Inner Choice/Decision Making Awareness

When I repeatedly fail at controlling my impulses,
My inner discouragement lets my impulses do what they want to me (or what they want WITH me),

When my inner emotional reactivity clouds my awareness for clear/good decision making,
I (therefore) can NOT make as clear NOR as good of a choice/decision,

Sometimes (if not often) without me being aware of it,
The inner emotional reactivity takes over me..,

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Choice to be Present”, September 13th, 2022, YouTube,,

Survival of the fittest mentality has NOT felt sufficiently fit for me,
Yet the brutal energy surrounds and provokes me,
The unaware mean energy I receive and perceive immensely triggers a very hard to control inner emotional reaction within me..,
I feel I can get emotionally triggered then emotionally derailed quite easily,
Giving the insecure egos around me a “reason” to diagnose me as (however implicitly or explicitly) “crazy”,
I feel they always want continual control over me..,
It seems to me,
It’s just the unconscious perpetuating mentality..?

And well,
Sometimes I feel I see stuff too differently,
Causing me to fear excessively,
And that will inevitably end up making me become too in my head,
Too emotionally/socially/cognitively disconnected,
And therefore delusional,
In addition to my innate behavioral response (to my environment) tendencies that shaped my character over time (such as getting bullied exacerbating an innate tendency to get more anxious than typical),
Being labeled and/or having certain conditions that are said to make stuff harder than typical,
For me,
Remains a damn struggle,

And well,
If too many do NOT know how to clear inner toxic building emotions,
I guess too many will then suppress them..?
And if the suppressed inner building toxic forces become hatred of an “us” versus “them” dynamic,
Then well,
Looks like there will be another war..?
Hence the unconscious pain unconsciously feeds off of itself however individually and/or collectively..,
However inclusively and/or brutally exclusively,

And since I’ve been born with a tendency to respond to emotionally provocative experiences with greater than typical emotional reactions or emotional “hyperreactivity”,
Suppressing my emotions has NOT felt to be a suitable path for me,
I instead felt a survival need,
To try,
To clearly look deeply,
Because if I lose too much control of my innately overly-reactive emotions,
Who knows what any powerful unconscious/uncompassionate insatiably egoistic authority may do to me..?
Ohh I hope that NEVER becomes a court ordered reality..(for example),


So the more inwardly balanced I remain,
The more externally I’ll appear (and literally function) as balanced and sane,
And of course,
I hope to find the inner peace WITHOUT any internal imbalancing deadly side-effects,
I of course hope for LESS excessive pain,
And NOT an exchange of types of pain,
NOR worse pain obviously,
For my survival,
I really must remember to PROPERLY develop that needed inner peaceful/healthy awareness,


And well,
As I feel I implied..,
If I never spot the inner causes of a lack of impulse control then I’ll never learn how to get a handle on my impulses,
I just often feel I can NOT control my impulses IF I’m NOT taught NOR sufficiently supported with HOW to control them,
If I NEVER learn NOR sufficiently remember how to inwardly clear the inner painful built-up bullshit,
I may (therefore) permanently lose it!?

I can evolve or devolve,
And I believe,
So can we all,

I may be more innately vulnerable(?),
Yet my life experiences may either DAMAGE,
Consciously BUILD me,
To access profound capability I never before saw possible within me,

I can find peace while going up the hill,
Or the pain I inevitably inwardly carry can psychologically dangerously spiral me into irreparable insanity..?
I really must remember inner awareness,
Of the awareness that underlies my decision making and/or present state of being and (therefore) in which direction it is mostly heading,

I can be aware of my awareness,
I can be aware of my awareness that is aware of my awareness..,
Etc, etc..,
(Source: Mooji, Infinite Love Meditation Club, “Mooji – DO NOT WORRY – 3 Wisdom Messages”, September 16th, 2022, YouTube,,

I often feel:
If I know what I must do,
Yet if I do not know how to do it,
I will never successfully do it,
And (hypothetically speaking) if no one teaches me it,
As any particular teaching may have somewhere first started(?),
Hopefully I then inwardly discover what I view as truth (that’ll truly help me)..,
Such as,
How to find healthy natural inner peaceful conscious balance,
To get myself through any work and/or any day,
In an increasingly deeply gratifying way..,

