Hey so,
As I like to often include wherever within these gratitude posts,
Which is that aside from all I can add,
Elaborate on,
Change,
Deepen and/or rearrange the gratitude I feel for also getting to know you among so many of the wonderful people (that therefore just may be more than a few) which I may forget about among all the negativity I try to vent and/or understand more deeply about,
..,

When shit has hit the fan on precise impact with powerful force,
Well..,
Thank you for being another awesome healing/cleansing force..,

And well,
Back in like early June 2020,
And although I feel that many (if not all) of what I may post here can work,
And although I feel writing blog post quality is MORE important than the amount of posts I made..,
Still..,
Given how anxious I was feeling to make the first one titled “Clearing and Freeing”..,
I never thought I’d have over 500 posts in under three years..,
And well..,
Even though I strongly believe in freedom of speech and expression,
I’m glad none of those internet trolls and/or cyber bullies happened to drop by yet..,
Ohh how those YouTube comment thread experiences I just happened to not yet forget..,

And as for the time when you helped me create this blog..,
Well..,
Although I could have put at least some effort at customizing it..,
Well..,
What I have to post,
And the types of interpretations I intend to offer,
Such as my deepening belief that all of us humans are in this shit together..,
Well..,
At least to a significant extent..,
I just may have posted (at least somewhat) what I feel to have been deeply important..,

?

Thanks again for being more tech savvy,
For all you ALSO helped me through as my peer specialist,
Including socially connecting me with great other people I’d never knew were there,
..,
Who I also feel to have totally saw and understood where I was coming from,
and knew how to continually inwardly guide me as I stumbled on this inner self/deeper spiritual true self development journey,
..,
Including NOT using against me stuff I may have done and/or said when I was manic, paranoid and delusional-ly without a filter..,

Thank you for preventing me from spirling more deeply,
And thank you for just simply being so,
So much more aware than even others who may have tried to “be there”..,
..,
And well..,
NOT to judge them either,
I certainly haven’t been there for others as I should have..,

Maybe this is full of typos,
And well..,
I can always add more and make clearer what I’m saying here I’m addition from the inner place this just may be coming from..,

?

And..,
(As I had initially wrote here..),
As for however many points of view I was trying to express,
That I feel you just have put into words far better than me..,
Well,
Thank you as well for regarding me what I see as so deeply intelligently,
For supporting my writing even in times when I felt I had nothing worth expressing nor sharing,
..,
And well..,
Sometimes I may sink back into my shell and all of a sudden blast out..,
Thanks for just helping me chill the F out,

And even if I’m extensively forcefully repeating myself,
Well,
I guess I’d just also try to make it clear for you to hear:

That,
And of course even though I may still have long moments when I just have nothing to say..,
Well..,
Thank you as well,
For being another,
I was so blessed to encounter,
And occasionally hear from,
Along the way

While first meeting a 70 year old man at a bar,
After shaking his hand..,
He said..
“That was a weak handshake”,
And after doing it again, he exclaimed something like..,
“Now that’s a handshake!”
And he reassured me that he was NOT trying to tell me how to live my life,
Yet instead he just wanted me to (in my own words) be strong,
Gave me some other stuff to remember,
Among essentially reminding me that life will throw me a lot of bullshit and there comes a point when I just have to address it..,

And based on my understanding of what I remember occurring, well.., here is another lesson I learned that night which I was totally NOT expecting:

