deepening understanding for clearer conscious experiencing,
So this physical experience I’m in,
Feels more fulfilling,
Feels more worth it,
When experiencing,

Based on my judgment,
Even those who seem so innocent,
Are still filled with immense judgment,

Regardless,
That I just wanted to use the same ending syllables,
of the words “innocent”,
and “judgment”..
Many in unconscious dismissive judgement,
Many who,
When it comes to juggling,
As it is true for me among many topics, activities, hobbies, sets of knowledge, specialties..
Seem,
Ignorant,

(I know that word is insensitive,
but as for this post’s flow..
Ya know..
I wanted to include it..)

So,
I may receive far more positive feedback,
On my juggling,
And as for my writing,
Many may just judge it as..
Wack..
?

Although I could be FAR better like others at juggling and writing,
Based on my understanding,
On the surface,
Judging my ability at numbers (or endurance) juggling,
May be far easier to judge by a non-juggling audience..

Of course,
(according to me (as for “ignorance”)),
The more involved we are,
in a world of whatever type of activity,
The more aware we may be,
Of how unaware,
Those who don’t similarly pursue it,
Barely know anything about it..

So yes,
As for low numbers technical juggling (I guess),
Or whatever high-skill manifestations,
That are far easier understood by those who practice those disciplines,

And even though I try to make my writing as clear as possible,
Many,
Especially those who don’t share similar experiences,
May much rather just,
“See me juggle”,

Now I won’t forget to mention,
That I APPRECIATE pretty much any type of complement,
Since my innate learning/emotional (autistic) challenges have given me a life of bullshit,
However,
As for feeling a need to live more in alignment,
Of what I most see fit,
Due to how others react to it,
Due to how different states of inner awareness makes me view myself,
I still,
Immensely struggle with deciding,
What I plan to continue doing,
To have my experience keep feeling,
Most,
Or at least sufficiently,
“worth it”,

Although I appreciate positive feedback,
Way,
way more than a toxic energy attack..
Still,
What society prefers of me,
Has an effect on me,

And due to the dominant energy,
And if there’s already a lot of inner intensity and insecurity,
I can easily become sucked into beliefs,
Or emphasized ways of living,
The dominant culture throws at me,

In this case,
As for me,
Although evidently juggling is NOT popular,
Nor seems to be extensively understood by most in mainstream culture,
Still..
My relationship to it,
As of now why I do it,
Has to do with ego validation,
Instead of any meaningful path towards continuously deeper,
Greater,
Inner realization,

Hence,
I easily get sucked into the temptation,
Of my environmental situation,
Which also may include,
Being in an environment with more shut down toxic insecure ego energy around me,
And due to all the low spirits,
I’ll be more tempted to conveniently lift or “boost” my spirit,
By harmfully self-medicating,
Such as buying too many energy drinks,

And aside from harmful physical long term effects,
Aside from energy drinks..
Since I fluctuated my emotions with the intention of experiencing a happier (less negative and/or obsessive) inner sensation,
Once I’m “sober”,
They’ll swing back in the other direction,

So what I took the substances to get away from,
Such as obsessive compulsive painful thinking,
Such as insecurity that has built up in me,
Due to bad history,
Due to my culture not teaching or emphasizing to me,
How to cleanse or heal inner pain (or difficulty) properly,
What I took the substances for,
Once sober,
Will resurface in me,
To a degree,
Even greater,

If I let whatever form of medication,
Without any inner awareness,
Swing my emotions in one direction,
Then once I’m off that medication,
And if I still,
don’t have adequate or any awareness of how to helpfully respond to emotion,
They’ll swing back even harder in the other direction,
Hence,
Giving me greater emotional fluctuation,
Putting me in greater danger of destructively handling a bad social altercation,
Whether at work,
Or in whatever situation..

So in that case,
Running away from what is hard for me,
Will eventually make it even harder for me,
But since my environment creates high levels of temptation for me,
Since my environment’s unconscious energy makes me less conscious of considering the extent I’m jeopardizing my future of continuing better experiencing,

Even though I’m aware of the choices and/or decisions I happen to be making,
Well,
The forces are still potent (or powerful (?)) and blinding,

Although I don’t always choose,
How I internally choose to make choices (and/or decisions)..
Well,
Environmental toxic forces,
In this case,
Inner unawareness forces immersed in immense painful negative energy (I guess?),
Make it harder,

Therefore,
The less I check in internally,
The more likely dominant cultural energy,
Will take over me,
Which in this case,
I’ll become more entrenched,
more ensnared (or trapped (?)),
In what I guess I could regard as,
Unconscious ego,
insatiable insecurity..?

Although as I emphasized,
I appreciate positive feedback,
Still,
I may get pressure unintentionally put on me,
Which in me may easily manifest as,
Trying to meet all my juggling goals “obsessively”,
Such as spending months refilming videos wearing different clothes,
To impulsively block out irrational “body figure insecurity”..

And well..
Regardless of what others think of the path I choose,
As of now,
Developing my writing,
Has far,
Far more importance to me,

Maybe my perfectionist,
Surfacely aware,
And/or,
Shallow,
Ego,
Might not feel as proud about my writing,
Which,
I try to express understanding of deeper,
Clearer,
Experiencing,
Whether it’s responding to,
My past,
Implementing present healing,
Or future predicting..

Whatever it is,
I try to consider,
What will give me the most meaning?
What feels most worth doing?

Even if others make me feel that what I do is “all for nothing”,
Or “less important” or “pointless”.. Or “weird”..
Or however,
they make me feel worse for doing it,
Instead of,
Better..

Well,
As far as my present capability of understanding understands,
Even though,
On the surface,
This may be less obvious,
And since,
Instead of succumbing to dominant cultural expectation(s),
I want to follow my present,
Dominant,
Peaceful and helpful intuition(s),
Or,
What I feel,
As more,
Of a “calling”(?),

Even if what I decide to mostly (if not totally) focus on,
Is truly “all for nothing”,
Still..
I’m still experiencing,
And/or trying my best,
At something,
(Whatever that may consist of..)

I’m still trying my best,
To continue at what I feel is most worth continuing,

So,
Although I’ll still do both,
However,
As for what to focus MORE on,
To choose between juggling,
And writing,

I choose,

Writing,

I won’t let fears such as being “bad at it”..
And/or it being “all for nothing”,
Inhibit me from doing,
What I feel my inner,
foundational truth,
Is suggesting