Mixed Messages

Aside from my present belief(s) pertaining to essential moderation..,

If people who I admire dislike and shittalk each other,
If people joke ALL the time,
IF people ALWAYS communicate figuratively and NEVER literally,
My awareness may (for example) MORE LIKELY become so scattered,
Fearful and unable to comfortably trust others,

And when the anxiety causes me to lose sleep,
I’ll MORE LIKELY dream when I’m literally awake,
Then competing brand names may tell me what to take,
And (essentially) those competing over whatever I must do to relax may get mad at each other too,

I just CANNOT merely rely on the external to tell me what I really must do IN ORDER TO morally and ethically find a mutually beneficial path for myself and (or among) my inseparable sentient surroundings,

Speaking theoretically (in my belief)..,
If I constantly receive mixed messages,
Such as being in between two superiors secretly shittalking to me about each other,
In addition to NOT knowing which orders to follow,
I may MORE likely question my reality to the point of spiraling into deep (and possibly) irreparable insanity!?
Same likelihood may result from a leader teaching profound insight while embodying profound hypocrisy..,

If those who influence my perceptions of reality are TOO OFTEN confusing me,
It just may have a significant negative effect on my present level of sanity,


Sustaining awareness of what is presently affecting my internal foundational functional awareness has felt challenging for me yet hopefully gets continually more sustainable,

And whoever is leading is HOPEFULLY reducing the cycle of pointless excessive and damaging suffering,
I just wish these egoic separate entity forces of awareness become LESS dominating

Role Instructors

However implicitly or explicitly,
If a former war associate suggests that I should “join the military”,
And if I respond by making it clear that I do not want to,
And if the older former war associated individual responds by saying “it’s not like the movies”,

Is the individual implying that modern high-tech violence is easier?
Harder or the same?
So how can I know if the elaborate step by step goal setting rules and terms are always changing..?
Let me guess..,
I must stop “overthinking”?

Yet to sustain my belief in trying to clearly concisely critically question..,
I feel I must ask:
What would really be occurring if I signed and/or clicked on an email link THAT I do NOT understand..?
What if someone I felt a need of emotional support from impatiently waited for my signature..?

What is the dominant intent,
Of powerful organizations who explicitly and/or implicitly CLAIM to dedicate themselves to human and/or sentient advancement?
Is there a step by step painful initiation prerequisite process that is inclusively collectively worth it..?

Would some form of intelligence try to fabricate my intentions and LIE about my history to justify abusing someone as confused and oblivious as myself..?

Why torture someone if the torturer knows that the person being tortured will act guilty in order to stop being tortured!?
Is the individual doing the torturing threatened to be tortured the same way if the individual does NOT torture the person he/she/they is torturing..?

I’m now assuming,
The anger and annoyance of what people are afraid of or do NOT understand causes of must be building..?

How lost are people getting in their orders from the role instructors?
Who truly can NOT emotionally return from their role they feel they were “meant to” PLAY..?
On screen,
In the theater and/or violence zone..?

I guess I feel that more must learn and/or REMEMBER to..?
Stop justifying the past,
For an apathetic social function drug induced blast,
Be careful of the building ASSUMPTIONS of who your group intimidates and EXCLUDES,

And yeah I know I’m preaching..,
Yet safe emotional regulation free of painful side-effects,
I just have NOT found the causes of

Chemical Balancing Headquarters

IF every word and/or set of words that comes out of my mouth receives a diagnosis..,
IF all I find is NOT sufficiently thought stimulating,
IF all I practice does NOT help me learn NOR help me remember how to nourish the roots of my present individual physical functioning,
IF all I do is just listen to several different lived experiences,
opinionated expressions and hierarchical evaluations from others..,
When will I have time to piece together foundational clear internal growth to plan and connect a purposeful blueprint that may manifest as an individual and collectively needed career path?
Of course (I believe) I can learn from experiences of others,
Of course (I believe) our experiences and inner sensations are inseparably interdependent to a significant extent,
Yet I feel I must learn (if not remember) how to remain safely concisely focused and further embody my beliefs instead of losing emotional awareness and INSTEAD of ALWAYS questioning WITHOUT finding any viable decision in which I question and ask for help when most needed to help myself among any present sentient surroundings,

