I feel that;

(Whether it’s pertaining to myself, world issues, and/or whatever it is about whatever),
The more I waste time trying to correct others who I see to have it “wrong”,

(Aside from the fact that I truly feel I’ll NEVER be able to fully change anyone’s deeply solidified firmly held beliefs..),

Essentially..,
The MORE energy I waste trying to “change” others,
The LESS energy I’ll use to further attempt experiencing the most meaningful life my potential may allow..,

Although I feel that NOT everyone who disagrees with me is “bad” or “toxic”..,
I guess(?) that one way I can (still) describe it as,
Is that;

All I can do is follow my truth,
while avoiding others who might force their “truth” onto me,
without ever realizing the limiting and damaging affects it’s TRULY having on me..,
..
because truthfully,
that might be too hard for their belief clinging and “needing to be ‘right’ about everything” egos to handle..(!?),

So I’d say,
That a better use of my energy could be,
To keep trying to AVOID trying to change others who are harmful for me to spend time around,
While continually attempting to build community among those who TRULY aspire in a similar direction of working to continually deepen an experience of a life we deeply agree is meaningfully possible,

And yes,
I certainly feel this is NOT easy,
I certainly feel to have failed constantly,
I certainly feel a need to remain more aware and safe from dangerous manipulative forces of hypocrisy,
in addition to continually attempting to avoid anyone who is straight-up damaging for me..,

Yet essentially,
May I waste less energy by fixating on those who “see it differently”,
While INSTEAD focusing more on further aligning myself with any forms of meaningful truth that (therefore) speaks deeper to me,

(While (for example) only focusing on any of those who disagree if (and only IF) any of them happens to be largely trying to control me and/or any I deeply care about (who I’m able to help) in ways that clearly damage and/or brutally limit me (and/or any of those I deeply care about (who I’m (therefore) able to help))),

So essentially,
As I’m trying to emphasize,
May I waste less energy on trying to change those who disagree,
While INSTEAD focusing on aligning myself with what I believe,
More and more fulfillingly,

And as always,
I’ll keep trying,
And as always,
Thanks for reading!!

(More Dialogue Practice)

(Disclaimer: As usual, to reduce chances of anyone feeling offended, I just want to make it clear that this is a creative writing practice, and is truly NOT intended to be taken personally. As always, thanks for the positive support!)

Person #1: I’m telling you what you need to hear.
Person #2: And what I’m hearing is that you’re just criticizing me to try bringing me down to feel “above” me!
Person #1: No!! I’m trying to help you learn ways you need to help yourself!
Person #2: You’re seizing the opportunity to talk shit to an easy target such as myself because I’m less intimidating, more anxious, and because you want to feel what it’s like being on the opposite end of the shittalking that you constantly feel to receive yourself!!
Person #1: What are you talking about!?
Person #2: There you go.. just keep gaslighting me instead of being honest..
Person #1: I’m lost.
Person #2: Yeah I know you are you fucking shitass fuck!

(Short fictional dialogue practice)

(Disclaimer: I just would like to make it clear that this is a creative writing hypothetical I thought of, and is therefore NOT intended to be taken personally. And to try reducing chances of anyone taking this personally, I just wanted to try being very clear about that. Aside from that, thanks for reading this!),

