I try to have confidence that does NOT exude aggression,
Yet,
sometimes my victim mentality,
may cause me to APPEAR aggressive instead of confident,
in order to try to make up for years and years of excessive anxiety in addition to learning challenges,
That other insecure ego forces would repeatedly use against me to try to feel a sense of “security” and/or control,
(My ego just clings and emotionally isolates itself through a true story pertaining to all those who wronged me..),
I just don’t like other egos messing with me out of their own insecurity that my ego did NOT feel to cause..,
So maybe my “victimized” ego is often ready to defend itself against those who are truly NOT a threat..(?),
Maybe my ego is ready to confront those who I can actually trust,
“Better safe than sorry”..,
Yet as for at least trying,
To feel less anxious,
To be LESS apologetic,
To feel more firm and confident,
Well,
I still feel I must keep at it,
Yet may building confidence,
Align my inner essential foundational awareness with increasing (inner) peaceful stillness,
To remain focused,
And NOT become triggered into hopeless reckless craziness over the next small moment of disrespect I may perceive,
May insignificant irrelevant bullshit NOT be the straw that breaks my back,
IRreparably off a helpful track,
Huhhh..,
I guess those are some feelings and/or interpretations I presently perceive,
?
Sometimes the readily available temptations help me conveniently block out those discomforting emotions even if the side-effects for later will overall make me feel a worse overall life experience..,
?
Shit..,
Even if I can’t “precisely” put it into words,
I still feel to experience,
Some form of REAL experience,
Was that a “non-sequitur”..(?),
Well,
May what I write be interpreted,
“For the better”
Zach Dana Writing 