And of course,
The more my experience(s) damage my awareness,
The more damaging my decisions will be,
Since I will NOT have developed the inner foundational awareness I needed for good and clear decision making and/or good (and clear) impulse control..,

My emotional hyperreactivity makes me feel vulnerable in a world of brutally uncompassionate “survival”,
(Or among unconscious forces that are brutally insatiable),

I hope this is reasonably making sense..(?),

The LESS I find natural inner peace in the present,
The MORE susceptible I’ll be to toxically impulsively blocking out inner pain (such as through drug abuse as a hypothetical..(?)),

The external may tell me what I must do,
Yet IF I do NOT consciously identify MY inner causes of bad decision making,
I’ll just keep making bad decisions,

And well,
If I do NOT have sufficient inner awareness support NOR guidance NOR any needed inner realizations on how to develop clear awareness for clear and good decision making,
Then of course..,
As I also ended the above stanza with..,
I’ll just keep making bad decisions..,

So I feel,
Instead of unconsciously reacting to inner emotional pain by making unconscious impulsive bad decisions to block out the pain through excessive medication (recreational and/or prescribed..),
I feel I must INSTEAD (for example) witness my natural breathing and inner sensations,
The natural expansion and contraction of my chest,
The (unconsciously built up) painful present inner resistance CLEARING while peaceful inner conscious strength INCREASES,
Or whatever it is I may be deeply experiencing that helps develop my inner peaceful awareness and acceptance of inevitable external present circumstances..,

The LESS present inner stressful resistance I carry,
The MORE inner peacefulness I’ll more likely attain,
That’ll MORE likely help me additionally succeed externally,
The more I have inner peacefulness,
The easier I feel it may be to do my part at emanating it externally,

So if I feel excessive inner pain,
I (therefore) feel I must remember HOW to NOT add to it by inner tense resistance NOR (or such as) negative thoughts pertaining to it,
I can just,
Witness it as it is,
And practice accepting that I can not instantly change it..,
Which may just most likely help it start and/or continue to settle..?
Since I’ll be letting it be within me,
And therefore NOT adding inner tension/inner bad energy such as negative thoughts and/or energy to what I can NOT change in the present moment,

And of course,
I hope to more successfully,
More continually,
Accept whatever I inevitably experience,
In any present moment,
Yet (I feel) I must remind myself that it takes aware commitment,

And of course the LESS inner energy depleting negativity I carry within me,
The MORE clear inner peaceful strength I’ll have to complete any task(s) I must,
And hence,
The more likely I’ll make better decisions to reach more goals,

The more clear I am internally,
The more clear I can make decisions that may MORE likely benefit me externally,
Or however the decisions may deeply and continually serve me (and others hopefully),

That unconscious inner toxic energy will NOT be excessively clouding my awareness NOR will be excessively holding me back..,

So I’ll have and sustain the inner clear awareness,
To keep making the decisions I must,
That’ll therefore give me a greater likelihood of feeling better and better,
Of however I feel is more worth feeling,


Awareness of my inner awareness,
I just must keep remembering,
To keep consciously developing

Narrowing and Broadening

As for whatever degree of pain or pleasure,
For worse or better,
Sometimes I’m more aware and other times less aware,

My awareness,
Broadens and narrows,
And hopefully it overall develops peacefully,

Ideally I’d prefer to ride my life manifesting energy current peacefully from start to finish,
With no damaging painful abrupt changes of frequency,

Yet from here forward,
May I prevent growing unconscious selfishness from narrowing my awareness,
And may I increasingly reconnect with the beingness I’m a part of,

May reconnecting give me peacefulness,
May it help me feel LESS painfully alone in my head whether with any number of others or completely isolated,
May my awareness perpetually expand beyond the walls of my present awareness,
Whenever I think I “have the answer”, may I peacefully expand my awareness further and further,
Deeper and deeper,
Clearer and clearer,

May my awareness bubble (or oval?) keep enlarging,

May I peacefully keep developing

Energy and Infinite Mysteries

Regardless if we come from a deity or not,
I believe we manifest out of life energy,

Whether or not there was a deity who created us,
I guess(?),
That deity also manifested out of life energy,
So regardless,
We all come from life energy,


And well,
If aliens also look exactly like me and/or are also humans,
Then maybe life energy happens to manifest in similar patterns..,


Regardless if there is one or however many deities manifesting out of life energy and creating beings or not, etc, etc,

And/or if we just manifest out of life energy,
Or “God”?

