If those in power,
Wish to “dispose” of me,
In order to create a less “burdensome”,
And/or “Pure” society,

For their “heaven” on earth,
They just may make my last time here,
Hell for me on earth,

With ZERO guarantee,
Of being reborn,
Less burdensome,
Stronger,
And able to carry on and up any hill for longer,

Huhh,
Although I wish for humans to advance,
I also wish to be included,
With helping in my own way,
While inclusively feeling better,
Along whichever seemingly necessary way

Will fear of what others think help me write more openly and truthfully..?
Will fear of certain others looking for me,
Help me courageously share what I felt a need to share for quite a long time..?

Welp,
I guess in whichever forms,
There’s new obstacles,
That I can either become damaged by,
Or consciously learn from,
To whichever degree,
Based on what I believe my present perceptions appear to tell me,

?

Although a big part of me wishes to feel and remain safe as can be,
Another part of me,
Wishes to share what it sees as truth,
More openly

I additionally feel that my perceptions may tell me that:

Sometimes locations bring up memories from that same location,
Such as going to the same movie theater yesterday (on July 2nd, 2023),
When I remembered something back in April 2017 which was when:

I went along with someone who got into the movie theater by showing the staff member his “Five Guys” receipt because (as I’d guess) the staffer may have been too tired and stressed to clearly look,

And since I was once again too desperate to clearly have the patience of distinguishing good friends versus toxic friends,
I still gravitated towards scumbags like him,

In general,
I wish to have more strength,
Such as for sustaining inner peace in isolation,
So egoistic scumbags such as him do NOT feed off of my social connection desperation..,

He just criticized me for my anxiety,
Lied by saying a girl “called the cops” on me,
Criticized me for that one time I chose NOT to take a certain “joke” after he’d insult me to try feeling in control over me,
And his sadistic awareness,
Knew of the precise times to do and say hurtful stuff such as this,

He ordered me to give him my phone,
Went through my messages,
Then criticized me for telling my parents about how he was mistreating me,

And after I went to a couple of his theater performances,
Went out to bars while sober,
Including the on campus social functions that he preferred,
He claimed that he was doing it “all for me” as a narcissistic defense mechanism when I’d try to let him know how he was mistreating me,

He peer pressured me to drink,
Then criticized me for drinking too much,

The patience I had for him took away energy within me,
Including him insulting me for not functioning more independently,

He could spot my weakness,
Knew how to sharpen his lethal awareness knife,
Would then stab so deeply,
And act as if he was “trying to help” me,

And reasons I was drinking too much included that,
Scumbags such as him were often the only type(s) of friends I’d find,
After constant social rejection and emotional pain in isolation,
Just felt to be,
Too much,

Hence,
May I remember to breathe and find peace through developing acceptance of inner sensations,
And broaden clear inner peaceful survival awareness,
In order to better AVOID and NOT ever gravitate to those types of people and situations,

And although I only mentioned this to him like twice:
He even criticized me for “always” talking about “mindfulness”,
And as for drinking less and learning how to inwardly find peace with “noticing our naturally occuring breath and inner sensations”,
He just had ZERO helpfully compassionate advice,

His ego just did NOT care to be nice,

And well,
I just wish to,
Sustain the awareness,
To stay safe and NEVER desperately seek social connection through bullies such as him,

He was always a talented actor…..,
And sadly appeared to use that theatrical awareness OFF STAGE to hurt those desperate for social connection,

And going forward,
May I access and sustain more inner clear strength to clearly stay safe from mean and manipulative people such as him,

And well,
Even if a shared struggle forces me,
To join forces,
With certain others toxically similar to him,

Well,
May that force feel and manifest,
More peacefully,
Eventually

I feel it is POOR judgment,
to be killing my brain cells,
before I acquire the necessary skills,
to sufficiently,
live independently,

And well,
Some may STILL peer pressure me to try this,
Others may STILL peer pressure me to get prescribed that,

Therefore,
May I remain aware of my inner emotional and sensory frequencies,
So others do NOT try to control them for me,

May I sustain sober inner peaceful freedom

For one this is a hypothetical,
So may no one take this painfully personally:

Okay so,
I’d say that for example:

I guess there’s “Robotic Militance”,
“Flamboyant Militance”,
and/or,
infinite forms (and degrees) of opposing forces of anti-compassionate militance..(?),
that is more insatiable,
as opposed to truly standing as it claims,
for “needed self-defense”

(Source: Norman Finkelstein uses the phrase “flamboyant militance” on page 143 in his book titled: “I’ll Burn That Bridge When I Get To It!”, Year Published: (2022), Publisher: “Sublation Press”)

Another sleepless night,
Oh how I wish stuff would feel more balanced and equanimous,
Less apathetic and polarized,
Less vengeful,
Less insecure, Less hateful,
Less painfully analytical,

Oh man,
Regardless of statistics,
Regardless of information to consider “factual”,

Why can’t we all just chill..(?),
Right here and now,
Without wishing for some magic pill,
That never will appear,

And I don’t even know if most will find that clear..(?),

Huhhhhhhh

Even if I did not “set the tone” in this piece of writing “properly”,
I’d still like to share that I feel that:
My present perceptions tell me:

Common Bullying Threads may occur anywhere,
(For example),
sometimes from peers,
sometimes from parents,
sometimes from mathematical and spiritual teachers,
sometimes from caregivers,
sometimes from patients,
sometimes from coaches and teammates,
sometimes,
Quite OFTEN,
From multiple painful sources at once..,

Sometimes the pain that arises within,
exudes outward,
at any time,
any location,
Up and/or DOWN any form of organized powerful social functioning hierarchical institution,

Maybe fear of being bullied,
Can cause others to bully what they may perceive as a potential “bully”..(?),

Maybe if those view they “need” a certain level of pain to “help” themselves,
They’ll then give that pain to others,
While remaining largely UNaware of the truly different effect(s) the same (or similar) form(s) and degree(s) of pain may be having on those they pass the pain on to..,

I feel that we have different levels of sensitivity,
And the same teachings may affect different individuals differently,

What may be a “micro-trauma” for some,
May affect a more sensitive individual,
Quite significantly,

I often additionally feel to perceive that:
There’s just common cultural trends in the mainstream dominant system,

No matter how “similar” or “different” they appear as on the surface,
They still may arise and perpetuate from a similar inner painful force,

And well,
May we NOT lose energy by fighting the culturally dominant current,
That will always overpower us,

Hence,
May we preserve our strength through developing inner peaceful acceptance,
And may the peace we (hopefully) develop exude outward,

To help sentient life,
Peacefully,
Continue forward

I feel that,
Obviously:

Many other species fight,
and well,
I think humans are capable of NOT fighting,
yet,
sadly,
many of us humans appear,
to FAIL to sufficiently access NOR sustain that internal peaceful capability

Welp,
I just can’t learn an essential skill set overnight,
and a question I should have asked myself a long time ago is: how is spending hours a day juggling, going to help reduce a society’s crumbling infrastructure..?

Maybe if I was more positively socially included among those learning a trade and/or whatever essential job,
I could have had an easier time learning an essential job,
and spent LESS time on YouTube watching juggling videos in socially excluded isolation..?

And well,
aside from writing and juggling,
what essential skill sets do I essentially have!!?

I try having forgiveness,
For those who will never clearly see,
How hard I tried to be a nice person,
How hard I tried to go along with the group,
How hard I tried to be someone I’m not in order to have the approval of others,
How much patience I had for them,
When all they had for me,
Was additional criticism,

It was also hard,
And continues to be,
Carrying autism