Person #1: When I die I hope to remanifest stronger out of which I came from.
Person #2: Ummm.. what?
Person #1: Oh it was just a random spiritual metaphor..
Person #2: Okayyy..?
Person #1: I mean it was just a thought.
Person #2: But like.. what!?
Person #1: Oh never mind..
Person #2: Okay so you’re seeking hope and belonging..?
Person #1: Yes, but I don’t want to be fooled into something dangerous.
Person #2: You just gotta take a chance my guy. Just fucking do it!

Person #1: Okay but like—
Person #2: Nope! Stop with the excuses. Fuckin do it.
Person #1: But yuh see—
Person #2: That you’re being a pussy..?
Person #1: You know what!!? I’m just—
Person #2: I know that you keep getting lost in thought instead of remaining focused.
Person #1: And your suggestion is..?
Person #2: To stop making excuses.
Person #1: But what is the inner underlying force that’s holding me back..?
Person #2: Right there, you overanalyze more than you act.

Person #1: But now you’re commenting on my overanalyzing which is just creating more overanalyzing so what must I really do!!?
Person #2: Breathe!
Person #1: Huhhhhh..
Person #2: No not like—
Person #1: Huhhhhhh..
Person #2: No it’s like—
Person #1: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!
Person #2: Gentle! Just, notice.
Person #1: Okay but like—
Person #2: Oh God..
Person #1: Okay.. huhhhhhhh..,
Ommmmmmmmmm.
Person #2: You must never mock others’ spiritual practices!
Person #1: Oh so now you’re the “truth” and “nothing but the truth!?”
Person #2: Huhhhh..
Person #1: Mhmmm

Will what I write here be somehow manipulated against me..?
Individually and/or collectively..?

Wasn’t there,
Still fearfully elsewhere,
Didn’t write it,

Didn’t revise Nor erase it,

Tryna find peace in the moment,
Can NOT speak for others,
Can NOT change them,
Can NOT let their emotional energy reduce strength within me,
Just have,
No 100 percent certainty,

Huhh,
Ahhhh

Did I even get the words “right”..?
Did I..,
Respect their most “proper” alleged origin..?
Shit..,
Guess someone always got another perspective to have me serve,

Do most others know (more than me) what I truly “deserve”..(?),

I guess I’ll just keep getting pressured under,
Long before it’s my time,

Did I get the timing right..?
I gotta become smarter and will gravitate to those who accept me even if I can NOT totally discern if they’re “wrong” or “right”,

Not sure if I pieced that together “right”..?
And I post here instead of losing in another physical fight,

As of now,
This is my safe space..,

Maybe I must return to the land of the “snowflakes”..(?),

And I know it’s “not just about me”,
And maybe I was never “strong enough” to keep up with the team..?

Huhhhhh..

Not sure if the Viking will ever rise out of me..,
Yet,
Time will tell,
“Obviously”..,

..

Or will it..?

Guess it’s how another individual may “interpret” it……….,

?

Some may have had zero labels,
Others,
To a greater degree,
With ZERO “comorbidity”,

And well,
I guess we all have a story,
Of external geographic and social chemicals that react within us differently to some degree,

Yet does the convenient efficiency,
Come from a place of mutual peaceful understanding,
Or reckless consuming..?

Welp..,
I guess,
I’ll just receive more criticism,
That my anxious overthinking,
Finds confusing

I feel that:

When and wherever it just might be..,
To whichever degree,
By choice or necessity,

Will I remain welcome along a path of sober inner anxiety reduction/inner peaceful confidence building practices..?

Or will I remain excluded due to my physical appearance,
Sound of my voice,
Lack of inflection,
Etc, etc..,
?

And if I’m invited to hop along,
Will it be true acceptance..?
Or will those with “superior” inner peaceful awareness bust my balls for their own fun “inner healing practice”..?

Wow..,
I guess,
I still must,
Take a chance..?

Huhh,

Ahhhhhhh,

Thank you Dad for reminding me of the importance to remember to breathe,
So I can (more likely) clear additional internal tension,
That gets passed down to me,
From any above authority,

Huhhhhh,
Ahhhhhhhhhh

The more I’m labeled as “different”,
the more I may focus on myself in order to “fix” that..,
and of course,
those who are more “typical”, may also have insecure egos,
thirsting to GIVE punishment,

And well,
I want to thank my Dad,
For putting up with all my learning disabilities and Irregular emotional response frequencies,

I want to thank my Dad,
For advocating in the face of the powerful school administration that wanted to put me in a school for fools,
That wanted to conveniently shut me down on heavy medication,
When the reality was that the social stress,
Felt as the largest contributor to emotional dysregulation,
Including lower scores on the Intelligence Quotient “test”,

Luckily,
Thanks to those including my Dad,
I got a second chance before the school administration tried to send me off in a worse direction,

I want to thank my Dad,
For having the courage to stand up,
To those who snuck up top,
Because (their egos may have felt) they could never climb high enough,

I want to thank my Dad,
For supporting me emotionally,
In addition to financially,
And having the courage to confront those in positions of authority,

