Speaking to My Fearful Manic Imagination

The stronger we direct our attention to one particular point, aspect, etc, The less self-control we have due to our narrowed vision, That’s why seeing the BIG PICTURE, Seems crucial for developing empathy and finding the “bad guy” without torture.. and since torturing an innocent person may make them say they’re “guilty” since they never want to go through torture.. But if the torturer lacks empathy so, so much.. with that narrowed attention, the torturer may remember (his/her/their) own emotion, But.. since there’s no logical empathy present due to narrowed attention dominating their attention, They’ll lack emotion for only themselves and no one else, or I guess whoever the “bad” guy is..

However if, whoever it is does not understand this particular big picture, We must protect ourselves from their possible danger..

So much fear.. Too much fear.. Huh.. Just pass, Please pass, So I can get some rest, It doesn’t have to be the best.. And may there be some jest, With needed precision on any needed test, Yes.. Yes,

I’m innocent and trying to give forth, Huh.. I greatly fear misjudgment, I need to better memorize the amendments, I really need to do that,

Yes, Yes ..

If people film their insights and try to make money off it that seems far less than alright but don’t get too tight and/or navigate in fright because pleasure buys gilt?

Is it choice a.) b.) or c.)

Speaking to myself, what we choose to focus our attention on affects us and others later on .. I mean come on..

And speaking to myself, TAKE A JOKE!!

Uhhh.. I’m speaking to myself, for myself, for my betterment to try to help others.. This I guess is one step in doing that ?

Slightly Less Pain with More Gain?

I don’t totally feel I know what genre of writing may most accurately describe this, but I feel that:

If pain is “required” for good writing then I prefer to have nothing good to write about, If pain is required for good expression, then I wish to have nothing good to express, Regardless of the “rewards”, pain I don’t want to continue to, or ever have “had to” experience, I don’t believe that pain is “required” anyway,

I don’t believe there’s one “required” way to open, attain wisdom or inwardly discover,

I know I wrote about this thought before, However, I wanted to make it clear for myself to remember, That in my belief, anyone can learn and open without pain forcing them to..

Because pain being a “requirement”, according to me, is wrong, is negative.. since the word PAIN, to me, is not positive, but means “PAIN”, as straight to the point, or as straight to the meaning of the word as can be.. since the definition (or one clear definition) is in the one syllable word itself based on how I see,

I think I can still learn and have learned from pain, Pain has forced me to try to change, Such as how I inwardly respond to what I cannot change, And such as how I respond to what I cannot obtain, Primarily so I don’t give myself more pain,

One example of what I cannot change might be some truth to my label..? A comforting belief I have is that “autism” is not the “true me”.. But aside from rambling about my present beliefs regarding spirituality, However much truth about me the label may entail,

All that matters is working with what I have.. 

Such as trying my best WHILE expecting less and less to make more and more room for acceptance, Yes I also previously wrote about this.. Yet once again, I’m struggling the same way I often have been,

If the present is most important, Then however I’m labeled.. does not matter.. Even if my label says one monumental struggle I have is “paying attention to the present”, Since I am still doing all I can at reducing suffering in my present,

I don’t mean to preach it’s just how I’m currently interpreting it,

.. 

Since paying attention for me is regarded as “more challenging”, And since my greater tendency to emotional “sensitivity” or “fragility” such as anxiety interferes with my already challenged paying attention ability, Therefore adding to my propensity to pay attention additionally LESS clearly, And since knowing I have been labeled with all these obstacles adds an even larger obstacle (or obstacles) in total, sucks my already damaged confidence into an even deeper and darker whirlpool,

In other words (I guess), I came into this physical form with innate vulnerability, Then had bad experiences, Then labels, Then more bad experiences (which my sensitivity level considers bad experiences), And when that happens, (logically speaking according to me), the lack of confidence snowballs.. And I then get scared and paranoid, I lose sleep, then will more likely take medication, then worry about needing medication because of side-effects, then I lose more and more sleep..

And I guess it is shown in my writing such as with all my anxious analyzing, disclaiming, parentheses, and how I keep saying I GUESS!!?

