I feel writing is also hard work,

So much memories and emotions may trigger me,

I may put myself out there in ways that may cause several others to have an even bigger misunderstanding of me,
That’ll just,
Work against so much work I tried to helpfully fulfill already..,
?

Yet must I remain in my quiet and anxious shell perpetually..,
?

Huhh,
I guess there’s always a decision that I can’t tell is truly best for me

Maybe it’s “just me”,
Or maybe there’s a significant level of truth within the reality I often feel to see..(?),

For example,
And/or speaking in general,

I just,
often do NOT feel welcome on the Left,
NOR the Right,

Yet both power structures,
May still try to manipulate me,
Into serving their fight,

Is it truly about what they really feel is “right”..(?),
Or does their ego want to feel better about themselves by having control of society the way they see..(?),
I don’t know what to truly believe evidently,

And well,
I guess in some form,
I can’t avoid the bullshit,
Nor escape the reality of remaining as an anxious obsessive compulsive autistic emotionally struggling easy target,

I guess,
Fighting a present reality I have zero control over,
Will just make me feel more weighed down by more negativity,

Hence,
The more I accept what I just can’t stand,
Maybe,
The more inner clear strength I’ll have,
To just,
Keep going and keep standing for however much longer I got,
?

Just..,
What information and people must I really seek to serve..?
Of course there’s always someone else with more confidence than me,
That will either exclude me or have me follow his instinctual orders,
Even if he also is following something that’s well-intentioned,
Yet,
May just NOT be the truest reality there is..?

At least we’re trying I guess..,
?

Huhh,

Ahhhhh

I try to have confidence that does NOT exude aggression,

Yet,
sometimes my victim mentality,
may cause me to APPEAR aggressive instead of confident,
in order to try to make up for years and years of excessive anxiety in addition to learning challenges,
That other insecure ego forces would repeatedly use against me to try to feel a sense of “security” and/or control,

(My ego just clings and emotionally isolates itself through a true story pertaining to all those who wronged me..),

I just don’t like other egos messing with me out of their own insecurity that my ego did NOT feel to cause..,

So maybe my “victimized” ego is often ready to defend itself against those who are truly NOT a threat..(?),
Maybe my ego is ready to confront those who I can actually trust,

“Better safe than sorry”..,

Yet as for at least trying,
To feel less anxious,
To be LESS apologetic,
To feel more firm and confident,
Well,
I still feel I must keep at it,

Yet may building confidence,
Align my inner essential foundational awareness with increasing (inner) peaceful stillness,
To remain focused,
And NOT become triggered into hopeless reckless craziness over the next small moment of disrespect I may perceive,

May insignificant irrelevant bullshit NOT be the straw that breaks my back,
IRreparably off a helpful track,

Huhhh..,
I guess those are some feelings and/or interpretations I presently perceive,

?

Sometimes the readily available temptations help me conveniently block out those discomforting emotions even if the side-effects for later will overall make me feel a worse overall life experience..,

?

Shit..,
Even if I can’t “precisely” put it into words,
I still feel to experience,
Some form of REAL experience,

Was that a “non-sequitur”..(?),
Well,
May what I write be interpreted,
“For the better”

I feel that for example:

If someone firmly tells me to have confidence,
I can take it as a criticism,
OR acknowledge their efforts in trying to help me, even,
if what they said came off as more aggressive than I’d ever talk to them,

So,
I guess I can practice,
taking it more positively,

Yet in general,
(And mostly pertaining to my past..),
If the only friendships I can find are toxic,
I won’t admit it when hangin with them in the moment,
Out of a need to have friends,

Yet sometimes,
I fall into the trap of those egos,
Who are just sitting there,
waiting..,

Waiting as a crocodile ready to pounce,
When I once again,
Arrive at the edge of the water,
To try to replenish another need,
For social connection,

And well,
Of course,
May I have more confidence,
To avoid more and more danger,

As I put myself more and more out there in the fresh air

I once admired this guys’ out of the ordinary automobile (kinda looked like a Monster truck with more narrow wheels I guess..?),

And today was at least the second time I saw it,

Once again I thought it looked cool,
Until trying to change lanes,
When he started switching lanes in front of me,
Not allowing me to pass,

As I went left,
He went left in front of me,
Then I went right,
And he went right back in front of me,

Until stopping to yell out the window at me as he was turning right off 303 while I passed him to approach Blauvelt,

I didn’t hear what he said,
Probably best I didn’t..,

I guess that he just,
Got mad,
For a reason I just did NOT understand (if there was any “reason” at all),
?

