Sucks

Toxic energy says..
“He’ll be back”,
And if I don’t show up,
As you may expect,
It’ll sneak in,
For the attack,

It’ll guilt me,
Over the slightest,
most microscopic,
Imperfection,
Which it can,
See,
That I can’t,

As it fills me,
As it criticizes me,
As it,

Sucks,

Peace and equanimity,
Out of me,

I presently feel that,
It sucks,
Rationality into,
Irrationality,
Peaceful coexisting difference,
Into,
Stereotypes,
Into,
not trusting,
Anybody,

Toxic energy makes me not trust myself,
It makes me,
Assuming I’m understanding this accurately,
Want to be saved,
By instilling a belief in me,
That I can’t do it on my own,

I hope,
Or wish,
If this post were to spread,
That it does NOT,

Reinforce any toxic..

Force,

And I had to say that,
Since..
Evidently..

I often assume this to be a common force,

Yes..
Hopefully it cleanses,
More of the dominating underlying force

Know What I Mean?

If all this,
Or all my,
“Empathy”,
or emotional “fatigue”
(“empathy fatigue” is a phase I did not create..)
is soul depriving,

?

I still believe that,
There’s never a point of,
“no return”,

I have a belief that,
Needed,
Healing,
Leading to,
Fruitful,
Clear experience,
May “always return”,

I put quotes around any written material,
I assume,
That others may assume out of context,
Then,
Accuse me of “plagiarism”,

I fear others asking me questions such as..
“Well.. since you didn’t film your writing.. then how do we know that you ‘wrote’ it..”
Which seems to create an even greater unnecessary need for technological espionage..
?
Get it ?

I try making what I express as NUANCED as possible,
So finding the essentials in a bunch of words is less of a struggle,

Although,
In my belief,
Regardless of how long it went unchecked,
Robotic unconsciousness,
Is never,
Permanent,

Still,
I hope and wish,
And have been trying to,
Hone,
my mechanisms on becoming more equanimous,
(such as showing up for a more consistent routine),

I can still fill in the blanks more and more of this post,
But as for the subtle details,

Do you know what I mean ?

If not..

No worries

If it’s Helpful

I guess,
the more I see the same experience,
and the less I question it,
the more trapped my world views become..
Hence,
I must regain focus,
and can sustain adequate awareness,
if not,
or.. overcome (I guess)..

Because thinking we know everything when there’s always more to know ..

Is dumb .. wait what ?

I know riiiight

?

This may be vague..
But I’m trying to,
keep it open,

I guess the more I’m NOT allowed to feel emotion,
The more robotic I’ll become ?

Well if it’s helpful,
I’ll stay numb

Uncomfortable Zones

If I’m in a comfortable surrounding place,
While not comfortable emotionally,
Then I’m not totally in my comfort zone,

I often feel the risks I take are inevitable and out of my comfort zone,
However they’re too uncomfortably far out of my comfort zone too often,
This occurs unintentionally obviously,
Hence I’m not comfortable with my judgment (or discernment) evidently,

Even though my learning, social, emotional atypically higher level of challenges brings me far higher discomfort than most doing the same requirement,
I’m still REQUIRED,
To some extent,
To remain in the same zone of environment,

Even though I’ll experience discomfort to a far greater extent,
Than those “typical” functioning individuals in that environment,

When I realize how comfortable I can become,
I realize how far I’ve been out of my comfort zone at different points,
Point is I realize how uncomfortable I’ve always been,
And the point is,
I’m almost,
If not always,
Too uncomfortable of a person,
With inner discomfort that may emanate,
Causing others to gravitate,
Away from me,
Instead of helping me alleviate,
The excessive discomfort in me,
Since they’re focused on utilizing their non-learning challenged, non-socially and non-emotionally challenged ability to the best of their degrees,

Which they have a right to do,
And getting the most out of this physical manifestation we’re in,
I WANT TOO!!

However,
I feel the long,
If not shorter,
harsh inevitable consequences,
of life forcing me,
Out of my comfort zone,
Far too quickly,
Causing me an unwarranted excessive and wasteful, reality,

Whatever I feel I must do to give forth,
I feel we’re all entitled,
To give forth in a step by step process that,
Of course will likely be out of our comfort zones,
But may not be out of our comfort zones too fast,

So as of now,
I try to be helpful by writing..
Since I post where barely anyone reads,
I don’t have as big of fear of embarrassment,
So there’s more room for me to post what I may likely regret..?

