Toxic Perfection

I’m filled with so much obsessive insecurity already,
I don’t want to be emotionally attacked over issues that are so petty,
Yet I feel so many make what’s harder so much unnecessarily harder than it is already,

If I wasn’t an obsessive perfectionist,
I’d be able to think less obsessively,
More clearly and efficiently,
To perform more “perfectly”,

Obsessive compulsive perfection,
As impulsive overcompensation due to others making it harder for me such as my autistic learning challenges with sustaining attention,
And in combination with responding to difficult emotion,
Has made me an easy target to get pointlessly criticized due to my imperfection,
In order for others to feel less “security” and more ego “satisfaction”..

So they just make it hard for me,

I try to be the best I can be by aspiring in directions that feel REASONABLE to me,
Directions that do not inhibit me,
That are driven out of insecurity,

If I don’t adequately sustain a practice of healing all the obsessiveness and toxic perfection in me,
The emotional pain may somehow destroy me,
Such as others being pointlessly mean to me due to expressing their impatience with my imperfections they conspicuously notice in me,

I struggle my best to roll with the punches they give me as a result of meeting their petty expectations “just perfectly”,
Since I struggle “atypically”,
It is NOT fair of them to “typically” expect of me,
And it is ESPECIALLY not fair to expect great PERFECTION of me,

And the way they get angry at me for not performing perfectly,
Just gives me more anger and insecurity,
Instead of helping me open up for my own survival and advancement to really be “more perfect”..

Aside from advancing,
I NEED to adequately maintain staying awake and alert of what may destroy me internally,
Such as obsessive toxic perfectionist insecurity which has built up in me due to my vulnerability,
And makes me immensely vulnerable in this toxic perfectionist elitist judgmental society,

I was forced to try to “awaken” or “understand” myself to a NEEDED degree to survive through all the pointless, yet immensely painful punches others throw at the wounded parts of me,

I’m deflecting, self-defending and responding continually in ways presently I see safest to me,

I must NEVER overstep my NEEDED rights to survive and be included in any culture and/or community

Examining My Life

Yesterday,
I saw a financially successful looking customer say,
On the phone,
In a relaxed confident articulate voice,
“Stop crying!”
Then he said,
“There’s no reason to cry,”
And then I believe it was..
“STOP CRYING!!”

Well,
How did he know inside whoever he was talking to that there was “no reason to cry”,
If any occurance is occurring,
I would guess, somehow, even if we don’t know or “can’t know it”, there’s always some logical cause, or “reason”, or many reason(s),
Why,

?

Same for his reasoning why he believed whoever he was talking to had,

“no reason to cry”..

Same for my reason,
of judging him as a surface level judgmental asshole who didn’t need to try to “wake up” in order for to learn to let go of his hypersensitive emotions so they don’t prevent him from survival,
I judged him as not having as bad of,
if any,
learning struggles,
emotional struggles (aside from lacking a certain level of empathy),

Since I JUDGED,
at least by his behavior in that present moment,
That he didn’t adequately experience them..

?

So I guess that was ONE reason why whoever he was talking to,
who was crying,
might have been crying about.. ?
And maybe him being so insensitive and out of touch,
and hard on anyone’s non-problematic imperfections,
is a reason why whoever he was talking to was crying ?

And by saying “stop crying”,
How was he offering gentle,
clear to understand,
helpful advice for the crying individual to feel better?
To experience more moments,
As more peaceful,
equanimous,
and happier?
Just by saying “stop crying”..
Regardless of crying or not,
What is his take on all possible effects of responding to intense emotional and/or physical sentient feelings,

?

Was he trying to tell the crying individual what they “needed to hear”?
In order to become more like him?
Assuming the same regarding crying was numerous times told to him,
Hence,
Instead of healing and improving emotional responses,
He just merely decided to “pass on” with no improvement..?

I ask these questions,
In order to further attempt to know more of how to really handle emotion for our inner development,
In order to facilitate all external advancement,
Such as..
What are the essential emotional components?

If I would’ve confronted the seemingly middle age man,
Who instructed whoever on the phone more than once to “Stop crying!”,
I may have received a similar response,
That my mom did,
When I was very young,
At the literal same retail grocery store,
Which I presently,
recently started working at..

When I became startled by at least a couple crying children,
Remembering seeing one sitting in the shopping cart,
immensely,
PROFUSELY sobbing,
(I believe.. if I remember correctly..)
Also having his hand on his face..
When my mom said something to that mother,
By saying some like..
“Please do not hit your children!”
And then saying,
“It’s very hard for my children to see!”
Causing the mother to respond to my mother,
in front of me,
in front of the other shoppers,
in front of whoever others such as store retail workers, supervisors, managers..
(similar to the guy on the phone telling whoever to not cry..) by replying to my mother,
“MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!”

And then,
At least as of now,
I don’t precisely remember the rest,
But I believe,
We then continued shopping,

Aside from all the levels of micro and macro reasons,
That in my belief,
May be infinitely traced back in infinite different directions,
As for why they occurred..

?

As for me and my emotional needs when NEEDED,
I look for direct communication,
No excessive sarcasm,
I had enough of that,
Got enough pointless shame from others,
And passive aggression,

There’s a lot I KNOW I need to hear,
But how others want to teach me,
I fear,

Okay here’s a metaphor,
I fear any friendship sinking in cold,
cold water,
And my dying alone on pitch back surroundings,
alone in cold black water,
Aside from being strapped down, set on fire,
Put in a stove,
Buried alive,
Attacked by one or many frightening spiders..
Well..

