Thought they’d be There

They yelled at me,
Used their non-autistic spirit against me,
Made me drink my ass off,
Take an ice bath,
Got action virtually in front of me,
And the women definitely didn’t prefer me,

They told me,
To keep it all a secret,
As if I could let it go,
Instantly,

When I seek empathy,
Many give me advice,
This, that and the other,
Then when I stand up for myself,
They make an excuse,
To avoid me,

They’ll gaslight,
And make me believe it’s mostly me whose not right,

They now got positions of authority,
They’re now off with their careers,
And just left me,

Yeah,
They’ve somewhat been there for me,
But now I kinda feel,
This “brotherhood”,
Just wasn’t real,

..,

I’ll try to reconnect,
And they’ll order and lecture me,
..,
And I thought they would be there for me,
After all that isolation,
After all that rejection,
I thought they would be there for me,

They told me I’m a “brother for life”,
And now,
Many (if not all) practically cut me out of their life,

I tried so hard,
To follow their world views,
To go with the flow,
To chill and let go,

And now I know,
I just,
May never know who to trust

End Note

How can I focus on what I’m doing,
If I’m distracted by,
Obsessively thinking,
About ending,
On a “good” note?
Or “good terms”?
Or..,
Whatever are the “best”,
“Clearest”,
Terms..,

???

How can I enjoy the moment,
If I’m focusing,
On what others will think of me,
Such as,
My “legacy”,
My story,
Or however they’ll view me,
When I’m gone..,
If I’m obsessively focusing,
On ending,
On a good note?

How can I chill out,
If I’m worried about,
How and what others will think of me?
What they’ll say about me,
If I’m obsessively,
Worried about ending on a bad note?

How can I,
Let go,
Let be,
Relax,
And just get in sync,
On the same page,
And NOT force the current,
If I’m excessively focused,
On how to end it..?

Screw that,

I just try to,
Witness the sensations,
While remembering,
And keeping,
A warrior spirit,

Even though I feel,
I’m pretty bad at being present,
Well,
I still try to remind myself,
To stick with it,

Instead of trying to unquestionably conform,
Excessively please,
Excessively suppressing it,
Then abruptly,
Explosively losing it,
..,
I just,
Feel I must,
Continue,
Trying to,
Witness the sensations,
Such as,
My natural inhale,
And exhale,
While,
Remaining in alignment,

With my,

Warrior spirit

Failed Inflections

I gotta work on my inflections,
Instead of being how I was labeled,
Instead of sounding autistic,
I gotta sound like a stereotypical confident prick,
I often fail at it,

I wasn’t pushed into theater,
Regardless,
I’d still be a failure,

At least I keep hanging in there,
Regardless if stuff gets better,

I give a lot of impressions,
And I project by assuming others’ projections,

I just,
Don’t have a natural ability,
For spot on,

INFLECTIONS

Although I can NOT speak for You

As for this post,
I use the capitals with good intention,
To attempt to catch attention,

Okay let’s begin:

Although (in this context) I can NOT speak for you,
NOR must anyone,
Except for you,

I wish you were here,
I wish there was more I got to know,
I wish your memory came back,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
I remember angst I felt we used to share,
However here and there,
I remember when I felt you were really there,
I remember your experiences,
You used to share,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
Although I haven’t been through what you been through,
Although you sometimes made me feel guilty,
I feel there’s that part of me,
That’s understands deeply,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
I wish more knew,
All you been,
And whatever you may be going through,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
I hope they are caring for you,
In your care home,
In your home country,
Which I visited in 2003,
Although those memories,
Seem to be leaving me,
Gradually,
It sometimes,
Deeply gets to me,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
I remember,
When teaching me how to drive,
After I had road rage,
You warned me,
That there would come a day,
When you wouldn’t be with me,

Oh if you could see,
How crazy they drive,
..,
Even if not in an emergency,
..,
Oh if that awareness,
Felt to be,
With me,
And although I struggle,
Thank you for not only suggesting,
Yet being an example,
Of deeply practical,
Defensive driving,
And,
Although I can NOT speak for others,
Although I can NOT (as I’ve heard said) “pave the world leather”,
I wish more,
Would learn from your example,
..,
And I wish,
There’s was greater appreciation,
Greater recognition,
For those who lack needed recognition,
For those in a however deep,
Dark,
Situation,
I appreciate,
Your appreciation,
I’d say,
It helped leave an important,
Impression,