Does this seem accurate? To me.. YES!!!!

The paying attention REQUIRED for experiencing what’s considered a life “worth living”, Makes me feel like, Most who have LESS paying attention struggles than me, Which is seemingly (according to me) most of the world’s population that I’ve encountered, Seems to have greater capability at living more fulfillingly, Unless my capability to speed up my paying attention ability (in this case) is faster than a typical capability to speed up, I may have hope of arriving at the same place at the same speed of those on a “typical” track, And I would prefer being “typical” for basic reasons such as feeling less isolated.. obviously unless I’m atypically GIFTED,

Instead of “slow”.. Because if I’m slow I’ll be more gullible and easily manipulated by powerful unintentionally impulsive hypocrites, And I don’t mean to dismiss those who are mentally or atypically challenged or “disabled” but I guess I just wish experiencing what I presently wish to experience felt easier..

So even if I’m somehow less “capable”, maybe there’s still some way, my life can be reasonably joyful? We most probably have so much undiscovered capability that we’re capable of discovering for facilitating and advancing this present conscious manifestation in which we’re inhabiting, also known to me as “life”..

If everything is impermanent then so is happiness, So I guess it’s a waste to just focus my attention on a “better” impermanent future.. Of course I’ll still try to make feeling better last longer and longer, Yes.. I would definitely prefer it last FOREVER!! If I need to know pain in order to understand pleasure that does NOT mean I need to EXPERIENCE pain or torture (according to me..), At least I wish to know that pain isn’t a requirement since the socially awkward (like my present self) may be victims of wrong judgment, And once again..

Because of the word itself, A reason of mine for not wanting it, Is evident..

Welp, Maybe I’m wrong about everything..?I still wish, That there may be some truth that might be helpful in my writing even though it may not contain as fancy stories and as unpredictable rhyming and puns.. And since I may not be as straight to the point to be honest, And may there always be more to learn so existence stays fascinating and so there’s no painful pressure to “securely” know or understand everything.. Even though I’m not perfect with words, I hope what I expressed here is clear enough, And for those who will always believe pain is good and “necessary”, I feel that I have had MORE THAN ENOUGH but life and assumptions and judgment and decisions, causes and explanations will go on..

And I’ll end with my belief that, Aside from wisdom we may possibly attain from pain, I think that we can also open and discover infinitely clearer, With no pain required.. or at least reasonably less..

However, Pertaining to afflicting excessive or great pain, I believe we can and must way better refrain, Since in order to become more advanced, I think it may help if we simultaneously become more empathic or humane, And as for me, I believe, I think my beingness comprises way more, My beingness describes way more, Then a mere autistic “spectrum”.. And once again.. I do NOT believe pain is the ONLY way to exist in our present best way, Developing ourselves with less pain, Is a practice we can gradually facilitate, improve upon and sustain, If pain and gain were to mutually depend on each other, or.. If pain and gain were to inevitably invariably positively correlate, Then the more I try to gain out of life, The more pain for (especially) myself I’ll create, And the more of life I’ll therefore, Hate, It’s not just gain without pain, and not just pain required for gain.. but I just also believe that, we can also open, discover, become and find whatever ways of improving and existing clearer with higher ability and capability, without pain as a necessity,

As for me lastly, I hope for gain, With less pain, More gain, With, Less pain

And not to sound arrogant, But sometimes I can’t stand that, If I didn’t have so much inner demons holding me back, I’d be so much farther along a meaningful track..

If I didn’t have all these inner obstacles inhibiting me, That’ll make room for my attention, To fly off in a far more productive direction and consistently remain clear and focused on what will help me far more than me pointlessly working selfishly obsessively compulsively to try and eradicate insecurity all due to MY excessive perfectionist expectation,

So in that sense, If I were to have less inner painful obstacles, I would have more openness and room for sustaining awareness, To gain far more, Out of this present physical experience, As for less thought confusion and disorganization pain, I wish and believe that, There’s always a shorter and clearer way to try to explain whatever I try to express or explain, such as less and clearer terms, less and clearer syllables, for more infinitely understanding to be easier and quicker attained with infinitely continual and infinitely consistently less and less pain with more and more gain..