Back to this..

And since my learning and social challenges,
cause me to struggle to a greater degree,
I may hear,
Whatever others want me to hear,
To a painfully louder degree?
Whether it’s how they dismiss me,
Or how I dismiss them,
But I often assume MANY of them don’t have equally bad PAYING ATTENTION deficits,
Their attention may be more equipped for technical and emotional survival when facing any equal struggle,
So am I too frequently,
“dismissing them”,
Equally intentionally ?

Just asking ..

You can and must remind me of my problematic behavior since,
If I overlook it over and over,
However,
And since one of my struggles happens to be hypersensitivity,
I fear how aggressive and mean others may correct me,
Even those who are nice to me and who I connect with deeply,
Since I believe all of us have many sides,
Including those who would get irritated it me,
And since I get irritated at myself,
I wouldn’t think it’s just myself..

And,
Since,

Getting too offended doesn’t help me think,
And learn clearly,
With the emotional discomfort,
Any form of harmful energy fills me,
And inhibits my cognitive thinking ability with,
Which I would GUESS is ONE reason why bullying may “shrink the brain”?

(Yes.. I could additionally do more research.. Still..)

And that doesn’t help with my confidence,
To attain for independent typical adult living,
I hope to meaningfully sustain,

Well..

I often have learned what may be considered (especially by me) “the hard way”,
Even though many may have assumptions in their own way ?
As long as their different opinions don’t cause them too brutally harm me,
Then I’ll MORE LIKELY accept their social company to a reasonable degree,

It often had to do with my anxiety,
learning challenges,
and low confidence failing with communication,
Why I compulsively want to correct everyone who I assume,
if not to some degree clearly see,
Have harmful misunderstandings of me,
Like assuming I’m being “sarcastic” when I’m NOT,
Then thinking I’m an asshole,
And thinking my struggles to complete a task are due to me being “lazy” instead of my learning challenges and emotional atypical vulnerabilities as distractions,
But since I believe correcting every misunderstanding,
Is bad for needed efficiency,
I’ll hope the bad energy will go away,
Regardless if they don’t eventually,
“benefit me” with their eventual “doubt”,
In their negative perception of me eventually..,

(I quoted that because it’s from a commonly known saying..)

Okay so,
The more aware I am,
The more I can likely safely self-advocate,
Even with the intention of trying to mitigate,
My surrounding environment,
Or world that is filled with fearful hate,

No,
I do NOT promote aggression to those who mistreat me,
As I CLEARLY implied if not said explicitly,
In my post,
And really all them which I guess,
Somehow include energy regarding,
ACCOUNTABILITY,

Since my posts come from my beliefs,
I believe,
Our beliefs,
We’re accountable for reasonably aligning our behavior with,

I also believe we must “examine life” in order to get the most out of it,
(Yes.. the Socrates quote regarding examining life..),
I feel these poems result from me examining my life experiences,
Such as how I responded to the man on the phone who directed expressed his objection to the person crying on the phone, as a clear release of (I would guess for them),
unusually difficult emotion,
In desperate need of alleviation,

It’s just that,
Like in my post titled “So There”,
The MORE I “see the big picture”,
The LESS likely I am to suffer,

And since what is internal,
Manifests in the external,
Hence,
The MORE aware I am of how to properly cultivate peace and feeling good the way I want,
The MORE I’ll do it,
Then the MORE I’ll feel it,
So I’ll KNOW how to helpfully use the most of it,

So therefore,
In my belief as always (as I often say),
The more I develop, or,
The more I “cultivate”,
A type of energy in me,
The more,
I’ll give off that certain type of energy,
Then the more likely I’ll attract and receive that particular type of energy,

Although in my belief there’s never a 100 percent guarantee,
However..
If I’m peaceful,
And emanate peace around me,
My energy may fill my surroundings and more likely protect me,

Hence the peace in me will (more likely (I guess)),
Somewhat heal the pain in me,
Less likely causing the inner painful build-up in me,
To explode into a painful catastrophe to whatever (as I often say) micro or macro degree,
When any form of painful energy from others spills out from the pain in them onto me..
Such as while working in retail,
A completely unwarranted emotional aggression to whatever micro or macro degree as a result of me not being able to answer their impatient,
Expectant,
Unimportant question,

AND IF,
My peaceful energy gets attacked by other’s toxic irrational,
traumatized and overly self-entitled aggressive or defensive energy,
My peaceful awareness will,
NOT guarantee,
but still (I guess, and HOPE) will help protect me to MORE LIKELY remain,
in a place of sane,
Peacefulness,
Especially so I maintain,
At least,
My present state of existence..

So,
I’ll LESS likely respond aggressively,
defensively,
And I’ll less likely escalate the situation catastrophically..
And I know,
Such as when driving,
There were moments when I have COMPLETELY failed to access good energy,
Instead..,
I’ve responded aggressively,

Due to my painful autistic history,
Creating a tempting overly self-entitled,
Victim mentality,

And have gotten VERY lucky,
To be here again,
Posting today (or tonight..),

Anyway,
Although there’s no guarantee,
However,
The energy I give off,
Is how I come across to other beings of energy,
And therefore it is the energy I’m more likely to attract and receive,

If I’m looking to join others in developing good energy,
The more I develop true good energy,
Then the more likely they’ll accept me,
Since the more I show this likeable energy, (an example of giving it off, or I guess “emanating” it..),
The more they’ll want to be around me,
Which is an example of attracting their good company or “energy” to join them for me and them to receive helpful “energy”,
Or share in the process of developing good life energy,

However,
If my energy is low confidence,
Or lack of self-control, FEARFUL, and therefore more DESPERATE and easier for others to control,
As a result of developing,
and emanating those harmful types of energy,
I’ll more likely give off energy that can make me more vulnerable to others who are with energy that is harmful,
Such as energy that is looking to fool others into their powerful control,

In this case,
I’ll more likely attract others who are seeking to control,
and excessively get something out of me, in a way that’s greatly harmful for me,

Hence I’ll receive toxic energy,

Of course hopefully it does NOT kill,
maim,
shorten or “ruin” my life too significantly..
(If at all obviously..)