(And although I may not precisely remember what occurred.. well.. here’s what I have to say so far..),
So..,
I’m at a local bar,
It’s Saint Patrick’s day and also Friday (or like 1-2am on the next day),
I had too much to drink,
I needed to piss,
The one person (or “single stall”..(?)) men’s restroom seemed occupied,
And although I figured no one would mind if I used the single stall women’s restroom especially since it was clear that no one was in there (and since I haven’t been the only guy to use the women’s room) I’m like “would anyone really care?”..,
And then all of a sudden,
I hear an aggressive knock on the door..,
Then I hear a woman exclaim something like “who the hell is in there!!?”..,
And I might’ve yelled something back like “chill the fuck out!!”
And then as I exit the women’s restroom,
A woman (who I later found out) who happened to be more than twice as old as me, openly and in front of everybody,
(Before entering the restroom..),
Accuses me of “pissing all over the seat”,
Shouts some more scathing remarks that I don’t totally remember..,
I then called her a “bully”..,
She then was like “ohhh please…” and seemed to clearly imply that was “totally unnecessary”..,
And if I remember correctly..(?),
I believe many others were cheering her on..(?),
(Aside from a couple men trying to talk her out of blaming this on me..),
And at some point (in continual response to her aggression) I aggressively asked her if she’s from my hometown where we were all hanging out at,
She told me she’s from a neighboring one..,
(Also seemed to (I guess(?)) clearly imply that didn’t matter..),
And well in response to her shouting at me I shouted back while referring to myself and said (something like) “Go ahead! Bully the autistic kid!”..,
And I think she even exclaimed how my mom would be “disgusted with me” or something like that..(?),
Or maybe openly assumed and made me feel bad for “living with my mom”..(if I correctly remember.. or maybe not I don’t really exactly remember that comment nor implication),
I then replied by saying,
“That has nothing to do with humiliating me in front of everybody!!”
..,
Or maybe I said..(?), “YES I LIVE WITH MY MOM!” to implicitly imply that her opinion on that matter to me just did not matter..(?),
(Yet as for what was said about me having a mom.. well.. I just can’t precisely remember..(?)),
(Yet this is kind of how it essentially went..),

And as she kept shouting..,
My friend among other men (at least one who was also trying to calm her down), including the bartender, got me to back down..,
And well..,
To try to calm stuff down I told the bartender (who I know) that her next drink is “on me” essentially..,
And well..,
I’d say it was quite noticeable that I was offended quite deeply..,

So then,
When she eventually came to talk with my close friend,
(Who then began to kindly mediate),
She then instructed me to “look her in the eyes” while tears were streaming down my face..,
(And although I can NOT speak for her, if I remember correctly..(?)),
She shared with me that she’s 64,
That she even remembers the sixties..,
Seen and been through a lot of shit,
(Of course I’ll try not to mention specific personal stuff..),
I believe she shared with me that she..,
Certainly seen oppression of women,
Is a feminist,
Will always stand for women,

And among certain stuff I also tried to share with her,
I tried to make it clear to her,
That yes,
Her anger and being triggered by my behavior was TOTALLY valid,
And that in my own ways I feel that (although possibly very different) I also been through a considerable level of shit..,
(She even, I guess in a motherly way (if that’s fair to say(?)), reminded me that well.., due to how stuff is, that I (also) have a rough future ahead of me..),
I even told her how my mom is also a “feminist”..,
Among other ways me and the woman I was reconciling with just may have thought alike..(?),
And well..,
I guess quite possibly,
She just may have been to or at least heard of,
The “Fellowship of Reconciliation”,
The “Clearwater Festival”..,
(Welp (of course) I can’t speak for her.., yet I’ll just include what I have underneath here..),
I even told her I voted for Bernie Sanders and also have been inspired by Alan Watts.. (maybe could have mentioned Elizabeth Warren and that I happened to read at least two books by Pema Chodron..(?)),
But after experiencing all that,
I was just like..,
What!!?

And although I can NOT speak for her..,
Yet..,
Well..,
Although I’m 27 and she’s 64..,
To me it seemed that we both have been through a lot and got deeply triggered by our behavior..,
And well..,
Apparently I later found out (from another man who helped mediate it) that many other men were apparently inconsiderately using the women’s single stall bathroom..,
And I was told the men’s door was actually “wide open” with the light off..(?),
(Or maybe it just happened to become closed right before I used it..(?).., well anyway..),
And yes..,
Deep misunderstandings may just understandably happen..(?),
..,
And although I can’t speak for her..,
I just wanted to also throw it out there that..,
What I did (although minor(?)) may also have reminded her of women getting stepped on by men way harder without standing up for themselves..(?),
And when she confronted me,
It brought up within me,
Other times I felt to be publically humiliated and bullied..,
And so many times when I felt I just should have vocally stood up for myself yet did not..,

Although,
I feel we both had valid points of view,
Which misunderstandably clashed at the wrong time..,
And well I feel I am STILL accountable regardless of what I do and have (in my own way) been through,
Well,
I’d say again that YES our initial misunderstandings of each other were totally understandable..,
And yes, I’d say that..,
We both had our own histories and got triggered by each other,

