Even though I’m worrying about this coming across in a very UNhelpful wrong way,
Well,
I still feel I’d rather fail than give others egos power by conforming to expectations of theirs such as wanting me to keep my mouth shut,
Therefore,
I feel that:
For example:
My ego insatiably (and unconsciously) looks to make itself feel separate from all that inevitably surrounds itself,
For example:
Even if it fails miserably,
It’ll cling to a victim mentality,
It’ll seek to remain spiritually “separate” from those who “wronged” itself,
It’ll seek to have me appear “separate” and “superior” from those with viewpoints that it judges as “wrong” UNlike its own that it considers “right”,
It’ll arrogantly seek to separate itself from those who are “bad” while viewing itself as more morally “good”,
However.. even if my ego is “right” or has “valid” viewpoints.., well,
I feel it narrows my awareness by attempting to just focus on thoughts, judgments and/or whatever it identifies with as well as “distinguishes” itself from other “egos”,
And therefore (for example) gives it a sense of spiritual separation because it clings to its identity that focuses on thoughts it has in response to its “life history” and/or whatever thoughts it defines itself as,
In my belief:
My ego forces want this physical life form I’m in to feel “special” and exceptionally “separate” from the deeper life energy it manifests from and returns to,
Figuratively speaking,
My ego tries to have me feel separate,
UNlike a wave inseparable from the ocean of..
yes,
life energy,
And of course I’d say that:
How the ego may manifest individually,
It can also do that collectively,
Such as increasing chances of various horrors that tragically occurred throughout history,
With an “us” versus “them” mentality,
And of course,
I feel that:
Forces of ego,
May try to distinguish themselves as more “egoless”,
And/or:
Show off by displaying how much they “understand the ego”,
And well,
IF I’m trying to “impressively” write about the ego and get “likes” on this post by showing off my “awareness” of inner ego forces,
Then yes,
I feel that would ALSO be my ego,
Including “showing off” how my ego may have just arrogantly “spotted itself” there,
There,
And there,
Etc,
Etc,
So my ego might also try to show off how “self-aware” it is,
Yet I guess I can additionally say..(?),
For example,
That the more I work in the present moment,
For the benefit of myself and/or whoever with LESS unnecessary pressure to arrive anywhere just in order to add to some sense of egoic “achievement”,
The LESS forces of ego I just may be controlled by,
Because I’ll be “doing” or working more for the purpose of more gratifyingly experiencing the present moment as opposed to trying to egotistically “achieve” something NON-essential for my own and/or whoever’s continued survival,
And well I feel that,
The MORE I’m distracted by an end goal,
While working towards it,
The LESS I’ll remain focused on the work required to achieve it,
Therefore the LESS likely I’ll achieve it..,
So in this case,
(And speaking for myself),
The MORE my ego focuses on the end goal and wants it,
The MORE it’ll distract me from doing what I must to attain it,
So maybe the less (excessive) egoic pressure I put on myself to “achieve” it,
The MORE likely I’ll achieve it,
..(?),
So (for example) when a head school baseball coach says he “despises” losing,
Maybe that internal pressure to NOT lose may interfere with essential focus required to more likely win..?
And maybe me taking too seriously what people like him said,
Added to all this inner ego pressure to “make the team”,
To “achieve this”,
And all my inner ego fear of screwing up resulting in me and others viewing myself MORE negatively,
Additionally internally DISTRACTED me in the most important moments required to NOT screw up,
..,
So yeah.. Regardless of the head coach’s true intentions which I feel I can NOT speak for..,
That teaching which I interpreted as egoism,
For me, felt as toxic energy that made me feel additional inner pressure for the moment to NOT result in a certain NON-preferred way,
INSTEAD of helping me find and sustain more inner peace and LESS inner pressure (within the present) to increasingly develop and sustain MORE inner clear peace to feel more internally relaxed,
LESS internally distracted,
And therefore MORE able to MORE likely field ground balls and hit baseballs closer to my best when MOST required……,
And.. when socializing (as usual) didn’t work out,
And when baseball didn’t work,
My ego turned to filming juggling videos,
To display better eye-hand coordination,
Without pressure of others watching and judging, With several available hours of attempts to display something I was capable of doing,
So of course,
Once my ego failed at something,
It turned to make up for the perceived failure in some other way..,
Yet what practical essential skill sets were I truly developing..(?),
When life came once again to throw more shit at me my ego anxiety was NOT ready to handle..,
Then what..?
Huhhhh..,
Ahhhhh..,
Welp..(regardless of what others may claim have worked for them),
As for that among whichever other teachings/experiences that I felt just had an added harmful emotional/psychological effect on me,
I just feel I need to keep trying to let more of it go..,
And continue with inner peace development practices I trust as presently most compatible for myself,
To additionally help and equip myself for also helping others such as what I post here that I intend to be helpful,
For myself when reading in addition to anyone who may read these,
And as always thanks for reading.. And as always,
I hope it felt at least somewhat worthwhile,
Huhhh.. Ahhhhhhhhh
(Reference: Largely Inspired by Chapter 3 (pages 27-36) of “Stillness Speaks” by Eckhart Tolle, Year Published: 2003, Publisher: “YogiImpressions”)
Zach Dana Writing 