Person #1: You’re not giving me advice to help me. You’re giving me advice, because you like hearing yourself talk!
Person #2: No bro, I’m trying to help!
Person #1: Sure.. Like I haven’t heard the need for “having more confidence” a billion fucking times already!?
Person #2: Oh fuck off!!
Person #1: Yeah I knew you never cared.
Person #2: Dah fuck!?
Person #1: You give me non-stop advice, without realizing I already clearly understand everything you’re telling me, and without realizing how much you ignore what I’m telling you.
Person #2: Bullshit!!
Person #1: No! It’s the truth! I’ll come to vent to you about how I feel to have been deeply struggling, and instead of truly listening and saying “I feel you”, you’ll instantly be like “Okay so here’s what you gotta do. It’s like—”, or, you’ll get pissed off, yet ultimately, you’ll make me feel worse than before I tried reaching out to you!
Person #2: At least show some fucking appreciation of my efforts to help! And just so you know, you’re always talking about yourself. You have an overly inflated sense of victimhood! And aside from all your other problems, you’re so fucking sensitive that you just push others away!
Person #1: You call yourself a “friend”!!!? I hope you’re.. as you say.. “joking”.
Person #2: No, I’m keeping it real with you.
Person #1: You’re being a real asshole yet somehow it’s me who’s the “bad guy”.
Person #2: I’m just saying.. you have to chill out!!
Person #1: Getting pissed at me for being hypersensitive won’t help reduce it!
Person #2: Just go fucking meditate or something..!?
Person #1: Way to not make fun of it..
Person #2: Well isn’t that what you suggest!?
Person #1: I never claimed to be an expert at that!
Person #2: Well isn’t that what you “believe” you must do..?
Person #1: You know what!?
Person #2: You’re weird and a pain in the ass?
Person #1: You are so fucking lucky you don’t have autism, and that you didn’t have to live the life I did.. Like, you have no fucking idea!
Person #2: Dude fucking try to better yourself! Just because you’re “autistic” doesn’t mean I’m going to hold your hand through life!!
Person #1: I’m just asking you to not be a dickhead!!
Person #2: And I’m just letting you know that if you want to be treated like anyone else, if you fuck up more, you’ll get treated worse. The world’s not going to baby you because you have more “special needs”.
Person #1: Wow.. thanks for the compassionate understanding.
Person #2: It’s the truth.
Person #1: The truth is that I should stop emotionally opening up to you because you always say something that makes me feel so much worse as a result!!
Person #2: So as you just said, therefore, just fucking stop coming to me for support! I’m going to respond the way I respond whether you like it or not!
Person #1: That’s the other thing! I don’t have any other friends!! So who else will I turn to!?
Person #2: That’s on you.. and what about all the successful autistic people who are out there!?
Person #1: They haven’t had the same experiences! You can’t judge someone by their group either! And you’re indicating very few examples.
Person #2: Well they can be an example for you!
Person #1: On fuck off!!

Person #1 attacks Person #2 who instantly knocks out Person #1.

(Genre: Dialogue Practice/A short play.. (I guess..(?))),

Meanwhile, during a heated disagreement..

Person #1: They were there first!!
Person #2: They moved in after the others kicked them out!!
Person #3: It doesn’t matter, aside from being a good person, we’re not responsible for what our ancestors did!
Person #2: War makes money..
Person #1: It’s self-defense!
Person #2: Oh sure..
Person #3: If you two idiots want to get involved, leave me out of it!! I find it sad as well, yet I’ve had enough of feeling in the middle of social drama I didn’t cause.. so the last thing I need is to give any attention to macro political social drama of which I have ZERO control over!
Person #1: Well at least we care!
Person #2: Yeah man!! The evilest thing to do is to allow evil to occur while remaining silent!!
Person #3: Get the fuck out!! I ain’t responsible for what I didn’t cause!! I have enough personal shit I’m dealing with now! And what happened to investing in peace!? What happened to peaceful welcoming coexistence!? And how is getting mad at each other going to help with anything!?
Person #2: Bahahaha! You talk about “peace” while sounding more angry than us! Hahaha!
Person #1: He’s got a point dude, and what are you going to do if you’re attacked, be like, “love is the answer”!? You crack me up bro, for real.
Person #3: What I’m going to do, is get the fuck out of here, starting now.

Person #3 walks away..

