Meaningless Numbness

I want this meaningless numbness to pass, I want to regain and continue that spirit, My attention is too in my head in this present moment, It’s the same old shit as many may put it, OCD obviously, Due to insecurity, Due to how I been conditioned to view my individual physical conscious manifestation in combination with recurring bad experiences making it worse,

In other words, I started as more vulnerable, put all my attention on being better and always lost, Trying to compensate for feeling insecure was made worse by my environment, therefore making me excessively focus on myself to make up for losing and wanting to prove to myself I succeeded at something that I could cling to for myself.. Right now, the OCD is telling me to film another juggling video..

I know it could get better, But I don’t feel it, I believe it can, But also sometimes don’t,

The obsessive compulsive voice just thinks it’ll all be “perfect” once arriving at the next destination,

As for knowing how to help me, the obsessive forces are obviously wrong but feel too strong..

This is just another struggle,

As always, This is regression into numb indifferent confusion, And it’ll hopefully pass

The insecurity may always be with me, I can still focus on life, It’s possible for me to NOT let it stop me, It will just be in there, All I can do is keep going.. I must remember I can get through whatever feelings are coming and leaving, It just comes back to remembering,

AHHHH

I’m feeling too in my head, But I must move on in this moment, I just must remember that

Writing Freedom

If others who were mean to me, Recognized themselves in my future published stories, Is it fair if they were to sue me? Or just do whatever to try to harm me..? Yes that question was rhetorical obviously..

I think, By not harming me for expressing how I felt due to how they treated me, Or by allowing me to share what I learned or depict my experience free without harming me, Is one way they peacefully can repay or give back what they owe me, or “pay it forward” for me and others since the intent of my writing is intended to help sentient beings go not “backward” but “forward”.. But especially since have the right, To write, About anything that happened to me, And therefore.. Anyone can write anything about me in a story, It’s their right,

I believe in NO secrets, Since we work together, We should not alienate ourselves by keeping secrets from each other.. Especially secrets that are about how we affect one another, Like those who decide the conditions we live and work under,

I’m not looking to harm anyone, I’m looking to not be harmed for what I express publicly,

Although some may threaten to “come after” me and do whatever to me.. We all have the right to live free, As presently, As fulfillingly, As our capability allows us to, presently,

If we promote harm such as violence, And if violence happens due to what we wrote or said, Yes, We must be held accountable,

But if I wanted to share a story, About what someone did to me, And if nothing bad happened to them as a result of what I wrote about them after changing their names.. In my opinion, It would be very wrong, If they, say.. were to sue to me, Since, I most probably would go broke, And since they would be afflicting a punishment on me, Due to me expressing and sharing the cruelty they did to me, So they would just add to cruelty.. With no awareness to offer me or society..

I do not believe in an “eye for an eye” since that doesn’t heal the causes, but as for sharing the bullying anyone has done to me, I’m sharing a story, Which can and may be a reminder, Of the need of more to discover better ways to live together and treat each other, Better,

And by sharing what anyone did to me, I’m exercising my writing freedom, By sharing whatever I want, I’m exercising my RIGHT, To write, Freely,

To whatever extent this is true or not as for what I write.. 

Free expression, For helping the world, Is important, To make the world a more morally functional place,

So, I can write whatever I want, I can do whatever I want, I can be as true to myself as I want, As long as, What I do, Does NOT cause harm or suffering to others,

We can say whatever we want, But if what we said caused harm, Such as physical harm due to advocating for physical harm, We must be questioned.. And I know this is obvious, But we must remember this, And of course I don’t intend to offend anyone, but if what I say offends anyone, I hope they properly heal their own inner reactions, since, as long as there’s no physical harm or violence directed at anyone, I have freedom of expression,

And like Chomsky said, “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all”, (Pinterest) You can express whatever you want about me and I can do the same about you evidently,

As for what I say, I trust my accuracy, Lots of memories vividly stick with me,

As for writing, We all have writing freedom, As for “live free or die”.. or in this case “write free or die”.. or “write or die” or “express or die”.. If you don’t write free, Don’t “die”, And hopefully no one “dies hard” as for “live free or die hard”..

