(Please do NOT take this personally.),

(Genre: I guess it’s a short one part play (?)),

The one and only Part 1:

Person #1: I’ve been very stressed again. These other goals I have are side-tracking my career goals. It pisses me off!
Person #2: Please notice how you’re sounding right now. It adds stress.
Person #1: I’m pissed off!!
Person #2: How come?
Person #1: Seriously!?
Person #2: Please don’t talk to me like that.
Person #1: I just told you why I’m upset!!
Person #2: Why is that?
Person #1: You can’t be serious!?
Person #2: What?
Person #1: I’m feeling bad, and I got mad because you acted like you had no idea what I was talking about after I made it so clear as for why I’m stressed, and instead of acknowledging that, you tell me how my tone of voice is causing you “stress” while completely ignoring what I’m venting to you about!
Person #2: Please don’t yell at me..
Person #1: Holy fuck!!
Person #2: I asked you to not yell at me.
Person #1: You’re not listening!
Person #2: Please stop yelling at me.

Person #1 flips a table.

Person #2: I’ll get your medication.

Person #1: Ahhhhh!!
Person #2: No, this is unacceptable.
Person #1: I can’t believe how oblivious and controlling you’re acting now!!?

(Re-posted)

(Genre: A short one part Play (?) and/or dialogue practice),
(Disclaimer: Please do NOT take this personally. The names have been randomly selected.),

The one and only Part 1:

Erik: You make people not want to be around you!
Jerry: You’re a great friend, you know that!?
Erik: I’m telling you how it is.
Jerry: No, your ego is looking to lash out at someone because it feels insecure.
Erik: What are you talking about?
Jerry: Makes sense.. You really wouldn’t know.
Erik: What the fuck?
Jerry: You don’t understand.
Erik: Why are you being an ass!?
Jerry: Because it’s an involuntary emotional response to how you’re treating me!
Erik: I’m not being mean!
Jerry: You are, you just don’t see it.
Erik: WRONG!
Jerry: Okay.. I’ve been taking it for too long.
Erik: Taking what?
Jerry: You wouldn’t understand.
Erik: You seem delusional.
Jerry: What the hell is with you!?
Erik: Huh?
Jerry: Never mind.
Erik: Why are you acting like a little bitch!?
Jerry: Okay.. You’re crazy, we’re done.
Erik: Wait what?

Jerry ends the video call, blocks Erik, then deletes his number.

Based on what my present perceptions appear to be telling me, I feel a need to additionally try communicating that I feel that;

For example;
The more I overthink and the more I struggle to emotionally regulate myself,
the harder it can be to say what’s most essential and impactful..,
so therefore,
if and/or when I may feel a strong need to advocate for myself (in a clear and concise way),
I must emotionally recenter myself to increase chances of clearly seeing what words are most needed to be used for my safety and well-being among those who may dangerously easily misjudge me,

And of course the building frustration of feeling frequently misunderstood,
Might increase chances of me acting in ways,
That results in consequences (in addition to painfully feeling even MORE misunderstood),
That just add more avoidable pain,
That does nothing other than additionally irreparably damages me,

And yes,
May I gradually let go of unreasonable expectations,
Such as of others empathizing with me (who might likely always view me as “too weird” and/or “batshit crazy”),

As always,
I hope for stuff to feel easier,

And may I reduce internal pressure of struggling to have others understand me who never will,
With one result being,
Coming across as,
Less overwhelmed by internal pressure,
Less stressed,
Less crazy,
And of course,

More peaceful,

More chill,

And therefore,
May we keep climbing over any hill,

Regardless,
Thanks for reading this!

