Infinite Ways to get Offended

I’m grateful I’m not yet accidentally on that show, which I think you know.. ? which is called “1,000 Ways to Die”..

Welp.. I guess.. There’s infinite ways to get offended..

Oh well.. Sometimes my feelings feel unreachable, and stuck in a well,

I can’t precisely, microscopically, tell..

Just thought I’d post again, after getting through another day..


Self-Idealistic Preaching

Even though life has not, “Thrown a lot”, At me yet, What I’m struggling with, Is still making me upset,

Will enough confidence, To sufficiently self-sustain myself, I ever sustain, If not get?

At my age, Sadly I still, Don’t feel close to ready yet,

Yet, I’m obligated, To play my part, To prevent advancing civilization, From structurally and morally, Falling apart,

Just because, Facing fears, May come easier to others, Does not mean they should, Guilt trip me, Since, I’ve had lots of pain already, And before doing anything, I must feel ready,



How is talking idealistically going to best help me do what I say? I just need to remain on my way, To one day have an easier time getting through what comes my way, Each present of each day,

I know you get the point,

I need to get back to my most practical way, I guess we all know, or sense, that action is more trustworthy than what we idealistically say?

I’m still having a bad day, I’m struggling to accept, I won’t perfectly get my way,

It’s still been a challenge, As you may have guessed.. 


If I hate what I fear my vision won’t be as clear, And my inner and external irrationality may blind me, Which may dangerously, hurt my community, So I need to properly commit myself to self-improvement, Not just for myself individually,

Everybody, Speaking idealistically,


I can’t always sense other’s sense of right and wrong, I need to go back to my path, assuming I’m not on it? I can’t trust who “gets it”.. 

I guess.. 

The less I properly, consciously, push myself, step by step, out of my comfort zone, The more I unconsciously turn to be saved by,

Big Hierarchy,

Preaching to myself, Idealistically,

And if I don’t live by myself-idealistic-preaching, 

I’m still not sure who will truly assist me?

Although I fear that my level of fear may be adding to too much fear,


What was I thinking again?

Fear of Mad Cow disease as a punishment for MAD ubiquitous convenient indulgence?? 

For not liberating slaughter houses?

For not sticking to or forming a truly democratic union?

For being too in my fear and not disciplining myself to increase good power for the good energy?

Which social functioning party is now “brainwashing” me?

I’m trying so hard, yet feel so guilty!!  Where’s the empathy!! 

Rhymes sometimes distract me, Especially with “ADHD” in combination with “generalized anxiety”.. 


I believe in expressing oneself to the best of their INTEGRITY,

Also, I have no patience, For petty, Middle/High school drama, Since I’m the age of a “grown-ass man”, People may shit-talk,  all they want, I’m STILL ACCOUNTABLE to stay on my walk, Or else I might unconsciously wastefully talk,

Idealistically speaking for myself, My attention needs to stay focused on “adulting” up, Although we all have our own extents of past and present trauma and individual innate response tendencies’ (I think?),  Which we may experience more of, If we don’t heal and build ourselves up, We’re still morally accountable if we screw up,

Yep, I still try to keep my head up, Even when being true to myself while writing causes a lot of emotions and past pain to come up,

I still must “adult up”, I still must keep my head up, Do I need to quote that? I don’t think so and I feel others know that..? 

I’m accountable to keep trying, Aside from the physical, To not get wastefully emotional, So I don’t contribute to a toxic energy mutation, So we don’t end up in an unstable emotional contagion,

These rhymes are sometimes all my ego looks for and I don’t know if anyone thought of them before?

If I don’t have consistent discipline for making more and more conscious decisions then I’ll hurt the community I’m in, I need to better myself, To be a better help, To myself and whoever else,

I’m still doing that, Still, Still ACCOUNTABLE like what I discussed in my last post,

As I said,

As I implied, Accountability continues on in infinite directions that continue infinitely,  Based on how I presently see, For those who forgot how they hurt me, It’s probably because they didn’t feel it as bad as me, Honestly.. 