Although it may never be “all or nothing”, I still wish for less pain with more gain.. Since bad decision may be easier in the short run but lead to greater pain in the long run, I want it to be easier to be more consistent at good decision making in order for attaining and sustaining less suffering, I want to attain more with less pain, I want to obtain and maintain more with less pain, I want less pain, more gain..

I can start small, With less resistance and more acceptance of the mundane, With more consistent inward inner physical-emotional checking in and detaching, So thoughts settle and reduce while becoming everlastingly shorter, clearer and of more importance,

I want less pain, More to attain, maintain, And gain for my safety especially.. Everyone’s ideally..

If I had a lot of typos in this, it’s because of me not disciplining myself to go to sleep, Sorry if I tried and failed tonight, But I’ll keep going

A Big Picture

A big reason why many others can’t stand me is because I’ll unintentionally remind them of the part of themself that they presently can’t tolerate being reminded of, Such as their insatiably insecure, anxious obsessive compulsive, disembodied depressed states of unconscious beingness,

Because I have a greater amount of this, and therefore struggle more to control this, in response, Their unconscious defense mechanism may consist of verbal abuse, Such as afflicting destructive hurtful criticism at me, Such as online (sometimes in person) physical threats towards me, Then, Immediately after I confront them, About the truth of their other wrongdoings towards me since they’re too insecure to admit it, They’ll always somehow “justify” it such as saying or directly implying that it was “my fault” for being “annoying”, Instead of acknowledging it is not my fault, Instead of offering me a step by step path to improve my interpersonal awareness, Because they’re also unaware but just have been privileged to have more confidence in themselves, Since they did not have a label regarded as less than “typical”, Since they did not respond to adversity as sensitively, Since letting go of bullshit came with far less difficulty, Not because they disciplined themselves down an awareness healing path, But since it just came easier.. Since they were not innately as vulnerable to developing the same level of vulnerability..

So I’ll unintentionally remind them of the parts they don’t like about themselves, Because I was born with more vulnerability to developing and suffering in those places.. And therefore they can’t stand it, and I ESPECIALLY can’t stand it, but lucky for them they were less vulnerable and therefore developed and carry less of it such as insecure obsessive bullshit,

And they therefore have an easier time sustaining paying attention in a productive direction such as looking for a good work environment with needed benefits, While my low confident feelings and harder to control mind obsessively gets distracted away into obsessive holes making it so much harder to find work, To find a good group of people who will enjoy my company the same as I enjoy theirs when they’re not being unconscious judgmental dickheads just to feel better about their ego selves by running away from an insecure feeling my anxious obsessive social energy is unintentionally largely resurfacing in them,

In a nutshell, If I successfully clear most of my inner hell, I would obtain and maintain a self-sustaining life quite well,

Why I’m not, Is not because of “laziness”, But my many years of unintentionally cultivated damaged confidence and insecurity permeating my already challenged paying attention ability making me more susceptible to my ego wanting to obsessively compensate through excessive perfectionist goals that my ego must “get out of the way” so everything is “properly in place” before I focus all my attention on getting enough work and skills to adequately maintain financial self-sustaining adult living..

And my mind will unconsciously gravitate towards these wasteful obsessive goals since it unconsciously does not have the confidence to survive facing it’s fears due to innate vulnerability, creating low confidence, and whatever other reasons I’ve mentioned already, and whatever other reasons there are that perpetuate this painful tendency,

If I didn’t have these inner obstacles, If I didn’t develop these egocentric counterproductive expectations, If I didn’t so easily get sucked into these obsessive compulsive whirlpools, Finding full-time work would be so much LESS work, Finding work and keeping the job could be EASY!! Yes!!