However,
I prefer to share my writing to FAR more others who will feel helped,
Supported or somehow appreciative of having had read it,
That is how I want to try to give forth,

In a way that’s reasonably,
But not TOO much discomforting,

In a way that’s not TOO DANGEROUSLY out of my comfort zone for me,
For my own sanity,
For example..

Since in my belief,
With my level of “autism”,
With my social, emotional, and learning challenges,
That started off higher,
And that gave me bad experiences which made my ego SO obsessively insecure,
As for giving forth,
I believe it’ll still be okay if I don’t fight fire,
or put my life dangerously on the line to experiencing the most physical or whatever type of pain presently imaginable,

I don’t mean to discourage others from joining and trying to remain in alignment with good truths they’re presently understanding,

It’s just,
I feel our ways of giving forth,
Must be practical instead of overly out of our comfort zones which we’ve developed to whatever conscious or unconscious degree,
Throughout our lives,

Speaking for myself (as always),
Since (as I probably already said),
Whatever I speak or express comes from my own experience..
I want to add that,
A big point I’m trying to emphasize is that,

Although we may be faced with inevitable risks (at some point),
We’re entitled to give FORTH,
In a way that is NOT too fast out of our comfort zones,
In order to remain on the best track we can find,
That entails giving “back”,
Or “forth”,
To continue living and experiencing moving FORWARD,

Which is why,
For me,
Based on my present comfort zone limitations,
Which I’ve formed throughout my life through whatever degree of conscious or unconscious decisions in response to various environments which often gave my innate adversity,
FAR more adversity,
I’ve spent SO, SO, much of my life living OUT of my comfort zone,

Yet,
I’m STILL ACCOUNTABLE,
I’m STILL ACCOUNTABLE,
To try my best to contribute to what is civil,
To contribute to what I believe will make,
My time here worthwhile,
Helpful,

And I can take,
What I’ve learned from past experiences and other attempts at “opening up”,
Which I’ve already done or tried since I made over 100 blog posts and since I’m this far in writing this post right HERE,

When need be,
I’ll stay as safe out of my comfort zone for the benefit of myself and others,
I’ll avoid my own destructive inner reaction when faced with more cruelness or exclusion,

When I’m not chosen for an irrational,
Non-practical reason,
I’ll say,

“I don’t like pointless exclusion”,
And the pointless exclusion may respond by saying,
“Well, we don’t like you”,
And I may say,
“I have social needs to”,
And exclusion may say,
“And we feel a NEED to STAY away from you!”
And I may say,
“But you don’t know me!!”
And exclusion may say,
“Yes we do!!”
And I may say,
“You’re too toxically far out of alignment regarding how you judge and exclude me! I can be a great help in joining you on your infinite journey of discovering and experiencing greater truth ongoingly”,
And exclusion may say,
“Well, we don’t trust you, Sorry!”
And I may say,
“Although I’m different, I have a lot to offer”,
And exclusion may say,
“JUST GET OUT OF HERE!!!”

Then I’ll eventually leave since no matter how much I can try to convince, or prove to someone I can’t change what they presently choose to continue to believe,

But NO!!

I won’t leave!
And those who don’t want me,
May never act kind to me,
Since my rationality can’t just (if at all) heal any degree of their present experience of (their level of) irrationality,
Sadly,

But,
I’ll still continue to do what I feel I must to continue increasingly, everlastingly, remain true,

Regardless of how much people like me,
The more I stay true to what helps me live the most fulfillingly,
The more I’ll like life,
Most likely,

Of course since I want what’s most needed to live the most enjoyable life I can,
Even though,
No matter how hard I try,
To some degree I still may care what others think about me,
(such as writing in this post),
I’ll STILL,
Even if greatly unaware,
I’ll STILL,
Always continue to do what I believe will truly give me a life most WORTH experiencing with my given innate challenges, experiences, (past present ability to make decisions), and of course based foundationally on,
My present level I’m capable to continue out of my comfort zone so I’m not TOO uncomfortable,
So I’m NOT always out of my comfort zone to some level,
But so,
I’m out of my comfort zone in a WAY that is most practical in moments when leaving my comfort zone is inevitable,

As of now,
Writing is a way,
Is an outlet I’ve chose,
To give forth to myself and whoever else,
In ways safest,
Most practical and reasonable given my present existance physical manifestation functioning,
Awareness (or unawareness) level,

