Aside from what I could have done differently to improve every single writing post,
Of course it can always be improved more,
So may I become more relaxed and comfortable with what is already posted..,

And to be honest I’ve been getting obsessively focused on number of posts again,
So this post right here is probably way less than what I’m capable of..,

Yet,
I’ll just add it anyway,
While trying to accept more that it’s “never good enough”,
In order to feel more peaceful and less painfully frustrated with myself,

So therefore,
Sometimes I guess it is just “whatever”,
Which doesn’t have to be bad,
If I peacefully accept it right ?

Anyway,
Thanks for reading!

I don’t fucking know what to say other than today is another day,
Miserable in a new and unexpected way,

Yes I expect to feel better eventually,
Yet there’s always something additional that bothers me,

That makes the moment pointlessly more challenging than necessary,

And is overcoming every obstacle truly “necessary”?
Like how long do I truly “need” to challenge myself to be the “best version of myself”..(!?),

Sometimes overcoming stuff feels rewarding,
And yes,
Other times it has felt,
Very pointless and frustrating,

I’m like..,
Just so done with the bullshit..,
So done with all the setbacks that slow me down and/or throw me off track,

Yet as always,
I’ll just keep coming back

Speaking based on how I feel in general;

Sometimes,
If has zero effect on me,

Other times,
It deeply derails me,

Sometimes,
I can look at it and feel nothing,

Other times when I look at it,
I painfully dwell on it,
And just..,
Fail to function,

Sometimes,
I accept it while thinking practically nothing of it,

Other times,
It fills me with so much anger,
Causing me to just wait for my life to be over,

Yet,
Regardless of any affects it presently has on me,
I’ll keep going,
Perpetually

(Please do NOT take this personally),
(Also, please do NOT hack this, I have a right to openly express myself),

Jerry: Let’s not have this take on a life of its own!!
Erik: I’m just saying I want to be treated kindly! I don’t want anyone to brag about how successful they are. It was totally irrelevant!!
Jerry: She’s been on edge lately, it’s not all about you and your needs.
Erik: How is it selfish to request being treated with respect!?
Jerry: She’s not being disrespectful. She’s setting boundaries.
Erik: Bragging about her success has nothing to do with reminding me that she’s unable to talk at certain hours! And I’m on a later schedule! And if you can’t talk, why not shut your phone off and get back to me tomorrow and politely list the only times available if at all!! There’s no need for bragging!!
Jerry: You are really stressing me out! Please stop!
Erik: You’re ignoring everything I’m saying! I’ve always been so kind and patient towards her! And since she’s being a bitch again.. I just don’t want to be around her!
Jerry: Don’t you use that word!
Erik: Way to not ignore what I just said!
Jerry: Would your mother like you using that word?
Erik: No! And I’m sorry, but that has nothing to do with what I’m trying to tell you!
Jerry: Don’t ever say that word again!
Erik: What is wrong with you!? You wanted me to not focus on dramatic specifics yet you’re sidetracking this whole conversation by nitpicking words I’m using because you can’t admit that she’s being mean to me.
Jerry: She’s done way more for you than you realize!
Erik: I never said she hasn’t been supportive! I’m just saying I didn’t like the way she decided to respond after I reached out! She went on a power trip and I didn’t deserve to be talked to that way!
Jerry: Well she was the one who suggested to me that you see your step father before he passed, so you should be more grateful.
Erik: Even if she didn’t suggest that I don’t think that would have prevented me from going on the trip! If anything mom would have suggested it and you would have agreed!
Jerry: All I’m saying is that you need to be more appreciative of ways she’s helped you.
Erik: And all I’m saying is that she did not need to dismissively say that it was inappropriate of me to reach out to her when I did because she instead could have said nothing!
Jerry: Erik, she has been under stress!
Erik: Well I just forgot and I told her I’m reaching out to her because I didn’t want to bother mom while she’s making arrangements! So she didn’t need to get mad at me for reaching out to her!
Jerry: Erik, just stop.. this is getting to be too much.
Erik: Oh come on! If someone was talking to you the way you’re talking to me right now you wouldn’t like it!
Jerry: That’s it Erik, I’m done with hearing you whine and complain over nothing.
Erik: Oh fuck off!!

