Shit..,
I feel to once again be in such a dark place right now..,
Of which I just don’t feel I’ll come close to describing,
Well,
Thanks for continuing reading these posts,
Of course I guess(?) that there is infinitely more stuff to write about that can be worded infinitely clearer,
And I say that with the intent to reduce the pain and pressure I carry to “arrive” wherever,
Hence wherever I arrive,
There’s always somewhere further to travel..,
Right..?
And anyway,
Here is more of what I attempted to express;
So..,
Although I have free will,
there’s still that social pressure that weighs me down up any hill I must climb required to remain on a healthy decision making course,
Of course..,
I do try to take responsibility for my wellness while also hoping for others to be proud of me,
I feel provoked constantly,
I have been..,
Losing my temper repeatedly,
Resulting in those who I was trying to make proud of me,
additionally guilt tripping me,
Which hasn’t taught NOR reminded me how to take steps to peacefully heal the emotional intensity yet instead has felt to,
Add additional negativity,
Adding more stress and sleep-deprivation,
Making me more susceptible to heavy medication (that of which (speaking for myself) has also felt to overall be harmful..),
Even though I can make my own choices and decisions,
Others still have a lot of power,
influences and expectations of me,
And no matter how hard I try,
And no matter how clear I communicate my needs to them,
I still can NOT change how they relate to me,
NOR what they’ll always expect of me (which additionally emotionally ways within me..),
And I can’t just instantly “not care” what others think of me,
And if not caring what others thought of me was that easy then I clearly wouldn’t waste any energy wondering how they’re viewing me,
Yet of course,
Especially in moments of emotional vulnerability (such as feeling a deep need for empathy),
It can feel extremely hard constantly,
And since I just might likely remain around others who will hurt me even when I’m in deeply fragile moments of emotional vulnerability,
Well,
I keep waiting for the pain to pass eventually,
Of course (I feel that) several others will (most likely) always try to justify ways they treat me in response to me trying to let them know how they’re ACTUALLY hurting and damaging me,
And although I can’t change them,
Although they might never be able to admit how they’re truly affecting me,
(Although several might remain too emotionally fragile (and/or insecure) to admit they’re wrong..),
At least,
As I continue to hope,
at some point in time,
I’ll again,
Be feeling more at peace,
(More often..),
Yeah..,
I’m still wondering if I’ll live up to my potential in whichever preferable form(s) and extent(s),
Yet regardless,
I still keep hoping for more peace,
While in whichever sentient form,
Of whichever future peaceful present moment,
And although I still deeply doubt my ability to presently express how I’m feeling,
I hope that made at least some helpful sense,
And as always,
Thanks for reading!
Zach Dana Writing 