What I See

I just wanna kill everyone on TV..,
What is it?
Envy?
My victim mentality..,

Don’t know..,
Yet..,
I just,
Have been interpreting,
All this fake kindness and forced smiling,
..,
To be,
Just f*cking sad and wrong,

Maybe I’m wrong..(?),
But well..,
I just,
Don’t like what I see,

Huhhh..,

I just want more peace in me..,

Speaking,
Practically

Missing You

Even though you were a cat,
Well..,
If I was looking clearly..(?),
I saw me in you,

Fast and struggling,
Less fit,
And struggling at surviving,

And well,
One day,
When you left and never came back,

I thought,
And think here and there,

When will it be me?

When will I leave this present manifesting form,
And never come back ?

I don’t know man(?),
And I don’t think you knew either,

Shit..,

What else must I say..(?),

What else is there really to say ..

?

Expression Equality

If I call you a SLUR,
I’m presently referring to,
You as an INDIVIDUAL,

NOT a group..,

A lot offends me,
And a lot of what offends others,
Who have more power than me,
Well,
I’m just NOT allowed to say,

Well,

I believe in INTEGRITY,
I believe in,
Respect,
Regarding,
“whatever it means to me”,

And I believe in FREEDOM,
Of EXPRESSION,

Equally

Awaiting the Morgue

When will it be my remains?
Forgotten,
Left in the shadows..,

Ohh man..,
What are the figures of speech?

I’ll just..,
Wait what?

I forget..,

Huhhh..,

I’m just so insignificant..,
My ego will never be satisfied in the present..,

It’s just like..,

Why worry about it ??

Yeah..,
I guess..,
Many know it ?

Just be f*cking present

Taking Blows

I try to be so kind and rational,
And others just remain so pointlessly hurtful,

Instead of confronting the powerful,
They’re like..,
Why not throw another punch at the autistic and/or transgender community..?

And when I try to “go with the flow”,
When I suppress and lose it,
So many just blame me for it,
Making it so much harder for me,
To safely remain,
Sane,

Oh the pain..

Can’t change NOR avoid them,
Shit..,
It’s hard,
Making it work,
With all them,
(Meaning so many others),

They keep treating me like shit,
And if I stand up for myself,
I’ll end up making it harder for myself,

Shit..,
I’m just like..,
Fuck those who bully me..,
Yet I just gotta keep taking the blows,
And if I haven’t recovered..,
Well,
It’s not just about me RIIIIGHT!?

Oh what a struggle..,

Riiiiiight !!?

Remaining with Me

If they say I have to,
“Fake it until I make it”,
Well..,
I fail at faking it..,
Too much,
To sufficiently conform to their expectations,
Of what I must do,
To,
“Make it..”,

Huhh..,

It’s been hard trying to stay true..,
While doing what they expect me to,

Of course it’s NOT just about me,
Yet I just constantly fail at remaining synchronous,
And others have ZERO tolerance,
And others make it harder for me,
And too often it exacerbates my neurodivergent hyper-emotional insecurity,
And they just make me feel worse,
By totally,
Perpetually,
Blaming me,

Huhh..,
I wish it felt easier,
To attain and sustain more,
Helpful,
Power,
Sometimes it’s not just,
“Whatever”,
Sometimes I just feel a NEED to..,
More DEEPLY,
Truthfully,
Meaningfully,
Get it together,

I try suppressing it,
They way they expect it,
Yet I just can NOT sufficiently manage it..,

Huhh..,
There’s always new phrases I’m learning,
New ways of wording,
And new ways the obsessive compulsive insecurity still limits me..,
Especially in my creativity..,

Huhh..,

Well I guess one thing I’ll say/repeat,
Is that although many may consider what I experienced as,
“Not that bad”,
Well,
The effects on me,
Felt BAD,

And they still do,
I still struggle,
With emotional hyper-reactivity,
I still struggle with confidence,
Learning disabilities,
And finding those who are sufficiently kind to me..,

Man..,
The struggles just remain with me

Clearly Implied

Even though to many this may,
“Not sound that bad”,
?
Well..,
As for what you did to me,
The effects it had on me,
Just happened to be,
BAD,

