That’s What’s Up

(Genre: Creative Writing (Please do NOT take this personally, thanks for reading as always)),

Okay..,

What else am I not allowed to say?

How will others judge and avoid me now?

I work hard,
Yet too often I feel to perceive that,
There’s always some intimidating arrogant individual,
Who has something to say,
That makes it harder for me to stay emotionally balanced and safely alert,
through another monotonous day..,

Yesterday,
I assumed that someone else assumed something maliciously against myself,

Just..(for example),
I’m not the cause of others misfortunes..,
And I find it sad that for whichever reason(s) within or out of our control to whichever extents..,
That several people appear to be unable to just stick around and have a polite conversation(!?),
Instead of angrily talking to themselves,
Instead of pretending to act nice and then saying something to intimidate me..?

If someone has a problem with me,
All the person has to do is communicate clearly and considerately,

Pointing out my innocent flaws,
Too often feels as to make me feel incapable,
Instead of teaching me how to correct them,

Pointing out harmless flaws,
Too often makes me feel more negative and debilitated,
And when the meanness feels to come from those who I feel to deeply admire and respect,
Yep..,
It makes me deeply infuriated..,

I don’t understand,
And to whichever degrees I may understand why people displace their rage onto me..,
Just has not often helped me with empathy..,
Because I just do NOT feel to be the reason why others feel trapped in deeply emotionally/physical pain..,

So if he/she/they could just leave me alone and complete what’s fairly expected,
I’d think we’d all more likely sleep better and remain more balanced..(!?),

And if something (directly pertaining to myself) is truly unfair of which I’m unaware,
Just..,
Politely tell me..,
How,
We can mutually function and avoid spiraling into easily avoidable destruction,

Therefore..,
Let’s be more aware of our intense emotions..,
So they LESS likely harm our ethical logic..,

And (as of now) I’m too scared to provide examples of those who I feel mad at,
Because pertaining to what’s occurring in their lives and making them take it out on me UNfairly,
I just can’t fix that..,

Regardless of the likelihood,
I still,
Presently,
Deeply fear that someone might try to send this blog post to someone with the hope of making he/she/they assume that I’m “referring” to he/she/they in a negative way that sparks some dangerous emotionally dysregulated intent that he/she/they can’t control which blasts my way..,

I just don’t want to feel this pointless,
unwarranted paranoia and rage at who I assume will never like me who I’m (also) forced to work with daily..,
How is civilization supposed to last without a sustained effort to discover/rediscover and/or develop and sustain positive comradery!?

Man..,
I feel that..,
Some people are just so provocative beyond words..,
Hence I’m once again anxiously struggling with words..,

I keep worrying,
“How will this person react to this?”,
“Will this person interpret what I’m trying to communicate in a way to others that turns several dangerously against me?”,

I feel to deeply know that worrying isn’t worth it,
Yet,
How I interpret others,
Too often sparks emotional reactions within myself that (feels to) too often make me want to remain by myself..(except for the small amount of those I trust),

And regardless if and/or if I’m not “chemically imbalanced”..,
Well..,
I’m sick of feeling instantly falsely judged that leads to pointless exclusion,
I’m sick of feeling not allowed to say stuff that is said right in front of me,

It’s just,
How am I supposed to make friends!?
If I’m instantly judged by the history or whatever it is that I did NOT cause..,

Come on..,
Just stop using my anxiety and/or any forms of weakness against me..,
Just stop..,

And even if the answer to making friends is obvious such as..,
“Just be yourself man”,
or..,
“Just be a nice guy man”,
or..,
“If you have more confidence then you’ll get more”..,
well..,

I show up,
I follow orders,
I’m a nice person,
Yet I still feel to receive a deeply unjustifiable amount of sarcasm,
Constant negative false assumptions,
Constant exclusive energy..,

And I want to be treated with the respect I try to provide for others..,

THAT’S ALL!!

Yet I just can’t change those who I’m forced to be around,
And (although I want to keep what I wrote),
I’m sick of feeling so provoked,
And feeling as if I have to waste so much time analyzing..,

However,
(And I apologize if this sounds “arrogant”, yet I just want to say that..),
I hope reading this helps with needed understanding,
To REDUCE torture and killing..,

I hope that reading this provides a reasonable reminder of needing to try to remember whatever, whenever and however it is we can fulfill our part to be a good,
kind and polite “straight-up” person..,

And (speaking for myself as always) it is hard,
Feeling that,
Even if it’s truly not others fault,
That several will still just..,
Not empathetically listen,

Well,
I’m still here,
Head up,
And that’s what’s up