OBVIOUSLY live free, and free from violence.. But essentially, these are just some of my opinions why, I believe having the right to write free, Is IMPORTANT..

Like I said before, I do not wish that my writing lead to anyone’s punishment, Especially myself, Since punishment does NOT help the individual heal and let go of unconscious evil behavior, since their behavior manifested in response to harsh or difficult life experience..

But I believe in sharing writing, To help anyone, Especially myself..

Yeah I still fear what those who I had a falling out with could do to me, If they have nothing to lose and became stuck in impulsive hateful irrationality, So.. I’m not ready to post certain material about particular people and many injuries they caused me, Emotionally..

Yes.. Living free is way “easier said than done” obviously.. I still greatly fear the infinite capability of ways people can torture or cause pain to me, I still need to let go, to be with internally, the most pain that may possibly happen to me when and IF it does.. That’s one reason to practice meditation.. Being with and cultivating less resistance for the worst we may experience,

Also, If we excessively rely on authority to “protect” us, Then we give excessive power to authority to physically harm us.. So practicing THAT inner awareness to accept and resist less of any level of pain that may afflict us, Will really help us.. So we can rely on OURSELVES internally, to SERIOUSLY improve our effect on interdependent society, Instead of just wanting to be saved, We may possibly be able to save ourselves with inner strength? Huhh.. yeah if I was desperate I’d want to be saved, But that’s only referring to my present lack of inner strength and courage, But, “Practice makes perfect” or at least better since progress is infinite..

Well, As of now, I want to live SAFE while writing free,

I may just write and make public,

And if any of those who I wrote about were to come after me then I’ll also likely have to deal with their friends and family, It would be a never ending cycle of toxic brutality.. To catastrophize, But in the future, Whatever,

WRITE FREE,

I believe in freedom of expression with moral consideration, And there’s clearly no way of precisely determining who writes “better”, Since expressive creation is all open to interpretation,

WRITE FREE,

I still don’t want any paranoia with me, Due to “bringing to light” what whoever did to me that really hurt me, But I’m trying to safely express more and more freely,

I don’t know how long the paranoia may stick with me, However, Publishing writing may therefore be courageous, And yes, We’re all morally accountable,

And knowing that we done good, May more likely help us feel good,

WRITE FREE!! 

But no matter the fear that is there, I will try, To cultivate the WARRIOR, Within,

Just saying.. 

I’ll always prepare myself, Always, For the worst possibility, Assuming what I write causes billions of people to hate me, Well, If I’m being true to my fearful conformist set and therefore, If I’m not living true to my TRUE self, But just trying to please everyone else, Then, I will not be living FREE,

It’s okay to have fear, But my belief is that we must take steps in the right direction, Such as inner strength cultivation, To BE TRUE TO OURSELVES,

Instead of fearfully please others, Due to fear of isolation, torture, or whatever, And since it’s “easier said than done”, Our practice always needs to continue on,

WRITE FREE

Is it just me?

If written creativity, That’s taken in by the majority, has good flow, style, but no INSIGHT, In my opinion, That’s far LESS than alright,

I try to give all creativity I don’t like the benefit of the doubt, And if I don’t like what I hear, Sometimes I just have to get it out, Even if that risks me getting another paranoia bout,

What we say has an effect, Yes.. Expression does not mean “reason”, Expression does not mean truth, It’s just feeling, no matter how irrational..

But please tell me how I’m misunderstanding, When I don’t like something I think “oh it’s just me”, but is it really?Seriously, What are the LONG TERM effects of culture?? On behavior, On advancement, On detaching from the ego, fear and insecurity, On being present??

Just expressing.. I’m no expert and what I preach, But creativity with no morality, for me, has nothing of value to clearly teach.. Just expressing..