If all my unintentionally unconscious cultivated inner distractions just evaporated, Clearing my awareness to pursue helping myself and helping solve real issues that MATTER, I would be functioning extremely better,

As I would guess.. Unlike most others privileged to not be as vulnerable to labels, irrational low-confidence, mistreatment, anxiety and OCD, For me, This is an example of how I was less-privileged clearly,

No.. I don’t mean to sound overly-entitled, But the more I learn the causes of my struggles, I believe, The more I can help prevent them from recurring in myself, as well as helping prevent them from developing in others, Such as by helping with and developing my ability at writing or listening,

And since I guess I’m becoming more aware of my struggles, I guess I have clearer vision on how to better heal, or mitigate, What I’m dealing with that I hate, But clear vision can blur if I’m not careful, And regarding maintaining important paying attention, Unfortunately I still struggle,

Of course as my awareness changes, such as whether it progresses or regresses.. my writing shows it, At least as for feeling clearer to be with the inevitable easier, Well.. I don’t know if it’s becoming easier,

However, I appreciate that, Unlike my “autism” label says about me, Right now in this moment, In my own good, important way, Pertaining to what I have and continue to experience, I’m presently, clearly seeing, the “big picture”

Convenience

A judgment I have about why people afflict judgment is because it’s convenient, It’s easier to say he’s not getting a full-time job because he’s “lazy”..

Instead of saying, He’s been predisposed to anxiety, and was labeled, which lowered his confidence, which was made even lower by individuals using his social, emotional and learning vulnerabilities against him, such as their non-learning challenged witty sarcasm and various verbal abuse towards him.. Which has instilled lower confidence, higher anxiety, and instead of facing his fears of finding a job in a survival of the fittest society, his mind unconsciously fixates on obsessive compulsive behavior, to feel more secure.. but his obsessive voice always wants more.. and instead of being productive, he gets trapped in the obsessive behavior, out of the fear that if he does not comply with the obsessive voice that it will “always” be there, which makes him feel that his life will always be miserable.. So he doesn’t look for work, until he thinks his way out of obsessive compulsive “disorder”, which always appears to but never has totally worked..

And due to social isolation, Zero guidance on emotional awareness practice, he winds up on the prevalently emphasized quick-fix prescribed and non-prescribed medication, He reinforces blocking out his problems, which give him other problems..

Then because of all his unsolved problems, unmet needs and mistreatment, He unconsciously hits an emotional breaking point, Causing others to say, “He’s a bad guy who needs more punishment”, All because, for them, it’s convenient..

….

Regarding empathy, it’s easier or more convenient, To say “he was born without it”, Instead of, “Due to brutal mistreatment, social rejection and without enough offering from others empathetic connection, he gravitated towards isolation, blocked out sadness of rejection to feel better.. and blocked out yearning for connection with others, therefore he didn’t have enough support and opportunity to DEVELOP empathy”, Again.. It’s comfortably convenient to believe.. “It’s just his biology”..

….

Regarding emotions, it’s more convenient to say, “he was born without them”, instead of, “the emotional pain he’s experienced due to his predisposed emotion reaction tendency to environmental external trauma and adversity eventually reinforced an unconscious tendency to block out and suppress his feelings, since it was all he knew, and he didn’t have enough support to respond to the emotion in other ways..”

…. 

As for myself.. I’ve been conditioned due to passing down dominant unconscious cultural perceptions too, like convenience.. But I just hope we remember, Is there more to what we believe as true? That can help us get through and appreciate more of life? Or help us resist less inevitable experiences we hate? How can we prepare for the worst and discover as much as we can? Yes the answers may be obvious, But what’s causing our decisions to not do this?

Would it help if we seek more towards existence instead of just external convenience ? It may not be convenient to do that, It may not seem rewarding, But the more we consider, the more that we become open to discover.. I guess..?

But to say it’s a waste is more convenient.. 

I believe that (as implied).. Rational viewpoints cannot be responded to rationally by irrational states of awareness.. Even if the person with irrational behavior understands us, Their irrationality is an out of control impulse, To run away from whatever it is they’re desperately resisting to experience.. So to feel more secure, they might “name call” us to feel emotional power over us? So if they’re mean to us, (and assuming it’s convenient and safe for us).. May we STILL resist the convenience of responding with their same type of egoic power trip meanness.. but even if we’re aware of this.. and are in emotional pain.. we’ll be more susceptible to getting sucked into this.. because of the convenience..