Aside from the fact,
that I don’t want this harmful energy at all obviously..

Like me and my fragile insecure energy that increases my vulnerability,
To insatiably heal their own unaware insecure energy,
Instead of also trying to appreciate more that is in the present naturally,
And not attained through medication whether prescribed or socially,
That can be abused and cause harm later on..
for example..

The individuals with more power than me,
But who operate through the same type of destructive mentality,
Will be attracted to my vulnerability in order to feed off of me for their own security,
Whether it’s to feel more personal self-esteem “security” by “proving” to themselves they’re “better” than me by harming me such as asserting dominance over me,
Such as by beating me up or torturing me,

And of course they’ll want more insatiably,

Since,
through those means of external power seeking,
by brutally controlling another external being like me,
Will NOT get them in touch with appreciating,
What there can be to appreciate in the present moment,
Since they’ll always look infinitely in the wrong direction..
Instead of ever adequately consistently practicing true meaningful peaceful cultivation..

They’ll seek external control as a way to always feel more secure of what must me healed in the internal,
They’ll turn to a guy like me,
Try to get my money..
Try to exploit me,
Try to violently harm me..
All to feel more dominance and “assurance” of a “good” feeling of power and security,

And the world as it is today,
If we stay informed adequately,
If we find information sources we EXAMINE in order to sufficiently TRUST,
Well..
Aside from realizing and catching onto what we experience day to day,
We may wee this type of control on whatever level of micro and/or macro ways..,

So to examine life,
If we remain “stuck in our ways”,
Are we really experiencing in at least,
Reasonably preferred ways..

Just asking,
Since,
I’d like to know more,
For myself,
What I may be experiencing,

Which again is why,
I’m trying to examine the present physical form I’m in..
What that is a part of,
And how it relates,

Such as in this post,

My previous public posting,
My writing,
and in whatever moment during whatever I may be doing,

And my bad,
inadequately presently aware insecure energy won’t likely (INSTANTLY (if ever)) show them a better way,
So they’ll stay and endanger others including people like me,
Especially on their way of brutality..
Because of reasons such as my desperation for friends,
For reasons such as,
My desperation for the company of ANYBODY,
Which,
May make me turn to and trust them far more easily,
Than those in less vulnerable personal and environmental circumstances than me..

?

Also,
If they wanted me to work for them in their external search for control of the external,
due to excessive fearful ENERGY,
By brutally CONTROLLING others due to excessive FEAR of DISORDER..
Well..
My same fear of society being unstable,
May make me more likely to trust and “join with” them..

Of course,
An example may be money as an obsessive addiction of feeling in control,
So..
(Based on my belief(s) formed out of my experience(s) in my belief(s)..)
The less our awareness appreciates what’s internal,
And here all around right now,
The more narrow it’s vision becomes on how to feel “stable”..
The more it expects,
The less it accepts..

The more conditions it tells us it “requires” to feel well,
The easier it is to feel unwell,
So it (such as my insecure external seeking (non-inner healing considering) ego (I guess)) will more likely go through hell,
To feel well,
And will more likely give others hell,
Out of its level of desperation to feel well,

(Hypothetically speaking of my ego.. Obviously.. (not that I expect it to do this.. Especially since I’m trying to EXAMINE myself in order to continually learn to appreciate more and continually, increasingly PREVENT this..))

So,
(In my belief..),
The energy we cultivate,
Seems to NOT guarantee,
But affect the likelihood,
or chances,
Of the type of energy we surround ourselves with,
hence attract,
as well as receive,

At least,
As always..
That’s something I believe,

And even if we’re controlled brutally by fearful insatiable external seeking insecurity,
Or perpetual excessive fear of “instability”,
Whether it is from our own internal being,
Or whatever type(s) of authority,
Well..
Although there’s no guarantee,
(In my belief..),
The more we try to develop peace and equanimity,
The more likely,

We live peacefully and/or equanimously..

Yes,
Although I may also be quite bad at this,
I still try to adequately consistently,
EXAMINE my life and/or present experience,

To,
As I guess we all would practically prefer,
Regardless of the extent that we’re currently regarding this,
Make the best of this experience

Commitment

I can’t tell if there’s enough TEAM spirit,
Or too much negative morale and talking shit?
If you found a way of handling it,
Please help those with atypical higher challenges make the best of it,

Correcting every misunderstanding,
Whether it’s of me or whatever,
Is inefficient,
I must accept that others may not like me,
And I’ll struggle to not react negatively to aggressive negativity,

Of course,
Others have their own pain,
Which I may somewhat understand but struggle to emphasize with,
But I hope enough realize that we’re accountable to heal what’s bothering us, So we have LESS BOTHERING US,

But I don’t know how much others adequately realize this,
They may understand more practical, technical big pictures than me,
But do they understand that I struggle more to focus when they aggressively correct me,

So my time here is more worthy,

I WILL STILL,
Do my best to ADVOCATE for myself,
Always,

Although I’m trying to spread positive contribution through writing,
I don’t want to make any commitments,
Because when I try and my insecurity prevents me PERFECTLY fulfilling them the way I promised,
That makes me an easier target,
For others to take out their anger on me,
By excessively criticizing me over unnecessary, yet harmful, bullshit,

I’m doing my best to find my best environment,
Maybe other stores in the company I work for will help me attain and be more welcoming into their team spirit?