Even though I must NOT let what those like you did to me,
“Hold me back”,
..,
Well a lot of what happened,
Remains in me and makes it hard for me to keep focus,
On a helpful,
Self-serving track,

Even though I may have forgot a lot,
Even though I may NOT include that much,
Ohhh..,
I feel what I list here,
In whatever ways to whatever extents,
May,
Imply,
So,
So much MORE,

Even though the memories are fading,
I still know you acted messed up towards me,
So just so,
At least some believe me when I say you bullied me,
Well,
I’ll include these:

I’ll start with this,
When doing layups at basketball practice..,
Someone passed me the basketball,
It bounced off my head,
Then,
You confidently sarcastically asked,
While patting me on the back..,
“Are you okay little boy?”
And everyone laughed,
And I shrunk even deeper into painful anxiety and feelings of powerless inferiority,

At the end of practice,
You got me physically restrained,
And you were like,
“I wonder if I can pull your leg out of its socket?”
And you just kept at it,
Even when it was clear that I was NOT nearly as able to equally play along with it,

There was..,
That time at the rec center,
When I was playing bumper pool with my brother,
And without saying a word,
You decided to come watch us,
Then I got nervous since you were there,
Then I made a bad shot,
Then you sarcastically said “nice shot”,
And I’m like,
“Well I barely play this”,
And you said,
“Yeah sure..”
So you once again seized another opportunity to add to your power trip of making me feel more deeply inferior,

And if you do NOT remember this,
Well,
May you remember,
That you were NOT as badly affected by all this,
So that’s why,
Incase you forgot a lot,
I evidently,
Have NOT,

There was the time in the high school library,
When I was getting special learning support I needed,
So my autistic learning needs were sufficiently met,
Yet at the end of the day when the final bell was about to ring and all the students were by the door waiting to exit,
You asked,
“Why do you always meet with that lady? Are you stupid or something?”
Then I anxiously politely responded by telling you that “I just get help with schoolwork”,
Then your friend was like to me,
“You’re stupid”,

And after all the hard work my parents went through,
All their battles with the administration..,
To make sure I got as much of the NEEDED support in school that I could..,
Instead of just becoming even more shut down on medication (which seemed to be their solution..),
You just had to make it harder for me,
And harder for my parents due to me getting depressed,
Largely due to how people like you would treat me..,

Man..,
(Like I just said in the above stanza..),
Since the school could NOT seem to stop the bullying,
They wanted to put me on medication to try to “block out” my anxiety and depression that was being exacerbated from those like you,
And if I got forced on heavy loads of medication,
Oh who knows the effects it could have had on me!?
I do NOT even know if I would still be alive today?
Who knows if I would be functioning in nearly as good of a way?
(And although I feel I’m still not, yet, (I feel) it could very likely have been way WORSE..),
And as for medication..,
Well personally,
I often felt it made staying balanced overall more challenging for me..,
I do NOT feel it addressed NOR helped heal the inner roots of what was bothering me..,
It just was NOT for me..,
Yet essentially..,
Having autism made functioning in a world of dickheads excessively painful for me,
And..,
Even when I was younger they never thought I’d make it in a “normal school”,
They wanted to conveniently NOT have to deal with me,
They wanted to put me in an environment even LESS mainstream that would’ve ended up making me even LESS familiar and LESS equipped for survival in the mainstream..,
And well,
Even though it could have been way WORSE if handled differently..(?),
It was still hard for me,
To make it through,
Largely due to those like you..,

And your meanness did NOT “toughen me up”,
It mostly just,
Messed me up,
..,
And now (due to many others as well) I have all this brutal excess inner insecurity,
That limits me,
That damages my ability at letting go of what’s toxic,
That severely inhibits my ability at remaining focused on what is GOOD for me..,
That makes me more susceptible to harmfully self-medicate to block out the pain..,
Huhh..,
Sometimes I lose sleep due to all my inner shit..,
Sometimes I really lose it..,

Of course it was NOT just what you did,
There’s lots to it..,
Yet just..,
Being autistic..,
In the culture I was in,
For me,
Was a major loss..,
In so many ways..,