(Genre: Short Fictional Dialogue)

Person #1: Hey hey hey!! Stop!! You’re embarrassing yourself!
Person #2: Well it’s better to fail than not try right!?
Person #1: Dude no!! You’re gonna regret this! Please stop!
Person #2: No! I’ve been quiet and anxious for too long!!
Person #1: All I’m saying is to slow down!!
Person #2: And all I’m saying is that too much of life has passed me by!!
Person #1: You’re making a mistake!!
Person #2: You’re giving terrible advice.. what happened to “not caring what others think!?”, like.. why let the negative viewpoints of others hold me back!? For real!!
Person #1: It’s not that.. it’s just if you act foolish there will be consequences!
Person #2: I’m ignoring you..
Person #1: Wait!!
Person #2: Nope..

(Please do NOT take this personally. As for the names, they have been randomly selected and do NOT intend to “depict” anyone I know in real life. As always, thanks for reading! And thanks for the sincere and positive support!),
(Genre: I guess a short play..(?)),
(Other note: I’m not really too sure if this is that good, however, I just thought I’d post it anyway.. Thanks again for the support! Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!),

Meanwhile, while Jake’s Dad visits his mom’s house on the early afternoon of Christmas Day..

Jake: I’m sorry I’m being an asshole yet I’m trying to be honest.
Jake’s Dad: Honesty is most important.
Jake: No, if honesty makes us feel irreparably worse it’s not needed. Sorry for being an asshole.
Jake’s Dad: My apologies Jake.
Jake: And why would Terra get me a cookbook without considering that I can’t afford any of the ingredients!?
Jake’s sister: She was just trying to get you something nice!
Jake: I understand but even with the George Foreman grill, it’s not like anyone will be stopping by for a barbeque! I have zero friends! No one wants to hang out with me!
Jake’s sister: You still have to understand that there wasn’t any malevolent intent! She was trying to do something nice!
Jake: I understand, but you have to have consideration about how it’ll make the person feel when receiving it! Will it stress them out!? Like I open the book and I see all this elaborate information!
Jake’s Dad: Those are just fractions Jake..
Jake: Okay fine I’ll stop being negative.
Jake’s Dad: Let’s change the subject.

Jake stands up from one of the living room couches, walks upstairs to his bedroom and paces around thinking to himself.. He then decides to go back downstairs.

Jake: You know what!? I’m sick of suppressing how I truly feel in order to try making others like me! I’m sick of being too scared to be honest! And to be honest, I feel angry that you didn’t listen to me when I tried making it clear that I did NOT want a TV!
Jake’s Dad: Well, I thought that since you like to watch Spongebob and movies on your iPhone, you’d like to have it..
Jake: I’m trying to have less screen time! And I don’t want my living space dominated by a giant screen! I don’t! And I’m angry because I feel I could have made that more clear, yet I didn’t because I didn’t want you to get frustrated with me!
Jake’s Dad: I’m sorry for not listening enough Jake.
Jake: And I’m sorry for being an asshole! Yet I just have to do a better job at communicating my needs!! People are like “oh, he won’t mind..”, and it’s not fair to me!
Jake’s Dad: I’m really sorry Jake, I should have listened better.

Jake angrily walks upstairs.. He then feels bad for what he said, and then decides to walk back downstairs while trying to act in better holiday spirits..

Jake: Look, I’ll try to make it work, I’m sorry for acting crazy, I’m just really sick of my life.. I hate my job.. I hate it when I try to open up to people, to then just receive a bunch of opinionated advice that makes me feel alone with my feelings! I keep foolishly expecting support from those who are ready to give criticism for the sole purpose of trying to enjoy feeling as if they’re listening to themselves confidently expressing their “correct” viewpoints with zero regard to how much they’re actually making me feel misunderstood and worse.. Several who know what it means to empathetically listen just chose not to.. And I doubt it’s empathy fatigue.. I feel that several are just insecure and are wanting to hear themselves give “helpful” advice (which is actually arrogant opinions) more than anything.. It pisses me off and just makes me deeply sad and feeling more alone with how I initially felt..
Jake’s Dad: You’re right Jake. That’s what people seem to default to when we’re honest with them. Most people are not in a place to have that kind of deep empathy for others. It’s too bad.
Jake: Even though I’m trying to be more honest, I’ll really try working with what you felt I’d like. Given how rough stuff has been between us recently, I now (as expected) feel really bad for being an asshole. I’m sorry.
Jake’s Dad: It’s okay buddy.