Well,
I’m still doing the best I know to adequately consistently “deal with it”,

That has always been my commitment,
And if you don’t offer me ways to better handle it,
But just want to criticize and make me feel bad about not being unnecessarily perfect,

Well,
How is that going to help with needed spirit,
How is that going to make me less medication dependent?
How is that going to help me experience closer to the best I can of it,

I believe good spirit,
Is a very IMPORTANT commitment,
Because who wouldn’t want that!?
Which is a reason why I’m trying to express and/or share feelings regarding it

Not Yet

When I’m alone by myself in a home my isolation brings up painful OCD making me NOT comfortable in my “comfort zone”,
Yet others assume not working must be “heaven” to people like me,
Yet with how it’s going now,
The job I’m learning is still where I’d rather be,
Especially due to my LONG term needs,
But as for the shorter term,
As for what I’m struggling to adapt to and learn,
Although I can’t possibly write everything I want since thoughts, feelings, and whatever are constantly passing me..
I’d still like to say that,

Usually when I follow what most tell me they believe is right I don’t feel right,
It too often doesn’t feel,
it doesn’t feel right,

?

Most tell me “you’ll be alright”,
But why is it that I often feel far less than right!?
This doesn’t feel right..

?

Of course I try to do the best at what I feel I should,
But I feel I could feel a lot better,
So something,
Or..
A lot,
Doesn’t feel right..

?

..

At the start of my day a lady politely asked me,
“Hey excuse me, may you scan this for me? I want to know the price”,
And since it’s not my job to do that,
and since I’m new and didn’t know exactly what to tell her where to check so she’d more likely remember,
I told her,
“sorry I don’t have a scanner”,
Then she aggressively,
grammatically INCORRECTLY expressed to me,

“WOW!! THEY DON’T HAVE NOTHING TODAY!!”,

Then,
She angrily strolled along the way as I exclaimed “I’m new!!”,
And as I predicted,
Due to whatever she was going through that I couldn’t see through..
She robotically ignored me,
Causing me to feel the disrespect and distracting need to write,
Since how she reacted to me just,
DID NOT FEEL RIGHT,

After that I got the confidence to ask an employee hesitantly if I could and/or if one or any others could,
“kick her out?”,
Then after repeating to him what exactly she said to me,
After he shook his head firmly,
he responded with no empathy or worker/team comradery by telling me,
“No. You can’t kick her out”,

Although I’m still accountable to make the energy in my work environment helpful,
And although in my belief two wrongs don’t help us discover how to attain and maintain what is more right,
Honestly,
If others aren’t “PC” to me,
That doesn’t help me respond with helpful, less aggressive, less defensive, less escalating energy,
Seriously!!

I try to respect others who are different than me,
but I have problems when I feel that certain INDIVIDUALS do not reciprocate fairly,
So no,
Aside from those who are nice,
Unlike many others,
such as the woman who wanted to know the price..,
And although the customer is always, “ALWAYS RIGHT”
I struggle controlling myself when my hypersensitivity makes me feel that TOO MUCH for me doesn’t feel right,

So after it was clear to the coworker I was upset such as when I said,
“I just wanted to make sure”,
As the coworker was walking away he briefly nodded his head,
then instantly dismissed what I said,

I’ll say it again.. although “the customer is always right”,
Although I AGREE that there’s TOO much wrong on the planet Earth evidently,
Still, it doesn’t seem right when individuals treat me with an excessive self-entitled victim mentality..
I wish we could make it more valued to cultivate more helpful,
clear energy so we can make personal and world,
existential progress more helpful for ANY environment we’re in that’s inevitable such as while we’re in hectic retail environments that entail producing NEEDED resources for surviving..

Hence, I believe, the more clear we are internally, the clearer we’ll safely ADVANCE in any needed areas externally..,

And even though I have autism,
Even though I react more to the same level of meanness in an environment that claims to not discriminate to those on a “spectrum” like me..
Well..
Although SOME are nice,
I still feel they wouldn’t prefer to invite or be around me..
and since this is one of,
if not the best work environments available to me,
To attain and sustain the most of my short and LONG term needs..

Today,
(or yesterday (speaking for the time I now revising this..)),
I risked my life by trying to take stuck cardboard of the cardboard “baler and compactor”,
and didn’t realize I had to push the red button to shut it off so it doesn’t accidentally turn on and kill me so I don’t end up on “1,000 Ways to Die”, etc, etc,

After a coworker yelled at me for my safety,
by yelling to me something like,
“YOU CAN’T BE IN THERE”, Although later I saw another coworker go in there leaving the button on,
And although another guy told me the machine is somehow NOT designed for that to happen,
so,
if anything,
me dying that kind of frightening death might just be one and a million.. ?