I’d say,
Regardless of all the infinite mysteries,
Most deeply,
We manifest,
Out of life energy

Infinite forms in Infinite Continual Directions

Whatever there is,
I believe,
Occurs infinitely,

I believe all forms of understanding,
Are infinite,
And can be understood,
Explained and/or however conveyed,
In infinite directions,

So therefore,
I wish for some REDUCE in pressure,
To write,
And/or explain it “all”,

I wish for my awareness to be more relaxed and clear (less distracted by pressure) in the present moment,
When writing

Capitalizing in Capitalism

I presently feel:

Whether within capitalism or not,
There’s lots of perpetual emotionally damaged insecure energy,
That looks to capitalize on weaknesses in others to access, rediscover and sustain a feeling of “superiority”,
And of course there may be infinite forms with infinite extents in all (or infinite) directions,
So may I have some continual relief from pressure to “perfectly” describe it,
And therefore may I feel more inwardly clear in order to more clearly describe whatever I wish to and is possible in writing,
Of course with the hope of helping me and others..,

Okay so,

As implied for various intricate reasons,
My predispositions/labels/lived experiences that shaped/damaged my awareness development,
Make me lack needed confidence to capitalize in capitalism,

And well,
In order to be morally “in it to win it”,
I feel I must properly remember to sustain focus on a viable inner awareness development track that’ll therefore underlie whatever I chose to pursue externally,
Since knowing how to develop a TRUE winning spirit starting at its truest deepest inner roots,
Will help me have the awareness I need,
To meaningfully succeed,
Or to truly “win” it,

I’ve always found opportunities hard to capitalize on,
Even in capitalism,
If people don’t understand that play on words then I’m at another loss of words..(CAPITALIze in CAPITALIsm is in the word..),
And if I made you feel criticized due to not understanding it, it’s all good, I’ll try continuing with this post to reduce chances of losing focus on the bigger (less detailed/easier to connect and remember) picture..,
Since in order to “win it” I gotta remain focused and not “over explain” right!!?
(Such as going from point to point instead of stopping to explain each connection..),
Well.., I really must stay alert of people who egoically unconsciously insatiably ABUSE their awareness,
The more RARE the opportunities are,
The greater the pressure is to NOT “mess up” distracts and causes me to mess up,
Since I’m emotionally hyper-reactive,
And that surrounding egoic judgmental energy,
Gives my fragile ego more pressure to be viewed at least somewhat positively,
Which of course distracts me..,
And makes me more vulnerable to being forced on emotional regulation psychiatric medication which may be more HARMFUL for me (in a different way due to side-effects)..,
Since the for-profit/ego-power decided to CAPITALIZE by for-profit “research” conclusions (such as omitting harmful conclusions of prescriptions in any “research” disclosed to sell the drug)..,

Okay and as for general unconscious judgment..,
Yet since those egos who judge me negatively are not aware,
Why must I seek validation from those who are also unaware and who I would NOT look up to?
Therefore assuming their awareness is not at a higher level than mine??
In addition to just practicing NOT being excessively distracted by unconscious inner pressure of being liked by others (however aware or not),

I guess I may say(?),
It’s my unconscious insecure mind and other unconscious insecure minds that look to capitalize the external,
Instead of practicing finding and developing inner foundational peace being consciously with our present manifesting feelings internally,
Instead of being in touch with our deeper beingness which (I believe) we’re an inseparable part of perpetually,


I feel it seems,
The insecure emotionally damaged mind just looks to the external instead of healing the inner traumatized/emotionally damaged roots that seek to make up for resulting and perpetuating egoic insecurity without ever finding the deeper inner causes of the perpetuating insecure unconscious forces(?),

Instead of proceeding down an inner development path of clearing inner emotional pain/trauma,
I feel the ego just unconsciously insatiably seeks to externally capitalize,
And well..,
(Since it’s insatiable),
I feel it seems,
There’s just never enough power the insecure ego can win,
Whether in capitalism and/or whichever economic, Political,
Or any conceivable power feeding system..,
For example,