Although I can’t speak for you,
Thank you,
Just,
Thank you,

Although I can’t speak for you,
I remember at the age of three,
First meeting you,
Even though you knocked over my block tower,
Unintentionally,
Yet,
I never expected,
The amazing step-father,
You’d be for me,
In addition,
To how all my parental figures,
Have prepared,
Worked and provided for me,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
Even when the dementia progressed,
Even when you were seemingly (to me) losing your ability to verbally communicate,
I still felt,
There were moments,
When you would,
Deeply,
Relate,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
Even though my learning disabilities,
My emotional sensory overload,
My obsessive compulsive behavior,
Seemed to (as I’d guess (?)),
Annoy you,
..,
I’m deeply grateful,
For you,
Making it through,
All you been through,
And what you went through,
To help me,
In addition to your special Ed students,
Prepare themselves,
To discover more capability,
For whatever they may have been facing,
Or may face,
In the “neurotypical” reality,

And thank you,
For helping me,
Make it though,
So much of the school work I was struggling with,
Thank you for your patience,
Which I did NOT feel to often see in others,
And,
Although I can’t speak for them,
I feel,
You were among the strongest,
Most patient,
Of them,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
Although there’s so much more I may have to say,
Although I wish I could express gratitude in a clearer and clearer way,
Although I wish more stories would come,
And be here to stay,

I’d say it’s appropriate for me to say,
You really have done,
So much,
And,
I wish we were able to remain more in touch,

Although I can NOT speak for you,
Although there are so much I may never know,

I hope,
To access,
To share,
And to continually,
Profoundly develop,
The strength,
The awareness,
The courage,

That I saw in you,
Regardless of how I may see,
And even though I can NOT speak for you,
Even though,
I never know when and where we’ll continue to go,

I hope,
To keep going,
To keep posting,
Or however sharing,
How I come to view and see,
Largely because of the awesome step-father,
You’ve been to me,

Blessings,

On your journey

Just Maybe

You get mad at me for getting offended,
Yet,
You got mad when I laughed at you,
When people call you “12 years old”,
To me,
You didn’t seem to like that,

I’m sure you’ll gaslight me,
By trying to intimidate or however,
Slander me,
By asking “how is that?”
Or,
“What are you talking about?”

Well..

When I made that post,
And all the feelings and examples I tried to communicate,
Instead of making me feel heard and validated,
You first acknowledged the effects it was having on me,
Yet then appeared to blame me for feeling offended,

And like you and many don’t know what side you’ll see of me,
I’d say I feel towards,
Quite similarly,

I know you shared a lot with me,
I understand even though I experienced and see the world quite differently,

Yet,
Even after all I shared with you,
On why the small things get to me,
You had to shame me,
By telling me,
“Everyone treats you fine”,
Yet,
The few times,
That I felt,
I treated you,
the way you treated me,
I felt you responded aggressively,

And I felt overpowered immensely,
You didn’t even let me post about how I felt..
And as for grievances and confidentiality,
So many who I sent my post about you to,
Told you,
WITHOUT telling me,

And I’m like..
As many of us are..,
What happened to our chapter in that fraternity!!?
I’m glad you among other included me,
Yet,
Maybe,
It just wasn’t meant for me??
Yet you guys were the only group who appeared to accept me..,
I felt it was the best option being offered to me..,

And I’m trying so hard,
To give you all the benefit of the doubt,
To not be “overly-sensitive”,
To keep stuff positive,
If tried so long,
And so hard,
And I know..,
It’s not only me faced with pain and adversity..,

I understand why I can be hard to stand,
Yet,
I try so hard to let go of what sticks with me,
I try so hard to not get offended,
Yet sometimes my feelings,
Just abruptly,
burst out of me,

So I understand,
why you want space from me,
But I also want you to remember,
how you were there and understood me,
And any positives you felt from me,

Please,
Please,
If you can just,
Try again,
To see deeply,
While using the awareness,
To once again,
Heal this,

Huhhh,

You know I was diagnosed with a “disability”,
You know I struggle with inner hyper-emotional reactivity,
You know I have a rough history,
Am I still not communicating clearly?
Do you still not understand me?

I know you’re awareness is in there,
Somewhere,

I know I make choices and decisions,
I know I’ve struggled at doing what’s best from me,
Yet you know how I struggle,
You know I have a good memory,
And that a lot of pain I still carry with me,

I’m sorry for not showing deeper appreciation,
Yet I want to be honest,
With a more honest understanding,
About how I feel,
I truly been feeling,

I just hope you remember,
When you were there for me,
And whatever you may have appreciated about me,
Regardless of all the dark negativity,
That you know has derailed me,

I just wish,
That both of us,
Could understand each other,
More consciously,
More frequently,

And maybe stuff could work again,
Similar,
If not even better,
Then how it used to be,

Because,
Well,
You were the only friend,
Who seemed to,
Want to, And/or was able to, Hang with me,

And I’m trying to chill,
Once again,
And accept,
What I struggle to accept,

So maybe,
Just maybe,

We’ll meet again,

??