Based on what my present perceptions appear to be telling me, I feel a need to additionally try communicating that I feel that;

Even though I have the potential for a lot more, well,
for example,
at least I made a lot of writing that remains public, which I guess indicates at least some attempt to positively impact whoever might come across any of it at whichever point in time..(?),

So if I tragically become unable to reach (any of) my overall potential,
If I tragically fail to come close to creating a helpful impact of what might be possible,
At least I have made a decent amount or writing public,

That I still hope can have (if it hasn’t already),
At least some helpful impact for whoever may need it,

And again,
Thanks for reading this

Based on what my perceptions appear to be telling me, I feel a need to additionally try communicating that I feel that;

(For one, not to “blame others” for my hyper reactive social/emotional (and/or environmental) response tendencies.. HOWEVER..),

For example;
(Regardless of how much we may presently agree and/or disagree pertaining to whatever it is..),
People seem to have unique and unexpected (and other times painfully expected) ways of pissing me off,

Therefore,
I guess(?) that (for example) there’s always a new form and degree of what someone can do that’ll irritate,
painfully intimidate and/or infuriate me..,

Yet..,
I’ll keep noticing my breathing among other internal sensations,
to reduce chances of painfully losing myself in powerful forces of dysregulated (and/or deeply provoked) emotions,
As they continue to pass through me,

May I remain more and more peacefully on the shore as I witness the strong current(s) pass,

And may I keep (at least trying to) internally peacefully develop myself to (as a result) remain on a career and/or whichever path that’s more beneficial for myself including whoever else that could mutually depend on..(?),

Yep,
I’ll therefore continue on

(As always, thanks for reading!)

(Here is something additional that I briefly felt a need to type then share. Thanks as always for the readership support!),

In my presently held belief,
I’d like to try sharing that I feel (a need to remind myself among whoever may need to be reminded) that;

As for being sufficiently ethically considerately aware of how we affect others,

I wish more would more empathetically realize,
that what feels to help them,
can be harmful for others who may naturally react differently,

so again,
instead of unconsciously forcing our beliefs and/or ways onto others,
may more of us,
More peacefully,
meaningfully (and/or happily) aspire,
to understand how we (for one) are affecting ourselves such as by what we tell ourselves which INCLUDES how we relate to others,
(Because what we tell ourselves internally we (at least more likely) give off externally right..?),

And even if me writing this excessively comes across as narcissistically idealistic,
I still hope that what I feel is practical (and NEEDED to be understood),
Can be taken away from reading this,

And as always,
Thanks for reading this!

Once again,
my struggles with hyper-reactive emotions have threw me off track,
and others’ frustration,
dissenting (yet more mainstream) viewpoints and frequent condescending (and/or) impatient advice has made it harder to come back..,

I’m so overwhelmed,
And (therefore) my thinking has been spirling all over the place,
and (speaking for myself (and aside from how I’m NOT against taking certain (psychiatric) drugs briefly in an emergency)) I made it clear (and would like to briefly repeat)) that more psychiatric medication has also NOT felt to help lead me to a more egoless and internal peaceful destination,

(And regardless of others’ experiences and opinions,
Even if mine is far different and far less mainstream,
I still wish more others would more compassionately listen instead of angrily dismissing them),

And at least I haven’t given up on the journey,
and as always thanks for reading these,
and (as for certain individuals who have) thanks for sincerely positively supporting me,
as I continue to navigate through all this pain and negativity,

Thanks again for reading these!!

And even though I’m overwhelmed again,
At least I’m somewhat aware of it,
Which luckily feels to be at least somewhat,
Reducing my chances,
Of dangerously losing my needed survival awareness within it,

Yep,
I’ll keep going

Speaking based on my understanding of how I have been feeling;

Counting my blessings hasn’t felt to instantly heal emotional pain (if at all instantly),

I know I have good health,
A place to live,
A job,
Nourishment..,

Yes..,
There have been times when I have more deeply appreciated what I’m blessed to have,

Yet..,
As of now,
I still feel..,
Very sad,

And this sadness has been making it hard for me to be there for others,
This sadness has been preventing me from accessing more of my potential,

And although I’m not deeply paranoid like I was recently,
This sadness is not what I prefer either,