And I felt like there was more than enough room for me to pass..,
So maybe for no reason he just felt like being an ass,

Was he just looking to blast his anger he could no longer suppress..?
..,
I just,
Don’t know what else to guess,

?

So the next time I see that automobile,
I’ll be reminded of the piece of shit,
Who’s most likely driving it,

I once admired it,
Until he had to ruin it,

And since “in the grand scheme of things”,
This is quite insignificant,
Therefore I’m trying to be more chill,
Because,
I can’t stop people who I happen to encounter,
(Even briefly passing strangers),
From being,
Emotionally dysregulated scumbags,

And I feel that it was good I let this go,
Because if I chose to follow him,
I think I’d regret it,
Assuming I’d even survive to subsequently process it,

Huhhh,
Ahhhhhh,

And if and when I see that noticeably out of the ordinary automobile again,
Well,
I’ll try to take a deep breath,
And NOT waste additional energy,
By getting additionally angry,
Over some other insignificant negative memory,

It just,
Hasn’t usually felt easy,
Feeling triggered by stuff so insignificant,

Yet as for relaxing and remaining focused in whichever way(s) I see fit,
I’ll just keep at it,

Huhh,

And I hope learning to relax more and (therefore) feel less triggered when I encounter and/or feel forced to work with and for any scumbags,
Will help me feel better,
And therefore hopefully,
Will help me function better,

And even if I could have said more or explained this clearer..,
Well,
I just hope for stuff to feel better

Okay,
I feel to have been feeling lots of fluctuating emotions in isolation,
Now what does my ego want to post for attention..?

Huhh,

Several others may understandably have too much going on to hang with me,

Obviously..,
I’d say that:
There’s only so much weight we can carry,
Including empathy we give to those who don’t sufficiently reciprocate..(?),

And well,
For example,
Finding an inclusive meditation group,
To develop peaceful acceptance of intense emotions through healthy sober techniques,
Has NOT felt easy,

So instead of internally peacefully learning from my emotions,
I’ll once again block them out to deal with worse later,
while presently utilizing the readily available cultural temptations,

Wow,
My ego likes those rhymes,
It’ll cling to those words I created to feel better about itself,
After trying and failing to attain what it preferred with baseball,
After trying and failing to attain what it preferred with juggling,
After trying and continually failing with socializing,

It’s now seeking to show off how self-aware it sees itself as through creative writing,

Huhhhhhh..,

Ahhhhhhhhhh,

Well,
More analyzing,
I’d guess,
Won’t help me fulfill more of what I feel I must be doing,

Huhh,

Ahhhhhh

Thank you for having real and needed courage,
In the face of elaborate power networks,

Thank you for living in your truth,
For speaking your mind to others,
For NOT taking shit from them,
And standing up to those administrators,
Whose egos needed to go,

Thank you for fighting for essential workers’ rights,
Thank you for standing against,
What was NOT right,

Thank you for helping take down,
Forces that should have NEVER snuck up top,

In addition to teaching what must be learned,
Thank you for leading by a strong and courageous example,
That I need to ALWAYS keep trying to follow,

Thank you for teaching me to QUESTION,
And to look deeply within,
To find the most ethical decision,
To AVOID seeking belonging by signing my life away to some evil heavily armed institution,
To AVOID identifying as what does NOT feel true to me,

Thank you for providing lessons to help me develop an ability to stay safe and aware,
Even for when in my moments of emotional desperation,
Thank you for helping me learn to remain safe from dangerous powerful manipulation,

Instead of blind conformity,
Instead of being brainwashed by what I see on TV,
Instead of going against what’s true to me in order to have certain others “like” and “approve” of me,
You help me see,
What a REAL patriot,
Is meant to be,

Even if lots of those in power claim to represent freedom,
Well,
Thank you for teaching me to look deeply,
And to remember that which many others claim to stand and fight for may NOT usually be the hidden reality,

