What doesn’t make sense frightens me,

I fear that..,

What has a greater pain tolerance with anger towards me terrifies me to an extent of sleepless orders that create internal destruction..

And since I have 888 posts.. I’m starting to question.. “what is up with me”?

Welp.., I need sleep to remain in line with the rest.. and yes.. feeling vulnerable and terrified, might never become perfectly extracted from.. my. chest

Belief systems.. translations, papers, screens, emotions, fears, that flow all over the place.. will the next organized system of truth expand essential survival intelligent awareness.. or create ignorance..? beyond fancy forms of passed down narcissism of someone who claims to understand “the whole system”..? It’s like.. becoming so stupid.. that I’m starting to see how stupid I really am.. so if I don’t act sarcastic.. then how else will those who are more “sincere” and “direct”.. help me out..? Okay.. who else will act as some type of holy narcissist..? Scary.. right..?

So as of now..,
Every symbol I type feels to be a sign of something that reduces to nothing,
Please,
Do NOT sell this,
It will make people stupid,
There will be someone else who might think “he just wants attention”.. or “he needs to work longer hours”.. or “he’s talking about himself to get attention so just ignore him”..,

Well..,
I just don’t know..?
Like..
I’m sorry.. what did I do..?
and then what if those who claim to speak for me who weren’t even there,
Want to punish me because of something they can NOT even prove and that did NOT happen.. all because we just might share the same fear..?
and what if it’s “ohh he’s on a tangent”..(?),
Or what if it’s “he’s just typing about himself!” and then “he’s narcissistic”.. well,
Now what..?

I believe in the peaceful development of technology..,
Yet I deeply feel that..,
Unfortunately..,
This smartphone made me more confused over nothing,
And if I even talk about a smartphone,
a thought in my head might exclaim within me; “well.. think about something more important!!”,
I get it..
I get it.. (I guess..?),

And I just feel stupid..
And if I say something else..
A fearful cognitive question in myself might ask..?
“Who will try to control me next..?”,
And then..,
“What will the minivan dashboard of fear over nothing cause me to start assuming..?”,

I literally overanalyze songs..
Like.. they’re just songs man..

I’m sorry for not being more grateful.. and I feel bad because I feel I just make others uncomfortable.. so.. as usual.. I’m confused, scared, and will follow the instructions of whoever appears to “have his/her/their shit together”……,

I guess as of today it’s now “the end”.., wow.. my mind just doesn’t often feel to put pieces in directions that feel to help.. so.. yeah.. I guess I need to read and write more again to organize my thoughts.. or form equations to practice.. or.. ummm.. okay, I’m sorry for typing about myself again.. I’m sorry for a post that reduces to nothing other than fears from.. yuh know what.. forget it.. let’s keep going..

When someone catches my attention,
They might distract what I need to focus on,
To keep up with the pace,

Maybe someone will call me a name,
Talk in a certain way,
In order to drag my emotions their way,

Honestly,
I can’t even tell what is going on,
Yet it feels as if I contributed to something wrong,
And I don’t even know what it is,
Yet who really does..?

I just show up,
Try to read,
Figure stuff out,
And then leave,

I’ll ask a polite question,
And then the answer will feel to create confusion within myself,

And what if I get a diagnosis that leads to more internal confusion..?
All because I was stressed out,
Trying to be considerate while staying safe from the overpopulation that I did not cause and can not stop,

I just don’t understand,
Yet who really does..?
And where..?
I just don’t know where my emotions will have so-called “leaders” guide me next..?

Like “what”!?

(Genre: Creative Writing (I would guess?))

Do the forces of more powerful judgment come from a similar emotional and physically considerate social and geographic environment?
Which books were most accurately translated and passed down that’ll truly elevate my spirit out of a force of hopeless discouraging laziness?
Who wishes to claim to totally “understand” the causes and effects of my past experiences?
Who wants to act as to “know” the underlying obliviousness that manifested as imperfect choice and/or decision making of who he/she/they was never there for enough?

Who still believes to “know” the one and final set of stories that’ll infinitely imply all else that others “must” come to “know”?

As I proceed,
What will I ever truly “know”?

And to try typing from a perspective that believes there’s infinitely outer circles of the most narrowed points of view,
I’d say the answer is that I have;
No idea..