(And aside from my belief of trying to appreciate more of the perpetual present moment..),
This sadness is still,
Obviously NOT the end result of what I decided to work for,

However,
I’ll continue,
To remain strong as I continue on,

Yep

Shit..,
I feel to once again be in such a dark place right now..,
Of which I just don’t feel I’ll come close to describing,

Well,
Thanks for continuing reading these posts,
Of course I guess(?) that there is infinitely more stuff to write about that can be worded infinitely clearer,
And I say that with the intent to reduce the pain and pressure I carry to “arrive” wherever,

Hence wherever I arrive,
There’s always somewhere further to travel..,
Right..?

And anyway,
Here is more of what I attempted to express;

So..,

Although I have free will,
there’s still that social pressure that weighs me down up any hill I must climb required to remain on a healthy decision making course,

Of course..,
I do try to take responsibility for my wellness while also hoping for others to be proud of me,

I feel provoked constantly,
I have been..,
Losing my temper repeatedly,
Resulting in those who I was trying to make proud of me,
additionally guilt tripping me,

Which hasn’t taught NOR reminded me how to take steps to peacefully heal the emotional intensity yet instead has felt to,
Add additional negativity,
Adding more stress and sleep-deprivation,
Making me more susceptible to heavy medication (that of which (speaking for myself) has also felt to overall be harmful..),

Even though I can make my own choices and decisions,
Others still have a lot of power,
influences and expectations of me,

And no matter how hard I try,
And no matter how clear I communicate my needs to them,
I still can NOT change how they relate to me,
NOR what they’ll always expect of me (which additionally emotionally ways within me..),

And I can’t just instantly “not care” what others think of me,
And if not caring what others thought of me was that easy then I clearly wouldn’t waste any energy wondering how they’re viewing me,
Yet of course,
Especially in moments of emotional vulnerability (such as feeling a deep need for empathy),
It can feel extremely hard constantly,

And since I just might likely remain around others who will hurt me even when I’m in deeply fragile moments of emotional vulnerability,

Well,
I keep waiting for the pain to pass eventually,

Of course (I feel that) several others will (most likely) always try to justify ways they treat me in response to me trying to let them know how they’re ACTUALLY hurting and damaging me,

And although I can’t change them,
Although they might never be able to admit how they’re truly affecting me,

(Although several might remain too emotionally fragile (and/or insecure) to admit they’re wrong..),

At least,
As I continue to hope,
at some point in time,
I’ll again,
Be feeling more at peace,

(More often..),

Yeah..,
I’m still wondering if I’ll live up to my potential in whichever preferable form(s) and extent(s),
Yet regardless,
I still keep hoping for more peace,
While in whichever sentient form,
Of whichever future peaceful present moment,

And although I still deeply doubt my ability to presently express how I’m feeling,
I hope that made at least some helpful sense,
And as always,
Thanks for reading!

Oh that rage is ready to say stuff that another part of me will regret subsequently,

That rage has been building and building,
And is ready to self-destruct for attention,

That rage is ready,
Yet here I am,
Noticing it,
While not (as much) in the grip of it,

Yet even though I’m aware of it,
Sometimes it feels so painful that I’m like “fuck it”,
And then I’ll give in to it as it makes me appear as a dangerous unhinged hypomanic idiot,

Yeah I have felt to have taken a lot of unnecessary shit,
And of course holding it,
Feeds the rage,
As it grows and grows in the (of course I’ll use this rhyme..) cage..,

And yeah so therefore,
It’ll break the cage,
And blast out of me even while knowing that’ll significantly increase the possibility of me spending the rest of my life in a cage of pain that’s horrific beyond words,

Yet the rage does not care,
Because,
The rage,
Feels too much pain already,

So of course my rage will not regard the possibilities of the most brutal consequences imaginable,
Because the rage already feels too unbearable,

Yet at least I’m now aware of it,
While NOT doing anything NOR saying anything I may likely regret,

At least I’m somewhat aware of it