Instead of overthinking and always trying to find deep meaning..,
I feel I need to act with more internal and external emotional alertness and awareness that’ll lead to more peace and happiness..,
I’m not sure if I need to yet I’ll just cite this:
(Source: Ryan Holiday, “The Obstacle Is The Way”, pages 46 – 47, (2014), Profile Books, London),

And if I excessively lose sleep..,
Instead of becoming manic while giving moral insightful organized and efficient leadership,
My mania might INSTEAD get manically excessively evaluated,
Emotionally dismissed and interrupted to the point of energy building and building within,
Scattering my mind in all directions of increasing paranoid assumption,
Then I may get forced on medication (and/or secretly given it to take off the edge in social recreation) to have my attention remain “on track”..,

And when I do NOT want to take medication,
When I want to HONOR what my teachers taught me about the NEED to just say “NO” to drugs..,
Where will I find a specialist who will NOT diagnose my behavior to just receive a paycheck from the lead chemically balancing social function accepting headquarters!!?

I just hope to trust more of my teachers and how they’re influenced by administrative law and orders

A Flag

What symbols will future forces allow me to post..?
Since as far as I know I’m in an internet safe space,
I’ll begin,
With some questions I presently feel could be socially,
psychologically and spiritually considered,
such as I would guess,
Pertaining to seemingly inanimate objects that represent a collection of senses and beliefs shaped by internal awareness that evolved over time:

Do we follow a flag for swag..?
Do we follow a flag to have social connection or to try to justify some other type..?
Do we follow a flag to follow orders to try to see ourselves and have others see us as egoless..?
How do WE take the needed steps to spiritually reconnect with realizing and remembering any inseparable forms of interconnectedness while remaining properly nurtured and sheltered..?

How many wise egos of any ages still need to be “stroked”..?
How many lost the ability to emotionally control themselves..?
What level of authority and control do those have who are emotionally out of control..?
When will the “inner child” run wild into war just for a reason it does not understand nor feels comfortable verbally and/or emotionally expressing..?
Where and when will the painful energy react!?

For a start..,
How about we sustain social connection by cleaning up the planet and following an inner path of logical awareness expansion and/or whatever inner peace development path that suits us best as we navigate and prevent human and/or non-human caused environmental catastrophe..?
Or will we ever find a place for our part in that..?
Will we become too emotionally dislodged and scattered to build and construct a sustainable inclusive collective personal and interdependent schedule..?

I’ve found managing my sensory awareness hard,
Such as..,
When I lose sleep,
Even a noise from any other may trigger a bad social interaction energy memory of feeling emotionally stepped on,
Which may make it very hard for the emotional pain to NOT make me externally appear.. yes,
Yet also dangerous and INANE,
Hypothetically speaking..,

And if people assume that about me..,
or whoever could happen to be immensely sleep deprived,
Deeply isolated,
Dismissively evaluated and UNappreciated while painful emotional memories resurface..,

Then well..,
Hopefully human instincts have developed peacefully and civilly enough for whenever anyone may react without thinking either once,
during or after being threatened,

And that’s more of what I have to say,
while proceeding along on,
some kind of way,
Or path,
Or whatever I’m allowed to say

Take Shelter

I presently feel that:

Elaborate lecturing does NOT always help us stay adequately focused on doing what we must,

For example,
If I never realize how lost in my mind I become in stressful imagination(s) resulting from fancy worded talks,
Such as about how to “solve” one or however many world issues that I as an individual truthfully have zero sufficient control over..,
I might get sleep deprivation,
Which may increase a rate of imbalancing emotion,
And then I’ll become more susceptible to a level and/or type of toxic medication through prescription and/or recreation,
And/or I’ll become more and more vulnerable and overpowered by forces with better self-control than me that impulsively abuse me in my present state of emotional and physical sensory vulnerability,

What choices did I really choose to make..?
What decisions did I truly decide to take..?