And for one (as she politely made clear to me on another night) I could (more easily) have found a place to piss outside in a way more concealed due to obvious gender differences..,
And yeah..,
Seeing her the other night as well,
Just went so well..,
And yep..,
We seemed to make it clear in various ways that the misunderstandings were very understandable..,

And yes,
(After the intense incident..),
I felt a need to respect her as an elder,
And take open responsibility for clearly acknowledging my behavior..,
And I do feel (while first talking during the night immediately after it happened) it was very nice of her to take back calling my actions “narcissistic”..,
And even though I have viewed myself as an obsessive insecure struggling narcissist..,
She DID reassure me that UNLIKE a narcissist..,
I was able to admit what I did was wrong,
And that I later on understood after she compassionately explained her points of view to me,

And to throw it out there,
She did remind me to take a deep inhale and exhale..,
Might also have suggested meditating which I’m sure is something us both could be more clearly continuing..(?),
Maybe she’s been doing more..(?),
I don’t know..(?),

I also told her that..,
Well..,
I just felt a need to go back to meditating including listening to teachers such as Eckhart Tolle among any deep lessons I feel he has to offer me..,
Guess the alcohol and the misunderstanding triggered an eruption of both our inner “pain-bodies”,
(Source: Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth. 10th Anniversary th ed., Penguin Books, 2005, 2016, p. 149. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),

Well..,
I am glad for her giving me a friendly hug at the end,
And that she did NOT become an enemy..,
Yet..,
INSTEAD I’d say it ended in a way of understanding each other more deeply and compassionately,
And I want to thank my friend for mediating,
(The same friend who I wrote a gratitude post for that I uploaded to this blog on July 17th, 2022 titled “Being There”),
And well..,
I am so glad that what I felt was INITIALLY a totally upsetting,
Vibe killing public verbal altercation,
Turned out to become..,
A deeper place of understanding and sincere compassion..,
Which..,
Speaking for myself as always in this case..,
Is the way I prefer those types of upsetting instances become..,

And well,
(Although it may have been initially handled differently..(?)),
STILL..,
As she tried to make clear to me,
Well,
I believe I see,
There were certainly lessons she needed to teach me..,
(Such as being more aware),
And well sometimes I just may need a deeper reminder as for whatever pertaining to my social behavior..,

Yes..,
Seeing a fully physically grown male go into any type of women’s restroom (even though I then thought the men’s was occupied.. and even though everyone seemed very relaxed..),
Well..,
I guess..(?),
Within any place meant for socializing while comprised of several women among men..,
That type of incident STILL may just have needed to be safely addressed..?
And luckily..,
After (what I felt to be) a very stressful, upsetting, unexpected and surprising incident,
The good vibes eventually came back alive,
Not only between me and her,
Yet,
Throughout the whole bar..,

Based on what it clearly appeared to me..,
It luckily became clear to her,
That I was just being under the influence and oblivious and therefore NOT waiting in there as some kind of sexual predator..,
(Or maybe it was simply annoying that so many men before me were using the women’s single stall bathroom..(?)),
Yet regardless,
I’d say it was fortunate that we put a peaceful end to the rough social experience..,

And well,
As for one other point of view (I guess..(?)),
Right after it occurred,
And while telling my friend that essentially,
Even though I’ll try to let it go,
I’ll just remember it for a long time..,
Well..,
At some point,
I also just,
Happened to write this,
Titled: “Needed to Learn”

Here it is after being slightly revised afterwards:

“I try and may have TOTALLY failed to respect women..(?),
Maybe I’m a hopeless “narcissist”..(?),
Yep..,
It’s valid..,

Maybe I..,
Openly played the victim card to another person who’s seen straight up oppression..,
Someone who’s more than twice my age..,
Knows how to spot narcissism more than me..,
May have spotted it within me FAR clearer than I could see..(?),

Well..,

Aside from all the negativity that may remain within me..,
I’ll say it was a lesson I needed to learn..,

And thanks to a friend I wrote about in a post that I don’t have the WiFi connection to remind me of..,

Well..,
Shit..,
I also want to thank him for mediating and for her subsequently directly sincerely understanding,

