Even if I can’t sufficiently align with ideas/thoughts,
I still like talking about them,

It gives me something important to focus on,
And although I feel the reasons are obvious I’ll still say that,
It’s largely because I feel it’s more meaningful and deep,
To understand deeper,
Beneath the surface in which we daily go through “the motions” in our own way(s),

So yes,
Even if my posts aren’t that figurative,
Or aren’t that present and/or relaxed,
Or even if they unintentionally,
uncontrollably obsessively over-explain,
In vain,
for my ego to try to compensate to a degree it sees fit and/or possible,
Such as sharing what I view as helpful for myself and/or others to remember from what I feel I learned from,
My personal atypical struggle,

I’ll keep trying to share when it’s reasonably appropriate,
My explainings of ideas/thoughts and/or feelings,
In those moments of writing,
“See fit”

Less Personal

I wish it was that easy,
To not take social interaction reactions seriously personally,
And just witness the reactions react without becoming emotionally destroyed by the reactions,

People will always judge and talk shit,
And there ain’t shit I can do about it,
And if I blow their heads off they won’t understand it,
And as a disclaimer I’ll add I don’t believe in that..,

It’s just reactions,
And if I keep accepting them as just reactions,
Regardless of how much they harmfully intend,

Just maybe..

Over time I’ll get less offended,

I wish,
Just detaching,
And/or just..,
Entailed less struggling,

As I have been,
I plan to,
Keep going

Traumatized Hierarchy

Could common traumatic experiences,
Whether it’s from similar harsh geographical/external natural environment conditions,
Or from whatever type of similar struggle for survival,
Create a type of dominant trauma,
Which exists underneath, shapes and perpetuates a dominant culture? (If not many cultures..?),
And could that trauma create and perpetuate trauma if people don’t know how to process and heal it?
Could it be passed down from generation to generation?
Through person to person,
Or group to group,
Such as,
as various forms and extents of oppression?
Such as,
Violence escalation,
Tragic destructive (traumatized and unconscious) chain reaction(s),

Yes maybe many might regard those as “rhetorical questions”,
Yet I feel it’s crucial for consideration,
That processing and healing trauma,
To clear and live stronger with more capability,
Is what we need to REMEMBER,
Make this conscious passing form we’re in,
Feel more and more,
However worthwhile,
Whatever is a clearer way of describing..


Could examples of what underlies traumatic culture, and/or traumatic culture in general be,
Post traumatic fear?
And post traumatic insecurity?
Or whatever post traumatic emotional extreme effects,
That externally manifests as a culture of people reacting aggressively or overly-emotionally if not violently out of control towards each other..?
Because their past pain (such as trauma),
Has given them excessive insecurity,
Which manifests in emotional irregularity such as extreme fear and anger,
As unconscious behavior that is merely reactionary,
And therefore is in unconscious need of control and security,
Since the individuals have been severely traumatically deprived of needed feelings of safety and reasonable certainty perpetually..?
With zero or inadequate inner healing support,
Zero to insufficient inner healing development,
And as a result,
They unconsciously seek what appears to be a destination of “certainty” or “security” perpetually,
Yet in reality it makes them temporarily happy,
Yet the unhealed inner pain takes over again inevitably and invariably..,
And they may react to any assumed threat excessively fearfully and/or aggressively due to unconscious built up fear that initiated and kept exacerbating from continual traumatic events in their life,
And their traumatized damaged awareness (or unawareness),
Kept them unaware of other traumatizing or toxic energy forces,
That kept them the same if not made them worse..,
And they always excessively fear reliving anything worse or similar,
So they’re trauma makes them unclear due to too much unnecessary unconsciously built up fear that they never sufficiently learned how to adequately clear..,
That they never had the support and/or experiences to motivate them to clear their traumatic inner inhibitions to clearly awaken to the capabilities in them,

And of course,
As for certain unique/individual results of being traumatized,
For whatever reasons,
Whether it’s because of hypersensitivity/emotional irregularity,
Further exacerbated by sleep deprivation,
Etc, etc..,
Some may break into delusion,
Then become labeled and forced on excessive medication,
By other traumatized unconscious individuals running the institution(s),
Who seek to make money insatiably,
Who seek control and stability,
Largely as a desperate attempt to block out their unconscious built up insecurity,
Largely as a result of their traumatic history,
Similar to those beneath and/or controlled/inflicted by their authority,

Whether on top,
The bottom,
Or wherever,
There seems to be,
A traumatized hierarchy,

They seem to be interconnected,
And there seems to be many,
Even if you don’t research it on Google, in books or on Safari..,