I’m entitled to the same freedom, If I can’t express free, about anything including popular creativity, then am I living free? You can easily tell me

I think the logical is also important in addition to the emotional, Sure maybe I’m feeling confrontational? For anyone who causes evil who is caught and held accountable, may it be peaceful,

Yes I OBVIOUSLY believe in freedom of expression, I’m not for banning anything, I JUST hope the overall effects of the creativity I’m affected by, Helps me feel as well as can be,

SERIOUSLY

Now I know I didn’t mention any particular individuals due to my EXCESSIVE fear of them somehow afflicting torture on me, But as for what I pay attention to, It sometimes INFURIATES me, Speaking from at least some present part of me

Conspicuous Weakness

I was NOT saying you were saying anything, I was NOT accusing you of any wrong-doing, I was NOT trying to increase your inner suffering, Please stop assuming, It’s what I’m trying to stop too,

You can’t truly judge someone by their first impression, Impression and intimate connection are infinite, However, Since I have autism, I’m sure the new guys will become more liked than me,

Since I was labeled with paying attention struggles, That STILL makes paying attention an even bigger struggle, I wish I felt more socially capable but my label STILL makes confidence a daily struggle.. aside from the truth.. And as for learning services and student categorization and organization purposes, maybe this label didn’t need to be as emphasized to me.. It just feels like a stain that inwardly traps me permanently..

Unfortunately, As a result, Those who get to know me, Will see how easy of a target I can be if they want to take their anger out on me.. to feel more secure about themselves obviously, I keep talking about this since it keeps happening to me,

It’s the same struggles in the same and new forms, It’s the same struggles with the same and new places and people, Just because someone can think intelligently and understand profoundly does NOT guarantee they’ll always ACT rationally, They’ll find ways of using my struggles against me once they’re tempted with the opportunity,

I’ll try to hide, Although to them, My weaknesses will become conspicuous, Once they get sucked into impulsive energy, They’ll seize that opportunity to use their non-labeled awareness against me, Then hope that life “will get better” will once again comfort me, Even if positive experience is not likely for the life I’m in currently, I can grow inner strength by accepting an environment of bullies that I may become economically or legally or institutionally trapped in, It’s like I discussed in my last poem about finding peace within..

Yes.. I have lots of blessings, But that’s only part of my story, You can’t fully know me, No matter how much you learn about me, No matter how much time you spend around me,

Same with you, The extent I know you, Is never all of you.. And therefore we can learn infinitely more about our personal selves..

And.. We can’t fully judge anyone based on their label, Which is easier said than remembered..

I’m just observing inner and external feeling, What I discern as rational and irrational depends on my perceiving.. I just want more better vibes, But I have to start, Inside,

I can let my irrationality be, I can detach from my ego that’s always in seeking mode,

As my ego always looks and never settles, I can check in, detach from my ego, I can refrain from toxically giving in, while letting settle, Starting from a feeling within,

I also realized I ended my last poem with “within”, Thanks to a friend’s suggestion, But it just often seems to come down to what’s going on.. as we know.. As we untangle and discover.. Within

Whatever I’m in

My motivation for getting my shit together is to feel better, Although we may not be getting our shit together, Together, It’s still possible,

My ego wants me to be a winner, But it’s goals are NOT getting my shit together, I can’t spend my whole life filming juggling videos, Especially since I don’t want to,

That old hobby is gone, It’s time I move on, By getting my shit together, Such as posting to my blog, Aside from obtaining a long term job,

Even if I’m considered a “loser” for giving up my ego goals, It doesn’t matter, Since my goal is to enjoy the present moment in which life happens, Which is my truth,

If I’m not in alignment with my truth, My life will feel wasteful,

If I have a goal, On the path, I must stay present, If not, with my truth I’ll be out of alignment, And my life won’t feel nearly as worth it,

It’s okay if our life doesn’t feel worth it, We can always feel more present worth in the present moment, If we do it or not, Decisions are just occuring for whatever reasons, And.. There’s truthfully no judgment, And in my opinion, Infinite truth just is, And does not judge, There’s always infinitely more beyond any wall of judgment.. Based on my present discernment,

However, the courage I need, Is to, Reduce my ego, Since I know, Being present without ego distracting pressure is the way to be in any direction or aspiration I choose to continually follow,