Whether it manifests as an individual and/or collective unconscious insatiable egoic internally unaware mental external seeking mentality(?),
Or however an insatiable form of unconsciousness may manifest..(?),
I guess we can get so increasingly lost in our minds,
Such as losing more and more touch with the deeper life energy our PRESENT physical form always manifest from as it passes through stages of development and/or however many continuing lives..(?),
(which may have began longer/infinitely before (this present moment and before all physical sentient manifestations) such as there being nothing except empty life energy space(?)),
Yeah I know I can never “know”,

As for me and my attempted moral path to success however I see fit,
I just have to catch myself when losing focus,
And SPOT when my unconscious egoic mind steers me off track into obsessive compulsive excessive unorganized incoherent over-analysis to try feeling better about itself such as by feeling “smart”,
My egoic mind..,
Operates to make me lose focus and/or prevents me from rediscovering or becoming in touch with my deeper inseparable internal and external surrounding beingness,
For reasons (like I said) such as trying to validate itself by partaking in further and further analysis (however logical or not),
Which (of course) may happen to include trying to describe egoless beingness..(?),

So as my ego obsessively (to whichever rational or IRrational degree) analyses..,
It makes me more out of touch and makes me lose more needed survival clear awareness,
For success,

Hence if I expand my awareness beyond my mind and beyond any forms of unconscious/egoic forces,
The more presently in alignment I may become with what surrounds me(?),
And that clearer expanded inner powerful awareness,
May just be key,
To capitalizing,
However I see fit that’s in alignment with my integrity,
Wherever I am,
In a capitalist society,
Or whatever society it might be,


I feel I just must practice,
Instead of wasting time analyzing it

And I’d say,
It’s awareness,
Of the deepest roots,
Of underlying awareness

Emotional Chemical Reactions

I feel I often presently believe that:

For one,
I can never be aware of all the infinite elaborate internal and external manifestation processes because they’re infinite,
And I can ESPECIALLY never be aware of all the infinite internal and external life energy processes all at the same time because they’re infinite,
So I chose to write/remind myself that,
To help reduce pressure to explain “all of it”,
In a way that is just “perfect”,
I can at least say,
It’s infinite,

I lose sleep due to lying awake worrying about losing sleep,
I wind up on medication to reduce anxiety even if it’s anxiety about winding up on medication,
Because I get too lost in my head,
I often fail at productively planning ahead,

I sometimes spiral due to an emotional fear of emotionally spiraling,
Which also has to due with being labeled as someone who struggles with emotional regulation..,
And well..,
The younger and longer I’m told to have a “disability”,
The greater the damaging psychological effect(s) it may more likely have on me,
And oh yes, the perpetuating inner stressful psycho-negativity may also harm me physically(?),
Yet if more others would more often LISTEN and simply acknowledge that they understand,
Well I may feel more meaningfully socially connected,
LESS in my head,
And LESS alone with my “disability”,
And regardless..,
I feel the deeper I connect with my deeper true inner being,
That just may help me take my attention away,
From being lost in,
Painful overthinking,
The expanding present appreciation that’s infinitely beyond my mind in infinite ways,
Be sufficiently healing..?

And regardless whether “mental intelligence” produces or receives “life energy”,
Since mental intelligence is a part of life energy,
What difference does it really make?
The point is..,
To expand my awareness,
Beyond thought,
In order to ALSO think clearer,
And well I’d say what always comes infinitely before thinking is deeper life beingness..,
And yes,
Maybe I did not need to explain that and could have remained peacefully in the moment,
I feel that truth is always here,
Regardless of how clearly I am,
Regardless of how clearly I explain it,

Because of how my innate predispositions got shaped due to my lived experience(s),
I often lose touch with the moment by “getting ahead of myself”,
Even though I know it,
I still struggle with it..,
I fail at getting ahead because I lose touch with what I must do in the present since I get too ahead of myself in my head,
I must remember to keep trying to expand my awareness beyond my mind,
So I’ll think LESS excessively and instead think MORE clearly,
If all my energy goes to my mind,
I’ll get painfully lost in thought,

I guess,
The energy will painfully compress,
In thinking,
And make me LOSE more and more touch with experiencing all I could be appreciating that manifests within and around me that is NOT merely thinking..,
I struggle with preventing my thinking mind from narrowing my attention..,