We may cling to polarized stereotypes such as liberals are too “emotional and unstable” while conservatives are too “violent and judgmental” while moderates choose not to get involved because they’re too “cowardly, selfish and evil”.. and while progressives are too “arrogant and hypocritical” for example.. We’ll try to prove each other wrong, not to be right, but not to give the opportunity to the other to use our incorrectness against us.. to avoid more insecure ego pain.. since our egos have unconsciously permeated our awareness.. So essentially.. All this egoic tripping.. seems to me as divisive toxic unconscious convenience..

And WOW!! All this insecurity that has unconsciously built up in me that my ego wants to compensate for makes me so tempted to excessively focus on me instead of giving forth to sentient reality.. I’m really struggling to resist less and accept that this discomfort is presently inevitably with me..

Based on my awareness level I’m trying so freakin’ hard to NOT be excessively, pointlessly analytical, Instead of just taking and being present with what comes!! Shit!! What a pointless struggle!!

Sorry if I’m repeating myself again.. but to me, my inherited vulnerability to excessive bullshit from others, Is largely because of my mom during her pregnancy with me, not getting a needed treatment such as an IV to prevent SEVERE morning sickness dehydration since it was “too much money” for the insurance company so they CONVENIENTLY prescribed a cheaper medication called Phenergan.. which (regardless of intention).. helped the lucrative drug company, saved the insurance providers money, but negatively affected my environmental response tendencies to bad experiences such as bullying.. Which.. shaped my development and decision making such as refraining from socializing but instead caused me to chose to spend my whole time in high school, by myself, in my room, “doing my own thing”, such as filming YouTube videos for hours to get a juggling trick on video to validate my damaged ego, which I believed was the deepest essence to existence as it’s been passed down to me, as the (unconscious in my opinion..) belief formed and solidified throughout millions of years of history.. so I desperately, and therefore conveniently.. wanted to feel better about my ego.. since (regardless of deep existential truth.. whatever that is..?) I didn’t feel I had enough support from the culture I was exposed to.. to be selfless.. because it’s inconvenient, and I guess takes commitment..

so.. as I always (or often try..), I don’t mean to make anyone feel guilty or pass judgment.. even if (as for other writing), I appear to villainize a character based on an experience of an actual anonymous person who has hurt or continuously harmed me..

It’s just (or mostly..) my expression of how I felt, based on examples I remember in my history.. And if I can’t remember all or a lot of specific examples, as of now, I remember my experiences with people has been hard.. just to observe.. 

Oh yes.. some may CONVENIENTLY say, “his problems are ONLY because of his privilege”, therefore unintentionally implying not having privilege but having other (or worse) struggles or pain, in exchange, is all I can do to not struggle how I am, and build character to become a “man”.. which to me is closed-minded and negative.. In my opinion, although pain may force us to open, to get through and past whatever we’re struggling with.. we can STILL open inwardly through support and practice, without MERELY needing some form of immense painful experience,

But I assume, whoever may have conveniently put it in those words, “no pain, no gain”, means (even if unaware), more goodness than that kind of simplistic convenient judgment.. 

All I can try to do.. I guess.. is resist less.. inevitable inconvenience when the time comes, When I can’t escape anymore, What I’m struggling and possibly being afflicted with, mentally, emotionally, socially, physically.. whatever describes my present struggle in this experience,

To me, Closed-mindedness is easiest and most convenient, And open-mindedness, although it seemingly takes more effort and commitment (or discipline I guess..), may better prepare us for inevitable darkness.. So (once again).. without me intending judgment, I wish that others (including myself) remain encouraged to try staying open-minded, in the scary, dark, tempting moments of destructive convenience, to escape the painful presence..

