So Often Already

Even though my ego seeks what it presently views as justice,
Well,
What will be the result of that energy..?

Will another bout of catharsis help anybody..?

Will blaming someone no longer in my life help stuff continue forward..?

Man..,

I just wish stuff felt LESS backwards..,

I wish my senses felt LESS painfully overloaded,
I wish I felt less “imbalanced”,
And more included,

So much coaching and prescribing just has NOT felt to be working,
And when I make the same mistakes of reaching out to those who feel I need more of what has NOT felt to be working..,

Well..,
The temptation to return to drinking,
Remains strengthened,

I’m criticized for my few mistakes that have been made public,
While remaining criticized by those who are more skilled at hiding their dark sides,

It’s easier,
To blame the more anxious and easy target,
Instead of admitting,
The hazing,
The ice bath that did NOT help increase my freeze tolerance,
The drinking challenges like the beer mile,
The death threat for reporting any of it..,
From the same martial artist who just laughed and laughed..,

Yet I must now stop “deflecting” by blaming those no longer in my life,
Sadly including,
Certain individuals,
Who I thought would be “brothers for life”..,

Shit..

I just thought I finally found a group that truly accepted me,
Yet once again,
It just mostly felt,
As another painful repetition of painful social history,
That I’m criticized for,
For ever “blaming” and “criticizing”..,

Of course it’s me who’s “not taking responsibility”..,

Man..,

I’ll keep trying,
As I feel to have,
So often already