And when I turned the “baler and compactor” on and used it again,
it got jammed,
then I yelled something like.. “AHHHHH!!”
then kicked some yet to be compressed boxes and the coworker was like,
“Are you alright??”
And I was like “NO!!”
Then he was like “Why!?”
Then I was like
“Because I broke it and I’m going to get fired!!”,
And he’s like
“no you didn’t, you just have to do this” and he moved the start button up, or did something I overlooked that was so easy and would’ve prevented that burst of crazy energy..
And then once he finished,
the compactor finished compacting..

Then I’m like..

“Oh I see”
Then as I somewhat predicted he said,
“You’ll be fine”..
and I think I said out of my need for honesty..
“We’ll see”,
Then he exclaimed,
“Relax!”
As if I could just press a “relax button” like the one on the “baler and compactor”..
So yes he did teach me a VERY IMPORTANT SAFETY PRECAUTION about the garbage/recycling machinery, even if I now have worse paranoia,
insecurity due to my stupidity manifesting in more OCD..,
and whatever of my usual, “atypical” inner difficulty so I’m STILL not relaxed unfortunately..,

However I thank him for looking out for my safety,
Even if he doesn’t like me..,

And still,
According to what I assume about how others view me..,
I’m “NOT allowed” any “victim mentality”,

With all my challenges,
that have become exacerbated,
Although I want to believe others are right,
And hope they’ll help me feel more right,
Well,
Lots just does NOT seem right,
Including my hypersensitivity,
Which,
If I could just stop automatically,
Since that’ll make it WAY easier,
I WOULD OBVIOUSLY!!

I slightly non-harmfully lose control and I’m then told I like I was by a guy who I was loading shopping carts for that I need “thick shin to work here”,
yet I’ve always tried to have “thick skin” to deal with inevitable difficulty especially from others I assume to have “thicker skin” such as the guy who I was helping at the register, who’s a cool social person, who also got angry at my for helping unload customer’s carts onto the conveyor belt after he told me,
“no you’re supposed to stay over there”,
Then I’m like,
“They told me to also help them load onto the cart”,
And he’s like “Stay over there guy!”
And I’m like “but they told me to do both”,
And he’s like
“Stay over there guy!!”
And I’m like
“Yes, I know I’m supposed to help load carts, but if I’m not at that moment they told to help unload them onto the conveyor belt”..
Then he’s like,
“MAH BAD”,
Even though he was clearly mad..

And I was mad that I felt I was making people’s day harder due to having autism since once again,
Although where I work is considered one of the “best places to work” in the US if you research it .. (maybe I’ll look for a source later.. but just because I’m struggling here, does not mean most would to the same or a similar degree OBVIOUSLY),

However,
If I could just instantly have thick skin,
Feel and get more wins..
WHY would I NOT choose to have that!!?
Not saying that’s what anyone was saying,
But why would I NOT choose to have it if I can just instantly attain it!!?
Aside from my appreciation of the people who have confidence in me,
Even though they somehow imply or tell me explicitly,
“You’ll be fine, You’ll see”,

Well..

With all I carry with me,
That has built in me,
That prevents me to see or respond clearly and effectively even to any level of expected or unexpected adversity,
When I check in,
internally,
feeling fine is often not what I see and feel..
I have lots to untangle..
And I continue to feel like I excessively struggle,
Yet I feel I must still adequately consistently do this which includes, While I’m in environments in which I greatly struggle,

And AGAIN,
since I hear this is one of the “best places to work”, especially as for long term NEEDED benefits,
If I feel for me that EVEN this environment is harmful or an overall inadequate benefit,
For me,
That’s not a good sign, is it?
OF COURSE IT ISN’T!!

Sometimes my judgmental part of me says,
I have Asperger’s in an environment of assholes,

As I wrote this beginning draft section in the break room I was being distracted by Judge Milian then Judge Judy on TV,
And not to judge judges..

However,
As for me too frequently,
I know even when I don’t understand the context,
and details due to being thrown off by high level learning challenges and emotional intensity,

In general,

The energy what I take in TOO often lay, especially from those who are MORE POWER AND AUTHORITY than me such as who I SEE AND HEAR ON MAINSTREAM TV doesn’t feel right to me,
And although I believe in ACCOUNTABILITY,
I believe in empathy,
And I believe PUNISHMENT is different since for me,
it has not helped me see clearly,
And since we have a right to a FAIR TRIAL as I STRONGLY agree,
Let’s take that OPPORTUNITY,
To use it empathically,
And yes I’d probably be far more aggressive if not permissive than celebrity judges but honestly..
STILL..
There’s just SO much intensity,
That blinds me excessively from helpful empathy and thinking sufficiently clearly to help myself and contribute the best I can to making living have more peace, happiness and equanimity,

Although I know this,
Yes,
I can still be judgmental too insensitively and EXCESSIVELY,

But since I can also be a nice,
sensitive person who looks to better myself to help myself and be more equipped at helping others..
Well..
The fact that I still feel “in the wrong” and just not well although I’m trying to do everything they suggest,
I still have this pain,
such as in my chest,
And well..
it just does NOT emotionally feel right,

And I have to say,
Since I’m SURE that I’m not the only one who does NOT want to be the victim of discrimination,
Since I’m in an environment that “does not discriminate”,
The way I respond to how those react to my autism builds distracting hate in me..

When I was younger,
I might’ve tried to apologize to get them to like me,
even though,
It was THEM,
Who were perpetuating harmful energy UNWARRANTEDLY!!