It has been,
Is and may continually be a struggle,
However I’m doing all I can,
To remain and consistently become more and more reasonably,
Stable,

I always wish that what I have done,
What I’m presently doing,
What I plan on improving and continuing,
Is sufficiently,
Helpful,

For myself,
And whoever else that is looking to reduce excessively painful struggle,

Maybe what I’ve done is too little..?
But what I feel I must do aside from writing,
What I feel I must do,
How I feel I must contribute in a way, and/or ways I feel for myself and those I’m around as most reasonable,

I’m still,
STILL trying,
To remain,
And/or,
To be,

Helpful,

I hope these thoughts (and/or feelings) I shared here,
Regarding living out of my comfort zone,
Have been helpful,
Especially when being in those types of zones,

With all the different levels of uncomfortable zones,
I wish for my awareness to be adequately,

“In the” NEEDED “zone”,

I have all this privilege,
Yet don’t always feel and make the most of it,
Or just sufficiently make what I can of it,

As for not only being part of,
But in touch with good SPIRIT,
I can ALWAYS try to come back to it,

I can always try to attain more of it,
For reasons such as the enjoyment of it,

I also guess,
That,
like any out-of-proportion emotion..
The less I fear,
The more I’ll be able to,
Protect myself,
Since I’ll function in ways that are,
More clear,

So I must not feed into toxic unaware cultures of DISPLACING hate and immense anger on what I do NOT need to be afraid of AS afraid of.. Since that will NOT make the world better,
It will NOT make life clearer,
But if anything,
It will put us in FAR more danger of every being on this planet going extinct..,

So speaking from my present belief(s) shaped from my life decisions,
Shaped from my experiences, etc, etc..

May we refrain from DISPLACEMENT,
And may we INSTEAD,
Help ourselves AND each other,
DEVELOP,
Helpful,
DISCERNMENT,

May we continually help ourselves and others understand infinitely more of what needs to be understood,
Including what could help life stay and infinitely increasingly remain in a direction that’s good,

May we sustain and increase NEEDED discernment,
To properly sustain and utilize,
Increasing,
Everlasting,

Good,
SPIRIT,

May (any level of) strong spirit refrain from (any level of) catastrophic misjudgment,
May our strong spirit and real integrity remain adequately in,
Alignment,

Whatever we feel any level of pain in any uncomfortable zone,

May we attain needed discernment,

Wherever in that,

Zone,

Although I often fail and still struggle,
I always remain in some kind of,
Zone,
Whether internal, external or however..
I always aspire,
To do what I see as,
Helpful,

I try to repeat,
To remember,
To make clearer,

To avoid displacement,
To avoid sadistic judgment,
Or any form of harmful intent,
To,
Develop,
Continual increasing,
Sufficient,
Excellent,
Discernment,

May our insecurity NOT harm our present mentality,
May we respond to uncomfortable zones helpfully,

Hence,
I try to remain in a helpful zone,
By checking in,
Internally,
To help myself,
To continually equip myself to be helpful to others as well,

Perpetually..

Also,

Since clearing,
Or “opening” or “cleansing”,
Helps me see more clear,
Helps clear,
And/or,
Opens me to be more aware of how to respond to immense, dangerous, pain and/or adversity..
Such as what I may encounter in those UNCOMFORTABLE ZONES especially,
Opening is becoming more and more needed,
For my survival,

Sufficient opening, clearing, cleansing,
Is needed for my sufficient survival,
Since I had exacerbated atypical vulnerabilities,
I needed to open,
To how I respond as needed,
To continue living,
Surviving, experiencing,
Whatever is the best way(s) of describing..

I especially need to stay OPEN to how I must adequately,
Consistently, remember,
On how to survive in those,
Immense, excessive, painful,

UNCOMFORTABLE ZONES,

I may ever,

Encounter,

Still,

Peace and happiness,
And remaining equanimous,
Is what I wish to,
Feel more of,
Regardless of whatever changing forms my present level of consciousness may manifest in,
As a part of a greater form (?),

Forever,

I guess my understanding,

May always become,

Clearer

?

More Satisfied

Although I have a lot of blessings,
That have been and are still passing,
Without me getting to experience,
them..
Due to passing through “trauma” and feeling “overly” entitled,

Resulting in feeding OCD..
Which is another difficulty,
As those who reads my writing know,
I’ve mentioned frequently,

I can still become more satisfied,
Without being close to perfectly satisfied..