And,

Happy belated Saint Patrick’s day”,

The end..,

And well I also heard (from the other man (in addition to my close friend) who ALSO mediated it between me and her) that the 70 year old man (while using the women’s single stall restroom) who told me how to do a proper handshake allegedly “pissed all over the place”,
And well..,
I’m glad that as for last night,
And this morning,
I inwardly felt and still feel to be in a better place,

And sometimes (in this case, due to a misunderstanding) I just may be the “straw that breaks the back”,
Welp..,
Good the better spirit came back,

We both apologized,

And well..,
Guess there’s infinitely more to learn from any misunderstood contexts,
That..,
Just seemed to be a lesson we all may have re-discovered,

?

Although today (which I feel in my own way I understand) is a day for all the drunkards to keep killing their liver and brain cells in order to block out (emotional (for example)) pain that just may be unbearable otherwise,
And although what I have initially wrote underneath here may not exactly pertain to just alcohol (if at all..),
Welp..,
Here’s another post:

Must I keep it “real” around those who keep emotionally hurting me..(?),
Or..,
Must I NOT emotionally control myself in front of those who are LESS intimidating,
LESS deserving (of seeing me express anger),
WAY kinder and just overall have done just so much more!?

I guess I know myself infinitely more than could ever be “concluded” on paper..(?),
And well,
Of course I as well feel I also always may have something more to learn about myself..(?),
Maybe I just may NOT sufficiently realize when I come off as “morally superior”,

Well..,

Yet EVEN when coming off a micro (as needed) does of medication,
Aside from possible sleep deprivation,
Well..,
Do I feel more edgy (than before taking the medication) because (in addition to various other causes of emotional dysregulation..),
Could it be..,
Revisiting my past for writing increasing the arisal of hard memories of past experiences that I feel were hard to handle..(?),
Which might have caused sleep deprivation and increased emotional dysregulation..(?),
(NOT that writing (even about VERY difficult memories) “always” throws me off and/or keeps me up at night.. and yes (I feel that) if I properly meditate (for example) and find and sustain the inner peace to better anticipate (or prepare for(?)) arising difficult emotions.. then, I feel I will LESS likely become “thrown off” and then lose sleep over it..),
..,
And just to throw it out there,
Could I also be becoming more lost in a vicious cycle..(?),
Such as first,
Losing sleep,
Then,
Relying on medication to control my even more increased dysregulated emotion..(?),
And THEN making my emotions HARDER THAN EVER to control when I come off the medication(s),
AND THEN having a fixation for the medication(s) just so much damn more than wherever before..,
Therefore skyrocketing my dependency..(?),

Huhhh..,
(Not to get to political, just as a hypothetical..(?)),
I just REALLY hope that does NOT become a deeply solidified reality for me..(or whatever is a more precise way words may better describe or point to it..(?))..,
And (of course) I just may be building up a tolerance and/or dependence..(!?),
While drug companies profit from those like me..(?),
Just curious..(?),
..,
Could it be..,
Or could a hypothetical just be..,
I guess..(?),
Frustration about needing and/or (however directly or indirectly) feeling forced any medication (that overall is NOT what I feel is best for me regardless of whatever a (possibly) multi-million (if not billion(?)) dollar deeply intricate cooperative authority could force me to take if I’m perceived as a “threat to myself and society”(?)),
..,
And may that authority disregard other (for example) inner body healing practices which may be just as (if not more) viable,
Yet may NOT be seen to be as profitable..(?),
Therefore LESS taken into deep consideration..,
Even (for example) getting lost in thought about that (I feel) just may increase the likelihood of being suggested to take something for DEPRESSION..(?),

And,
Once again..,
Just thought I’d throw out what I see as a hypothetical..,
I’m really NOT trying to get “political”..,
NOR judgmental if anyone (reading this) is happy with their psychiatric medication..,
Yet since I’ve often received certain UNasked for recommendations,
Well..,
I hope (if ever the scenario) THAT there’s ENOUGH time to deeply consider a “treatment” that for me as an individual is truly most suitable for (so I am NOT forced and/or being manipulated into believing I need something (which others doing the (unintentional (although profitable) manipulating) may also feel that for me may be what I “need” although in reality it just may be straight up toxic honestly..(?)),
And I do NOT express this to get philosophical,
I feel,
It’s for my own safety and human rights..,
..,
And as for all the unsolicited advice I may have and continue to receive (and I’ll try not to get sidetracked with controversial real life examples.. NOT here to talk about NOR provide research in support of NOR opposed to possible longer term effects of THC nor some medication used to treat OCD..(?)),
And well..,
Just to throw it out there..,
I also have found..,
What I see..,
Just..,
Does NOT align myself with what I presently see my truth to be..,