(Genre: Fictional Abstraction.. or “Language Arts”.. I guess..(?)),

A large part of me,
presently predicts that;

Forces of organizational punctual requirements,
Will always control me,

Now yes,
To (also) paraphrase what any critical forces might appear to try communicating towards me,
Although I feel that “everything” does NOT “revolve” around “me”..,
I’d still like to ask that;

However conscious or unconsciously intentionally,
Will the drivers,
serve to include,
or disenfranchise me,
from fairly moving up,
Within any emotional/sensory internal and/or social/geographical interdependently manifesting hierarchy ?

I guess time will continue to determine that ongoingly ?

Yet which individuals,
Who create and sell these screens,
Wish to manipulate what..?
and how..?
next,
(Pertaining to..),
Whenever that happens to be..?

Yes..,
I’m therefore NOT sure what these words I posted here could helpfully rise up to,
?

Essentially,
It often feels to make me mad,
When I feel to uncontrollably waste so much time,
being punctual for one person,
And/or,
Depriving more and more of my self-freedom,
Out of an excessive and capability limiting fear of possibly being tortured,
By the sensory hyperstimulated and emotionally dysregulated punctual forces of perfection obsession,
that might all unconsciously manifest against my morally expanding intelligence,
as they fill my time with trying to have me arrive at certain locations more often,

I’m referring to forces of punctual perfection,
Which are always looking for another so-called “justification” to hurt others who do not perfectly follow their instructions,

I feel that an important question to keep asking is;
In whichever forms of any levels;
Who instructs to construct,
elaborate forces for good or evil..?
I don’t know,
?
While,
I feel to remain to struggle trusting someone who claims to “know”,

Ahhhh!!
I don’t have a positive note to end this on,
And if that creates an excuse for someone to peer pressure me to try something he/she/they feels a need to sell to survive,

Well..,
Then I hope the side effects don’t make stuff worse in the long run..,

I’m like..,
Where must I run from..?
Where to..?
And I now guess that..,
Aside from “keeping” my “job”,
Among whichever other survival needs,
I don’t really know what to do..?

May unconscious verbal sparks of aggression,
NOT multiply,
into an even deadlier emotional explosion,

may we notice within,
WITHOUT becoming lost in deadly,
sensory and emotional,

dysregulation

Now as for that last post of mine (titled: “Continually Interact” (uploaded on August 23rd of 2023 (if it’s still there))),
Well,
To whichever extent or not there’s “grade inflation”..,
How can we truly “know” who to “blame” without understanding the effects,
of,
one’s past social and/or geographical inner emotional and/or external helpfully resourceful degree,
that may shape his/her/their underlying decision making awareness over time,
which might likely have significant effects on themselves among several surrounding others quite often..?

Yep,
How can I blame the students..?
How can I blame the teachers..?
And well..,
How can I truly blame powerful administrators..?

If I’m just sitting here,
While typing on this phone,
Alone..?

And even if I can’t “make needed change happen”..,
I still hope that what I wrote here is somewhat helpful,
For any with courage that may manifest as more helpfully impactful,

I’ll keep trying,

Yup..

If we’re excessively narcissistically spiritually focused on the abstract,
How will we be able to interact..?
Will we forget how to sufficiently add,
Multiply,
Divide and/or subtract..?

Man..,
How is grade inflation going to keep society intact..?

Which “grade inflation” (if) you ask..?
Oh..,
Isn’t that a mysterious question,
And I say that because,
I feel to have largely diverged,
From several hierarchical evaluation institutions,

And well,
I know I can’t judge,
Because I’m in my safe space,
Yet,
While continuing at a certain pace,
Oh how this feels to be a deeply uncertain..,
(Wait I can’t think of a rhyme.. um..),

Yeah.. I feel it’s uncertain

“Head of the Executive Intelligence Nucleus”

(Genre: Incredibly short conversation..(?))

Good computer: The more the top executive nucleus of our central intelligence becomes selfishly individualistic, the more divided and less intelligent that agency becomes.. Do you understand..?

Bad computer: No.

Good computer: Huh Ho!!

Narrator: But which one truly is more perpetually “good” than the other..? I don’t know..?