I can still,
Become more comfortable,
With unmet expectations,
Being in the background of my awareness,
Since I can’t currently expect them,
To completely vanish,

As for expectations,
As for ego,
Even though,
My ego has been talking about ego..

Well.. as many seem to say..

“I don’t know”?

Speaking from my imagination,
Strong temptations,
Believe I must “choose a different ‘direction’”,

As through life I go,

But often the “crossroads” feel negative,
Ya know?

I guess..
If I seek deeply,
clearly,

The “true” direction,

Even if I don’t trust those who might be conditioning and watching everyone online.. ?
Like sending us what we research in whatever time?

I guess what I have to say is,
May we pay attention to the interconnected equation,
So we can help ourselves and all sentient others,
In a more positive direction,

?

Results From, or results in.. What ??

My mom is pregnant and has bad morning sickness,
Which becomes,
So bad that it results in a DESPERATE need for alleviation,
Which results in her insurance companies compulsively hedonistically saving money by NOT paying for an IV out of their OWN personal insecurity,
But turning to the hedonistic drug industry that will CHEAPLY sell them Phenergan,

Resulting in,
Me developing brutally atypical learning challenges,
Resulting in less emotional challenges,
Resulting in less emotionally challenged, less socially challenged, and less learning challenged children picking up on my UNUSUAL lack of confidence among any other conspicuous weakness (out of their own insecurity exacerbated by their environment, etc..),
Resulting in them being mean to me,
To try and block out their own insecurity and seeking to feel secure to try and dominate me by being mean to me to prove to themselves their authority over me,
Which results in,
Me developing emotional problems as I become older,
Which results in BRUTAL perfectionist obsessive compulsive behavior,
Which results in me never wanting to be bullied again,
Which results in a temptation to emanate huge aggression for anyone I assume will deliberately give me more greatly excessive pain and/or oppression,
Which results in me getting anxiety, paranoia, and sleep deprivation,
Which results in me becoming dependent on recreational or prescribed medication to block out painful out of control emotion,
Which results in greater fear of winding up in a brutal institution..
Which results in relying on more medication whenever I experience regression,
Which results in me hedonistically relying on a “quick fix” solution to block out painful obsessive compulsive insecure emotion,
Which results in me worrying about developing some new future health condition like diabetes from all my sugar consumption as an example of a medication (or substance? (maybe that’s a stupid question?)) to block out deep painful emotion,
To conveniently help me keep going “through the motions” I need to go through,
for my survival to continue,

Which results in (or “Resulting in”..) me feeling sucked in and trapped in the dominant culture of “quick fix” hedonistic fixation, in which I came to being in,

Which results in me losing confidence in my ability to make and sustain better decisions for greater peace, happiness and fulfillingness when “going through the motions”,

Which results in me NOT seeking confidence in seeking REAL and TRUSTWORTHY individuals who want to join me in a journey of experiencing present experience the way we TRULY want and prefer,
Way,
Way,

More,

Resulting in me “checking in”,
On why I really been making my decisions,
Which then results in,
Whatever else it results in..

Such as writing a blog post in which I’m not sure what to title it..
“Results In or Resulting In”

?

What?

Forever Last

So many questions..

So.. so many questions..

How may I precisely heed?

To succeed, at surviving through the day,

Medication..

Medication..

As I write,
Out of fear of an unforeseeable slow painful death the next day,

If I mess something up,
I wonder if my punishment will be 1,000 times more unnecessarily messed up..?

Loud noises are blocking out my linear attention,

Attention!

Attention!

Labeled struggles with attention, makes me fear that I’ll get punished by those who have greater attention,

Since my labeled low confidence in “typical” attention,
Makes it feel like I’ll inevitably screw up,
Then get beat up,
Or worse..
Or worse..

Who knows?

Who knows what’s occurring in other skulls?
Who knows what details they’ll seek from me?
Who knows their beliefs of holding me to accountability..?

So many needed questions at me,
I wish I could answer,
Precisely,

I guess it’s.. More painful uncertainty..

?

If any day could be my last,
Festivities would be a blast,

To me,
many seem to imply that it won’t,
But my ego still wishes,

The fun,
Freedom from all fear,
All pain,
Would forever last

Just One Outlet

I’m NOT looking for difficult experiences to have “more material to write about”..