And the “ego” hasn’t been in my best self-interests regardless, I try and my ability remains far less, Regardless, The moment is what I feel I must focus on.. To clear my insecure egoic inner distraction, To make way for my best present capability in any direction, To experience the most fulfillment out of life that I can,

The less expectation, The more my ego expectation can expect, Since inner expectation pressure, Will not be there to inhibit my ability from becoming better,

But my ego won’t know this since it won’t be there in that moment,

The more I keep my ego, The more I limit myself, The more I let go of my ego, The more I free myself,

And if we get our shit together, Together, We’ll more likely feel better, Since in the effort, We’ll be supporting each other..

If we let go of the ego, The individual and collective exclusive ego, We’ll connect more,

And yes, Many don’t seem to be doing this.. But no matter who is, whose not, And even if we practice alone, Well, We can do this, We can open ourselves to any possibility of a better experience,

I really need to keep telling myself this, To get through whatever I’m in, And I must remember that.. Wherever I’m at, No matter how horrific or brutal or painful the location is that I’m in, I can protect myself the best I presently can, by “checking in” to how I’m experiencing within

My Turn

IT’S MY TURN

I want to take less orders, I want to give more orders, Speaking egotistically with my “victim” mentality..

I wish that I believed most who call themselves Christians did the good that Jesus allegedly said, I wish I didn’t feel so painfully alone in my head, I’ll get detached, act then regret, Socializing I barely get, Pun intended..

Not to “throw anyone under the bus”, But sometimes, My negativity makes me believe that, even who I consider the like-minded people, “don’t like” that much of my company.. When I assume this, I also assume it’s often for the “best”, Even though for me, exclusion, resulting in isolation, has been among the worst..

I tried to do right, But almost always feeling alone in my practice, Makes goodness harder to cultivate and experience..

Now I know what is rational and right and no matter what my situation, I’m equally accountable, No matter how bad my life was, bad behavior is never excusable.. But please, Please don’t make it too hard for me, Please,

We don’t want another tragedy, And I don’t want to suffer evidently,

A way I believe in God is as a life energy.. And I say that because just say if out of this energy is a deity who created Earth’s sentient beings.. And although I didn’t attend church, As for me getting bullied, If there is a judgmental deity, What I have to say to anyone who bullied me whose a “Christian”, Is that this “supreme being” saw the whole thing, It saw everything you were doing to me.. And I doubt I’d get in trouble for not attending church, If anything, It would depend on moral doing..

As for bullying, How you took out your understandable pain on me which I did not cause .. Was because I was an easy target to make you feel more “secure” about yourself by feeling above me.. since your bad experiences made you unconsciously do that to me..

As for your beliefs, Even though I’m not a practicing Christian, The deity will know who was the oppressor and who was the victim,

Well, regardless of Christianity or any organized (sometimes corporate) with a punishment aspect of spirituality.. Since this deity is “all knowing”, It’ll know, Regardless of what anyone claims in their “holy book” writing.. We all have our own experiences, opinions and understandings, We have freedom of thought, belief and experience which can never permanently be taken away from us,

Yeah.. having compassion is way, way easier said than done.. Yes, I know brutal behavior comes out of brutal feelings.. So I don’t wish hell on any being, But as for right and wrong, Even if the right never gets sufficiently discovered in a world that is wrong, I think I can reasonably know which side I was probably on.. If and only if there’s that kind of judgment and punishment.. But I don’t believe in punishment.. It doesn’t help with enlightenment since it shuts people down in torment..

I believe in empathy, And truthfully, When we’re in touch with goodness, We don’t need to have fear of punishment be our only incentive for good behavior, Although we may not have learned how to always be in touch with it, Doing good, I believe, Is true nature,

I think.. We can just open to a good way, And let all the painful past go away, That’s one belief anyway..

Also, Since, Underneath all beliefs is a sentient being, If I hate someone’s beliefs, I’ll try not to hate them as a person..

I believe the belief.. that I’ve heard before.. “We are not our beliefs”,

If what I believe as true is different than yours, I’ll still try to just be present and let go of trying to “convince” you.. As long as my world views aren’t harming myself and anyone else, We’ll both have our personal preference..