I just wish that more would inwardly heal themselves so they would likely NOT abuse their present ability to a brutal degree..,
Great intelligence with infinite directions of infinite elaborate exclusive collective expanding awareness without prerequisite good morality I hope remains as fantasy,
May there be some point where good moral awareness is required for greater technological intelligence advancement,
May clear peaceful moral intent be needed for any type of infinite expanding awareness improvement to continually manifest externally as it is experienced and developed inwardly,
And IF and whenever greater forms of intelligence get clouded with inwardly painful egotistic anger,
May we know and remain prepared how to take shelter

Seeking to be Better

I feel that:
For one,
I’m NOT “perfect” at putting stuff into words..,
And I feel inner feelings can be worded infinitely clearer and clearer (for example),
And instead of giving myself more inner painful resistance of the reality I can NOT change,
Which is that,
Instead of seeking to understand more deeply,
Many people just may conveniently judge what I’m trying to say as “crazy”,
(For example),
And since I can NOT change that kind of reality,
Why not let go of inner negativity that limits me,
And accept the way stuff is..?
Even if many other sentient life manifestations do and would cruelly react to what I attempt to convey..,
Why not just go back to finding that peace within me..?
To at least sustain a sufficient level of sanity..?
Okay so additionally,
I feel that:

If I seek to be better than others,
I end up intensely focusing on myself,
And the more I focus on myself,
The more I narrow my awareness,
Such as by reducing my attention of all that surrounds me,
To just focus more and more on me,

To find “validation” or see what I “must do” to “validate” myself,
I’ll focus more and more on thoughts in just my head,
While losing touch with the deeper being that I believe I came from and remain a part of,

And well..,
I guess I must clearly ask: “What do I mean in this context by ‘myself’”?
Is it my “true self” that’s a part of the same life energy all other manifestations are?
Or is it my “ego self”?
(For example),

I believe that,
If I seek to be “better” for the purpose of being “better than others”,
I’m narrowing my awareness by focusing on JUST the thoughts in my head about the present physical form I’m in,
And while LOSING more and more touch with more and more that I’m also a part of,
Including losing touch with more and more,
Of what I can be deeply grateful for,

If I just focus on being “better than others”,
I’ll seek to increasingly separate and antagonize,
Instead of deeply open and connect,

And well,
Will this egoic narrowed awareness really help me expand my foundational internal ability for whatever it is I pursue?
I doubt it..,

I believe I must seek to be better,
Than someone who is just trying to be better than others,

And instead of just trying to attain deep understandings for an ego boost,
Such as to feel that I know “more” than “others”,
If I really put into practice,
(Such as),
Expanding my inner awareness that’ll underlie better decisions and increased capabilities for whatever I pursue externally,
Maybe that painful capability impinging insecurity,
Of trying to be better and better than more and more “others”,
May internally impinge my true clear egoless capabilities/possibilities less and less..?
And therefore,
Hopefully my awareness will be increasingly expanding instead of unconsciously selfishly limited resulting from being narrowly focused on my ego self being “better than others”,

Instead of being focused on the thoughts in my head to validate my ego,
Hopefully my awareness gratifyingly expands beyond the excessive thoughts passing through my head,
Beyond my ego,

So to really feel clearer and more ethically peacefully gratifyingly powerful,
I guess(?) I must let go,
More and more of my egoic insecurity,
And I guess(?) I must seek to open and connect more deeply,
Such as,
Within me that entails MORE than just the thoughts in my mind that my ego seeks and clings to for its sense of “separate” and “isolated” self..?

I feel I must continually clearly and peacefully remind myself,
To keep trying to expand my awareness more deeply,
To include,
Increasingly more of all that surrounds me,

With the hope of expanding my awareness continually BEYOND egoic thinking insecurity,

And hopefully,
(As implied),
Seeking to let go of feeling this constant need to be “better than others”,
Will hopefully reduce inner painful insecure pressure,
And will therefore hopefully,
Help me increasingly feel,

And overall..,



Peaceful Recharging

Since I’m feeling a little manic tonight,
I just thought I’d make another post regarding what I presently feel I’m trying to logically piece together what I presently believe as right,
And yep my ego tried to rhyme that,
And it wants to infinitely connect more and more fancy rhymes to get attention,
Yet since I feel slightly emotionally dysregulated at the moment..,
Instead of suppressing the emotion WITH the INTENT to PREVENT it from building and cruelly exploding onto whichever beings more vulnerable than me..,
I presently feel I’ll try to ride these rhymes out..,
And then refocus my awareness on my breath as the search for rhymes passes like a current that I can breathe and relax within..,
Or do both at the same time..?