Thank you,
For reminding me of who to truly trust,
And NOT be fooled again by those I should have always avoided,

May I remain more safe from those who LIE,
May I manifest as a more confident guy,

Thank you for truly listening,
And NOT just criticizing,

Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings,
Thank you for listening to lots of it,
When several others just “didn’t want to hear it”,

May I carry on our warrior spirit,
By NEVER submitting to the bullshit,
Even if most others are doing it,

May I sustain an inner peaceful,
clear critical thinking and free courageously questioning spirit,
May I NOT UNquestionably just take the excessive toxic bullshit,

Even if I deeply struggle to move along,
May I remain strong,
May I never quit at working to hold accountable what is deeply wrong,

And of course even though Father’s Day is still over a week away,
May the strength and courage you displayed for me,
Assist me today and every day,

May I embody MORE of the spirit I need,
To take LESS and LESS bullshit from those with direct external power over me,
May I have the courageous strength to address what NEEDS to be addressed in a civilized and peaceful way,
UNapologetically,

May I carry on the examples of what it truly means to be a patriot,
That you showed and continue to display for me,

May I help pass on the real spirit of freedom,
That I feel you live,
For yourself among us all,

May my free spirit,
Rise against those above me who want to keep me down,

FUCK THEM,

May the true forces of good win,
May freedom triumph against the manipulative hypocrites,
May freedom prevail AGAINST the radical closed-minded judgmental extremists on all sides,

May freedom win AGAINST all those whose actions try to stop it,

May we sustain the strength to continually work against any pointless and excessive fear-based authoritarian bullshit,

May we carry on the strength,
To prioritize,
A clear,
Strong and internally,
Free,
Warrior spirit,

Thank you,
For helping me,
To remember,
The deep importance of what it truly means,
To be a patriot

Even though I’m worrying about this coming across in a very UNhelpful wrong way,
Well,
I still feel I’d rather fail than give others egos power by conforming to expectations of theirs such as wanting me to keep my mouth shut,

Therefore,
I feel that:
For example:

My ego insatiably (and unconsciously) looks to make itself feel separate from all that inevitably surrounds itself,

For example:
Even if it fails miserably,
It’ll cling to a victim mentality,
It’ll seek to remain spiritually “separate” from those who “wronged” itself,
It’ll seek to have me appear “separate” and “superior” from those with viewpoints that it judges as “wrong” UNlike its own that it considers “right”,
It’ll arrogantly seek to separate itself from those who are “bad” while viewing itself as more morally “good”,
However.. even if my ego is “right” or has “valid” viewpoints.., well,
I feel it narrows my awareness by attempting to just focus on thoughts, judgments and/or whatever it identifies with as well as “distinguishes” itself from other “egos”,
And therefore (for example) gives it a sense of spiritual separation because it clings to its identity that focuses on thoughts it has in response to its “life history” and/or whatever thoughts it defines itself as,

In my belief:
My ego forces want this physical life form I’m in to feel “special” and exceptionally “separate” from the deeper life energy it manifests from and returns to,

Figuratively speaking,
My ego tries to have me feel separate,
UNlike a wave inseparable from the ocean of..
yes,
life energy,

And of course I’d say that:
How the ego may manifest individually,
It can also do that collectively,
Such as increasing chances of various horrors that tragically occurred throughout history,
With an “us” versus “them” mentality,

And of course,
I feel that:
Forces of ego,
May try to distinguish themselves as more “egoless”,
And/or:
Show off by displaying how much they “understand the ego”,
And well,
IF I’m trying to “impressively” write about the ego and get “likes” on this post by showing off my “awareness” of inner ego forces,
Then yes,
I feel that would ALSO be my ego,

Including “showing off” how my ego may have just arrogantly “spotted itself” there,
There,
And there,
Etc,
Etc,

So my ego might also try to show off how “self-aware” it is,
Yet I guess I can additionally say..(?),
For example,

That the more I work in the present moment,
For the benefit of myself and/or whoever with LESS unnecessary pressure to arrive anywhere just in order to add to some sense of egoic “achievement”,
The LESS forces of ego I just may be controlled by,
Because I’ll be “doing” or working more for the purpose of more gratifyingly experiencing the present moment as opposed to trying to egotistically “achieve” something NON-essential for my own and/or whoever’s continued survival,

