Person #1: Uh, uh, uh—
Person #2: Uh, uh, uh.. what!?
Person #1: Well now I forgot!
Person #2: Doubt it was important.
Person #1: Yes it was!
Person #2: Okay well why waste—
Person #1: Wait! I remember now!
Person #2: What..?
Person #1: How do we really know when it’s first considered a life form that can feel pain and—
Person #2: What does this have to do with you or anyone you know?

Person #1: Huhhh..
Person #2: Just focus on yourself.
Person #1: I was just trying to make conversation..
Person #2: Why talk about it if you’re not going to do anything!?
Person #1: Because we need to remember what we believe in.
Person #2: Huhhhh..
Person #1: What about Israel?
Person #2: What about it..?
Person #1: Well don’t ya think—
Person #2: I don’t care because I don’t live there.
Person #1: We’re American taxpayers!

Person #2: So what are you going to do about it..?
Person #1: Why don’t we do our small part while joining others to help spread the love on both sides..?
Person #2: Good luck with that..
Person #1: Thanks for the hope.
Person #2: Do you want me to tell you how it is or not?
Person #1: Well I think being a little more positive wouldn’t hurt..
Person #2: Oh my god..
Person #1: Let’s at least make a commitment to reduce our carbon emissions.
Person #2: If everyone else ain’t doing shit what difference will it really make!?
Person #1: We’ll be part of the tiny percent needed to make a difference.
Person #2: Okay I’m done, this is ridiculous..
Person #1: You’re ridiculous!
Person #2: Wow..

I often assume that,
For example:

I feel it’s:
Interesting how certain people,
and their insatiable attention and power seeking inner forces of judgment,
think they can emotionally disect,
evaluate,
And prescribe me before even truly getting to,
At least somewhat know me,

And I know I may (such as the above) have a lot of assumptions about what they just may be assuming about me..,

Yet who is higher,
And/or,
Has more power,

On the,

Assumption hierarchy ..?

And are these assumptions coming from an inner emotional place of compassion..?
Or a “need” for control..?

I just,

Do not feel to sufficiently know ?

I often assume that,
For example:

I feel it’s:
Interesting how certain people,
and their insatiable attention and power seeking inner forces of judgment,
think they can emotionally dissect,
evaluate,
And prescribe me before even truly getting to,
At least somewhat know me,

And I know I may (such as the above) have a lot of assumptions about what they just may be assuming about me..,

Yet who is higher,
And/or,
Has more power,

On the,

Assumption hierarchy ..?

And are these assumptions coming from an inner emotional place of compassion..?
Or a “need” for control..?

I just,

Do not feel to sufficiently know ?

I guess I can NOT expect those directly above me,
To pass down inner peaceful energy,

I guess,
Blaming my superiors for NOT leading by an inner peaceful example,
Will NOT help me feel more inner peace,

And that energy of blaming those above me,
May just increasingly weigh within me,
And may more likely emotionally dysregulate me to the point of,
Giving my superiors a “reason” to say:

Boss #1: He’s mentally ill.

Boss #2: I know right..

Boss #3: We’ll find someone else.

Boss #2: Yeah man like any dumbfuck can do this shit, for real..

Boss #1: Okay I’ll talk to him about why he’s done with us.

Boss #2: We did all we could do.

Boss #3: Yep.

?

Basketball:

Teammate #1: Let’s go kid! HUSTLE!!
Me: ..
Teammate #2: Here!!
Me: ..
Teammate #2: Yo what that fuck I was open!!?
Opponent #1: Let him shoot!! Teammate #2: No!!!
Opponent #2: Oh thank you!
Teammate #3: God… DAMMIT!!!!

I presently feel that:

Even though certain diverse friend groups who oppose other diverse friend groups may powerfully influence me to manifest a certain way before they add to my accumulated social rejection on some other day,

Even though my innate and developed present ability to courageously handle horrific stress,
Might just be cowardly FAR “less”..(?),

Even though to several of those who truly care for me,
While expecting nothing in return from me,
I just may largely UNintentionally add stress towards UNfairly..(?),

Even though the worst sides of me,
Might be what several more deeply remember and see..(?),

Even though,
There may be several valid opposing points of view and interpreted “factual” passed down records of history..(?),

Even though there may have been various certain forms of brutal suffering on all sides..(?),
Infinitely beyond what infinite “brilliant” words can describe,
Suffering beyond what any forms of “profound” historic expressions, re-enactments and/or cinematic depictions can re-enact, express and/or cinematically depict..(?),
Suffering that more individually and/or collectively “properly” cultivated REAL inner loving kindness could have to some greater degree prevented..(?),

Even if me wanting to share this is coming off more as insatiable attention seeking “narcissism”..,

Well..,
As I try to sustain,
And keep living for doing my best part,
To help in the best ways I feel I uniquely can,

I want to thank,

Those who died,
Among all who came before me,
Including who may still be alive in whichever similar and different sentient forms today,

Who helped pave the way,

Of all I have to be grateful for,

To this day,

And of course,

Happy Memorial Day 🇺🇸

I guess(?) I feel:

peaceful inner vibrations,
Through legal recreational self-medication,
Even though once again..,
It costs me,
Additional inner destruction,

Yup..,
I had another terrible hangover,
Yet I’m back at it,

Succumbed to another readily available temptation,
Largely,
To block out fear,
Resulting from previous honesty,

Who else will turn against me collectively..?
Who else will threaten me..?
Who else will use their highly developed awareness brutally against me..?