Why don’t more just LISTEN instead of making me feel MORE emotionally isolated,
In my head,
Misunderstood..,
Insecure and obsessive..,
..,
If others could just LISTEN..,
I feel..,
That may just possibly,
Be so much more helpful than what medication may have to offer me..,
Yet..,
I just must accept that others will just continue to lecture me..,

Huhhhhhh..,

While coming off (whatever I’ve been on personally)..,
Could I ALSO be blaming myself for spiraling out of control..(?),
And not accessing the inner clearness to make better conscious,
More healthy decisions..(?),
..,
Maybe my “inner critic” is just adding criticism while properly teaching me NOTHING about internal cleansing..(?),
Therefore just exacerbating the negativity I just may be inwardly carrying..(?),
And therefore increasing the chances of me losing even more control..,
And being forced treatment,
Which just may NOT get to YET may also make me sink deeper and deeper into..,
I guess..(?),
Zombified apathetic delusion..(?),

I guess there’s true fulfilling peaceful consciously deepened and expanded equanimity..(?),
And another type which (I feel) just may be more common unfortunately,
Even in the year 2023!?,
Might just be..,
Overly shut down and overly controlled..,
Apathy..(?),
And possibly ignorance of how much better life could be internally and wherever externally..(?),
And maybe the controlling authority is ignorant to the same unconscious degree..(?),

So is ignorance really “bliss”..,
Huhhh..,
I just do NOT know..(?),
Maybe “all one knows” makes them “happy”..,
Or maybe if someone discovered more..,
Maybe they just may appreciate..,
So.. so much more(?),
Far beyond what they may have ever imagined before..(?),

Guess the journey always continues on..,
?

Happy friday,
Happy Saint Patrick’s Day ☘️

As for wherever I may venture,
Because of whatever,
Well,
I feel that zero single experiences (by themselves) will fully “transform” me.., To the point of “never having to work on myself again”.., Because I feel I always just have to inwardly “check in” with the inner deeper foundation of how I function,

I feel I always have to remind myself gently,
Clearly,
In reasonable particular detail,

I can NOT focus as easily with someone yelling at me in a way that’s scathing, (critically sadistic and therefore dehumanizing..),
I’ll get startled by their dysregulated emotional energy and therefore will not be able to make as clear of cognitive connections NOR see the deeper big picture nearly as clearly..,

I just must sustain what I remember,
Sure,
Maybe certain experiences could be a great deep reminder,
And provide tools,
Practices and/or whatever techniques that I can take with me,

And ALTHOUGH I presently feel that whatever I say (and/or anyone says),
Can be mocked quite intelligently,
Yet,
And even though I may need to heavily revise this post(?),

I hope this made at least some needed clear sense

???

Who really does not want to be a saint(?), why criticize those with insecure out of control egos, and my ego must neither criticize those for criticizing, and maybe my ego misunderstands what others were actually intending.., well, I do NOT know.., and yes my ego also wants to be a “saint”.., and as for all that bad obsessive insecure energy, well, I can pretend to be an underwater boulder that sits there as the strong emotional current passes I guess..(?), I don’t know, saying “I’m human” may be excusable to a point.., uhh, what really is “the point” ?