And that is regardless of tests telling me I have a “good memory”, I’m still morally accountable of letting go of what does not positively productively serve me, Thanks for reading,

But if you “don’t get this”,

You may reread it more attentively,

In that regard I think I struggle similarly 


Still Accountable

(Disclaimer: Although I have been having more technical difficulties than usual, and still struggle understanding and navigating through my usage of, even though I feel like I’ve been working too much harder than smarter, I’m still accountable.. Like virtually all my posts (I think?), there’s still so much work that needs to be done, which I’m still accountable for.. And if the technology somehow screwed up what I intended to say.. I’m still accountable.. Well, my writing is open to infinite interpretations that may expand in infinite directions. I always try to keep that as my intention.) 

Although it may be understandable why we screwed up, We must still be held peacefully accountable, for civil organization to remain sufficiently stable, So me obsessively busting my balls to re-film juggling videos to capture a feat on video that may take weeks, if not months, of video takes, wearing different but “proper” clothes, all to compensate for my damaged bullied ego, is still no excuse to not look for work, So I must remain strong and move forward, even while carrying obsessive compulsive painful inner dark forces, I still have to journey through the application and rest of the process, I must face the risk of deception and be as careful as I can to NOT give my information to those with bad, cruel intentions, Because, I’m still accountable,

Regardless of what is weighing me down internally that has unconsciously contaminated me once again while in quarantine isolation,  I’m still accountable,  To give forth in a way, truest to me, that I view as most helpful,

If I don’t keep my word, may you choose how to properly hold me accountable, for the betterment of myself and all that remains what most consider as “civil”,

I’ll learn to the extent whether I can and can’t trust your discernment at holding me accountable,  Will what you do be healing and helpful? Or will it be more punishment that furthers my emotional and physical inner detriment?  I’m trying to stay accountable even with all the ways I struggle,  At least by posting this poem I got some commitment done,

Also, Please don’t do me any unneeded, unasked for favors just so you can guilt-trip me later, Maybe that’s not your intention now, But when that insecurity hits you, Trying to feel better by stepping on me, Will be easy, But hurting me won’t make you feel better everlastingly, Based of off my understanding, It won’t heal the cause of your suffering, It’ll just cover it up temporarily as you pass it on to me, And we’ll therefore be out of alignment with our accountability of spreading less pain in our community,

So how we treat each other and ourselves, Since it has an effect, I hope we’re all still held by others and ourselves, adequately empathically accountable, When writing, my inspiration may make me lose sleep, it may make me become less focused on a job I and others depend I keep, so I’m still accountable,

And,  There may be an infinite number of reasons why people try and fail at properly holding others accountable, But we’re still accountable,

Although I don’t feel close to the best, I’m trying the best I know how while remaining accountable, And still wishing as I try, To feel more internally comfortable, To feel more helpfully functional,

Regardless, I’m still accountable,

Although I can get so unintentionally obsessively irrational that can pointlessly magnify my struggle, I’m still accountable,

You can laugh and be judgmental, or helpfully acknowledge me in the painful obsessive mental insecure struggle,

It’s fine to laugh if you find my posts humorous when I’m trying to be serious, I ain’t the “robot laugh police”, But, We’re still accountable,

For the next time I’m a victim of someone’s wrong assumption causing others to have similar wrong assumptions.. For the next time I’m a victim of a wrong assumption chain reaction, I’ll ask the perpetrators, To try having “Asperger’s Syndrome”, And if they assume I’m trying to avoid trouble by “playing victim”, I’ll try NOT to selfishly cause harm to the remaining civilized system, Even if they reject me and my type of autism, Since I’m accountable at being helpful, Not selfishly over-emotional at the expense of others safety according to my present beliefs regarding moral accountability,

But I’ll also remain civil for, My own safety of those who view accountability with a judgmental brutally punitive mentality, For my own safety of those who want to determine how I’ll be held accountable, Who completely don’t truly know me, unless they somewhat do and are attempting to feel better about themselves by feeling control over me by hurting me, Due to their desperate need of feeling in control by afflicting their dominance of me,

Yes.. We’re morally accountable, And to me, our choices impact the degree and the means we chose to remain civil,

Right now, It’s obvious, I’m still accountable,

If anyone tells me I want too much attention, I’ll tell them I’m accountable to exercise my freedom of expression,  That as I been told,  People died for, Such as in the American Revolution, American Civil War, and Second World War, 

As well as union organizers, who died for democracy in the workplace, etc, etc, Yes, reading more history and better backing up my claims I know I’m accountable for,

