Scattered Heart

Is the past occurring now?
Or am I thinking of it?
Is the future occurring now?
Or am I thinking of it?

What always occurs now?

What do we need to focus on to appreciate the most,
To get the most out of life,
during the time we experience it..
The present?

WOW,

Isn’t it profoundly evident!???

Yeah I’m feeling that anger again,
I revisited some inner bullshit again,
Vengeance is in me,
Unemployment is distancing me,
Literally and more literally,

I’ve been in “fight and flight” so much,
There’s been moments when,
My thinking,
Was shrinking,
Into black and white,
With no shades of any color,

I miss then,
I her,
..,
I been writing about pieces of my autistic life’s bullshit,
And the stress and pressure to please,
While staying safe,
Has,
As a more compassionate part of me predicted,
That I’d lose sleep,

And regress,
As those non-autistics,
Who my victim ego mentality still feels that pain they passed on to me,
Progress

Inhale,
Exhale,

I try to,
Notice,
Witness,
The untangling,
And gradual peaceful connecting,
Of my,
Scattered heart

Terrifying Seasons

I must watch my mind,
So it doesn’t,
Control me like a puppet,

Anger destroys me,
Fear makes me want to feel superior,
Goodness makes me feel,
That,
I can always do better,

One assumption I now have,
Is that,
If I don’t watch it,
My mind will,
Hurt me,

And if others let there minds control them,
Or if they say,
“I can’t control my mind”,
Well,
Then I believe,
That those who can’t control their minds,
Or,
Those who can’t control their emotions,
Or both,

Essentially,
Those who can’t control themselves,
I DEEPLY fear,
Their power over me,

And it’s that fear in me,
That tells me to,
“Obey”,

Yet,
If we don’t know how to control ourselves when we “disobey”,
How will our new societal structure feel any different?

I hope on some level you feel it,
And know how to prevent it,
Yet I’ll just ask it,
As for sustaining freedom,
And sustaining the planet,
Are enough of us,
Doing it!?

Yes my ego wants another blog post,
Yet,
When others don’t do what they can for whatever personal reasons,

Emotionally,
And/or geographically speaking,
We may get more,
Unexpected,
Shocking,
Terrifying,
Seasons

??

Man vs. Manchild

Once upon a time,

A man walked in the door,
Gave another manchild,
some beer,
And muscles,
to try on,

The beer muscles made the manchild ask himself,
“This is what clears my anxiety the quickest and easiest way.. now that I think..?”

The man left,
To go back to wake up the next day,
In a job,
In which many unknown men,
Have been washed away,
And wasted,
In a club called,
“The bay”,

The manchild said,
In time..
In time..
This medicine,
Is how,
All the bullies,
Dickheads,
Scumbags,
Evil artists,
And manipulation in any forms,
Will pay!

The manchild thought to himself,

“And here I am.. in my room, afraid of everyone all by myself, time to question, myself”.

More Advice

Since we react to the same experience differently,
How can I guarantee,
That if I mistreat others,
the way they mistreat me,
That they’ll empathize with me,
When..
(Like I said),
Their different states of awareness,
react to the same experience differently,
?

And autocorrect once again didn’t underline “empathize” and instead,
Because I re-read this,
Is was me,
Not the IPhone,
Information database or wherever,
That realized this,

Since (in posts (of mine) such as “No Guarantee”),
I mentioned there’s NO guaranteed outcome,

Hence,
In my belief,
Trying to show the bully “how it feels”,
WITHOUT healing the internal roots of,
why people bully,
why people suffer,
Or however we energetically project ourselves on each other,
Does not seem to guarantee,
awakening,
And because,
In my belief that I try to emphasize clearer,
and clearer,
It just seems to me that,
Punishment does NOT enlighten,
Yet seems to cause more painful confusion,

So,
Although there’s no “one way”,
I would say,
To focus on inner development,
That heals painful feelings,

And..
Words may not be able to describe this,
?
Or maybe it’s those like me,
Who can NOT clearly write this?

And words,
Alone,
can’t change someone,
Especially since they are words,
Not behavior,

But what is a way to heal pain,
That is causing others,
To mistreat others,
In order to feel better?