Jerry ends the video chat, then Erik stands up and screams by himself in his bedroom.

Person #1: She felt condescended towards when they sent her their resumes.
Person #2: They weren’t trying to be condescending, they were trying to look after my basic needs! It came from a place of wanting to share and understand, NOT arrogantly condescend!!
Person #1: I need you to stop being dramatic.
Person #2: And I need you to understand what I’m saying!
Person #1: That’s it! I’m hanging up!
Person #2: Oh fuck yo—

Person #1 hangs up the phone..

Person #1: Okay ignore what I just said..
Person #2: I heard what you said!!
Person #1: So why’d you just instantly change the subject!?
Person #1: You know what? I don’t want to be treated like this!
Person #2: And look at how quickly this escalated..
Person #1: Hey!!
Person #2: And here we go again.

Person #2 leaves the room, slams the door on his way out, then leaves for another day at work while Person #1 prepares to leave..

Person #1: You shouldn’t have done that!
Person #2: I didn’t intend to!
Person #3: So why’d you do it..?
Person #2: Seriously!?
Person #1: Yeah we’re serious..
Person #2: It’s called not being able to control oneself and needing help!!
Person #3: Oh my god just take your medication!
Person #2: That’s been making it worse!!
Person #1: Well most say it helps!
Person #2: I’m different than most!! What the hell is with you both!?
Person #1: What..?
Person #3: Ya!? Like, what is up..?

Person #2: Ahhhhhh!!

Person #1: Oh my god is he alright..?
Person #3: Doesn’t seem like it..

Person #2 runs away..

Person #1: Dude you don’t try to better yourself at all!!
Person #2: You don’t understand!!
Person #1: I understand that you know how to avoid what is bad for you and you decide not to and therefore repeat similar problems over and over again!!
Person #1: That’s called involuntary actions!! And I reached out to you for help! Not so you can go on an ego trip by trying to win a debate against me!!
Person #2: Stop deflecting.
Person #1: I’m NOT deflecting! It’s the truth!
Person #2: Stop deflecting.
Person #1: Oh you are such an ass.
Person #2: What did you just call me!?
Person #1: Right there! You’re ignoring everything I’m telling you in order to make me feel bad so you can feel better!
Person #2: What are you talking about!?
Person #1: Huh ha there you go again!! You just keep ignoring the big picture of what I’m trying to communicate because your ego is too insecure to handle being wrong!
Person #2: Wait what..?
Person #1: Serious..?
Person #2: Look man, this conversation can’t go in any direction that’s positive.. Let’s stop talking.
Person #1: You are such a prick yuh know that!?
Person #2: Yo I will crack your skull!!

And then a fight occurs..

I feel that;

Most people are not nice..,
so if I have high expectations of most,
I’ll most likely wind up disappointed,
so for my own self-care,
may I catch myself when my hopes are up,
so I do not again become,
painfully shot down

For example;

I often feel that;

When others have a problem with me,
They set boundaries,
I comply,
And their needs are received and honored,

When I have a problem with any particular others that I try to communicate,
Most others will not listen,
And most others will overpower me,
And/or walk all over me and/or ensure that stuff continues their preferred way,

Although I believe in a need for kindness,
I still feel like a pushover,
Over and over again,

Because,
I often carry too much,
And would rather not feel additional pain of which results from any form(s) of confrontation in response to me trying to fairly advocate for myself,
As others love to advocate for themselves..,

Yes,
I feel that;
Several know how to meet their needs easier,
While others are faced with more obstacles and/or carry more,

Yet instead of trying to become “even”,
And instead of trying to relate by “dragging others down”,
Well,
May more of us rise up,
To the better internal feelings that more and more of us could be feeling,

I hope that was explained clear enough,
I know stuff in whichever ways can feel very rough,
And regardless,
As always,
Thanks for reading this