I wish that all or at least more.. sustain open-awareness and commitment, to discover and attain the most out of the present, in which consciousness seems to occur.. for the improvement of ourselves and everyone ideally but also practically speaking ACCORDING TO ME, 

Sorry if all that sounded too arrogant.. It’s just where I believe my awareness is at..

In my opinion, Not all convenience is bad.. I just hope to avoid brutal consequences..

Well.. I wish for good, fruitful awareness..

If lots of my writing is unconsciously intended for validating my ego instead of trying to help better myself and others then well.. partly based on a lot of what I already wrote.. I wish to not feel painfully guilty, for that or my victim mentality, that I unconsciously instilled in response to my history.. 

I’m doing my best, as everyone else is regardless of their doing.. We’re just responding to perceiving by forming beliefs and actions (which correlate to different and the same extents depending on where the individual (us) is at..).. So I guess those that chose or decided to do evil were just reacting to the best of their present understanding.. I’m NOT excusing, But awareness seems more important for preventing evil behavior and suffering which to some may be obvious, but I guess it takes practice (and support if needed) to remember to embody and remain consciously in alignment with this..

One personal take-away I have from experiences writing is that when my thoughts become disorganized for whatever reasons, It’s more convenient to try to solve them by more thinking for a final “secure” conclusion.. (similar to what I said in my first posted WordPress.com poem.. which as of September 16, 2021.. at 12:48am.. is still up there..), ..but that just leads to more thinking.. I guess, there’s always more feeling and knowing.. I mean that positively speaking since the unknown, to me, has gotten frightening..

Now I must conveniently slow down my thoughts..

….. 

Wow.. the current just flows by.. I feel like I decently caught on to “typical” information processing speed.. But I still need to continue working SMARTER and HARDER.. If you “paid attention” such as I did.. maybe you’ll also believe that.. sometimes those two words may depend on each other.. Oh yeah I have a “rhetorical” random question (as some might say).. Is labeling people as “psychotic” lazily reductive and lazily efficient or do I just not know anything regarding that shit..? As for past experience.. mine’s been different.. If you’ve had it harder.. I guess.. please contribute to being ethically present and not assuming out of context.. If you take what you learned the hard way to give forth instead of making other “pay you back”.. I then thank you..

…  

May we not be too selfishly convenient with our “subjective judgment criteria”.. I tried just now by omitting the word “lazy”.. which I feel is self-explanatory to many..

And I guess.. if we don’t have creativity to share.. well.. as for preaching to myself, if all expression is deprived from us due to whatever the reasons or conditioning environmental forces, I can still “be with it”.. I can still find that discipline.. 

And since text messaging has seemingly CONVENIENTLY efficiently inhibited (or jeopardized?) expression abilities, such as saying “r” instead of “arrrrrre”, or.. “psy” instead of psychology.. how are the future generations going to advocate for their rights precisely.. if we don’t.. NON-VIOLENTLY.. be careful with technology ?

(Spoiler alert: I referenced my understanding of George Orwell’s “Newspeak” from his book “1984”..)

I don’t mean to promote false conspiracy.. but just.. trying to take steps to ask myself, to reinforce in myself, how does my ability to understand choice and make decisions affect all else around me and who are also interdependent with me ?

My mind is a little manic at the moment.. (not “atm” because that’s more uncertain.. and should (in my opinion) be used primarily for an emergency..), but in a nutshell.. aside.. from convenience.. I’m just wishing for PRACTICALITY..

And due to my robotic mentality.. I think consistent EMPATHETIC cultivation is crucial for my inner, moral and emotional strength.. I’m now “checking in” on my breath , And if you just act on autopilot too much.. in my opinion.. you’ll more likely dangerously lose touch.. So we can put on work-focus “blinders” without going blind so to speak..

And it may be convenient for those in power to excuse their convenience (or convenient judgment of others) as “efficient”.. but if we’re only efficient.. we may not always get the big picture.. we may just live on the surface.. 

Stay safe, stay well, and step by step.. I’m wishing we’ll try to face our fears without hate of those who make us struggle.. Okay.. enough writing.. Inhale…. 