Yes,
I feel there’s only so much others can do,
And they’ve done a lot,
And from others,
I also feel to have put up with a lot,

Huhhhhhhhhhh

I feel that:

For one,
Maybe I haven’t perfectly explained these word for word,
I hope no one takes this personally,
And yes,
This disclaimer is another sign of anxiety..,
Regardless of excessive infinite cause and effect analysis,
I if cannot pull my weight,
If I cannot sufficiently peacefully relate,
..,
It just does NOT seem to matter,
Because,
Others have only so much remaining strength to offer,

Once (for example) a superior who I turned to,
To learn self-defense from other bullies,
Yelled “fucking be here!!”,
Which filled me with more paralyzing anxiety,
That even more greatly interfered with my ability to pay attention..,
..,
So..,
Do I owe this person an apology after looking at me then exclaiming the F word to me with a “warrior spirit” (if not one or two others..)..(?),
Was it me who truly caused the problem..?
Sure,
This person may have done a lot for me,
This person may have a lot of brilliant knowledge and history to share with others including me,
(Including my (“Stars”) baseball coach who exclaimed publicly “I don’t tolerate mental stupidity!!” implicitly referring to me..),

Yet I wish my leader of any self-development program to help me attain more confidence to stand up to those who mistreat me,
Talked to me as polite as I talked to him..,

Maybe I’m asking for “too much”?
..,
One time,
I expressed concerns for head injuries,
and during sparring my hands were down briefly, and he exclaimed “are you trying to get hit in the head!!?”..,
He won’t remember it,
Because it didn’t have the same emotional effect..,
Yet..,
Maybe I just “deserved to hear it..”,
?
Or is that the hardass within me..?

Huhh..,

And well,
I try not to dump my anger on other sentient beings who depend on me..,
I really don’t..,

I have and I’m sorry,
I just,
Try not to keep perpetuating meanness down the sentient hierarchy..,

Welp,
Even if those who I may have relied on,
May have (understandably) vented their anger towards me,
About whatever extra weight they felt a need to carry for me,

Even if that weight is “listening” and “empathy”,
Well,
My vengeance seeking ego hopes to climb the pain tolerance hierarchy so it can have emotional power over,
Those who arrogantly treated me like shit when I somehow depended on them,

Red flag! Red flag! Red flag!

Or is it really..?
Can I really push the emotional current that (largely) resulted from what others did to me out of me that easily..?,
Do I waste energy by “fighting” the emotional “current” within me..?
Or must I practice peacefully accepting it to ethically direct energy elsewhere..(?),
Am I “not allowed” to be angry at the guy who yelled to see if I’d jump,
Then had me go to the food court to buy him lunch (at the same SUNY “hub” Ice Spice had lunch..),
Who called me and my “fraternity pledge brothers”: “sorry sags of shit who went from less sorry sags of shit”..,
Which I feel didn’t help me find more inner peace to feel less weighted and more ethically “built up”,

Well,
As for Ice Spice and what she had for “lunch”..,
It wasn’t me getting any action nor subsequent creative recognition..,

And yes some people in the fraternity were and remain very supportive of me,
But others,
Nah..,

Well,
Am I “NOT allowed” to be angry at the other cool individual on campus who said if we’d ever say (stuff such as) that he put us in an ice bath,
Smiled as I was shivering,
Told me to shut up twice in front of others,
Cursed at me at least twice,
Said he’d “been in more fights than people I talked to”,
Had that “swag daddy” approach while hitting on a young woman I was then infatuated with..,

And then (prior) there was that talented actor,
Who,
(After a number of misunderstandings..),
Told me she “called the cops” on me and then said “April fools” in the middle of April..,

Or that fellow elementary school student at the YMCA who excluded me from his “bubblegum club” along with his minions,

Another man apologized,
So I will therefore NOT mention what he did,
Yet like the guy,
From college,
Who knew a lot of karate,
Who “been in more fights than people I talked to”,
Just felt,
He,
“Didn’t do shit to me”,

And well,
I feel that,
My old Karate and Jiu Jitsu head instructor was right,
That,
Having that kind of stuff weigh within me,
Would just limit me,
Welp,
As for that time I got anxious during that light-hearted little league trophy acceptance speech when virtually all the coaches and players found it hilarious..,
Well,
Given all the stress (they may have had),
Maybe I helped them by giving them a good laugh when I once again got socially anxious,
?

Yeah I know I “need” to let go of moments like these..,
I know they “didn’t mean it”,

Or am I being to scared to confront anyone,
Given my conditions..(?),
Given that I feel weaker,
And that,
“I must have compassion because they may have been severely abused”..,
Yeah I “know” if I truly find the sufficient inner peace to take stuff less seriously,
I guess..(?),
That’ll help me “focus on a better future instead of the past”..,

Welp,
I wish that when we’re trying to work together,
That shit,
Just..,
Feels better

I held out a chair for an old man,
And received a response that was,
“I’ll find my own chair!”
I paused,
And then the old man asked “Is this seat taken?”,
Then I got anxious and responded by stuttering “no no no”,
And then the ego in the old man seized the opportunity to feel emotional power over me by imitating my stuttering by aggressively responding/asking,
“No no no.. what!?”

Welp,
So much for the elder wisdom….,
Within him

They may claim to stand for certain rules,
Yet when we really get to know who they truly are,
We see,
What their real rules are..,

Who are “they”?
Could be anyone,
Individually,
Collectively..,

Maybe they’ll diagnose me for not getting the joke,
And killing the “vibe”,
Once I always arrive