And well I feel that,
The MORE I’m distracted by an end goal,
While working towards it,
The LESS I’ll remain focused on the work required to achieve it,
Therefore the LESS likely I’ll achieve it..,
So in this case,
(And speaking for myself),
The MORE my ego focuses on the end goal and wants it,
The MORE it’ll distract me from doing what I must to attain it,
So maybe the less (excessive) egoic pressure I put on myself to “achieve” it,
The MORE likely I’ll achieve it,
..(?),

So (for example) when a head school baseball coach says he “despises” losing,
Maybe that internal pressure to NOT lose may interfere with essential focus required to more likely win..?
And maybe me taking too seriously what people like him said,
Added to all this inner ego pressure to “make the team”,
To “achieve this”,
And all my inner ego fear of screwing up resulting in me and others viewing myself MORE negatively,
Additionally internally DISTRACTED me in the most important moments required to NOT screw up,
..,

So yeah.. Regardless of the head coach’s true intentions which I feel I can NOT speak for..,
That teaching which I interpreted as egoism,
For me, felt as toxic energy that made me feel additional inner pressure for the moment to NOT result in a certain NON-preferred way,
INSTEAD of helping me find and sustain more inner peace and LESS inner pressure (within the present) to increasingly develop and sustain MORE inner clear peace to feel more internally relaxed,
LESS internally distracted,
And therefore MORE able to MORE likely field ground balls and hit baseballs closer to my best when MOST required……,
And.. when socializing (as usual) didn’t work out,
And when baseball didn’t work,
My ego turned to filming juggling videos,
To display better eye-hand coordination,
Without pressure of others watching and judging, With several available hours of attempts to display something I was capable of doing,

So of course,
Once my ego failed at something,
It turned to make up for the perceived failure in some other way..,

Yet what practical essential skill sets were I truly developing..(?),
When life came once again to throw more shit at me my ego anxiety was NOT ready to handle..,
Then what..?

Huhhhh..,
Ahhhhh..,

Welp..(regardless of what others may claim have worked for them),
As for that among whichever other teachings/experiences that I felt just had an added harmful emotional/psychological effect on me,
I just feel I need to keep trying to let more of it go..,
And continue with inner peace development practices I trust as presently most compatible for myself,
To additionally help and equip myself for also helping others such as what I post here that I intend to be helpful,
For myself when reading in addition to anyone who may read these,
And as always thanks for reading.. And as always,
I hope it felt at least somewhat worthwhile,
Huhhh.. Ahhhhhhhhh

(Reference: Largely Inspired by Chapter 3 (pages 27-36) of “Stillness Speaks” by Eckhart Tolle, Year Published: 2003, Publisher: “YogiImpressions”)

(Pertaining to Instagram)

I feel that:

Apparently,
Me not including my name in these screenshot posts,
Makes it easier for others to take credit for writing them,

And even though I trust everyone who follows me that I’ve known at some point in my life,
And even though the writing I share just may NOT be worth stealing,

And even though I believe that,
The message that gets passed on may be highly more important than the ego force who tries taking credit for the message,

Well,
Once again,
I may have spent so much energy,
By doing stuff in a way I could have done better,
IF,
I was just,
Initially,

More aware,

Huhhhhhhhhhhh

I feel that:

Taking stuff too personally,
may deplete essential forms of energy I need within myself,
For moving forward,

Inhale,
exhale,
Ahhhh,

Too much inner criticism may also deplete internal clear energy I need,
for moving forward in a more compatible direction,

And even if the inner toxic forces,
may oppose each other,
such as trying not to take stuff personally,
resulting in more inner criticism that ALSO weighs me down,
well,

May the “alternative” inner energy force NOT result in something as bad NOR worse,

In this case,
Taking stuff less personally while avoiding the inner scumbag with “lessons” to “teach” me,

may breathing,
and/or whichever forms of broadened clear awareness,
truly help me spot what’ll lead to more peace while AVOIDING what’s toxic,

And well,
Even if what I write and share doesn’t help me,
Maybe it can (still) add to some benefit for whoever may read these,

And thanks again,
And as always,
for reading