Exhale

Right now my OCD is saying to not post this since the date is “9/16” because if you flip the “9” you get “616” which I’ve heard on Google is the “devil’s number” in addition to “666”.. but I must not shut my truth down with the conditions of one or many others beliefs and experiences.. No, that would not be living freely, but it would give power to the obsessive compulsive devil to control me..

Freedom is not OCD! Freedom is not OCD! I will learn from my intuition! Not conformist tradition! Even if that puts me at risk of greater isolation.. I will not destructively run away because time will always catch up someday! Well.. My actions will always say more about me than my words..

….

I know (at least for me) it’s not often cheap, easy and convenient to be mindful of immense brutal parasitic convenience.. such as going to McDonald’s to TEMPORARILY eat our way out of the depression we’ve unconsciously conditioned in response to our life.. at the expense of sentient beings in slaughter houses.. And since it’s not my fault for eating slaughtered animals.. and since punishment does not enlighten or permanently prevent a conditioned behavior from occurring (since it suppresses instead of heals or cleanses).. it’s our awareness for better decision making that (at least speaking for myself).. needs to be PROPERLY developing..

May seeds of awareness NOT be contaminated through traumatic punishment, but open a door for us down an everlasting path of true enlightenment, whether it’s for safe technological advancement.. or for wherever and however we seek personal, existential improvement,

Lastly.. Aside from the genre of writing that may most suit this, And since I can’t promise what and when I’ll write (or type, or post) next, Thanks again for reading this 🙏

Envision

My anxiety about taking temporary medication to reduce sleep deprivation as a result of anxiety has increased my anxiety, causing me to wind up on more medication, instead of reducing my sleep deprivation..

I’m getting sucked into a whirlpool of disorganization, But I’ll overcome this situation, And will NOT give up, On making it through this..

I’m still trying to get back into making more conscious decisions, So I continue living my truth with more gentle and clear precision, That’s what I plan and envision

Sleep Deprivation Direction Questions

If I don’t sleep for too long, what will I hallucinate? If I don’t sleep, will my past conditioned fears and imaginations rise? If I don’t sleep, will medication prevent hallucination causing me to hallucinate as a side effect? If I don’t sleep.. will my intended emotion be judged out of context more than it already is since others (as far as I would guess) do not watch me 24/7 ? I’m trying to face fears in an ethical direction

As the title says.. I have a lot of “Sleep Deprivation Direction Questions”.. similar to my “fear of death” since whenever that happens, what’s to come next ? Will I ever again feel physical and emotional pain.. Whose control will I be under? Who will honestly judge and “correct” me most accurately ? For me it feels rough dealing with uncertainty,

I don’t know if I know the answers

All I Ask

According to me (as implied..),

If you’re born with greater vulnerability to emotional pain, And especially if that pain has been exacerbated by bullying, You’ll be far more susceptible to block it out with destructive means, Since that seems to be what’s most conveniently available,

After years of isolation, due to not finding comfort in enough social situations, Some may emotionally break, and wind up on medication,

Some may excessively turn to fast food and sugar as pleasure to escape from all that obsessive-depressive-compulsive torture,

Some may go to the bar and kill brain cells to kill their anxiety that was made worse by judgmental society,

If you’re desperate to fit in, If you’ve got discouraged due to feeling like you can’t properly follow your wellness practice such as meditation, Alcohol may numb the pain of rejection, It doesn’t surprise me, That us on the “spectrum”, according to an article I read.. Have a far less life expectation, (note: I didn’t bother citing it since it’s easy to find proof of it if you Google it..)

I’ll stay in the game, But when will there be less pain? Maybe some won’t like my “victim mentality”, but due to my experiences.. This doesn’t surprise me as reality..

I don’t intend to make anyone feel guilty, Honestly, I am on the “higher” end of the “spectrum”, so possibly I may not have to worry as immensely..? But honestly.. a lot of what I’ve been dealing with.. I’d love to live without,

As of now, As of where I’ve been internally, That has influenced my behavior and decision making frequently, all I ask for, Is empathy

Social Creature

I can’t stand how those who fucked me up just took off, I can’t stand how I’m supposed to be loving and forgiving of those who don’t ask cuz they don’t care, I can’t stand how years being judged, made fun of and excluded has worsened my anxiety and insecurity so bad that to validate myself my obsessive behavior has prevented me from taking steps and getting courage for getting out of this manchild phase I’m in at 26..

