If I’m going to lose anyway,
Why would I care what others think..!?

If I’m going to lose anyway,
Why would I feel a need to..,
I don’t know,
Overexplain myself..?

If I’m going to lose anyway,
Why.. keep..,
You know what I forgot..,

Whatever..,

Well..,
To put it differently,
Why waste so much time and effort on trying to have someone like me who never will..!?

Why waste so much time trying to rationalize with an overly emotional arrogant irrational scumbag..!?

And even if I could have explained that more clearly..,

I hope ya still feel me..(?),

Regardless,
Thanks for reading this

Okay I just had to add that I feel that;
Although certain words may lead us more to a place of inner peace in the present moment,
other words might cause us to overthink and (therefore) reducing our awareness to just scattered and disorganized thoughts in our minds,
reducing the level of deep appreciation we could be feeling in the present moment..,
so speaking for myself as always,
I just hope to once again,
think less,
and notice my breath and internal sensations more peacefully,
while appreciating more and complaining about less,
in order for a more fulfilling experience,
in the ongoing present moment..,

and I’m sorry if I sound as a narcissistic idealist, however,
I also view this as very practical,
to of course,
remember,
to of course,
feel better

Now although I try not dangerously escalating shit,
Although I try avoiding acting in ways that worsen how I’m feeling already,

There still comes a point,
When I don’t want to keep taking it,

At some point,
I will stand up to it in the best attempt(s) as I see fit,

I’ve taken a lot,
Yet I can only take so much,

So at some point,
Whether that results in another overly emotional sleepless manic breaking point or not,

Well,
At some point I’m not going to keep taking it,

And will that result in receiving more of it..?
It might,
Because being a powerless person who stands up to power might push me down even deeper..?

Yet I’ll either peacefully surrender,
And/or die fighting any forms of power that add to a life of at some point I’d rather not be living,

Yes,
I’ll keep going,
Yet as for preferring to receive the respect I feel to deserve,
I just thought I’d say,
That there will come another day,
When I’ll act more truthful,
Confident and honest,
Regardless of what results in response

I feel that for example;
Too much explaining of what is obvious (or implied) can deeply sidetrack the point..,
so yeah..,
(whether included in parenthesis or not),
I’m trying to include LESS parenthetical analysis for the continuation and/or intention of more peaceful and clear focus when I write stuff..

Yes I can NOT always explain what’s implied in every post (which I guess can also be infinite..),
Yet as for advice,
As long as it’s not given in excess,
While given and received from a place of kindness and/or empathy,
It’ll probably have a better effect on me than as compared to deeply critical advice that leaves me feeling more criticized and/or therefore feeling worse than receiving the advice prior,

So yes (for example),
If someone wants to tell me what he feels I need to hear,
I want to make clear that (for example),
How I hear what the man has to tell,
Will have an additional effect on me,
That either increases the chances of me functioning clearer and stronger,
The same,
Or worse and shut down,

So I just thought I’d add this for additional emphasis pertaining to how we’re likely emotionally affecting ourselves,
By what we give and receive from others,
Which of course includes what we tell ourselves,

So (for example),
If I’m internally scolding myself,
Would that increase internal negative tension that inhibits any internal capability that underlies any action or set of actions on the surface..?
Yet if I’m kindly encouraging myself,
Will I be less inhibited and therefore more likely function with a much higher needed skill level..?

So as for identifying my flaws,
How is what I tell myself in response (to my actions) truly affecting me..?

I’m not sure if I’m explaining this as clearly as I can (and yes I guess I can always explain anything clearer..(?)),
Yet essentially,
Since I believe that what I tell myself I most likely tell others,
Therefore,
The more I develop clear internal peace,
For one,
I’ll (as I’d guess..(?)) be less weighed down by internal tension,
Yet since I’d be feeling more clear and peaceful,
Any forms of criticism that I may feel a need to tell myself (including others),
I would guess..,
Would feel more kind,
encouraging and/or helpful,
As opposed to being a straight up toxic asshole,

Right?

And of course I feel this is all easier said,
Yet I’ll stay strong,
For as long as I can,
As usual

To those who have apologized,
And who have NOT excessively repeated the same,
NOR similar,
actions of which they previously apologized for,
Thank you,

And incase I haven’t made it clear enough already,
I just want you to know,
That,
I accept,
your apology

To be honest,
when I messed up,
I’ve often apologized,
so therefore,
when I’m on the receiving end of others’ deeply fucking up,
what I also prefer to receive (as I’ve often felt expected to give when seen as necessary),
is,
an,
APOLOGY,

And well,
even if the apology is somewhat forced and insincere,
that may still feel better than honesty that continues to damage me (such as elaborate and arrogant attempts to justify “not needing to apologize”)..