I feel I must ask that..,
Does EXCESSIVELY uncontrolled selfish attention (possibly mainstream(?)) annoying repetitively similar sounds distract us into socially awkward attention reduction..?
To me it’s as those efficient implicit communicators just may say..,
And would just saying “obvious” sound less robotic..?
Yet if something is commonly regarded as “obvious”..,
Then why say the word..?
I guess..,
My point is that intelligence can be expressed in MORE than just words..,
Yet because I’m wording this..,
I do like trying to put what I presently view,
What I’m passing through,
Into at least some words..,

And if you’re offended due to whatever..,
There’s nothing I have to presently offer..,
Other than a convenient apology so my ego is SORRY..,
And why be forced to apologize when we’re NOT properly taught how to peacefully regulate out of control emotional energy..?
And since I presently believe we’re more than our physically manifesting ego.., Maybe an insincere apology will at least have others who we have hurt (because of whatever forces that may have dysregulated our internal self-control (for example)) feel at least some need of feeling heard..?
Yet for my own safety..,
I’ll add that for myself and whoever others,
That I do believe in moral compassionate accountability..,

I guess..,
And to keep rhyming..,
Presently to me it just feels that it remains an ongoing struggle to safely match inclusive collective open minded energy..,
That honors societal truth within,
And sustains an ethical compass within,
And compassionately follows truly ethical orders and can sustain distinguishing awareness,
To see the difference of what can and can NOT presently be altered that surrounds us and that remains as our inner sources of external emotional/physical functioning..,
That may possibly have the ability to be analyzed infinitely..?

And I hope remaining forms of elaborate hierarchical authority increasingly finds (if not sustains) an increasingly compassionate view regardless of past history that may haunt our forms of privilege to some degree..?

Yes I believe in compassionately and patiently remembering how to NOT repeat horrific history..,

Even though these stanzas might not connect “precisely”..,
I still feel a need to add another present belief of mine which is that:
May we find,
remember and/or develop compassionate awareness..,
Of causes,
Underneath any decisions of our own and other spiritually inseparable interconnected entities..,

May we NOT judge those for harming themselves even if they know the consequences,
May we find some needed awareness within ourselves to assist them with,
Which (for example) may just be,
Developing an ability to ongoingly..,
And try helping them feel heard and connected instead of jumping to advice as our ego’s attempt to feel smart by “knowing the answer”..,

I also struggle with this,
Maybe the above was my ego preaching about giving it up..?
And maybe this analysis is just another form of my inner insecure ego..?

What do I really “know”..?

I’ll say it is time to,
Relax my insecure,

Time to reconnect with a shore of peaceful recharging,

I’ll stop obsessively rhyming for at least now to the best of my ability..,

May you have a relaxing night

At first or All at Once

I feel:

I’ll just have to keep remembering to continue practice accepting,
Whether naturally having “problems”,
Or being told I have “problems”,
Gave me more problems..?
Was I “born with” my issues..?
Or was there an unfortunate series of externally occurring events that made me (what I may regard as(?)) painfully LESS present and MORE inclined to remain socially distant..?
Or both..?
And/or (to reward it again(?)) more easily inclined to lose myself in unconscious spiraling excessive analytical thought..?

Sometimes I feel I just want one essential and easy to understand answer,
Sometimes I feel I just want a savior,
One who can teach me literally,
One who does NOT rush to emotionally intimidate me,

I believe that (for example),
The MORE afraid I am of asking what I see as a needed survival question,
The MORE LIKELY I’ll remain in increasing fearful confusion..,
Which may spiral into horrific delusion,
Especially if and whenever in a situation,
When other uncontrollably sadistic external entities are more inwardly aware of my present inner self-awareness..,
I guess..?

As for the “chicken or egg”..,
Pertaining to what I said above..,
What came first..?
My problems OR problems resulting from believing I have “problems” after being told (to whatever degree implicitly and/or explicitly, sincerely and/or impatiently emotionally dismissively (for example)) that I have “problems”..?
And maybe it was all at once..?
And maybe to make others trust us more we need to do better at spotting true inner emotional sources of out of control impulses INSTEAD of allowing our present out of control emotions to form deadly conveniently closed minded assumptions with closed minded “justifications”..?

I’d say that,
What we say,
How we say it,
And our awareness of how it affects others including how we see ourselves..,
Always has some type of level of emotionally interdependent sentient collective affect..?

And I do NOT mean to..
As many seem to essentially say “should all over myself”..,
I presently believe I just feel that this SHOULD come back to common moral awareness that (I believe) is shaped by our life experience(s) such as how others relate to us and how it shaped our emotional/physiological sensory awareness development..?

So what really came first..?
And what occurred,
In whatever ways to whatever extents,
All at once..?