I care that they have no fucking care for what they did to me, All those fucking times they’ve used their non-learning disabled social, emotional and intellectual awareness against me..

My heart aches with hate, I don’t have confidence to move forward while carrying all this out of control emotional obsessive compulsive darkness, I’m trying to just “not give a fuck”, I’m trying to just be present and let pass all the inevitable cruelness.. that’s filled me and will still be given to me,

Instead of ignoring it, I unconsciously and therefore unintentionally absorb it, and it’s taking over my consciousness, making my impulses hateful, judgmental and evil,

I need company getting through this, There’s no need to analyze this..

I just need assistance in and feeling on the same page in this multiverse of consciousness, I want to sustain awareness of the goodness that’s in all of us and not be blinded my evilness,

So therefore, as (I might’ve said before) my innate tendency, support and experience create how I chose to respond to pain and adversity..

In my belief there’s obviously accountability for ours and others’ wellness and safety, But in my belief, I didn’t choose my ability to choose and decide how I work and build myself up..

If you want my help and vice versa, I hope we let go of closed-minded beliefs, but respond to our experience of being there, and do whatever we openly feel and discover as right..

To make it through the bullshit, And prepare for more of it, So we’ll know how to deal with it..

If you’ve read this, Thanks for the attention towards me, I’m a social creature who feels, especially now, that he needed it

As for those who want to judge me because they feel like a victim and want to “power trip” at me.. because they can’t relate, because they selfishly don’t have motivation to change, because they’re in their comfort zone, well.. all these judgments and bad feelings I’m responding with, is how I’m responding, as a result of how I reacted and responded to my experiencing, such as to all the bullying,

Some people have it easier, Sometimes their unconsciousness uses the word “choice” to blame others for their situation, I have a choice, but not how I choose, and not how I respond to a situation, My awareness and conscious inside me I did not choose nor did I choose the support and paths provided to me, and when they were provided, I chose or decided to my best conscious degree, that I was born with, which I did not choose, so don’t judge me,

And if you had it easier and mistreated me, I’d like an apology,

And I apologize for the bad words and judgmental energy, but it’s a part of me I’ve unconsciously cultivated in this society, and when the pain builds too much, it sometimes comes out unconsciously and uncontrollably, But it’s getting better, I’m taking it slower, It’s gradually becoming clearer

Through the Days

He wants to fit in, Tries to be good to get attention, Then no one listens, And he unintentionally hasn’t adequately developed awareness of others’ emotion,

Then he feels like a victim, With his narrow attention, Tries to “adult”, And give back, But anxiety and ADD told him he’s on an inevitably slower track,

Did he arrive on time ? Will he learn, comprehend, make it to the end like his FRIENNNDS???

And he doesn’t have confidence he’ll “man up” to sacrifice and give back, So he excuses himself by staying in his childhood bedroom to…. (I think you already predicted the omitted one syllable word..)

Since he’s been single, and too anxious too mingle, He goes on TikTok, In his comfort zone “under a rock”, Since he knows he’ll inevitably get a .. okay I’ll “toxically say it”…

COCK BLOOOOCK..

Who is he? Could be anybody..

Goodday 🙏

Scattered Thoughts

I’m out of sync, Over-analyze then can’t think,

I don’t know what to feel, I’m insecure and fragile,

I want to believe in.. I don’t know, If I’m dying within.. Then.. That didn’t make sense.. I’ll start over..

Okay.. I think I’m paranoid, I think I’m feeling guilty for not sacrificing enough for others, But I didn’t choose this level of emotional and physical sensitivity.. And if I can’t better myself I might be assumed to be lazy?

I don’t know? My thoughts have been scattered lately.. I don’t know if I’m saying this or that.. I don’t know..

I don’t know