Seems to be,
The unconscious ego,
Which we,
must overcome?

Is it (as Eckhart Tolle refers to it) the “pain-body”?
Or I guess (based on my understanding),
“Unconscious pain feeding energy”,
That we must consciously recognize within ourselves to consciously step OUT of?

What environments,
Do we provide for ourselves,
and children,
To facilitate,
This awakening development process?

Basic needs,
Yes..
But how?
Go to the supermarket,
Duhhh..

Point is,
In my belief,
The more we try to prove ourselves right,
The more we forget what we’re trying to prove,
If it’s to someone,
Or anyone,
Who reminds us of anyone,
Who we remember,
Deeply hurt us,

Now don’t stereotype,
There,
At least,
Many of us seem to NEED to be reminded of that advice

Regaining Trust

Although SOME teachers’ actions,
May not morally align with what they teach,
I believe all of us,
Can put lessons we learned,
Inner realizations we acquired,
Into practice,
More deeply,
In ways,
That’ll suit our changing capabilities,

Assuming we’re,
NOT,
doing that already,
?

Inhaling,
Exhaling,
Inner contracting,
And how my narcissistic self feels like posting,

As for anyone,
Such as myself,
Who has gotten easily frightened of the possibility of uncontrollably increasing excruciating world disorder,

Well,
May we remind ourselves to,
Notice,
Inhaling,
And exhaling,
..,

If ya can’t breathe there’s nothing I can tell ya..,

Whether our behavior is,
“Nature, nurture or both”,
To me they all seem to clearly imply,
That whatever we do is out of our control,

So,
May you stay safe,
Stay well,
Remain kind and productive,
And keep spotting..,

Shit..
Help me rhyme this..,
Destructive?
Explosive?

Ohh.. oh..
So,
To be peacefully cooperative,
We must realize how we’re not irritating those we rely on,
So,
..,
I think you know,

And I’ll remind myself,
To remain creative,
Without being destructive,
While remaining productive,

And tell myself,
That I’m thankful,
For the quiet comfortable inner space I’m in,

So thank you,
To anyone who came before me,

Thank you to all of you,
Who has provided,
Is providing and will continue to provide for me,

So thanks to the teachers,

Because we all learn from somewhere,
Whether it’s private,
Public,
In the Constitution,
Or in an ass backwards institution, etc, etc, etc,

I just want to say,
To,
Just do whatever you can,
To fight pollution,

And even if I’m struggling to do “all that”,
Avoid what you know you must,
And hopefully,
Us humans,
Will regain,
More trust

Realizing Addition(s)

“Realizing Addition(s)”

I often feel,
That when others say they..,
“Feel me”,
I don’t feel it to be true,
Yet..
Is it them who doesn’t feel me?
Is it me?
Both..,
I just can’t sufficiently spot the disconnect?

I’ll have one beer,
Then another month or so,
Have more,
While knowing I’m killing of brain cells to kill social anxiety,
..
I’ll get drunk on four drinks,
Then five,
Then the requirement will be “six”,
Because a “six pack” is built for a “man”,
As one man seemed to imply,
..,
I wish him well,
He’s been through a lot,
He’s a good guy,
And a favorite music group of mine (the Dubliners) has a song called “seven drunken nights”,
And was it just a joke??
I don’t know??
But I’m like..
WHY!!?

I liked the lyrics,
But if I want to experience states of awareness,
That in my belief,
Produce the best creativity,
I will take the lyrics of whoever is my favorite creative artists,
Literally

Yeah I know,
When we realize that,
The more we wonder when the next time we’ll get to drink is,
The more it’s best to slow down

(Source, “The Dubliners”, YouTube, “Paddy Berry” (uploaded 4/9/09) https://youtu.be/5CWIIoSf4nw)

Coherent Syllables

Fewer coherent syllables,
May mean,
Less awkward silence,

I didn’t sleep,
My senses are overloading,

Labels,
Are diagnosing,

Medication,
And,
Recreation,
drugs,
I’d guess,
Are imbalancing,
Why can’t people stop murdering!!?
Why can’t clear thinking,
Remain,
Collectively,
Broadening,

?