Yet,

I’m NOT allowed any victim mentality according to many in society,
I’m NOT allowed to fight,
And I don’t for reasons I believe that doesn’t awaken but makes stuff more painful,
However,
They way I respond to how others responding to me,
To me,
Does not seem,
Does not feel RIGHT,

Today was my first day at “produce” handling,
and since they’re “second in the nation”, that produced,
more hopelessness and anxiety in me, since I don’t view myself as “excellent”, since where I work values “excellence”,

In one of the orientation training videos they said perfectionism “is unhealthy”, hence (not to sound arrogant)
All the inner pain I have from OCD interferes with my EXCELLENT capability which the company I work for EXPECTS of me,

Since it’s clear to me the importance of and why they value “excellence” instead of obsessive compulsive inefficient “perfection”,
With all my inner insecure struggles that manifest in OCD,
Well,
I just won’t produce enough excellence to handle produce to keep their reputation..
I expect from others, lots of judgment and aggression for failing to meet their “excellence” expectations,

And in another video at orientation,
They said where I work values treating others with “respect” and is AGAINST discrimination which includes,
including hiring and respecting those with levels of autism like me,

And although where I work values “respecting those with different opinions”,
If they’re opinion causes them to feel a need to cause harm to me,
My opinion is I must show I believe they should not disproportionately mistreat me,
Especially if I did NOT cause any or excessive harm to the company,

But it was no surprise to me,
that my coworker at the register told me that “I must watch out for everybody”,
Since “It’s like high-school all over again” unfortunately,
And that,
“even though they’re adults”
Who shittalk others behind their back and to their face,
and have high-school and middle school drama over reasons that are just so damn petty,
But manifest (in my belief) out of pain and insecurity..

..

With all the toxic culture producing trauma,
insecurity and a disregard for paths of maturity,

THIS IS NO SURPRISE TO ME,

Even in a work environment that is expected to me among the most suitable for those like me,
To me,
it just does NOT SEEM RIGHT,
Hence it is seemingly NOT and good sign,
And as for what’s to come to me,
It sometimes (if not often) fills me with,
FRIGHT,

And yes,
It could obviously be much, MUCH worse,
But after people reprimand me due to being a slow, obsessive compulsive, anxious traumatized learning,
Sometimes,
I’ll indirectly express how they made me upset and they’ll often dismissively, simplistically say something like,
“You’ll be fine”,

But will I?
Will it be adequately “fine”?
Because knowing my past,
what I’m carrying in the present,
and all I fear for my future,
Will it really work out alright?
Since for reasons that I can go on and on about,

It just does not feel right..

I’m told I need to relax more,
and the cashier who I was helping load bags for,
GRABBED my 26 year old wrist to get my learning and emotionally challenged attention to supportively tell me,
I must not be around children in carts because if they yell
“it’s automatically your fault”,
and I’m like,
“you mean even if it’s not my fault I’ll get blamed for it?”
Then he nodded his head,
Then numerous times customers told him “thank you”,
but not nearly as often and sincerely to me,
even though I felt I was being treated more aggressively (even for a new guy) and I would not be surprised if others are shittalking me PROFUSELY,
but at least this job has “better long term benefits”,
but I still don’t feel I deserve all this level of bullshit,
and it’s hard regardless of the degree others mean it,
and the levels of understandable causes behind it,
As I always explain it,

And as for,
those who judge me brutally,
In order to “not try to selfishly be the better guy”,
but to help with the energy ..
at least online,
even though barely anyone reads my posts,
they’ll still be somewhere floating around..
So I’m doing my present best since I’m still around ..

And yesterday another kitchen coworker empathetically said,

“You seem like you hate it here”,

Then I briefly told him about my anxiety, learning and other challenges that came to mind,
Then he reminded me to,
“do what I enjoy”,

Even though I would if it was that easy,
Which I assume he knew and I do appreciate the supportive kindness he offered me,
Regardless of what he might be saying behind my back about me..?

Still,
Any kindness is always helpful for me,

Then another guy who answered a customer’s question for me,
questioned and looked down at me literally and figuratively suspiciously,
When I was telling him about my struggles and learning disabilities,
and instead of emphasizing at all that I could then feel and see,

He said,
like many others did,
as I already know ..
“it’s a fast paced environment”,
and he reminded me once again that I should “try my best”,

Which I’m DOING,

In order to experience life my best,
but I still guess,
many just do not care to understand how I struggle,
which I understand,
since it’s understandable,
that many want to focus on themselves to have the best experience they can have with their “typical” capability,
that I wish I had ..
and that guy seemingly reluctantly said “I’ll see you around”..
Then strolled the produce cart of empty boxes he just finished unloading in the compactor,
Away from me,

But I wonder,
As one of my supervisors told me,
About the petty drama,
shittalking,
And all that,
What that other guy and all others REALLY think and what they’re REALLY saying about me ..

Even one of my supervisors frivolously said,
“even though I’m your boy you also must watch out for me”,

Which I can see since,
throughout my life,
many have dark sides and since I have learning and emotional struggles I get why most,
even the nicest,
express anger at me to some degree eventually..,

Like the kind supervisor who said regarding produce he instructed me to handle,
“Hey why are they like that?”
Then,
“Talk to me”,
Then I said something like,
“Oh sorry”,
And eventually he was like,
“Since they know I’m the one training you they’ll be like ‘what did you tell him!?’”,
And I’m like “yeah I’m really sorry man”,
Then he was like,
“I’m just playing man”,
And then I’m like,
“Word I appreciate you telling me because most others haven’t been when they’ve talked that way to me”,
And then he said,
“Sorry”,
And that was when he eventually told me, after I asked,
That here I must,
“watch out for everybody”
even sides of him apparently,

And well as he said,
Aside that others may still tell me,
“Just relax, it’ll be alright”,
Lots of what I see,
Speaking for me.. obviously,
Does not seem right,
Sadly ..