And in addition to innate advantages and disadvantages,
How people tend to react to trauma,
Seems to depend largely,
On where they wind up,
In the traumatized culture hierarchy,

So they suffer and limit themselves without any awareness of the causes,
Or without awareness that they could heal themselves and experience a better,
Conscious experience,

Because they been traumatized before they knew how to consciously respond to the trauma,
In order for the trauma to not excessively harm and limit them,
And as a result,
Grew an unconscious system,
With inadequate cleansing awareness,
With many traumatized individuals running away and succeeding,
While other traumatized individuals feeling uncontrollably stuck as overly-entitled victim,
Or so damaged and unaware,
On their own,
(Internally and/or externally),
With inadequate care,
(For example),

With many asking,
Will enough find a way,
Wake up?

Post Processing

Just because I introspectively processed it,
Does not mean,
I’m safe from it,

Just because I understand it,
Does not mean,
I’ll “always” remember it,

Just because I progress, Does not mean I won’t regress if I loose focus, Whether it’s practicing “mindfulness”, Or whatever type of needed awareness,

And I guess the more I lose focus the more likely I regress.. so after processing, do I still need to continue processing..? Yes, and of course it’s like I said in my last post since I’m “always processing”,

I feel I must,
Also sustain paying attention,
To what’ll keep me the safest,
Among wherever else I’m paying attention,

Whether it’s being torn apart,
In a social interaction,
Whether it’s pain above my tolerance level,

I just,
Practice remembering,
To NOT escalate suffering,
To not limit myself,
Experience as much appreciation as I can,
Infinite new ways,
That infinitely expand,
deeper and deeper,
clearer and clearer,

Without inhibiting pressure (of course),
I can,

More and more,

While I’m still,


Always Processing

Am I working?
Where am I inwardly, externally.. Stationed.. ?
Closer to the top?
Down below the surface?
In the dark trenches?
Both literally and figuratively at once..

I do believe,
That processing,
Since I’m practicing paying attention,
Noticing and making connections,
Such as untangling inner inhibitions such as insecure tension,
Wherever I physically feel the emotion,
I HOPE to sufficiently clear,
More room,
To elaborately connect in more and more detailed ways,
To put into words,
From on the surface of how I perceive,
Or (put into words the best I can) what I realize I have been perceiving,
(initially without noticing..),
Below the surface..

I can ask,
How am I developing myself?
My “career”?
Being in the..

“Here” and “Now”?

But where?
Where am I here?

What is happening,
Inwardly below,
Any path I am following..?

Even though I’m “here”,
And working towards arriving wherever,
Where am I here??
Right NOW??

As for what I’m working on,
What could I ALSO work on..?
To help me MORE truthfully,
Move along?

Where do my decisions come from..?
Like I said in my post “not controlling control”,
I can’t control,
Underneath the deepest levels of controlling control,
Seems to be some point of control (choices and decisions),
That is just happening as whatever else is that is,
What we cannot totally control..?

What are the present states of my inner behavior navigating roots?
That I guess..
May have been differently grown..?
And/or are now..


Just considering,

How am I really..


I believe I can always obtain clearer and clearer words for describing..

To me,
There’s always processing,
Such as the continual cleansing of the process,
Of clearer and clearer conscious experiencing,

Recently I been locked in severe OCD,
resulting from insecurity,
resulting from bullying,
resulting from autism,
resulting from the medication the insurance companies gave my mom instead of an IV..
because their insatiable egos wanted to save money..,
And yes I know what I write and process so often leads back to that same story,
Because it largely sums up causes of my atypical adversity..,

And as I believe and what can be researched on Google/safari if real journalism still sufficiently exists (if it EVER SUFFICIENTLY existed)..
medication doesn’t get to the source of it,
It may TEMPORARILY give me a HIGH and/or cloud it BUT THEN give me side-effects,
However SHORT or LONG term..,
And I haven’t had the confidence,
Nor ADEQUATE support for consistent proper meditation practice..
And if I did,
If something worked,
I wouldn’t be dominated by these obsessive compulsive irrational dark forces..,

I feel a NEED to FURTHER clear the energy,
So it doesn’t destroy,
Or overly cloud my awareness,
That is crucially needed for decisions that are most beneficial,
On whatever internal,
physical and/or emotional level..
Or whichever way I may describe this clearer and clearer..