Jake sits on the couch while continuing to talk with his Dad and sister..

Jake: Look, I just have to reduce the expectations I have of people being there for me.. When I open up to people, I too often feel worse after hearing what they have to say in response. So I just have to learn to not expect much from them, so I’m less likely to feel as deeply let down by them..
Jake’s sister: That’s something hard that I also had to learn.
Jake: I’m having a terrible fucking Christmas!
Jake’s sister: That’s the spirit!!
Jake: I’m just so done with my life..
Jake’s Dad: I know you’re having a rough time Jake.
Jake: Look, when I’d screw up when I was young, you’d hold me accountable. Now, in addition to holding myself accountable, I’m going to do that for others. Even if the resulting outcomes are more risky, I’m still just so done trying to please others while neglecting my needs, such as avoiding telling them how I honestly feel, just so I can try to have them “like” me. Look, I’m sorry for the way I acted. It’s just, for a long time now, I felt I have been too much of an easygoing people pleaser, and the anger just erupted.
Jake’s Dad: Well you seem somewhat more relaxed now and able to reflect more on your recent behavior. What would you say is now different?
Jake: I would say I’m more aware of the feelings that are passing within me as opposed to being as much under their unconscious control. Since I’m more able to witness my feelings, those feelings are not contaminating my view of reality to the same extent. It’s about being able to distinguish between an intense feeling and reality. And even if the feelings are valid, it’s still best to be more aware of them so I’m less painfully in their control. It takes practice of course..
Jake’s Dad: Well I’m glad you’re more relaxed now.
Jake: Look, I’ll try to chill out more. Although I’m trying to be more honest and straight-up with people, I’ll still try to relax so I don’t get myself into serious trouble, and so I don’t feel too bad in general.. I guess..? And I guess I’ll therefore try to accept more of what I can’t change in order to feel less unexpectedly let down by the reality I encounter.
Jake’s Dad: I’m going to get going.
Jake: Remember to take the gratitude poem I wrote you.
Jake’s Dad: I will.

Jake’s Dad stands up and hugs Jake goodbye as they wish each other a Merry Christmas. And Jake’s Dad gladly takes the poem that Jake wrote for him which reads;

“‘Along the Way’

Hi Dad,

Thank you for helping me sustain an ability to think critically,
Thank you for sustaining more kindness and patience than most have had for me,

When most would rather not hang out with me,
Thank you for continuing to enthusiastically invite me,

When most others would probably truly wish more harm onto me,
Thank you for holding me accountable compassionately,

When most wouldn’t ever even slightly consider giving a fuck about me,
Thank you for still having empathy,

I’m glad you made it through your surgery among all of your personal deeply challenging obstacles,
I’m glad you have the strength to keep going with your head held high,

I view you as a well-intentioned strong and tough guy!

And aside from challenges I still may grapple with personally,
Thanks for properly raising me,

If it wasn’t for you among a certain few,
I may not be here today,
So thank you,
For helping and continuing to help me,
Along the way,

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays Dad!!

-Jake”

To be honest,
Instead of being in a Christmas spirit,
My spirit is fixating on a bunch of unfortunate personal bullshit,

I apologize for being negative,
Yet I’m trying to be honest that,
Although I’m hanging in there,
Although I have a lot to be grateful for,

Well,
I’m still feeling quite down on life,
While watching others who I’ve felt hurt by,
Get ahead in life,

Dammit!!