And if I did not sufficiently piece together these spoken words..,
May more capable literary awareness,
Facilitate and sustain increasing moral development as we pass through this similar form of sentient experience,

I hope that me trying to organize thoughts,
And whatever I feel a need to try to clearly piece together into spoken and/or written words,
Has helped,

And if it has NOT,
Instead of using energy to criticize me,
May you instead do a truly better job than me,

May criticism NOT be alienating,
May criticism NOT be divisive,

May criticism be kind,
Healing and cooperative,

And may our steps towards more of this be TRULY clear,
Morally considerate and/or productive,

Thanks for reading

Inclusive Sentient Greatness

I believe, that it is EVIL to try to “justify” the killing and/or torturous oppression of others for NOT believing what can NOT clearly be logically put into words and/or symbols used for communication,
May we NOT be psychologically traumatized, May we NOT be physically maimed, May we NOT be killed, In the name of what can NOT be clearly proven NOR explained,
And if we’re in a position of authority, And if (for example) another sentient being triggers the memory(s) of another sentient being that caused us certain form(s) of pain, May we simply NOT abuse our authority at the expense of whichever others whose presence triggers painful memories within us,
Even though at times it might feel very hard, I would guess(?) that it would probably feel WORSE repeating history,
Regardless of any level of power and authority, May we think and/or feel empathetically and logically, May we remain aware of our inner awareness so our pain does NOT UNjustifiably flow out onto others,
May we remain aware of how our inner emotional/physiological functions affect the changing inner beingness of ourselves and others (whether that’s physical, and/or psychological for example..),
Although this may be incredibly obvious, I still feel that too many still do NOT understand that the tone of voice we use when communicating to others has an effect on how they view, react and/or respond to us,
For example, I would guess(?) that, Coming across as emotionally edgy may make another assume that we’ll harm them physically, And the more our edginess scares others, And/or the more our UNawareness of annoying and/or frustrating others is, The more likely we’ll remain in isolation,
And due to the infinitely preceding elaborate psychological causes and effects of our development that (I believe) have remained out of our control to at least some extent, And that (I believe) we did NOT choose how to NOT make bad choices, Or that we did NOT decide to make out of control bad decisions, Then nothing we do may be our “fault” yet there still may possibly be understandable consequences for our behavior if it causes direct or indirect harm of others,
Such as if physical, social and/or emotional intimidation negatively affected the developing learning and/or emotional regulation ability of another, Then (in my belief) anger by the victim will be valid, And the anger by the victim may make it harder for the victim to control their behavior even in moments when they encounter another who did nothing to them, Yet who reminds them of someone who harmed them,
To put it more vaguely, I believe that.., Our degree in which we’re aware internally, Affects ourselves and whoever else we share civilized society with,
Hence I presently wish that we, Always increasingly aspire for inclusive sentient greatness within ourselves among all other infinite inseparable sentient true beingness

Reducing Painful Frequency

I believe:

The MORE I spot inner painful toxic energy building within me,
The LESS control it’ll likely have over me,

I believe I’m inwardly foundationally accountable,
To build inner peaceful,
Clear and longer lasting strength,
In order to contribute whatever,
Whenever and wherever I may contribute in my external socially expected role(s),

I feel that I,
Try my best to fulfill my part of whatever I believe I presently must,
That’ll MOST likely guarantee what is MOST deeply needed for myself and whichever sentient inseparable others,

Yet due to a history of struggling with emotional dysregulation making me feel more vulnerable and (therefore) lacking the confidence I view as needed for survival..,
I feel I remain emotionally fragile,
And yes,
Other egos may therefore STILL fail to resist a temptation of trying to compensate for their inner unconscious built up insecurity by mistreating me to try to feel an instantly gratifying sense of “dominance” over me,

Speaking idealistically and I guess(?) PRACTICALLY,
I want to emotionally,
Or however need be,
Increasingly help,
Uplift deep inner foundational sentient functioning roots within myself and others,
So our sentient interdependent interconnected ship does NOT sink into infinitely darkening stone cold depths,

And regardless of whatever ends up happening literally,
To sentient life on earth,
May we,
Ride out whatever this existence may keep throwing at us,
For however better or worse,

May we keep riding out this present experience,

May there be LESS and LESS toxic painful changes of any type(s) of frequency,
May we ride our presently passing physically manifesting sentient life form,

And more,