And evidently,
I STILL struggle to clear the inner pain that remains in me largely as a result of what those like you have done to me,
As I try to move forward,
It still weighs in me,
It still holds me back..,

Damn,

There was that time in gym class when I threw the football and it did NOT spiral well,
And you were like,
“What the hell was that!!? You call yourself a football player!!?”
Yeah I even remember you being a dick to that guy Peter..,
Especially since people like us were far less confident,
Far WORSE gym class volleyball players..,

And even though I may have forget a lot of other damaging shit you did to me,
Well,
I’d say that as for what I do remember and shared here,
It’s clearly implied,
That there was just so much more,

And even though you may excuse what you did as “joking”,
Regardless,
I’d say that,
Due to our stages of development,
Well,
You sensed my innate autistic social/emotional/learning weaknesses,
And to feel more secure and in power,
Well..,
You just had to seize the opportunity to make me feel inferior,

Yeah I wish bullying was NOT the dominant culture,
I wish we were taught compassion,
And well,
Since I can NOT change others (therefore) including you,
Whenever I fail to avoid them,
Huhh..,
I just have to remind myself,
To not get dangerously lost in emotion,
I must remember,
Now is a time to sustain peaceful civil (internal/external) action,
So I do NOT lose my shit,
Then wind up in prison,
The psych ward,
The streets,
Or whatever happens to dangerously worsen my situation,
And causes me to spiral into more dark and painful delusion,

Yeah I’d say for a number of reasons,
It’s been hard for me,
Remaining peaceful,
And well,
If I do NOT remain peaceful,
My life will just get additionally hard,
So it’s felt excessively painful,
Feeling I can NOT escape what feels,
Excessively painful,

You done a lot to me,
And I can NOT do anything to you,
Or else it’ll just get worse for me,

Yeah I’d appreciate an apology,
Yet I can NOT force you to do anything,
And of course,
I would NOT want to make anything dangerously worse,

I just gotta,
Hopefully go back to that inner peace cultivating..,

And yeah,
I try (yet struggle) to let it go,
And I know,
Or I’d guess..(?),
That whatever you did to me,
And however I destructively reacted to it..,
Well..,
You were going through whatever you remember and can speak for,
And well,
As for then,
I did NOT know how to properly handle it,

I did NOT know how to inwardly properly respond to (being a victim of) any forms of unavoidable bullying/mistreatment,

And as for the pain that remains in me due to it,
Well,
I guess I’ll just keep trying to “cut the strings”,
Or,
“Unhook the chains” that remain attached to it,

Oh man..,
I just fail so often at sufficiently letting go of it..,

Shit…

And yep..,
Evidently,
I hopefully,
Become more free,
LESS inwardly weighed down and/or exhausted,
From inner pain due to my past,

Such as..,

All that,

And well,
Even though I can always include more examples,
And even though I may always make clearer or deeper any example I include,
Including how I’m explaining this,

And regardless of however I may revise and add to this post(?),
(If ever),
?

Well,
I hope(?) that enough of what I had to share here,
Was,
Or,
Is,
Sufficiently,
Clearly,

Implied

What I’m actually Doing

Discouragement makes me put it off,

Bad past experiences,
Damaged confidence,
Being diagnosed with this an that,
Prevents me,
From doing so much of that,

I say I’ll “do it later”,
Or,
“Once I do that other thing”,
Yet,
Without realizing,

I spiral into,
Another whirlpool,
Of not doing,
What I can be doing,
Such as what may more likely further help me,
Feel however more,
Equanimous,
Peaceful,
Happy and fulfilled,
Experiencing,

Oh I need to remember,
What to do,
That’ll help me,
Have more awareness,
For spotting,

What it is,
I’m actually doing

Hurtful Double Standards

They’ll vent what they want to vent about,
And when it’s me venting,
It’s “I don’t want to hear it”,

For example,
Even though I know..,
Many may still exclaim,
“Just let the past go!”
Leaving me feeling more criticized,
And inwardly held back..,
And the energy of their hurtful critical advice,
Often makes it even HARDER for me,
To remain on a better track,

They’ll bloviate and negatively express whatever they feel they need to “get off their chest”,
And when I do it,
They feel I,
“Kill the vibe”,