And well ..

As I responded when the guy who grabbed my wrist asked either me or a passing customer, “How you doing?”
I said,
“Haven’t quit yet”,
Then got embarrassed because I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me,
But before that guy I was working for also told me,
“Once your here for a couple months” it’ll get better essentially,
But as always,
If I’m still adequately conscious,

I WILL SEE,

And,
I’m still looking for the best sustainable feeling,
in the best possible environment,
and I’m not giving up,
although it’s obvious I have not found it yet ..
Although I struggle to feel “up” while keeping my head up..
Although,
I understand people,
“know what they know”,
Although people can control what they can presently control..
Like I’m doing the best I presently remember and “know” especially for the degree I need self-control that’ll make it most likely I’ll work and/or interact adequately safely..

Although,
I understand that when the low-confident, fearfully obedient, hypersensitive part of myself gets offended even when others try to help me,
Clearly..
At least hopefully regarding offending me they “don’t mean it”,
even though it still instantly hits me or sometimes later on resurfaces,
and makes me feel like shit..

Even though as I implied,
I believe we all struggle for different reasons to different degrees to control inner insecurity and adversity..,

Even though all the bullshit,
is making it harder for me,
to not wind up on enough prescribed or non-prescribed harmful long term medication,
to remain in “control”..
Well,
Just letting go as much as I can will give me less hell..

And welp,
I need a FULL TIME job with NEEDED benefits,
and although I expect more and more various forms and levels of bullshit,

I’m not giving up,
Yet continuing to,
SHOW UP,

And,
At least I still..
have not yet,
“permanently” lost it,

Also,
If anyone gets in trouble due to me telling someone else how they insanely mistreated me,
over nothing important,
I’ll “keep it real” with them,
Since I also deserve a job,

And since I should NOT be discriminated against,
just because I have my level of autism..

I am literally DONE trying to be nice to those who aren’t nice to me,
just to get them and others to like me..
Yes.. that was the part of me I’m trying to control for the importance of the development and sustenance of my inner and all other healing energy..

Again,
I would not be surprised if many or at least certain people are talking “mad shit about me”,
Seriously,
I don’t get “special treatment”,
If you read this and other posts that may be enough to prove it,
and the reason why I try to briefly tell people about my autism is so they know .. but they unfortunately often forget,
when they’ll have a worse than usual day .. or experience worse than usual pain in whatever way,
they’ll see me as another obstacle harmfully in their perfectionist way or insecure way,
and will then say something that may easily ruin my day,
Then likely will stick with me in some way ..

I repeat similar occurrences due to similar experiences,
with the intention of describing them in a clearer and clearer way ..
and even though I may not express better or may instead express worse ..
of course I still wish at least enough of my written expression helps contribute to some good,
needed force,

I have to also say that,
If we need to be informed to experience life for ourselves,
Or help others experience life better,
Then in that case ignorance is NOT “bliss”,
but may more accurately be regarded,
as to whatever degree deliberately or accidentally ignoring or not considering what can make us feel better in any present we’re experiencing,

?

At least I still,
Have,
Not yet,
quit,

At least I still,
haven’t yet,
“lost my shit”,

I’m “getting my shit together”,
and still trying to prepare myself better,
for more shit to come,

I’m,

Still in it

Not Fine to Me

As always, I struggle with hypersensitivity,

They say “you seem fine to me”,
but as for what I feel and see,

I must say..

Being innately hypersensitive and a slow learner and having that made worse by others who didn’t see me positively and chose to use my struggles against me did not seem “fine to me”,

Carrying all these judgments from others who tell me “you seem fine to me” because they assume because I’m special that I get “special treatment” when in reality I’m excluded, rarely hired, rarely invited, occasionally threatened, frequently excluded does not seem “fine to me”,

Due to all my painful experiences and various forms of brutally low confidence due to how others treated me that still against my present will sticks with me and causes me to immensely struggle to not lose control over the smallest, most microscopic aggression that creates my life ending explosion does not seem “fine to me”,

Becoming dependent on medication to lift my spirits out of all my past pain, present sadness and future hopelessness in environments harmful to me that I feel stuck in does not seem “fine to me”,

Worrying I’ll screw up then having that interferes even more with my challenges at “seeing the big picture” causing me to screw up EVEN MORE causing other perfectionists using that against me to exacerbate my obsessive compulsive insecurity DOES NOT SEEM “FINE TO ME!!!!”

And when I’m doing great then get reprimanded due to a petty complaint then regress back into that brutally low confident state well..
That does not seem “fine to me!!”

Seeing others happily enjoy their company while they act defensive, aggressive and intolerant of me does not seem “fine to me”,

Fearing that I’ll die painfully as a result of others not wanting to include me does NOT seem “fine to me”..

Of course I can go on infinitely with what does not seem “fine to me”,

But as for others who tell me “you seem fine to me”.. well I see it differently,
Especially because they’re not me,
Don’t know me or my experiences nearly as equally,
And when I try to briefly inform them about my struggles that I feel they need to hear,
In order to advocate for myself, to take care of myself,
When they dismissively say,
“You seem fine to me”,
Making me feel like “I have nothing to be upset about based on what I experienced..”,

Well..