I get It

I know others aren’t perfect,
Yet when I feel hurt,
By other’s imperfections,

Since I’m not also perfect,
I struggle,
To not be hard on them,
For being hard on me,
Which hurts,
Due to my struggles with my disability,
My history,
Build up insecurity,
That still immensely distracts me,

I wish I could see the big picture,
More quickly,
frequently and instantly,

So I get,
Why many others get,
Mad at me,

Yet I get mad at myself,
Especially

Same Old

I also tried,
So hard to make it work,

I guess once again,
It just,
Wasn’t meant to work,

??

With all the work,
To hear,
To communicate,
To connect,
To keep showing respect,

It just,
Wasn’t meant to be,

I’m gonna miss those times at the bars,
The beach,
The road trip,
Miami,
When I just got away,
..,
When I just,
In my own way,
got away,

And now I’m back,
Same old Zach,
Same old isolation,
Same old obsessive compulsive juggling video fixation,

Same old expectation,
Of feeling inevitable rejection,

Same old attempts to compensate,
For what I see in myself,
That I hate,

Same old dreams,
Of a day,
When others see,
Something good in me,
That’s more than just a person,
With a,

“Disability”

Hyper-Whatever

For whatever valid reasons,
As always expected,
Once again..,
I..,
Felt to be the target of what I felt to be,
Dark energy,

Such as,
One guy,
After I tried so hard,
to politely thank him for buzzing the door open..,
The he,
Aggressively tells me “you’re welcome”,
Cause a reaction in me,
To feel like an unwelcome,
As I have felt I felt,
usually,

I arrive home from my job,
Try to set up a drug test that someone forgot to plan for me,
(Said she wasn’t used to planning it.. I won’t get into it..),
Yet,
Instead of releasing anger,
When talking on the phone on speaker in the middle console cup holder,
I felt I compassionately,
made it clear,
That I understood completely..,
And this was right after,
Another,
Stared at me,
Menacingly,
After he tried J-walking right in front of me..,

Oh how the energy reacts in me,

After on the phone trying to set up a drug test,
While,
Talking to a woman,
Saying I called the number,
Clicked on the link,
This that and the other,
I felt she didn’t trust me,
Such as asking my mother to tell me my own GMAIL username..,
Yet I get it,
Better safe than sorry,
Yet that hyperawareness,
Really builds in me..,

Then,
(According to Apple Maps..),
After all QUEST diagnostic locations were closed,
While remembering the post I made about a guy at QUEST diagnostics who seemingly imitated my stereotypical autistic sounding voice after telling him my health insurance by saying “ARE YOU SURRRRE”,
Yelling at me for not following a direction precisely..,
I remember how I was like..,
“Are you kidding me!!?”
..,
And even that location was closed since it was late in the day,
Yet as for driving home..,
Since I wasn’t going fast enough,
Over the speed limit,
I moved over to a right lane,
To let,
As always,
Another tailgating driver pass,
Yet then,
As I moved over,
So did the driver,
..,
Then the driver moved back,
Then..,
As the woman who tailgated me,
Was passing me,
I looked at her,
As she glared at me,
for driving defensively,

And with all my history,
That I struggle to let go of repeatedly,
With other stuff that happened today,
With people,
Then I feel,
feel and direct it at me a certain way..,
..,
With all I’ve been dealing with,
(That I feel is too much to write about),
Recently,
..,
I felt closer to once again,
Becoming derailed,
And instead of keeping a new food production job, For places like the “Psychiatric Center”,
(Near that production center),
I may instead,
Wind up,
in there,
Or wherever..,

And I’ve been told to not put any of my information online..
I get it..
yet as for this post,
I just felt a need to hint it,
even if at some point I deeply regret it..
???
guess for me “time will” unravel it..
or maybe my level of worry will embarrass me..
???
yet don’t you see,

The reactions,
That react,
within me!!?