And yes.. although in many ways I’m a privileged straight cisgender white manchild, Although I do NOT mean to disregard any other secret oppression,  I still have a right to expression that does NOT cause pain or oppression, As long as I’m NOT advocating for violence, I have a right to expression, But I’m morally accountable, For that expression to be helpful, Not hurtful,

By law I can say whatever I want since once “exception” as for taking away freedom of expression may lead to another and another out of imbalanced fear, But please hear, That I know I’m still morally ACCOUNTABLE for my expression to NOT be hurtful,

As for any American wars and union activism, I OBVIOUSLY wasn’t there nor am I a historian (I know you know..), However.., Regardless of what they were actually fighting for,  I’m accountable to honor what I was told was their intention,  In this case,  By giving back through my privilege of free expression, No matter how hard people attack me with their hurtful chain reaction wrong assumptions, misunderstandings or misperceptions, Hate, division and misinformation is NOT my intention,

If anyone views my writing as “wanting excessive attention”, and/or view my posts as me “shaming others for assuming I was just writing for excessive attention, as a way to fool them into giving me more attention..” or if others believe thoughts such as, “he just calls it ‘free expression’ to hide his excessive desire for attention”..  I can’t change their beliefs about me but must accept that there will always be another assumption, Since, I’m still accountable, To remain civil, So I must prepare myself for myself and all else in the battle,

Yes, It’s a struggle,

In my opinion which is accountable to remain humble (even though I struggle), With infinite progress may come infinite criticism, With my bullying history and high level emotional reactivity, Such as what greatly reinforced my frequent painful assuming of what others may or may not be assuming about me, Not harmfully reacting to others cruel assumptions or deliberate disrespect is far from easy, 

But I’m still accountable, At consistently practicing behavior, That is civil,

And although giving forth is something that I’m held accountable, I’m accountable to remember my free rights of doing that in a way that for me is reasonably comfortable,

I’m still getting more consistent at regaining responsibility, I’m still accountable, Regardless of how my labels have affected me,

And since in my opinion, Freedom of expression, Is a good intention, We’re accountable to NOT abuse it or others with it, We’re accountable to try to use that right in any way that is necessary to improve ourselves and all society for example,

Somehow, I’m still accountable,

If you (meaning others) try to make me feel guilty to the point of doing something too fast and too far out of my comfort zone.. If you try to make me feel guilty into going into the pain zone, You may or may not be held accountable.. but I just hope our judgment, punishment and process of holding anyone “accountable”, Is just,  less brutal, Since being civil, In my opinion, Was intended to reduce suffering, And although civilization may feed off of suffering, We’re accountable, Especially speaking to and for myself, To make existing, For all beings, More helpful,

It’s a struggle, I have been very hypocritical, But in my opinion, Preaching to myself, I’m still accountable,

Even if we’re too far from being perfect at it, We’re still accountable, To not give up, Hence it’s WORSE to NOT try than to frequently F up,

If you steal my writing, I’ll REALLY try to not wish you harm, but instead I’ll try to hope that you’re properly held accountable, To AVOID afflicting more pain and judgment on your struggle,  Hence for me, I doubt that would teach me, And it wouldn’t show me needed empathy to regain my good civil humanity,

Regardless of bad luck such as getting my creativity stolen, I’m still, Morally, Accountable,

No matter who I take orders from, In whatever type of government, organization, institution or sector, I’m accountable for staying alert and aware, To embody freedom, For making work, Work better,

I still feel I give people the respect they deserve yet those same people don’t return it yet I’m still accountable, Because if I lose self-control, The pain from others who would “hold me accountable” would just add more shit to my emotional shithole..

When trapped in an environment that treats you like shit,  and knowing if you lose it you’ll just get more shit, For me, I STILL can’t suppress all of it, And it’ll come out eventually, even if unexpectedly, So I’m forced to commit,  to letting shit go, Because if I don’t, I’ll just wind up in a deeper and deeper shithole as I clearly know, And I’ll just contribute to the toxic excessive fearful “snowball”, or in this case, “shitball effect” of brutal control,

I guess it would be, Control that’s brutal due to excessive fear of society becoming brutal and uncivil, Yet this fear causes “civil” society to become uncivil due to the brutality of control.. I think? So how we develop ourselves in response to emotions like fear, We must be held accountable, For more to remain and obtain a state of being that’s civil but ALSO peaceful,

I guess, How we develop our emotions, Influences our decisions, And all our decisions together,  influence the world we live in, Right?