So instead of painful thinking building in my mind and causing inner present moment resistance tension growing unchecked within me,
Instead of getting overly lost in thought,
I must expand my awareness beyond my thinking mind..,
In order to think LESS yet think CLEARER,

And although I may understand it,
I still must remember to practice it,
Such as continually consciously detaching from the inner pain and NOT adding to it by creating more painful inner resistance such as by adding negative thinking pertaining to the pain I’m experiencing..,
May I instead peacefully accept what is inwardly occurring,
Giving the greatest likelihood of the inner pain settling..,
Because the pain feeds off of my negative thoughts about it (for example),
The pain feeds off of pain..,

May I increasingly peacefully accept what I can NOT instantly change within me in a healthy way,
May I accept what I carry within me as I remain focused in a gratifying productive way,

As a hypothetical:
Just because I know what it means to do a double backflip on flat ground does NOT mean I can do one,
Just as,
Just because I know what it means to have inner peace does NOT mean I often have it..,

And yes,
I wish my awareness would more easily be more often increasingly in the infinite present moment,
Instead of always feeling a need to “explain it”,
Especially since I believe there’s infinitely more stuff to explain,
So why NOT expand my awareness (without explanation pressure) beyond the world of words!?

Of course (as I repeatedly implicitly said) I feel I must expand my present awareness beyond thoughts in my head..,

As I initially wrote,
(However off topic this might be (?)),
I often feel and/or often believe that:

If I repay a favor many others may say something like (for example),
“The last thing I wanted was for you to feel you had to repay me”,
And if I do NOT,
It’s “well what about all I’ve done for you!?”

And I’m like (to myself),
“How may I really help you!!?”

It’s a “double-bind” since it’s a situation that’s “lose, lose” as for however I respond and others may criticize me for NOT responding at all such as due to me changing the subject..?
And (I feel that) too many can NOT see how they contradict each other..,
(And I guess as for a larger scale example..(?)),
Such as (hypothetically speaking) if I have “freedom” yet the rules do NOT apply when under the control of a big business..,
I may have “freedom of speech” yet may be fired for morally criticizing corruption or punished behind closed doors for peacefully challenging brutally corrupt authority..,
So what is it really meant by an authority that grants people “freedom of speech”..?
I guess as for that context(?),
I can choose to say what I want if I “choose” to get punished for it..?
And of course the law of “no cruel and unusual punishment” seems to mean different things to different people/hierarchies (for example)..,
(Source: United States “Bill of Rights”, Eighth Amendment (ratified on December 15th, 1791)),

And well..,
Hypothetically speaking..,
Sometimes these inalienable “equal rights” are only applied for one group who must “own property” and not others,
And oftentimes an authority people depend on may NOT be held accountable NOR thoroughly investigated when others’ fair basic needed survival rights are violated..,
And sometimes the likely psychological effects of one group having more opportunity than another go severely unaddressed..?
If we all learned how to make a viable inclusive collective effort to continually try letting go of our insecure ego/emotionally damaged self(?) and INSTEAD tried to increasingly develop peace (internally and externally),
We all may function better together(?),
Regardless of our level of socioeconomic power..,
(For example),


So as for the “double-binds”..,
As for what many people seem to unconsciously do and say that contradicts itself..,
(Such as having “freedom of speech” WHILE being punished for peacefully saying something “immoral” (such as challenging a corrupt authority))..,
I so often feel as many seem to say,
That I’m also just..,
“Damned if I do and damned if I don’t”,
(Source: Alan Watts, “The Book”, (1966), pages 71-73, Vintage Books, New York),
Especially since the emotionally damaged insecure ego always looks to harm others to feel superior,
And (as I talked about) unconscious pain does NOT seek to relieve itself,
Yet instead seeks to feed itself,
Unconscious negative forces do NOT seek connecting with people by increasing positivity yet instead feed off of negativity,
So humans must know how to spot and protect these forces,
And INSTEAD of people in a painful bad mood seeking to connect by bringing others down to their level,
May we learn to heal to uplift and reconnect with our deeper spirit,
To me that clearly sounds FAR more worth it,