I want to thank my Dad for teaching his students well,
I want to thank my Dad,
For seeing me as MORE than someone with a label,
I want to thank my Dad,
For helping me know who to NOT trust,
For helping me see,
Which directions may more likely benefit me,

I want to thank my Dad,
For being a real friend,
UNlike my other “friend” who ordered me to give him my phone and then got mad at me for “telling my dad” how his insecure ego was really UNfairly treating me,
Shit..,
I want to thank my dad,
For displaying the spirit of a TRUE PATRIOT,

I want to thank my Dad for being tech-savvy,
And willing to teach me and assist me,
When I haven’t had the strength to figure out certain technical difficulties,
I want to thank my dad for navigating me through the real world,
And for reminding me that I AM capable,
Regardless of whatever I may internally “define” myself as in response to being labeled,

I want to thank my Dad,
For helping me,
Farther along,
In addition to someone with my learning disability,

I want to thank my Dad,
For helping make stuff,
LESS toxic for me,

And even if most of society would rather exclude me,
I want to thank my Dad,
For having the strength,
To keep welcoming me,

Even if writing inspiration may ever spiral me into excessive narcissistic perfectionist delusion,
Even if I fail to continually internally clear accumulated suppressed emotional pain and remain in “victim” mode..,
Well,
Maybe I can at least remain inspired to share,
That there are those like my Dad,
Who truly care and kindly remain there

Yo Dad maybe I’ll never have the courage you had to break the toxic cycle in a way that makes stuff better for future generations,

I try writing shit,
But maybe that just “doesn’t do shit”..,

Well,
Even if I never have the courage to put myself on the front lines,
To help pave the way for a better future for future generations,

Well,
Thank you for having courage,
As a teacher,
As Chapter Leader,

In the face,
Of powerful insatiable power-seeking administrators,

Thank you,
For showing me,
How courage,
Is meant to be,

And even if I’m a bad and incompetent student,
Well,
I try having more respect,
For good teachers,
Like yourself

For one I feel that,
In order to understand what I’m attempting to communicate,
May you read the whole thing..,
Thanks again!!

How else will forces of ego craft identities to divide those at the bottom of the hierarchy..?
What new rules in the games will those on top create..?
To divide those at the bottom through tribal hate..?

How else must I fake positivity..?
What else must I feel blamed for to take out on another autistic with a different physical appearance..?

How else will those forces of EGO brainwash us..(?),
How else will they individually and/or collectively prevent us,
From relating..?

Will people really understand what I’m saying..?
Or is this just “embarrassing”?

Shit..,
All this depressing conflicting political “facts” just seems to keep worsening..,

Shit..,
Did I even properly explain that..(?),
Yet,
Of course,
The powerful force,
Will prevent me,
From climbing the hierarchy,

There was,
That one series of pictures,
Of that ONE time,
I was at that rooftop bar,
That may cause others to ASSUME..,
“Hey look.. another privileged white boy”,
While ignoring IF ever openly realizing,
Experiences of bullying,
Being labeled and excluded,
That those on top,
May conveniently,
Label as my “chemically imbalanced victim mentality”,

As they save up,
For another convenient fun rooftop socially exclusive get together in Miami,

Ohh shit..,
As for what I post,
Those on top can use it to fool those on the bottom,

Maybe those on TOP can turn what I said into a pun!!?
“Oh how fun!”,

Oh yes their NON-autistic witty awareness,
Will always remain,
As,
THE MAN,

And if I show up UNinvited,
Maybe their fear and judgment,
May just decide,
To conveniently,
Bust my ass,
Then toss me,
Over the roof,

They’ll always view me as the goof

Even though my anxiety didn’t serve me playing baseball,
Even though my ego may have been more concerned about my batting average than winning games through a team effort,
Even though my “Stars” coach implicitly called me stupid and frequently made me feel that way when I took batting lessons from him and went to the camp in which he was a knowledgeable head coach..,

Even though jealousy of the MLB players additionally caused me to throw a ball of tin foil (towards a couple empty seats) in a sober rage at Citi Field a day after my birthday last year,

Well,
In addition to all you grew up with,
And all you continue to put up with and have been forced to deal with,

I want to thank you for still putting up with me,
And still inviting me to the game,
After how much I failed to play it,

After various moments of me,
Failing then going crazy,
Thank you,
For still inviting me,

In the end,
You continue to remain,
As a REAL friend,

Love ya Dad

Person #1: He just wants attention yo..
Person #2: What a fuckin pussy.
Person #1: If anyone asks he wasn’t with us.
Person #3: Man, I told John to not promise him anything.
Person #1: I had no idea he was like this..
Person #2: Maybe he needs new medication..?
Person #4: He’s been on so much shit already.
Person #2: Shut your mouth.
Person #3: Yeah bro he’s just got that chemical imbalance shit yuh know..?
Person #1: Exactly.
Person #4: It’s too bad.
Person #2: Your face..?
Person #4: You wouldn’t know.
Person #2: How do you “know”..?
Person #4: I don’t, but how do you know what he’s been through..?
Person #2: Once again, shut your mouth.
Person #4: I see you’ve become a great martial artist.
Person #2: Want me to bust your ass next!?