And of course,
since the production center,
Is right by the other “mental health” center,
I often fear,
..,
You know..,
Getting stuck in there..,

Not saying it’s the worst,
Yet,
Not saying it’s MY needed alternative,
Not saying it’s the only,
Preventative measure(s)..,
Yet I don’t mean to get sidetracked in world issues..,

As for my issues..,

Well,
I will say this,
Sometimes I feel,
There’s only so much others,
Including myself,
Can do,
To improve myself,

And I’ve tried so hard,
And felt to have gotten criticized and derailed so hard,
And that hyper-whatever,
That hyper-everything,
Those reactions in me reacting,
Makes me,
Sometimes fear deeply,
If I,
And others may feel..,
Welp..,
“Maybe he needs a lobotomy”..,
And yes I know I’m in a different time YET different location,
Yet as I’ve heard,
A lobotomy kit in this particular psychiatric center was discovered..,

Yet..,
Assuming lobotomy’s,
And/or anything as bad or worse,
are REALLY a thing of the past,
(Not saying this is the case),
Yet,
With my condition,
I really do NOT want to return to any,
Less developed,
Less empathetic,
Civilization,
Horrific occurrence,
Environment,
I know feel I’m over explaining it..,

Yet,
It’s just felt hard,
Being,
Hyper-whatever,
Hyper-this,
that,
and the other struggling,

As for those nasty remarks,
I wanted to tell the only friend,
Who I been seeing in person,
Yet I feel,
He would’ve,
criticized me again,
For feeling offended,
Once again..,

So even though his criticisms are valid,
I feel I’d just be feeling more bad,
About not doing what I know I need to do..,

And once again,
That one close friend I been seeing recently,
Wants distance from me,
For reasons such as,
My exacerbated hyper-sensitivity,
That sometimes derails me,
And makes others,
Have even less tolerance for me,

And he had more patience with it,
Yet as I expected,
Even though I feel a part of him gets it,
I also felt there would be a point when he could no longer stand ME losing control over it,

And even though he tried so hard,
SO HAVE IIIII,
Yet,
I’m just a bullied,
hyper-sensitive,
GUY..,

Man..
It’s like..,
Come on..,

Even those who know why,
I become how I am,
They ALSO,
Just..,
Feel a need,
To distance,
And I’m like..,

What next?
While this isolation,
Make me spiral into permanent delusion,
Due to a combination,
Such as me,
my culture,
and whatever institution,

I really don’t know,

I have so much to say,
I just can’t say it all,
Nor perfectly,

It’s just,
I feel it’s rough..,
With how reactions,
TEND,
To react in my,

In response to,
Mainstream energy

Aiiiiiiii

Okay so as for this next section I wasn’t sure about making it a separate post,
Yet,
I’ll just include that:

Although I struggle,
and feel I often fail to communicate,
how I feel preferably..,
I often feel that..,

Since,
My senses,
overload,
I can emotionally break easily,
Endangering myself or whoever,
As I definitely posted about previously..,

And it’s hard,
Feeling,
That other egos don’t understand,
Feel threatened,
And may want to destroy me,

Or criticize and shut me down to speak more realistically,
Yet I worry what the future may throw at me..,

???

Welp,

I have hypersensitivity,
hyper-alertness,
hyper-concerningness,
Hyper-infiniteness,
Hyper-any-of-this..,
Hyper-whatever,

As I understood from what another friend (who I haven’t seen in person in a long time) said,
who empathized with me,
Yes,
It is exhausting,
Yes,
It is tiring,

It’s a lot,
Trying to survive more,
By being more self-sustaining,
While,
Constantly,
Assuming,
That those I’m amongst,
Just don’t feel me,
And for their own valid reasons,
See it differently,

Regardless,
Of what the truth may be,
This hyperawareness,
Hyper-whatever,
Just,

Grows,
Weighs,
In me,

Yet,
I hope to keep remembering,
To witness my breathing,
And find that warrior spirit,

Building,

And I’m sure many still won’t understand what I’m saying,
I’m sure there will still be gaslighting,
Yet,
Whatever life and/or inner-hyper-whatever continues to throw at me,
I can still remember,
To utilize,
Any strength,
I discover,

Within me

Hyper-Aware

Being hyper-aware,
Has felt,
Too much to bare,

Thank you,
For being there,

Hyper-aware,
Is a term I learned,
From someone I know,
Who has been there,
For me,
When I needed care,
Immensely,

Thank you,
For feeling me,
..,
Thank you,
For finding,
And utilizing the strength,
To NOT use,
The struggles you see in me,
Against me,
Yet instead,
Understand,
And help me,
Deeply,

I know as you said,
I don’t need to thank you,
..,
Haha,
I know I may not be following suggestions precisely,

Yet,
Thank you man,
For understanding me deeply,

Instead of against me,
Thank you,
For using your awareness,

To be there for me,

I know your busy,
This, that and whatever it may be,

Yet,
Hearing your words,
Mean so much to me,

Thank you,
For being there for me