And I feel many others feel criticized when I ask them to not criticize me,
Then they criticize me for getting offended,
Or they might dismiss it (such as) by saying,
“Well we all get criticized”,
Yet I feel,
There’s no guarantee that (whoever) others will understand how I wish them to understand what it’s like,
Being me with my “autistic” and/or “neurodivergent” learning and emotional adversity,
(For example),

Once again,
I hope and,
I’ll try to struggle less,
With rediscovering and cultivating inner peace,

Because (I feel) trying to think my way out of inner pain leaves the deeper (non-thinking) causes of the inner pain/overthinking unaddressed..,
If I try thinking my way out of thinking I create MORE thinking..,
I just feel I must remind myself to find peace with any forms of pain I can NOT instantly change (as I clearly implicitly and/or directly talked about..),

And as for social connection,
I’d say whatever emotional chemicals I feel that emanate from me (internally) react with whatever emotional chemicals that are inwardly building and emanating from however many other individuals which therefore creates a social interaction,

So (I believe) if we’re both caught up in thinking,
Our social interaction(s) will NOT be any deeper than thinking,
If we both have pain and sadistic insecurity,
We may risk becoming violent..?
If one of us has inner peace and the other does NOT,
Then the troubled person experiencing inner pain may uncontrollably give the hurt to the other peaceful person who will (more likely) remain calm while the other may appear crazy to those who are consciously aware..?
And if the peaceful person remains aware,
They’ll detach their awareness in order to remain safe from getting lost in the other’s meanness,

And (for example) if both (or all) have inner peace,
There will MORE likely be more peace..,

That’s what I believe and hope

Through the Day

I’m just trying my best to survive through the day,
Until whenever it is I pass away,

I’m just trying to ride the wave of my present life,
While remaining balanced,
While remaining peaceful,
Safely emotionally regulated and/or equanimous,

While peacefully expanding gratifying longer lasting awareness,

I’m just trying to NOT force what I can NOT force,
Including NOT forcing what it means to “not force”,
I’m just trying to increasingly peacefully accept what I can not presently change among any type of force,

I’m trying to think LESS excessively and MORE clearly and peacefully coherently,
Safely and gradually,

When the pain builds within I try to spot it,
I try to access the roots to clear it,
So it does NOT make me “lose my shit”,

And when writing,
I try to be clearer and clearer,
I try to over explain less and less,

I try to remember,
To develop,
Needed inner peaceful,
Foundational awareness

Wrong Statement, Wrong Person, Wrong Time

If I do NOT have social skills,
I may say,
The wrong statement,
To the wrong person,
At the wrong time,
And if I can NOT find the roots to discover and increasingly sustain that REAL positive inner peace,
I may just get blown to pieces..?

If I’m not aware,
Of how unaware others are,
For example,
I may say something FIGURATIVELY,
Which an emotionally traumatized, damaged and dangerously UNaware person may interpret LITERALLY..?
Vice versa,
Or whatever the details of the lead up to the catastrophe,
Might sadly be..?

Speaking especially for myself,
Discipline for inner awareness of whatever surrounds me,
I feel is crucial,
For survival

Inner Emotional Sea

What can I say that will make the emotion “instantly” go away..?
So many others seem to have something for me to say..,

“Just tell yourself you’re a good person”,
“Don’t let your past hold you back”,
“You gotta have confidence”,
“Don’t be sensitive”,
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself!!”

Yet I feel inner emotional chemical reactivity passing and building perpetually,
And what I try telling myself seems to get lost in the emotional pain that contaminated my internal emotional sea,

Oh so many,
Tell me what I “should” tell myself,

Yet the surface of what they see,
Is all they see,
Of the infinite depths of my inner emotional reactive sea,

And I believe,
The same is true,
For them,
Among all other sentient beings that manifest on the surface of life energy

Word Inflation

When is there a point when a word has been overused that it loses its emotional effect?

If the words are more abundant and easily accessible,
Don’t they lose value?

Must life experience energy fairly tax in and out words that are in circulation in order to prevent inflation?

What words sell and capture needed attention?
What words serve as lucrative deception?

Does life energy work “fairly”?

I guess,
The more my life experience triggers inner painful emotional dysregulation,
The more susceptible I’ll be to “quick fix” convenient medication,

It’s just,
I try so hard NOT getting lost NOR out of touch with the varying degrees of “ebbing and flowing” emotion,

What words are most valuable for my needed written expression ?