(Source: Dr. Suess? Zeus?)

I must ask,
How broadly,
Do any of you,
Judge me?
Or is it we?
Why can’t someone come down and,
Epiphany,

If I’m stuck in isolation,
Receive advice constantly,
The isolation,
The fear,
That others won’t hear,

Will deepen,
And I’ll become,
Dumb,
Desperate,
And to afraid,
To trust anyone,
Who I may,
Ever,
Rely on

Know Flow

When we,
Get in to a,
“Spontaneous creative flow”,
Do we know?
What developmental effects our,
“Flow”,
Will have on the individuals of any ages,
Who are trying to nourish themselves,
And grow???

I hope,
enough,
know..

Woahh

Increasing Tolerance of Pain, Steady and Sane

If I was buried,
Infinitely alive,
In an oven casket,

I presently doubt,
I would inwardly detach myself,
From the pain,
Enough to ever find acceptance of it,
I hope it doesn’t stay like that,

The less I know,
How to alleviate pain,
The more,
Pain I feel,
While experiencing,
Whatever is regarded as,
“Pain”,

Even if I came,
From nothing,
And will return to,
Nothing,
I’ll still have hope,
In something,

As Mark Manson talks about,
In a book of his,
Based on one of my interpretations,
Hope,
Keeps us going?

I don’t know??

(Source: Mark Manson, “Everything is F*cked”, (2019), (page 19, or I guess, just read all pages.. there, I gave him credit, so I won’t get accused of plagiarism, if I coincidentally quoted him.. Riiiight??)),

I feel more comfortable,
When I believe people,
Are taking what I say,
Literally,
Yet,
I worry,
That my mannerisms will,
Make others who can’t stand me,
lose control emotionally,
Dangerously,

I guess,
it’s hope that,
keeps me going,
Inevitably,

Yet to paraphrase something else,
Which hope is,
Real,
And,
Which,
hope,
Is,
False?

I worry,
That I’ll become too focused,
Then lose focus,
On safety,

Video “thumbnails”,
And different,
Personalities,
Looks,
Usually what I find confusing,
I fear,
Make assumptions about me,

And I fear,
Losing focus,
On what any other sentient being,
May be planning,

Yet I guess,
In addition to hope,
I hope,
For better and better cause and effect,

I don’t know how to end this,
Stanza sequence,

?

I’d guess,
We can always,
Ask,
Why?

Yet,
Why,
Is it,
That I’m always feeling,
That others,
Can’t focus,
On,
How their focusing,
Feels to be,
Causing ME,
Suffering?

Is it possible,
For EVERYONE to know,
Right from wrong,
And NOT experience pain?

Is being “sensitive”,
Always “bad”?

If we’re COMPLETELY,
Not sensitive,
Then how will we know how to,
Prevent suffering?

So don’t you agree,
That saying,
“DON’T BE SENSITIVE”,
Can be,
Painfully confusing??

Another platitude,
I’d say this comes back to,
Is the importance of,
Moderation??
But when?
I currently,
Can not,
Spot,
Deception,

My,
Ego,
To varying degrees,
Seems to feel a need,
To overcompensate,
To prove to others,
Who don’t believe,
I been through shit,
By reliving,
YET,
filming all of it,

So,
That what,
Causes me pain,
That I do NOT want to relive,
Yet,
Feel a NEED to PROVE,
Seems to be,
My victim mentality,
Feeding into,
A surveillance hierarchy!?

So,
It seems to me,
The more I focus on MYSELF,
The more DISTANT I am,
Regardless of how close they are,

It also seems to me,
The more the thought of being “PERFECT”,
Distracts me,
The more I forget about my rights,
And the rights of others,

So I also,
Really,
Really hope,
That any NEEDED changes for my own,
And EVERYONE’s survival,
Remains,
Physically,
and,
Emotionally,
Peaceful,

I’m not ready,
For more pain,
I want the step by step process,
To be steady,
And sane,

To build pain tolerance,
I want it to be,
Slow,
STEADY,
And,
Sane,

So presently,
I’m not ready,
For your judgment,
Of how much pain you wish to give me