To be honest..,

If you are willing to admit that you have done wrong to me,
I’ll still,
Try to,
accept,
your apology

For one I can only speak for myself,
And well,
What may “work” for several,
May affect me quite differently,

So therefore;
In my belief that I’m trying to put into words;
I feel that;

Fulfilling a need for social connection could be similar to a need for food and/or any essential nutrition,
so THEREFORE may I be able to clearly distinguish between what is healthy and what is toxic,
Pertaining to the social connection that I fill myself with,

And for example,
if I’m in a vulnerable and desperate need for emotional support,
may I remain mindful of who to reach out to,
and who to avoid,
since (in moments of emotional desperation),
I may need someone who will deeply empathetically listen,
as opposed to someone ready to attack me with perpetual hardass advice that comes from an egoistic place of wanting to control me,

For example,
When in desperation,
I may need compassionate understanding (which (I feel) could (also) include advice as long as it’s from a place of kind empathy (and therefore is given and received that way)),
As opposed to receiving more arrogant aggressive criticizing and/or (also instead of) shameful mean advice,

So for example,
if I’m saying I feel deeply sad,
the person who might make me feel worse might yell at me by exclaiming “fucking snap out of it!!”,
which might cause me to feel even more sad as a result of being scolded for telling the person “I’ve been feeling sad”,

So.. instead,
(For example),
may I be able to find someone who would be willing to give me a hug and say “I’m here for you” and/or “you’re not alone”,

INSTEAD of accidentally opening up to the toxic individual who might say “stop being a pussy!” and/or “man up!”,
And/or “Yo why you always gotta kill the vibe!?”,
Which will most likely (and/or has often felt to) just make me feel deeply WORSE inside,

Especially if for example,
I claim to be opening up to someone by telling the person how I felt hurt by another individual,
While then receiving a response such as,
“It’s not all about you!”,
Which has often made me feel additionally misunderstood and pissed off,
Especially since I do NOT view wanting the respect and compassion I feel to deserve as “selfish”..,
Yet instead more of a BASIC social/emotional NEED,

Yep..,
Several who I’ve tried to open up to,
To emotionally climb out to a clearer,
More peacefully fulfilled feeling,
Have sometimes pushed me down,
Causing me to sink down into an even deeper shithole that I initially reached my hand out to the person to help lift me out of!!

It’s like (for example) I don’t also realize they’re also trying to save themselves from suffocating in the quicksand of socially toxic dramatic wasteful bullshit,
So instead of pulling me out,
Their egos will dunk my head under in order to remain afloat,

And well,
I write this because when I’m in a deeply emotionally vulnerable place,
I feel a deep need to be extra careful about NOT opening up to anyone who may make me feel deeply worse than I am already,

Thank you for reading!
And if you’re also deeply struggling,
well,
I hope it helps to hear me say that you’re not alone, and I’m here,
in spirit,
On WordPress and/or wherever else I happen to be at,

Love ya!!

(Creds to my younger brother (among others) for being there.)

Although this was expected,
Yes..,
I’m still deeply devastated,

However,
May your spirit remain as an inseparable part of me,
Forever,

Thank you for your patience,
Thank you for your kind and gentleness,

Thank you for being my stepdad,
Thank you for being among the best influences I’ve ever had,

Even though your previous physical form is gone,
May your spirit continue on,
And along with and inseparable from me,
While we continue on,
this,
everlasting,
sentient journey,

Blessings,
on your journey,

May you always remain with me

Even though you’re not with me,
At least you’re alive,
At least you appear happy,

Yeah I know I can never tell..,
Yet still,
Thanks again for wishing me well,

And even though I feel highly unwell,
I’ll keep my head up through the emotional hell,

You’re such an awesome woman,
I wish you the best,
And I wish for this pain to leave my chest..,

Damn..,

I wish I came across differently,
I wish I didn’t carry nor emanate that deep anxiety and insecurity,

Well,
At least you seem happy,

Yep..,
I’m still obsessed with you,
I hope that man you’re with has been and always remains nice to you,
Damn I fucking miss you!!

I still remember that karaoke night of March 17th 2017,
And I just completely didn’t expect what was to follow,
Oh the pain and sorrow!!

And even though I’d say this was expected,
I just still feel so devastated,

However,
I know I’ll feel better,

Even if I remember you for the rest of my life,
At least I haven’t NOR plan to give up on life,

Damn..,
I wish I had you in my life!!

And even though this again feels painful,
Well,
I’ll keep my head up,
Among any form and degree of struggle,

Ahhhh fuck I miss you!!
Yet I’ll keep going!!
I’ll keep going,
No matter how painful!!

Ahhhh!!

This feels hard..,
This really feels hard,
Yet as it often has previously,
I expect,
To feel better again,

Eventually