However, Whatever institution or situation I may become further trapped in, I’m still accountable, Since my decisions may still impact those around me, Assuming my ability to make conscious decisions has not become impaired from those who tried to hold me accountable, For example..?

Since I tend to react to the emotions of others with excessive or “hypersensitivity”, I may be more tempted to try and block out the emotions including empathy,  that are weighing on me, And when I try that, Others may ASSUME that I was born “heartless” even though they know NOTHING about my experience, And even though I’ve been for a long time, Absolutely sick of this, I’m still held accountable to remain peaceful, But if I suppress it, That’s not being peaceful internally, And since it may explode out of me eventually, I have to literally feel peaceful to remain peaceful internally to stay as peaceful as I can externally, And I guess the less internal peaceful individuals there are in society, How can we expect to sustain “peace and stability”? You don’t need to judge, lecture and coach me, I’ve had more than enough already, Well.. I guess if I’m being a hypocrite, Please, Please EMPATHICALLY help me fix it,

Once again,  What’s internal, Seems to be foundational, So as for being accountable, I guess it starts internally..?

I’m still curious if the individual(s) who wanted to cheaply give my mom morning sickness medication instead of an IV felt, are feeling or will feel any sense of accountability for the vulnerability they gave me, to the pain that has shaped me? What about their accountability!? And those who tried to conveniently place me in a special school, And those who deliberately made me upset in a mainstream school,               that made me feel like a “fish out of water” in its MAIN inhabitable stream as it’s most conducive option for its most appropriate development, What’s their sense of moral accountability history regarding what they did to me?  Or anyone who has wronged me?

And I sure did learn a lot about the mainstream, And I’m accountable, To channel my emotions in a way that’s helpful, So my type of experiences and worse experiences occur less and less in others,

Although a lot just felt too unfair, I’m still accountable, To heal myself, So I’m better suited to heal what is more than my individual physical manifestation, Yes.. that’s in my opinion..

I wish being accountable felt less dreadful and more self-improving, peaceful and beneficial.. There’s lots of hard pills I’m sometimes forced to swallow, 

The more I struggle fitting in, the more I focus on myself but I’m still accountable to be selflessly helpful,

And due to my creative freedom privilege and opportunity, I’m also accountable to NOT rush creativity so it finishes as better quality,

My accountability list is in infinite directions that continue infinitely,

Who in the insurance industry wanted to save money and not give my mom an IV but instead cheaply prescribe her medication when she was pregnant with me!!? Who!!? Who!!? What’s their accountability!!? Tell me the whole true story!! Don’t give up integrity!!

Regardless of my assumptions towards you, look what you did to me!!?

What’s your accountability given your responsibility!!? I’m trying to stay civil!! I’m trying!!

I’m accountable to not expect too much, Because if I expect too much I think my peace and happiness will selfishly depend on far too much, And since I’ll be so focused on myself, With others, I’ll emotionally lose touch,

Since early childhood tests told me I have a “good memory”, Since nothing pertaining to memorization has really inspired me, I can share stories, Depicting the importance of accountability, Due to my accountability as a believer in FREEDOM, To morally hold accountable those who find the loopholes, Those who avoid being accountable,

Lastly, Although once again having developed in me brutal OCD, Which has re-grew in me during this pandemic..  Remaining focused on work is hard, I wish it was easier.. And yes, I’m well aware that I’m still accountable,

Thank you,

If you want to make more mean assumptions, Or mal-intended loosely based conclusions, I’ll try my best to remain civil, Hence I’m still aware, That I’m, 



Just leave..

As for not having what I want, I can count on the feeling of wanting what I don’t have, to pass,

My obsessive ego expectations have never been complete, And if I never achieve everything my ego expectations require for my ego to be considered “perfect”, I can count on, The unachieved expectations leaving and my consciousness continuing on,

Throughout my life, I’ve had experiences that conditioned how I view and value myself, I’ve unconsciously conditioned obsessive future expectations for myself, That my ego regards as “more important” than appreciating the present just by itself,

All I want is to appreciate what I experience right now, But my ego, Too often, Says I “must” do so much first..

