The guy who peer pressured me to drink,
Then criticized me for doing it too much,
After criticizing me for being too anxious,
And constantly doing and saying the “wrong” stuff,

And sometimes,
I just tend to conveniently seek to block out the pain of constant failure,
criticism and advice,

When it feels,
Too much

Once they lose strength to put up with me,
Will they repeat a similar and/or worse history(?),
As for how their present perceptions,
Tell them,
How to handle me

?

Even though my ego seeks what it presently views as justice,
Well,
What will be the result of that energy..?

Will another bout of catharsis help anybody..?

Will blaming someone no longer in my life help stuff continue forward..?

Man..,

I just wish stuff felt LESS backwards..,

I wish my senses felt LESS painfully overloaded,
I wish I felt less “imbalanced”,
And more included,

So much coaching and prescribing just has NOT felt to be working,
And when I make the same mistakes of reaching out to those who feel I need more of what has NOT felt to be working..,

Well..,
The temptation to return to drinking,
Remains strengthened,

I’m criticized for my few mistakes that have been made public,
While remaining criticized by those who are more skilled at hiding their dark sides,

It’s easier,
To blame the more anxious and easy target,
Instead of admitting,
The hazing,
The ice bath that did NOT help increase my freeze tolerance,
The drinking challenges like the beer mile,
The death threat for reporting any of it..,
From the same martial artist who just laughed and laughed..,

Yet I must now stop “deflecting” by blaming those no longer in my life,
Sadly including,
Certain individuals,
Who I thought would be “brothers for life”..,

Shit..

I just thought I finally found a group that truly accepted me,
Yet once again,
It just mostly felt,
As another painful repetition of painful social history,
That I’m criticized for,
For ever “blaming” and “criticizing”..,

Of course it’s me who’s “not taking responsibility”..,

Man..,

I’ll keep trying,
As I feel to have,
So often already

Who has the more “believable appearance”?
Some random stigmatized labeled individual with a WordPress.com blog,
Or some “intellectual” with various fancy appearing credentials..?

Will people ever compassionately look beneath the surface..?

Well..,
That’s up to them,
Not me

I often feel to perceive that:

Some call themselves “woke”,
Others call themselves “right”,
And I,
Try to avoid being caught up,
In another pointless fight,

Some may say I “need to take it”,
Others may say to “address all of it”,
And on all sides,
At some point,
In some form,
I encounter more bullshit,

How would I know when life begins..?
How would I know who “God granted land to?”,
What do I “owe” those who I may never know..?

How can I perfectly “trust” what is reported and/or documented elsewhere..?

All I feel I can do,
Is develop more healthy and sober peace within myself,
So hopefully,
I offer even the slightest degree,
Of helpful energy,

I feel,
There’s ALWAYS going to be some other issue,
Some other points of view,
Who claims this and that while doing that and that,

And well,
I just feel a need,
To find peace within,
To help me more clearly do,
All I can,
As best I can

Even if they’re labeled and dismissed “equally”,
Regardless,
I do NOT want to live a life among people who hate being around me,
I do NOT want to live a life among people who constantly feel irritated “because of me”,
I just get offended too easily,
And they have nothing helpful to offer me,

I do NOT want to work for people who show ZERO appreciation of me,
I do NOT want to open up to those who just criticize me,

Others’ lack of empathy,
Sometimes deeply hurts me,

I do NOT want to feel as a punching bag,
Who just takes and takes it,
With ZERO benefit,

I just do NOT want to keep taking it,
It just makes me feel more like shit..,
And others just seem to feel I need “more of it”..,

Even though I may be very different,
I still wish more others would be more inclusive and compassionate,
And I struggle to make peace,
With the reality,
That I just,
Can NOT make them do that,

I’m just trying to remember to focus on longer exhalations,
To release more internal tension,
That seems to keep holding me back,
That increases chances of me flying IRreparably off track,
When the weight I fail to let go of,
Of all the emotional pain I UNconsciously consume,
Becomes too much to carry,

And well,
I feel I must keep trying to make peace,
With feeling forced to be around and work with and for,
Those who hate me,
Those who view me as no more,
Than a loser,
Than a number,
Those who view me as no more than a means to an end of their insatiable excessive impulsive desires,

Shit..,

I’m just struggling to stay strong,
To keep holding on,
As I continue along

They’ll evaluate me for this,
And then it’s that,

They’ll test me for their side,
Until the others peer pressure me back to their side,

They’ll evaluate and form “conclusions” about me this way,
And then it’s that way or some other way,
In which they’re just,
Screwing it up..