I’m always processing,
With awareness or non awareness,

And if I forget what I processed,
(Assuming I don’t develop a terminal neurological or terminal/inevitable degenerative awareness condition),
I’ll more likely regress,
Into those previous states of unprocessed unconsciousness,
So I must,
To remind myself of what I learned from processing that I need to remember,
To keep learning and discovering more advanced and fulfilling ways of doing whatever I’m doing..,

And obviously I must sufficiently consistently remember,
Internal processing,
For understanding and continual practicing of..
toxic energy cleansing,
For more clearness and less distractions,
For processing anything,
Such as work-related procedures,
To do my part,
The best I can for myself and whoever..,

To me,
The processing,
just goes on and on,
As long as our consciousness,
in whatever changing forms,

Continues on

Reasonably Less Painful

I appreciate it,
When people compliment me,
By telling me that they,
Think I’m,

as a result,
I may put pressure on myself,
Worry and become insecure,
Which just makes me,
Less clear,

And in addition,
To all my atypical learning adversity,
My higher than usual,
Emotional hypersensitivity,
Which got exacerbated by others being mean to me,
As a failed attempt to feel more secure about themselves by having “power” over me evidently..

So with my,
“unusually gifted memory”,
Is a lot of painful memories,
And resulting,
Among whatever form(s) of suffering,
Which I’m tempted to block out,
Instead of making the most out of,
As blessings..

Although I don’t agree that I could ever be defined by a “test”,
The tests did say essentially,
As I agree,
That I have a “very good”,

But there’s so,
So much pain in me,
That I’m tempted to quickly block out,
Even if the easy way to do it,
Also blocking out the “gifts given to me”,
Such as my “gifted”,

It is a tragedy, (to me),
Feeling that I have to,
Give up,
What I could have experienced,
What I could have done,
For myself,
And others..

But I still,
Want to be happy,
Want to have a good time,
And I often have a hard time,
Doing that,
In a way that’s,
(For however long of a future term),
NOT harmful,
Most beneficial,

Of course,
I want to experience more and discover more of,
How I am capable,

Regardless of how truly “successful”,
I am or become,

It’s just a struggle,


Sometimes (if not often),
I’d want to have more than I “should” drink,
I often have so much pain,
Due to the way I think..

I want to think when it’s most needed,
I don’t want to think too little,
I want to utilize at least some ways in which I am capable,


It’s a struggle,
And.. hopefully,
Becomes reasonably,


It’s crazy how much I analyze,
While I also realize,
I just need to live it,
And NOT excessively analyze it,
Yet my ego just wants it,

It wants to validate to itself that I’m “intelligent”,
To disprove other egos that didn’t believe that,
Even though I CLEARLY know that it’s more important to care less what others think,


Enjoy more of the present moment(s)


To me it just often seems that,
The more successful,
The more of a dickhead people become,
If you define success as becoming selfishly locked-in more and more to your own world,
Such as your beliefs,
Ego achievements,
And if you callously disregard anyone who sees different or who you view as “incompetent” or made “worse choices” with ZERO regard to different individual characteristic effects resulting from the same and different life experiences,
(For example..),

To me it just seems that,
Many who become successful,
As for my first stanza’s definition of it,
Are just so closed-off,
Full of judgment,
And don’t emotionally process,
Or choose paths of awareness expansion,
Those who became “successful”,
haven’t felt a need to,
Since they had an easier time fitting into the same unconscious,
inadequately introspective,
inadequately aware society,
So they weren’t weighed down,
By inner painful frustration,
Resulting from not feeling they fit in to the uncontrolled nihilistic energy,
Insensitive and judgmental fixed mentality,
(For example..),

In my belief,
There’s always new internal foundational discovery,
That may benefit any definitions of success there may be,
And hopefully,
We can view success,
And in ways that reduce suffering that is immensely unnecessary,


Reasonable or Not

No matter how reasonable or not,
If I’m having feelings that are difficult,
I must NOT suppress,
But instead take a look at them,
In order to clear them,

As I definitely made clear before,
The more I suppress,
The more likely they’ll explode,
The more likely the toxins will,
Destroy me,

Even though I wish I didn’t struggle with hypersensitivity,
I still must cleanse and know how to prevent inevitable meanness from others destroying me,

Since it may come from just about anybody,
Even sometimes from those who I admire who sometimes also may often empathetically support me greatly,

Practically all of us have darkness that fills and comes out of us onto others in unique and varying extents,

So in my belief,
cleansing and strengthening ourselves,
Needs to be remembered,
According to me,

In my belief,
Although we know this,
We need to remember this,
To refrain from toxic forces of unawareness grabbing a hold of us,
And to,
Sustain and increase cleansing and empowering consciousness

It Can

Fear seems to manifest in many ways,
Some that come to my mind..
Which like anything,
Can be explained clearer and clearer,
To me..,
Seems to be..