It’s not that having goals are my problem, My problem is that I too often unconsciously view I “cannot” experience true present fulfilling consciousness until all goals are “complete”,

Although I think I’m reasonably consciously aware of this problem now, in the future present, I believe I easily may not be,

Looking back, I’ve noticed my consciousness progress, stay the same and regress continuously,

My ego always unexpectedly wants more and more and I’ve experienced this before and before,

But if my ego in this present conscious manifestation does not get all or anything it tells me I must achieve, At least I believe, That my consciousness will continue on, Forever after, These painful future ego expectations leave,

And I guess instead of painfully expecting less painful expectations, I guess I could say, even if I meet none of my expectations.. I wish the painful dissatisfaction.. will just leave,

I’m getting through it now and hoping to feel better, with far less or no painful expectation pressure, in a future “now”, Or present, I believe I reasonably explained it ?

Emotional Math Problems

When I get however smarter, more aware, or however I “catch on” to what other people seemingly collectively know is really going on, They sometimes get scared, Since I’m out of my “character” they comfortably prefer,

I presently assume I accurately sense.. A lot of excessive distrust and fear that to me, Seems to make judgment less clear,

Based on how I presently see, With greater and greater means of torture and distruction, Such as constructing and designing more and more elaborate systems of weapons or means of harm for a greater and greater sense of personal or group protection, As the internal emotional defense reaction, Instead of accepting the discomforting emotion such as inhaling, consciously detaching while inwardly witnessing, untangeling.. To produce less resisting and more tolerance of the emotion that’s causing discomfort..

And instead of reducing means of destruction for ourselves to use to defend what we assume as a threat, I think we just create more means of harm and destruction we’ve always been afraid of?

Since to me, it seems, more social isolation puts us at greater vulnerability to make wrong assumptions about others such as fearing them excessively, And if we don’t know how to attain confidence to face our fear by interacting with others, I guess we’ll more likely cultivate more and more means of destruction all due to disproportionate fearful assumptions that unconsciously grew in us while in isolation..?

That’s at least part of my present conclusion for that emotional equation..

In other words, I guess I could say that, Less emotional awareness required for attaining, building and sustaining consistent increasing confidence, Puts us more at risk, To stay longer in our comfort zones, And therefore build more and more brutal resistance to leaving our comfort zones..? Such as me possibly not wanting to interact with others due to a fear of bullying, And therefore causing me to keep trying to create more and more intricate means of violently defending myself incase I’m forced to interact verbally, All because I still wouldn’t know how to properly develop, attain and maintain a needed level of confidence to know how to consistently safely defend myself physically, mentally and emotionally (for example) without weapons.. Whether that’s through honest peaceful energy.. or whatever that could be.. ?

To try to simplify it mathematically, I guess I could say,

Unawareness for proper peaceful survival cultivation,


Continually increasing isolation,


A greater chance of feeling a perpetual greater need for violent destruction ?

Another emotional math problem may look like.. Experiencing learning challenges creating more anxiety and less confidence, plus, Innate higher vulnerability to emotional intensity such as anxiety, producing excessive anxiety, plus, Sadness created in us (more vulnerable individuals) due to realizing more and more that others struggle far less at being less anxious and far more seemingly capable under equal circumstance, Plus, painful growing envy that we don’t know how to heal that instead builds and builds, Plus the out of control anger we receive from others who don’t know why we’re so anxious and “stupid”.. Causing more and more painful envy in the excessively anxious and learning challenged individual, May one day, equal, in those of us who are excessively anxious and learning challenged..? Out of control violent rage? Unless you added an unusually higher ability in the learning and anxious (or emotionally) challenged individuals to heal and improve themselves on an unusually higher level so they can speed up faster than a “typical” level so they can arrive (or possibly pass) those individuals functioning on a “typical” emotional and learning ability level?

Yeah I’d have to double check this since I don’t know if enough others will understand and feel me regarding this.. But maybe they do..? And maybe I assume they don’t since I have been spending too much time by myself and haven’t been practicing enough awareness to NOT feel a compulsive need to write this assuming enough others already clearly understand this..