That just does NOT seem fine to me

STILL AT IT

Although I have innate greater emotional reactivity,
I’m still not sure if others would tolerate me being mean to them to the same degree they are to me ?

It’s another day and I’m struggling to answer customers questions frequently, while I’m frequently assuming aggressions of whatever degree,

I’m not sure how much I’m repeating and if I am,
I’m not sure how much it’s necessary for stuff like needed emphasis evidently..

???

Since I met the obsessive goal..
Yes as expected,
I have other obsessive goal “rules” I haven’t exactly predicted..

And now,
After I felt a GREAT need to slow my posting..
The writing has just been flowing..

I know,
I have an innate tendency that has got worse due to others using it against me which is going to slow,
And the one time I put something on a narrow loaf of bread the woman aggressively said why I shouldn’t do that which was obvious,
And it’s obvious as I’ve posted since I missed the big picture,
How one of the supervisors didn’t understand either,
And she said as I always know that I’m “GOING TOO SLOW”,
And she’s like, “It’s like this”,
As I always know..
Yet with my energy boost I still FOR THOSE FEW MOMENTS wasn’t loading the carts at the register fast enough,

And since people DIED for others to have rights like me,
Since I was told that my place of work DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE AGAINST THOSE LIKE ME,
Since plenty of other employers or retailers would be TOO judgmentally dismissive, closed-minded and excessively scared to higher me..

So yes I’m repeating how I’m STILL struggling in a work environment that I’m told is highly regarded by many!!

Yet many will emphasize and remind me even though they probably know that I know I MUST NOT LET THE SMALL STUFF GET TO ME,
But with my history and inner pain blowing up in me,
I must stay peacefully alert and aware of the slightest aggression NOT catastrophically putting my and other’s life in jeopardy..

And I’m definitely repeating this since I’m faced with numerous similar occurrences..

Those typical individuals that have a JOVIAL time with other typical individuals displace their insecurity on me when present stress causing it to resurface in the presence of me,

CAUSING ME TO WRITE DURING MY BREAKS INSTEAD OF ENJOYING THEK WITH PRESSURE TO WRITE BEFORE I FORGET,

Yet I’ll repeat that truth that what goes away may always return clearer..

YESTERDAY,
I posted “STILL WITH IT”,
And as I repeated with other examples including that poem “Always More”,
I just had to ALSO write this since there’s ALWAYS MORE such as today as I expected it ..

There’s so much bullshit I can’t possibly write about all I experience of it..
At least not adequately since there’s SO DAMN MUCH OF IT,

I get it,
I can’t be causing problems due to my emotional and social challenges but I DIDN’T,

Practically everyone, regardless of their mood, safely, successfully, still purchases enough essentials and shit..
So even though I have not caused TOO much of any problems,
I still must prepare for more bullshit ..

And yes,
Some I’m around emphasize and get it even if they have periods where they can’t stand it,
Due to whatever they’re dealing with while being in this FAST PACED ENVIRONMENT..

But if I didn’t have all these inner struggles weighing me down..
WOW!!

I’d be so much more..

WITH IT,

And to HONOR those who died or somehow gave their lives so I can have a job and these rights,

FOR THEM,

And myself..

I’M STILL GOING AT IT!!!!!

Healing It

Speaking from my present belief,
And speaking especially to remind myself for remaining in adequate “alignment with my integrity”,
Especially regarding accountability,
Or responsibility..
Or both..
I want to share a thought and/or feeling that,

Just because we understand,
sympathize and/or emphasize with why anyone is “like that”,
does not excuse it,
especially with regard to healing it,

For how they (and speaking for myself..), How I,
impact myself and any others,

I do NOT intend to sound harsh,
But since healing may clearly imply more consistent better feeling(s),

That’s something I’m intending on clearly conveying

Intensity

(Sorry if I screwed any posting up due to technical difficulties, not understanding how to turn off “autosave” or whatever..)

Anyway..

If my behavior changes and/or,
If I change my behavior,
To whatever degree,
and say,
To whatever degree I say “it’s for the better”,
They may still feel I’m not well and I’m like..
“oh well”..
What can I do..?

They have more power than me,
I’ll never give up,
But I’ll just once again,
relax and wait for an end,
or adequate decrease..
of the painful intensity..

I’m now waiting for this obsessive feeling,
Which manifests in over explaining such as excessively,
Feeling a need to explicitly or implicitly state,
Or repeat,
What I don’t NEED to repeat,

Regardless of whatever,
Regardless of how it manifests as whatever

Remaining Up

I always assume,
No matter what any others have, is or will be experiencing,
That..
“I’m the one who is in ‘greater pain’”,
“That I’m one who is more unhappy, more stressed, less peaceful, and somehow in an inevitable ‘deeper’ struggle”..

And among all else I unawarely assume that fills me with more unwanted negativity..
I assume others don’t like me,
Because when they “sense my uncomfortable energy”,
They “gravitate away from me”,
So they “don’t become like me”,
So they “don’t become less peaceful, more stressed and unhappy”..

Yes..
With all else that gives me negativity,

My assumptions are still not positively serving me,

And now,
After this post I have met my obsessive compulsive goal of uploading “adequately over 100 posts”,
Which yes,
I still have so much more that I wrote before these recent posts that I was more excited, and still excited to post..
But well,

This is me failing to resist OCD,
Hence making it worse,
However,

Even though I have LOTS of revising to do and..
Even though I may sometimes TOO frequently,
Give in,
I will NEVER,
Give up,

My spirit still reasonably,
remains up