But I’m glad I started writing, IT’S MY TURN TO SPEAK UP, To share my understanding of experiencing.. Based on my perceiving, Although I have autism, I’m also a feeling being,

I didn’t mean to offend anyone about expressing my beliefs, But if I just look to please others, I then wouldn’t be making being true to myself a first priority,

It’s my turn, It’s my turn,

Since I was vulnerable to anxiety, Since bullies who had it easier socially made it challenging for me, That just ramped up my insecurity, To a much greater degree, Making me more vulnerable and less likely to survive, And the lack of emotional inner healing awareness due to mistreatment contributed to bad impulse control that added to physical destruction in addition to stress.. And as for struggling with paying attention, when others got angry with me, that just gave me fear, which made paying attention even harder, And of course, more obsessive compulsive insecurity interfered with my awareness capability, social and learning ability, making it less likely for my needs to be there for me and putting my well-being more in jeopardy, Although now, I’m more in touch with my history, and it’s my turn to tell my story, one of a person with a learning and socializing “abnormality”..

And if I die homeless due to too many non-learning and non-socially challenged judgmental employees not wanting to hire me due to a short impression of me.. Or those who were learning and socially challenged and overcame it and don’t want any of their employees to remind them of their old self.. Well.. I said a lot on this blog already,

If I don’t get to share more of my story, may you at least remember this.. as long as it’s helpful

Transitioning

I’m ready to let go of my old struggles for new unpredictable struggles,

I’m ready for more cruelness to want to write about, Which I most likely will NOT have time to write most about, And “the tip”, of the tip, “of the iceberg” is all I wrote about..

“The world keeps turning”, Bullshit keeps forming, We keep hoping for less struggling

Realizing and Remembering

I’ll know they’re not “joking” when they seem pissed off,

Sometimes it’s best for both individuals if they both fuck off, If I’m called “weird” in a voice that’s angry and tired, then that person can fuck off and I’ll more likely cut them off.. I’m just saying.. it’s been a struggle socializing, and for me it’s very challenging, I’m continually realizing.. and unfortunately.. remembering,

Sorry for cursing, These are just ways of socializing I’ve been witnessing

4/20

(First draft was written on 4/20/21)

I can and may take care of myself by advocating for my rights, I’m not looking to harm those who harmfully control me, I just want disfunction to keep reducing for more to start functioning ethically,

Those at the bottom are staying mad at each other while working together, Same with the middle.. While those at the top just want more and more, While many at the bottom and the diminishing middle class get sucked into the culture.. as they continue fighting with each other.. I wish we made it easier to lower the extent we all suffer, If not all, I think many know this, But I wish for more support practicing suffering less,

As for any who oppress, bully, abuse.. As for any who make me suffer, I’m NOT looking to punish or afflict any torture, I just want it to get better, We can do better,

We can advocate without hate, We can hold accountable in ways that are compassionate and peaceful, We can, in all ways, become more capable, Society and the world can become way, way more functional,

My OCD doesn’t want me to post this since 4/20 is Hitler’s birthday, and the Columbine shooting date.. However, If we suppress hate.. If we disregard others emotional needs, Monsters is what we’ll create,

Aside from a few rare generous offers, maybe sometimes peer pressure.. No.. I don’t smoke weed.. Killing brain cells is the last we need.. Well.. May we consciously heed..

May we consciously cultivate without physically mentally harming ourselves.. Just saying.. 

Just because I believe all drugs must be legal doesn’t mean I do them, And if they are all legal, Would more do them, Well..

If they don’t know any other ways to heal inner pain, But.. If more of us practice cultivating inner healing, clearing and strength, Our natural clarity won’t make us seek drugs.. May the world help rehabilitate and not punish the “thugs”,

External painful punishment is not inner healing, We can’t become enlightened through scolding, beating.. however the hateful energy is punishing.. Just saying..

Since it’s “4/20”.. Since I had another day out in society’s judgmental energy.. Since I hope people get on and stay track continuously