If I am hard on myself for perceiving myself a certain way,
I may feel a need to be hard on others if I also perceive them the same way,
and as for whatever “way” I may choose to follow, well,
if I do NOT develop an ability to respond clearly, peacefully, understanding and lovingly to (any level of imperfections and/or flaws I may see within myself),
well then I will NOT know how to be peaceful, understanding and loving to others with the same “flaws” since I have NOT developed the ability,
NOR carry the clear, peaceful,
understanding and loving spirit within me,
And of course, why feed and get lost in negativity (aside from being unconscious..(?))..,
Why let excessive negative energy weigh within me..(?),
Why allow stressful negativity deplete my strong energy and therefore limit me..(?),
Well,
sometimes I just get unconsciously sucked back in and then caught up within that type of current,
yet,
I can still remember to see it for what it is,
and that I can always step (or swim to the side in this case(?)),
Out of it

As for my gratitude pieces,
Although I may not have got to all of you (even if able to),
Although I may NOT have made all NOR most of the ones I made public that I’ve wrote so far,
NOR gotten consent from everyone as for those whose I made public..,
Nor wrote all I could have NOR as clearly and deeply as I may otherwise have wrote,
Etc, etc, etc..,
Well,
If I have not expressed thanks to you the way I could have,
If at all,

Well,
If you are one,
I just hope you know I am grateful for all that you all have done,

And well,
As for whatever I may write about others,
For example,
Some may get a gratitude letter (or whatever the genre),
Others may get a scathing letter (or whatever the genre),
Others may get BOTH,
And others may receive NEITHER..,

Yet,
Regardless of whatever you may have received or not,
Including any of you I may NOT presently like such as what I tried to convey in my post “To those I Hate”,
Well..,
I feel,
There is still a part of me,
That tries to deeply compassionately acknowledge your beingness..,
And as for those of you I presently just do NOT like,
I surely can work to inwardly develop this..,

And for those who I feel a need to deeply thank and may have not,
Or who I may feel a need to thank more and/or change, deepen and more clearly rearrange how I expressed what I have learned among various forms of deep appreciation I feel to have received..,

Well,
I want to deeply,
Say,

Thank you,
To you all

In the moment I may have been so caught up in it that I just did NOT have time to realize it,
And when it’s no longer occurring,
I guess..(?),
Is more likely when I have more room to take a clearer look at it..(?),

When in one state of awareness (or unawareness),
I’ll regret what I did or said in the recent previous state of awareness (or unawareness),
..,
And when I’m in that other state of awareness (or unawareness),
I’ll regret whatever I said, did, wrote, etc.. while in that other state of awareness..,

And when sober,
I can spot drunkenness,
..,
And when I have been “under the influence”,
Yes,
I can spot what I assume is soberness such as edginess and/or anxiousness..(?),
And of course when it comes down to it..,
Well..,
I can never totally know why one is coming across the way they are..,

??

I just do and say certain stuff in one state of consciousness,
And have regret,
When it’s over,
..,
When sober it IS:
It’s “why did I damage my liver!?”
“Why did I kill my brain cells!?”

When drunk it IS:
“Why did I feed all that obsessive compulsive behavior!!?”
“Why didn’t I try to feel more clearly and deeply and take life LESS seriously!!?”

Seriously,
When it’s over,
The regret comes to me

Although this is might be my beer muscles getting cocky,
Well..,
I still hope that the sliiighhhht truth,
In what I’m trying to say,
Is seen,
More than the hate and anger that this may be drunkenly disguised by..,

So here:

I will still considerately give a sincere answer,
To an unconscious ego,
Who wants to entertain itself (and/or others) with a funny question..,

Wow..,
Aren’t me and my learning and social challenges an EASY target..,

So here:

Aside from all I had thrown at me with my learning disabilities..,
Aside from all that remains within me that still IMPINGES me..,
All those who NEVER felt a need to say “I’m sorry”..,

Well..,

If I interpret (even if wrong) anyone bullying me on my home turf,
The immense obsessive insecure egotistic energy, May switch from juggling video goals and OCD,
To egotistic “justice”..,

All that energy I waste compulsive pointlessly..,
May SWITCH..,
AFTER,
Everything I been through,
When my ego ASSUMES someone,
Still feels,
They can mistreat me the WAY as I got back in the DAY,
On my home turf,

Maybe I preach about pacifism,
Maybe I’m being far out of alignment with what I try to preach to myself among whoever else,

Yet,
Speaking for that egoic damaged dark side..,
Let it be known,
That I,
AM,
NOT,
A..,
PUSHOVER

ANYMORE

When I be myself, when what I see internally attempts to manifest externally, others may judge severely, I may shut down deep in OCD.., well, I guess it just happens for a reason that can be analyzed infinitely

??