The majority of a population turning to a hierarchy, to protect them from an imaginary enemy,
Or one that does exist,
Yet is NOT nearly as big of a threat as they think,
And the leaders of the hierarchy,
And those on lower levels,
Seem to all want to live in a way that’s precautionary,
Regardless of how rationally necessary,

And of course,
We may fearfully obey the powerful hierarchy(s) we rely on to keep us “safe”,
We’ll obey and please them,
To ALSO ensure as much as we can that the hierarchy doesn’t oppress us,
And we’ll perpetually do this,
Out of unconscious disproportionate fear,
Unconsciously developed in us,
And of course was previously unconsciously developed and passed down to us,

And due to fear,
We may be willing to give up freedom(s),
Such as our fear telling us to “arrest anyone who might be a threat”,
Regardless of giving them a fair trial to prove it,

So because we’ll let our fear navigate us,
We’ll look to the external,
Such as building up weapons,
And contributing to the weapons budget,
Instead of turning to the internal,
To clear and prepare for anything we may experience,

Instead of collectively,
compassionately turning inwardly,
As a culture,
We seem to take precaution irrationally,
Understandably due to history..,
Since we also may HATE what we FEAR,
I guess a rational fear,
Would be FEAR itself causing,
As they say,
“History to repeat itself”,
Such as hating what we disproportionately fear,
Leading to irrationally fearing an entire group,
Therefore hating the group we fear,
Causing us to unconsciously distance and form instant irrational reactionary judgments,
Of the other group(s),
Increasing chances of..,
More war(s),
Causing the same suffering to occur,
As it did before,
And before,
If not worse and worse..,

We make it a value,
To work on ourselves,
To consistently cultivate rational thinking and awareness,
To consistently prepare ourselves for whatever we may internally and externally experience,

So we’ll have rational awareness,
Clear preparedness,
For a better experience,
Instead of FEAR,
Making us more unaware and less clear,
Instead of Fear,
Inhibiting our ability to access more and more,
inner strength,
We can collectively join on whatever path we choose,
To help us,
(Regardless of however presently capable we are),
More capable,

I guess during covid,
Many either became more awake,
remained the same,
or got even crazier..?
(for example),
If we conveniently NOT work on reducing and preventing irrationality such as fear and hate,
Yet if we instead find enough support,
Inspiring inner experience(s),
(For example),
If we decide to WORK on finding the inner contaminated sources to CLEAR and/or CLEANSE the irrational forces,
Just maybe..
There will be a stronger,
Less fearful,
More emotionally clear and centered dominant world force,

Of course this,
Or a needed amount of this..,
May never happen,
What I’m especially trying to emphasize,
Is that,



As for the driving moral force being,
NOT materialistic nihilism,
Neither irrational precaution,
Neither extremist ideology..,
Neither any form(s) of emotional out-of-balance irrationality,
According to me,
A dominant force CAN be,
RATIONAL clear inner awareness development,
On any spiritual path,
That’s most individually presently suitable,

If I’m still as many may say,
“hopelessly dreaming”,
overthinking and analyzing,
I still believe it’s needed to remember,
That ourselves (among more and more others),
Are capable,
Of more and more truly,
Inwardly clearly,
Ongoingly bettering ourselves,


To me,
Regardless of the extents of which it does or doesn’t happen,
Regardless of the extents we do whatever we need to or not,
I believe,
It can,
That being..
We can collectively ongoingly cleanse unconscious inner toxins and/or inhibitions,
To have more clearness,
More freedom from toxic energy,
For the way we function,
As part of all society,


To avoid nihilism,
To have a moral purpose,
We can accept our differences,
In productive RATIONAL,
peaceful moral development practices,

Purposeful practices,
causes and/or ways of life,
that INSTEAD of,
As they say,
“Having to die for”,
We can,
Not only rationally “live for”,
But continue to explore and explore,
Meaningfully access and discover,
As we become ongoingly,
Rationally aware,


As long as our varying states of consciousness continues in our changing physical forms,
Which I believe it still always will,
And I believe,

It can,

In any ways,
Become better and better,

Clearer and clearer,

Deeper and deeper,

In ways that are needed and more and more preferred,
To make life,
Better and better,

Regardless of whatever happens,
I believe,

It can,

Continually and more expansively,


Whatever does or doesn’t happen,
I continue to wish,
As I have often,
For less and less pain,
Less insecurity,
Less suffering in any form(s),

(Partly inspired by “The Power of Nightmares” Part 1, 2 and 3..
Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3: