Doses

If you read my writing too often you’ll probably get sick of it.. This is probably far from enough revising for publishing yet.. Well.. I don’t know..

However, I try to remember that.. Just like toxic food and toxic entertainment, People have to take my presence in proper doses, Too much of me may be harmful for anybody, Even those diagnosed with “autism” like me, But please, please try not to use my struggles against me, For me,

You see, Those who struggle to pay attention give others a very valid reason to not like them, And those who have immense “problems”, Don’t prefer to be around others with “problems”, Especially if the “problems” are the same, Since.. Who wants more of the same problems!? No one wants more problems, Since the word is “problems”,

Maybe I’ll be homelessly, “mentally ill-ly” dancing on a NYC street one day.. ? While others pass me by and think, “UHH!! I hope I NEVER become like that guy!!!” Or.. “He ain’t really homeless”, Or say to their children.. “You see son, there’s a crazy side in all of us”.. (Well maybe not that but any economically self-sustaining individual (parent or not) that’s passing may likely see something in themselves manifesting in me that they don’t want to be around especially so they don’t become like me..) Or parents might be like.. “Do NOT let go of my hand.” Or if their children are old enough to understand they might say.. “That’s his medication side effects.”And maybe the side effects will make me burst into tears.. Forcibly balancing emotion one way may make it swing back another way with similar force that I’ll struggle controlling due to my various circumstances.. Of course my sleep deprived/medication affected emotion will still change day by day.. or second by second.. (to more presently regard it..)

Welp.. Although life on earth for most of the population of beings with feelings has seemingly improved, Life sure can still be a brutally unfair game.. And winning enough for ourselves and ethically winning for others is a differently challenging emotional/moral level to arrive at.. For myself at least..

As for backing up my claims about “autism”.. At age five, To be honest, I never read a book about it, Since, I’ve been diagnosed with it, So.. Revising the book or whatever I wrote about it, Would be the book I read about autism,

I already did that although most of it I’ve not yet made public.. I really hope it doesn’t get destroyed by hackers.. but as for those in need of money, Maybe they’ll realize my writing won’t sell anyway.. If hackers were to hack.. (Obviously there’s the fear of WordPress hackers changing what I said in the poem..)

I also fear that a friend who now hates me for standing up to them for myself does NOT try to hack or hire anyone to hack to delete all my writing.. If that were to happen, Clearly staying peaceful would be very challenging..

I also really must proceed safely about what I make public, Since I don’t know how others will react to it, I don’t need more bullshit, I really don’t need more of that.. It’s hard for me.. As I look to be more self-sustaining.. To find a welcoming empathic environment, in which my present and long term needs will be met.. I’m still going, Even in moments of feeling upset.. I haven’t lost my present life’s freedom yet..

As for doses, I need to be considerate, For my own and others safety, Since our decisions affect ourselves and everybody since we’re an interdependent world family, Truthfully according to me,

I believe, All sentient beingness, Inevitably coexist, I guess it’s common sense, ? If you pay attention to life experience, You may feel evidence, Of sentient interdependence..

As for me, The amount of doses I take in, Seem to impact, My present state, Of consciousness, Which impacts my wellness and those around me.. Although this may be obvious, I need to remind myself to be aware of this.. To avoid bullshit, In a world of bullshit, And since I’m an idiot, With a “deformed head”, As one of many cyberbullies attacking me in a YouTube comment thread constantly said last June and July, after I confronted about making a joke about autism by asking him “do you have it”, But as for consideration of others most people can’t stand it.. I may be more in danger of it, And as for whatever feels bad now, Maybe it’ll get better soon..

Hopefully that user never finds my blog if they saved my YouTube URL after finding my channel outside the livestream thread which includes a link to this blog in the about “section”.. I still have the option to approve comments from a gmail notification..

Man.. I hope to find more peaceful locations.. For me and everyone.. And as for compassion I wish that other person well, But those people are only welcome if they are respectful and if their jokes about me and anyone are not harmful..

But if I were to ever get a lot of comments.. That’ll become more out of my control.. But I can have self-control, No matter at what level people treat me in ways that are disrespectful..

Or to rephrase that without needing to rhyme at the end syllable.. Well.. No matter how mean people are to me externally, No matter how much pain they cause me, I can still practice feeling better internally.. At least hopefully..

And yes, Those ending line rhyming syllables in that last stanza just happened to flow through me generously.. Just thought I’d acknowledge that in case anyone were to arrogantly call me arrogant..

Okay..

Thanks for reading that dose of my writing.. As for the present world average of reading people do, I don’t know how big or small or average that was..?

I can revise more, have my senses pick up on more even based on what I remember.. But we can always be more aware for self, others, and.. EVERY ENERGY MANIFESTATION IN WHATEVER DEGREE OF SOLID AND SPACE..

Thanks for continuing reading.

Thank you for taking the time.

And of course, Thanks to the person who worked to create WordPress AND those who WORK to keep WordPress and the internet going.. May the energy of critics nitpicking be mentally, physically and emotionally helpful..

I must’ve forgot to say or didn’t feel a need to say a lot, but I think I included a lot.. could be better.. well..

And I guess awareness must be taken in doses, so it doesn’t overtake your behavior, causes others to get too scared and block too much of it out of you, Although I’m referring to something, I hope what I said is suitable and helpful to whatever you may be experiencing..

Haha, I wouldn’t want to assume myself and “start something”..

And I guess awareness must be taken in doses, so it doesn’t overtake your behavior, causing others get too scared and block too much of it out of you, Although I’m referring to something, I hope what I said is suitable and helpful to whatever you may be experiencing..

Well.. I think it’s my right to not get forced to much medication, I believe in living free, and not getting zombified or dying too hard, (Reference: Incase I don’t get obsessively accused of plagiarism I’m referring to the common saying “live free or die hard”)

Many thanks 🙏

Revise, Let Grow, Repeat

Social anxiety plus learning challenges equals brutally low confidence,

If I already anticipate a sad ending, then for me, how would owning a gun change anything? Yes I know it’s selfish since it increases the chances of more killing since means of killing are easier and I’ll back that claim up by claiming it’s common sense.. But very low confidence is a bad feeling,

Well.. everyone’s trying.. I’m manic and wanted to post again with little revising.. however my posts will be slower hopefully with more crafting.. and maybe I’ll post some short stories.. In case I don’t, I just wanted to say what I’m intending,

I guess it’s not always easy feeling powerful while staying peaceful, and never doing anything harmful..

I’m going to keep going, I’m going to keep going,

But my posting will be significantly slowing so I work on crafting, Writing, conveying or clear expressing ability comes before the number of posts, just saying..

We have different challenges and blessings.. Regardless of my level of writing I need to slow posting to develop crafting.. Although my obsessive compulsiveness has caused my phone reminders to overload, I put a daily iPhone reminder for any writing draft to “revise, let grow, repeat, until you feel it’s complete”,

So that’s my intention, Way more revision, Since creative quality is what makes better creativity which has nothing to do with quantity, In my opinion,

Well.. I at least feel quality is more important

More Words

Overcome, succumb, dumb, Sometimes words feel numb..

If we always view kindness as fakeness then we’ll always act mean if we mean to be real, or honest, or sincere, or authentic, or whatever word is most appropriate to whatever we’re presently feeling..

I just need some escapist indulging but no shit I don’t plan on overdoing..

Self-control prevents evil, because evil is impulsively irrational so maybe we need some long term thinking for greater consideration of really avoiding less suffering and here I go again with preaching, over-writing without revising and organizing my thinking..

Welp.. here’s to what I’m presently perceiving

Harder

I practiced 20 times more, They practiced 20 times smarter, My life was 20 times harder, So they’re 20 times better, I just try to appreciate the present since I tried and became a failure, The present is all I have.. Sorry for preaching, Sorry if you’re having any level of negative interpreting when reading this.. I’m simply trying to express a feeling

Head

When I was like 12.. My friend once saw a baby picture of me and indicated how large my head was..

My head grew large since my infant brain was trying to correct itself, Of course I got bullied by the smaller smarter heads, All this excess hasn’t helped me..

Most of me feels like a waste of space if I’m perceiving how I feel accurately.. I blame the morning sickness medicine called “Phenergan” my mom took while pregnant with me in the mid 90s, I blame the pharmaceutical industry or society, for not informing her how to deal with the brutal morning sickness differently.. That medication has probably gave me the problems I have that endangered me to wind up on more medication.. especially since I was vulnerable and sensitive..

But.. were the institutions and friends/bullies trying to tell me something I needed to hear? What else is still not clear that I need to feel better? Or am I just desperately looking for a convenient answer to feel better without considering long term/overall opportunity costs?

To be true to how I feel, Honestly, I don’t know what I truly feel, Unfortunately..

I just hope to feel better for longer.. I guess

I just overheard my mom saying she only took “half the dose they prescribed” since she read this poem.. God dammit. God fucking dammit. Imagine if she took the prescribed dose. Just fucking imagine.

As Long As

May I let obsessive thoughts go to focus on the fire that is burning me, May I let obsessive thoughts go, To resist the burning less, May I let mental clinginess go to open to discomfort to suffer less.. I often don’t feel I can do this, But I feel I must never stop trying this, As long as I’m conscious,

Whatever is torturing me, Is where I feel my attention must be, If I want to resist less and suffer to a smaller degree, I think that’s what I’m trying to say? I think..?

I just wanted to write this during meditating with my mom and brother to be honest, But I felt I needed to also remember this.. So I can better myself since we all want to feel better, Since it’s called “better”..

But here’s my perception of where I’m at in this writing moment..

I also think that, If there’s thought control and we don’t believe or see it, Then our thoughts have been controlled for us to not see or believe it,

So..

Hopefully we realize harmful energy in us or whoever just to FEEL BETTER

I don’t think so

It’s easy to sell out my truth if I’m desperate and if I’m not in a culture that helps me live in alignment with it, “it” being my truth,

If my culture doesn’t practice self-control, and if I lose control, is it really just my fault!!?? Is it really just my fault!!? I don’t think so,

Sometimes I need respect, Sometimes I need help out of the unconscious and irrational, I need others as well for survival

Mr. Sunglasses

Of course.. By “Rick’s Club American” in my hometown of Congers.. A stranger at a crosswalk gave me an angry shameful gesture since I didn’t let him cross, Since it’s a crosswalk, not a stop light.. Since it’s a busy road right behind a route 303 traffic light.. and without signs saying to stop for those crossing crosswalks..

Oh man.. I wanted to fuck him up.. I already said how past bullying I let happen to me, But it’s the same type of experience perpetually.. Although I understand it, the painful suppressed emotions can blind me after being triggered unexpectedly.. And I said that those days of being stepped on are over for me, permanently, THE DAYS OF ME BEING A PUSHOVER ARE OVER.

(And while glancing in the rearview I noticed he didn’t express himself angrily at the other car behind me.. which didn’t help me let go of my victim mentality (even if it is reality..))

While stopping at the railroad tracks as the train passed, While considering the consequences such as going to jail for the rest of my life for manslaughter if I was to run over him with my mom’s car.. And since my OCD has been making me hopeless, I then considered going down a bad track.. So I turned around to see if I could find him to lower the window to at least yell at him telling him and his fucking sunglasses.. “IT’S A CROSSWALK NOT A LIGHT!!”While also assuming he never had autism but had it all together..

It’s another fucking stranger.. Whose probably pissed due to covid cause he can’t handle isolation unlike me since I self-isolated my whole fucking life due to how people like him treated me… And those sunglasses really got to me.. While he’s seemingly enjoying himself he really shouldn’t be stepping on me..

Jeezz 

I can use some kindness.. PLEASE

I already talked about having nothing to lose, Even if I do have much to lose, I will still consciously or unconsciously choose, Consciously or unconsciously consider and be aware from moment to moment, encounter to encounter, disrespect to disrespect.. I’ll go crazy without booze.. But I’m also susceptible to it since I get hopeless after always feeling like I lose..

Well.. I then went to the Sloatsburg gas station after switching cars with my brother by New City elementary, where I started writing this poem.. and had to stop to continue writing again..

And then.. The guy at the gas station behind me gave me a seemingly dirty look when writing this, since he noticed I wasn’t getting gas, so I drove up to Plattsburgh after constantly being tailgated even when going 80.. Seems like covid isolation most can’t handle like me.. But yes that’s my assumption because I’m pissed..

Angry crazy people make me so angry.. If it’s how they play the game, I want it to end!! However, Ending it deliberately wouldn’t be a good move or an ethical one according to me.. But I’m waiting for this disrespect and misery to end.. I won’t do anything, Just waiting..

Although this will pass, My ego doesn’t want to be forgotten.. I wrote a lot.. Which is my way of trying to help a lot..

Good thing I didn’t engage with the guy but he got by.. That life ending moment where I perceive disrespect and catastrophically react hasn’t happened yet, And knowing myself, Especially after today, I greatly fear it, I greatly fear it..

Eventually I may unconsciously react to disrespect catastrophically unfortunately.. Yes I’m getting help with network zoom meetings and therapy..

But it only takes one.. It only takes one..

I’m inhaling, exhaling, detaching from the bad feeling.. My drive up to my dad’s place, I’ll now be continuing.. I got gas, “devil dogs”, and a 20 ounce Red Bull.. and now I’m off..

Well I made it to Woodstock..

Happy Easter! May the good fulfilling conscious awareness discovered by teachers like Jesus rise in those like Mr. Sunglasses..

If you feel I used Jesus’s name in vain you’re only partially right since due to the coincidence of this happening on Easter it felt cool to write.. (So did that..)

But of course, May that good compassionate consciousness arise or manifest in all of us..

It’ll help me..

Lastly, Since I already said in my poem “Precautionary” that those who disrespect me may be the star of what I write, Mr. Sunglasses got his, Even though he didn’t get his.. But my creative expression is my best and safest weapon.. aside from just letting it go without having to do anything such as writing.. Which I feel to be ideal..

But if I want to live in alignment with my beliefs.. And in alignment that an eye for an eye doesn’t help us see and understand clearly.. Yes, Jesus said to “turn the other cheek” obviously.. which is what I also believe ideally..

I prefer letting go even though in this present moment I’m struggling to do so.. But I must do it, To stay peaceful and out of trouble for myself and others.. (ideally), As we know..

At my job I saw a home good that read “Silly Rabbit, Easter is for Jesus”.. (Based on the trix commercial..(I let my OCD voice mention that..)

But Easter is for ALL OF US, Not to put words in Jesus’s mouth, And I’m no spiritual teacher, but a hypocritical preacher..

But I want to say that, Jesus cared for all of us, We can feel better within, Regardless of the reality of the situation,

In my belief, Consciousness goes on,

Blessings to me, Everyone, Including, Mr. Sunglasses,

Although bad experiences give me something to write about.. (and yes, “clout”). (Also I thought of the rhyme “clout and about” before I heard it elsewhere so it’s common so my OCD wants to say I’m not plagiarizing.. and maybe I’ll take this out..). But as for bad experiences.. I don’t prefer them.. I prefer feeling good,

With nothing to do and nowhere to be but present, I try keeping that as my intent..

Turns out Mr. Sunglasses was right, But since I didn’t come close to hitting him, Since I was NOT going fast, I didn’t need brutal criticism.. And brutal criticism just feeds brutal energy.. so.. May we help others do better more peacefully.. So our teaching doesn’t leave a traumatic history.. Yes I know this is only one encounter I had with a stranger.. but may we remember, we need peace to see and learn more, since we’ll clearer for seeing, learning, and advancing a more moral, safe and adventurous existing

Do You See?

I feel like my poems are too irrelevant..

APRIL FOOLS!!

Actually.. I usually feel that I’m not supposed to talk about anything serious, Since most seem to be looking for creativity that’s escapist, What’s the effect if we always do this? Maybe most won’t be able to understand this..?

If I’m in need will enough others truly heed? I forgot to mention in my previous posted poem about paying attention that, Vulnerability to emotional sensitivity may initially make me react unconsciously impulsively to cover up emotional difficulty internally such as getting sucked into addictions from the external that are physically destructive towards me..

And if practicing self-control is not cultural, How can I feel safely certain that most others will properly assist me out of a brutal dark emotional hole?

If my lack of impulse control goes unchecked.. And if I then become diabetic and can’t afford insulin, Due to insurance companies seeking excessive external gratification by large premiums instead of also consciously healing their own suppressed emotional reaction within, Well.. Maybe I’ll die.. ?

And as for psychiatrics, they’ll say I need something due to closed-minded research fabrication, since many accept the convenient cultural awareness limitations of the institutions who promote excessive medication, They say we think it’s “this” with dismissal of openness.. to historic traumatic experience.. They just say “chemical imbalance”..

Yes.. you can research this to find exact details of this.. 

But what if furthering our development, societal structure, spirit, moral and intellectual capability became a truly conscious mentality?

WOW!!

What new possibility!!? How would we realize we were limiting ourselves initially!!?

Do you see? I ask that compassionately, not sarcastically..

But this just feels important to me