Well..,
At least,
The pain will pass,
Such as living a life,
That feels to suck ass,

Merry Christmas 🎄

As always,
Thanks for reading these

(Genre: A short one part play (I guess..(?)),
(Disclaimer: Please do not take this personally. Thanks for reading! And happy holidays!!),

Person #1: I’m sick of being an anxious people pleaser.
Person #2: And how have you felt to be a people pleaser?
Person #1: Well, essentially I’m sick of being the quiet and anxious target of bullying. Maybe “people pleaser” is not the best way to describe it in this context..?
Person #2: Yes, bullying is something you appear to have felt in your perception.
Person #1: In my “perception”..? What’s that supposed to mean?
Person #2: Something you feel too have received a lot of.
Person #1: But you say “perception” as if you’re implying I’m “misperceiving” stuff..
Person #2: No, I’m expressing how I’m interpreting what you’re saying.
Person #1: You feel I’m full of shit huh?
Person #2: Well I haven’t seen you get bullied.
Person #1: Well, it tends to occur when zero caregivers are present. It tends to occur when the bullies catch you alone.
Person #2: I see.
Person #1: No you don’t..
Person #2: Well how else do you want me to respond?
Person #1: Just say “I feel you”. Maybe show some empathy INSTEAD of dismissive impatience!?
Person #2: Well do you not want my honest opinion or not?
Person #1: All I’m saying is that when I feel challenged in response to emotionally opening up to someone, it adds emotional pain of feeling negatively judged and misunderstood in addition to the pain of feeling bullied that I came to the person to express, with the hope of receiving empathy instead of feeling questioned and challenged.
Person #2: Maybe it’s best that I don’t say anything then huh?
Person #1: Well, if anything you don’t need to get sarcastic!!
Person #2: Oh stop!
Person #1: Why don’t you stop!?
Person #3: Guys! It’s Christmas! Please stop arguing!
Person #2: I don’t want to spend Christmas with someone who doesn’t like me!

As Person #2 marches out of the living room, Person #3 has Person #1 come out of the living room to talk in a separate room to try diffusing the social tension..

Person #3: He’s trying to relate to you, he just doesn’t know how.
Person #1: Well if he keeps saying stuff that makes me feel worse he should stop trying..
Person #3: Just give him time.
Person #1: No, I have been too patient with people who make me feel worse after trying to socialize with them.. I’m done.. I’m done.. I hate having autism! I fucking hate it!

Person #3 gives Person #1 a hug while he cries..

If you’re a good Christian then thoughts and prayers I’ll gladly receive this holiday season,

Yep,

I’m down on my neurodivergent life again,

Yeah I did some stuff I’ll most probably regret once again,

Welp,
At least I’m still here..

Oh man..,
It really pisses me off,
Right here and alone with my neurodivergence,
While thinking of her and that goofy man out living life..,

Fuck my fucking life!!

Yeah I been trying to properly let go,
Yet I been feeling to constantly fall down in deeper and deeper discouragement,
And it’s felt so hard..,
Knowing that if I act out,
I’ll most likely become blasted down more than ever before,

God dammit!!

I feel I’m out and ruining the moment while the woman I’m still obsessed with and her man are beautifully connecting and traveling the fucking world in their fucking happily ever after moments!!

FUCK!!

Others look at me and roll their eyes while they’re building their love life and the life of the parties..,

Man..,
I want to fuck that dude up so bad..,
Yet if I do I’ll just get fucked up even more..,

And yeah I know I should stop checking in to see how her seemingly far easier and more fulfilling life is doing!!

Dammit!!

No..,
I’m not in a holiday spirit,
And I feel most people who claim to be good Christians are full of shit,

Yes,
I know I have a lot to be grateful for,
Yet I’m by myself in socially awkward misery to a painful degree that I’ll never feel able to describe in words preferably..,

God dammit..,

Well,
Merry Christmas,
Happy Holidays,
Happy New Year,

I don’t have any resolutions,
Other than to become more and more of the straight up well-intentioned man I’ve always wished to be,
Instead of the usual anxious awkward guy others would wish to bully and who woman would find off and creepy..,

Sorry for my victim mentality,
And although I believe in cultivating compassion ultimately,
Well..,

Fuck her,
Fuck him,
And fuck my previous life,
And may it feel better,

Forever and ever