They’ll laugh at me,
And will get mad at me when I laugh at them,

They’ll use it against me,
When I treat them the way they treat me,
Even to a much smaller degree,

I just feel so often,
Feel stuck and surrounded by forces of irrationality,
That’ll always hurtfully attack me,
No matter how much I try to make myself heard,
Clearly and rationally,
..,
They’ll dig up the slightest imperfections they find in me,
To try to feel a sense of power to please their insatiable egoic insecurity,

And since their egos would feel threatened,
If (for example) I even politely slightly mentioned and/or implied that they’re being egoistic..,
Well..,
I believe that since the ego may feel threatened by feeling egotistic,
Since the ego might want to view itself as “egoless”..,
They’re just going to respond by being more of a defensive prick..,

Huhh..,
I still immensely struggle with energy,
And well,
I feel so many forces,
Just make it,
So much more harmful,
So much harder for me..,

They’ll claim there is “NOT a friendship hierarchy”,
Yet,
They’ll order me,
And so often,
I’ll comply precisely,

And they’ll tell me to “shut up”,
Or somehow shut me down,
When I have a request of them,

Ohh..,
I feel,
They always feel a need to be above me,
And when I honestly,
Even politely keep it real,
They gaslight me,
And try to make it appear that it’s me who is “crazy”..,

They’ll do all they do to me,
They’ll never expect me to get angry,
Then conforming to their expectations and suppressing my true feelings will become harder and harder..,
And when I break they’ll be like,
“He’s too crazy”,

They just,
Can NOT admit,
The effects they have on me,
They just want to completely blame me,
So they do NOT feel worse insecurity,

Huhh..,
Who really knows..(?),
And I guess we can always learn more..(?),
And I guess a lot of it,
As for contexts like this..,
Doesn’t sufficiently matter..(?),

Yet I’m like,
How about we all make decisions..,
That’ll help all of us(?),
And we may talk and agree on it,
Yet we just,
Never seem to get to it,
We just,
Never seem to keep at it,
We end up feeling,
For whatever reasons,
That it’s just,
“Not worth it”..,

I guess it’s just how I often interpret lots of it..(?),

And as for me,
I feel,
I just had more than enough,
Of so much of it..,
Huhh..,
It’s just felt so hard,
Finding a sufficient,
Suitable,
Fit..,

And I keep going back to them,
Due to shared bad habits,
Due to them being the only friends who have ever been around,
The only friends I found,
And well,
Now once again,

So many of them,
Just decided to leave me,

I can NOT even get them to have a brief video chat with me..,
Huhhh..,
I hate having my neurodivergent learning challenges and social adversity..,

Huhhhh..,
They’ll say stuff I agree with,
Such as “not letting the past hold me back”,
Yet them,
Among so many,
Still make it so much harder for me,
To remain,
On a needed,
More helpful,
Track,

As always,
I’m doing all I can,
To sufficiently,
Safely,
remain,

On track

Only circle of friends NOW excluding me

They have time to spend with each other,
Yet when I ask to be included,
Many may say,
“Oh I’d love to but I’m just too busy man”,

And some may say,
“Yeah well you make people not want to be around you”,
Or,
“It’s a liability”..,
Or they’ll respond in whatever ways that may happen to make it more damagingly painful for me..,

It’s hard,
Feeling my one and only circle of friends,
Now like the others,
Just wants to exclude me,

Instead of acknowledging my conditions,
Instead of acknowledging that I was chill a majority of the time,
Instead of being the brothers they said they were going to be,

They now,
Like so many others,
Wish to exclude me,

And I am trying so hard,
To not let these painful rejections emotionally derail me,

This makes it additionally hard,
For me,
To keep,
My sanity,

Ohh..,
It feels so hard for me,
Feeling alone and excluded,
In my world views,
Opinions,
Labels and/or conditions,

Huhhhh..,

I just wish for better experiences,
I just wish for more peaceful inner sensations,
I just wish for more strength,
And more reasonable struggles if I had to choose between types of struggles,

Not saying others have it “easy”,
Yet,
I just wish,
To feel,
More fulfilled in whatever reality