Because,
Their egos just won’t shut the fuck up,
And make me see,
How I can truly help myself,
In addition to adding my part,
For all and/or whoever else

I presently would say that I feel that:

In some way I feel I’m also struggling,
Even if it’s far less mainstream,
Even if my job title and physical appearance just..,
Does not make it as obvious..,

I may try as hard yet still have a lower stress tolerance..(?),

Not saying anyone “owes” me anything,
Yet,
Even if others are in charge of more,
Well,
Maybe they can tolerate more pain,
Yet maybe they’ll pretend that they have more of an excuse to publicly express anger,

And,
However realistic or UNrealistic,
Here is an example:

Manager #1: Fuck!!

Everyone continues working..

Manager #1: God fucking dammit!!

Everyone continues working..

Manager #1: Ahhhhhhh FUCK!!!!!

Everyone continues working..

Package Handler: Fuck!!

Another manager walks around the corner..

Manager #2: Was that you!?

Package Handler: Yes..

Manager #2: What the fuck!?

Package Handler: It’s whatever..

Manager #2: If you do that we’ll think you hurt yourself. So don’t be yelling if you’re not hurt because if you yell and actually get hurt we won’t come help you since we’ll assume that you’re just getting angry.

Package Handler: Well why don’t you confront Jared!?

Manager #2: Because Jared has a more stressful job than you. He also looks out for everyone in this whole warehouse facility. Jared makes sure they get paid. He deals with district managers, moves around trucks from van line to van line.. look.., all you do is scan and unload boxes..

Package Handler: Well has Jared had autism since age 5!?

Manager #2: Stop with this victimhood and focus on what to do now in order to develop better self-control. That’s where your attention must remain focused if you truly want to feel better.

Package Handler: And it’ll help me feel less weighted if I received less constant advice. Maybe a reminder to fucking notice my breath would be helpful so I can clear more of this inner “victimhood” stress so I don’t “cry wolf” as it blasts out of me!?

Manager #2: We’re not obligated to be your therapist!! We’re just here to address protocol, including ensuring yours and others safety!! Keep it up and you’re fired.

Package Handler: Huhhhh..

Manager #1: Shit!! Fucking SHIT!!!

Huhhhh,

With all the painfully hopeless places my mind gets me now,
At least I have freedom,
At least I’m NOT in a previous time when I’d more likely be punished far more severely even with privilege to a far greater degree,
compared to many others of that time in history,

At least I’m NOT threatened to be whipped for NOT completing a virtually impossible task,

At least I’m NOT being killed NOR physically tortured,
At least I’m NOT being forced into an oven,
Torture chamber NOR wherever,

At least I’m presently NOT suffering various forms of brutal oppression,

At least for myself,
I presently feel to be,
In a safer time,
And location

I presently feel that for example:

Back in the day..,

Was it more often “myspace” as in,
“my safe space”(?),
Or a place where others logged in with dangerous assumptions where what was posted became dangerously misunderstood,
causing passionate action to arise out of a painful emotional place to brutally take place in some other emotional and/or physical place..(?),

?

Was it a space that created more of a welcoming safe space..(?),
or a hateful exclusive vengeance producing place..(?),
I wouldn’t know,
since I was in a different online place during that time,

In addition to Mom’s place,
I want to thank you Dad,
For ALSO helping me feel safe at your place,

Thanks for reminding me,
To NOT waste time in comment sections,
That’ll more likely just fill me with more toxic emotions weighing me down,
I want to thank you for also,
financially and empathically,
Continuing to,
stick around