NO!!!

Writing is just one chosen outlet,
I use to heal,
To get it out,
So I don’t lose it,
By exploding over all my suppressed,
painful inner bullshit,

In these posts,
Although I didn’t post short stories with dialogue about it,

I still said enough about it,
And although I like writing as one of many outlets,
As for bad experiences,
I’ll still try to keep responding as safe as I can to whatever comes,

I’ll try to react less negatively to others painful energy,
Yes,
I have my last post saved,
But got a little paranoid if I was being to judgmental,

..

However,
I am certainly NOT looking for more bad experiences so I have “stuff to write about”,
In my opinion,
Yes ..
Due to my paranoid self,
Assuming how others may assume the context,
Assuming it may cause them to “hate me”,
Instead of realizing I was just trying to express how I struggle daily,
And didn’t mean to attack personally,

Yes.. exactly,

I know,
Even on this blog I explained and talked about more than enough painful,
Bad experiences,
And yes ..
I have short stories,
which I haven’t shared yet ..

However,
Regarding bad experiences,

Once again,
I am,
NOT LOOKING FOR THAT!!

I’m looking to heal it,
To cleanse it,

To move past it..

Yes..
I,
along with many,
Were born into some form of the bullshit,
I struggle to join with others to handle it..

Although I reluctantly deal with it,
Still,
I won’t ever quit

Enough Already

According to me,
Many others are not the only ones,
in need of some helpful salvation,
Reparation,

I feel that many feel they “know” my situation,
Without knowing me,
Without experiencing my atypical environment,
Without experiencing my atypical condition,
This is one of my typical assumptions..,

I’m new,
Still adjusting,
To an environment,
Far out of my comfort zone,

While I was on the retail store floor,
“zoning”,
Or neatly condensing items,
Then putting them on the “flat bed”,
A veteran firefighter,
A type of person I greatly admire,
asked me,

“Hey, may you tell me where the taco soft shells are?”

Since I’m new,
and for other reasons I often discuss,
I said..,

“Oh, I’m not exactly sure, but how about these right here?”

Then after I pointed,
He profusely shook his head,
As he made a face,
making me feel more incopetent,
Hazardous and stupid,

While briefly exclaiming “No!”

I then said sincerely,

“Sorry!!”

Then he stoically,
ignored me,

Then I looked at him in a way,
I guess I could say was,
INFLAMMATORY,

My flammable hypersensitivity,
In combination with his anger,
Made my flammable anger,
MORE flammable,
Yet..
It STILL,
did NOT spread it out,
onto others from inside me!!!
Hence,
I helped sustain,
emotional fire safety!!

Also..
Aside from me reading his windbreaker saying “veteran”,
and assuming his age..
As for what the words stated,
I can’t exactly remember..

But the judgmentally part of me guesses..,
That his days of fighting fire,
are over,
?
At least figuratively,
if not literally..
?

Instead of assisting me “fighting the fire”,
Of my built up insecurity,
That worsened instantly,
I couldn’t minutely give back to him,
For his service by telling him where the soft taco shells were precisely..,

The fire in my chest,
then got hotter,
Then sadness made it brutally cooler,

My emotions swung as they usually do,
In variously,
unexpected painful directions,

Is there one form of ultimate pain ?
I don’t think so honestly..

To me,
Pain is in infinite forms in infinite directions,
That may painfully attack us..
Unexpectedly..,

?

I know I struggle a lot,
I wanted to feel confidence,
and determination to give back by fighting literal fire,
But have I FIGURATIVELY fought at least enough already..?
So I don’t have to give forth equally literally?

And with his mentality,
Although I don’t believe in stereotypes,
It didn’t help me feel trustworthy,
It didn’t assist me,
To join any type of crucially needed responders,
Unfortunately,

And I doubt he had autism like me,
And fear like me,
Or whatever form of brutal emotional hypersensitivity,
aside from a level of his own type of PTSD..?

However,
Regardless of what he has been through,
that I don’t know,
He still may have struggles,
DIFFERENTLY,
?

Was it worse?
I wasn’t there,
I don’t know?
I guess we all respond to fire,
differently..?

As for me,
Regardless of my beliefs,
in healing,
and equal moral responsibility,

I still feel,
That I have been,
burned severely,
More than,
enough already