As of now I assume I’ll always struggle to get out of my comfort zone when necessary, I always hope it’ll get easier, Partly so I become more aware so I don’t fear what I don’t need to fear,

I guess causes and effects of emotions can be understood as types of math problems and it seems there are lots of problems.. ?

Yep.. Pun.. intended,

And yes, The emotional math problems and/or equations may get infinitely more complicated and infinite new ways of learning and understanding may always be invariably clearly unraveling

Attack of the Zachs

When I make an unintentional mistake it’s because I was unaware, And if someone angrily and aggressively corrects me, I have often assumed they “knew that I knew what to do”, but I was just being “lazy”, “unintentionally stupid” which made them irritated.. YA..

I struggle with patience myself since I try to be perfect but I’m not a perfectly made and functional robot as far as I’m aware.. Huh..

My emotions and empathy become too tight and heavy that I just want to sometimes inhale and exhale them away so they never come back..

My name is “Zach” and I’m often called “Zach attack” same as other Zach, Zack, Zac or Zaks.. One time on a social media group called “The council of Zachs” I asked in “status” form,

“How many of you Zachs have been called ‘Zach Attack?’” Some were annoyed since the answer apparently seemed to be a stupid, obvious “yes”, Some shared other common rhythmical Zach related terms of endearment from non-Zachs, and some just went on the attack such as asking..


Harmless Catharsis

If someone asks me if I’m alright, I try witnessing, untangeling, and cleansing, while loosening my emotional energy, so their fearful emotions won’t try to wrongly restrain, kill or maim me,

There seems to be a lot of inadequately conscious pretentious assumptions, Yes, I’m aware that’s just my present assumption and I forgive you, assuming my assumption about what some of you were assuming is true..? I can simultaneously preach and not be in alignment such as telling others to stop assuming with them then saying “that’s what you’re doing”.. since I was unconsciously assuming what they were assuming.. as for another way of describing,

I may have been sleep deprived, I may have came from work, I may keep my belongings on me, Incase while waiting for a ride home on a sunny day in a place like a big city such as wearing my hat backwards indoors so the brim is completely out of my face so I can see the larger picture when conversing or undergoing questioning, and I can choose to practice not negatively, physically harmfully reacting to whatever I may assume others assume about me regardless of how much they assume or say they “know” me.. Even if readers judge my writing with their own surface level advanced elaborate logic, I can decide to remain focused on what’s most important and ideally pragmatic, Incase they take out of context or misunderstand my harmless catharsis,

I can still find my way out of brutal presence by doing all I know, then discovering as I go, more acceptance, for higher tolerance

Crisis Creation

My mental health crisis is NOT a time of restriction, My crisis is not a time of forcedly prescribed zombification,

Moderation, Moderation,

My crisis is NOT a time of brutal traumatic “justification”,

Instead, I can channel a “crisis”, Into peaceful creation,

If at work, or.. Doing something “artistic”..

Point is that in my belief as of now.. 

Wherever my crisis and me are located, Me and my crisis can become peacefully acclimated,

While remaining focused and peacefully adjusting.. In my present belief, Not depriving rights to those in a crisis, Must, Be a cultivated, peaceful, step by step, precision by precision, Infinite, Peaceful, Awakening, Process,

No I’m not always sufficient at this, However,

Just thought.. I’d.. Share however I am now, Aware, unaware,

And wherever,

Yes.. my ego wants clout, But please give me, Proper awareness for a true, “Benefit of the doubt”

However, aside from how I was challenged and struggle, I’ll always be held responsible


I can either heal my trauma, learn and prepare for more potentially equally or greater traumatic experiences, or stay in my victim mentality.. As of now, that just seems to be my slowly cultivated attention span conclusion.. I don’t believe that to be a deliberately collectively cultivated tribalistic illusion.. just from unintentional environmental effects that I (and I guess “we” (as in every sentient being if not just humans.. (I think?))), Shaped all aspects of any of our(s) experiential actuality ?

Huh.. I’m up too late once again.. mania is slowed somewhat I think..? whatever.. Not sure if and when I’ll post later.. However I’m and we’re always here together..

Sorry for preaching.. Oh course I’m still repeating to reinforce.. As for whatever emotion that may cause me to make others assume I’m “dangerous”.. I just still need to tell myself once again.. To find and stay aware of my healing source..

Okay enough preaching to myself.. 👍