Through the Day

I’m just trying my best to survive through the day,
Until whenever it is I pass away,

I’m just trying to ride the wave of my present life,
While remaining balanced,
While remaining peaceful,
Safely emotionally regulated and/or equanimous,

While peacefully expanding gratifying longer lasting awareness,

I’m just trying to NOT force what I can NOT force,
Including NOT forcing what it means to “not force”,
I’m just trying to increasingly peacefully accept what I can not presently change among any type of force,

I’m trying to think LESS excessively and MORE clearly and peacefully coherently,
Safely and gradually,

When the pain builds within I try to spot it,
I try to access the roots to clear it,
So it does NOT make me “lose my shit”,

And when writing,
I try to be clearer and clearer,
I try to over explain less and less,

I try to remember,
To develop,
Needed inner peaceful,
Foundational awareness

Wrong Statement, Wrong Person, Wrong Time

If I do NOT have social skills,
I may say,
The wrong statement,
To the wrong person,
At the wrong time,
..,
And if I can NOT find the roots to discover and increasingly sustain that REAL positive inner peace,
..,
I may just get blown to pieces..?

If I’m not aware,
Of how unaware others are,
For example,
I may say something FIGURATIVELY,
Which an emotionally traumatized, damaged and dangerously UNaware person may interpret LITERALLY..?
Vice versa,
Or whatever the details of the lead up to the catastrophe,
Might sadly be..?

Hence,
Speaking especially for myself,
Discipline for inner awareness of whatever surrounds me,
I feel is crucial,
For survival

Inner Emotional Sea

What can I say that will make the emotion “instantly” go away..?
So many others seem to have something for me to say..,

“Just tell yourself you’re a good person”,
..,
“Don’t let your past hold you back”,
..,
“You gotta have confidence”,
..,
“Don’t be sensitive”,
..,
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself!!”

Yet I feel inner emotional chemical reactivity passing and building perpetually,
And what I try telling myself seems to get lost in the emotional pain that contaminated my internal emotional sea,

Oh so many,
Constantly,
Tell me what I “should” tell myself,

Yet the surface of what they see,
Is all they see,
Of the infinite depths of my inner emotional reactive sea,

And I believe,
The same is true,
For them,
Among all other sentient beings that manifest on the surface of life energy

Word Inflation

When is there a point when a word has been overused that it loses its emotional effect?

If the words are more abundant and easily accessible,
Don’t they lose value?

Must life experience energy fairly tax in and out words that are in circulation in order to prevent inflation?

What words sell and capture needed attention?
What words serve as lucrative deception?

Does life energy work “fairly”?

I guess,
The more my life experience triggers inner painful emotional dysregulation,
The more susceptible I’ll be to “quick fix” convenient medication,

..,
It’s just,
I try so hard NOT getting lost NOR out of touch with the varying degrees of “ebbing and flowing” emotion,

What words are most valuable for my needed written expression ?

Behind Closed Doors

I presently feel that:

My emotional hyper-reactive reaction(s) to what others did to me behind closed doors is what’s uncontrollably publicly displayed,
..,
The pain just builds,
Erupts,
Then builds and erupts again and again,
..,
Ohh how I thought they would be the group of friends they said they’d be,
I thought they’d be the first group that I’d deeply connect with,
And I thought the emotional chemical connection would give me light in my darkest of times to come,
Yet,
I realized it was NOT what I initially saw it to be,
And what they done to me,
Is now eradicated,
Undocumented history,

To figuratively/literally continue:

All the proof got burned and was said to have “never happened”,
..,
Ohh they had us turn off our phones and “pay attention”,
..,
It’s now too late to report it,
And at the time I was too frightened to speak up about it,
I just was NOT as confident,
..,
And if I tried to advocate,
They would’ve judged me as a “snitch”,
And tortured me as a witch,
And my ashes would’ve went back to the life energy they came from,
While they would have pursued their careers,
Took their medication and chugged their beers,

Okay and to slightly change the subject(?) I’ll add that:

It’s just that I feel that,
What they AND so many OTHERS did,
Had a different effect on me,
..,
And I can NOT relate any more to those autistically labeled “like me”,
Hence,
How will there be any deeper connection with those who ALSO struggle with social connection!!?
..,
And I tried that,
..,
I been there and ALSO tried that,

Yet,
Too many will just,
NOT listen,

For whatever of their personal valid reasons,
They will not listen,

And I feel,
I just have to find peace with the fact that,
I tried so much of it,
And,
So many,
Will NEVER empathetically understand it..,

They’ll assume the mainstream stereotype that I was born with “zero empathy”,
As they go on without me,
..,
Huhhh,
Ahhhh,

(Personal side note: I just can NOT perfectly capture my inhalations, exhalations NOR whichever natural/body sensations NOR word them “precisely”),

I just,
Feel I just..,
Tried,
So much of it,
And so many others,
Will perpetually NOT believe me,

And so many out of touch unconscious egos,
Just will pass,
Endless convenient judgment,

They’ll force control over me,
And have me keep my mouth shut,
As it so often has been,
Throughout my history,

So I’ll once again,
Have to try inwardly clearing that past inner pain of being a victim,
I’ll have to just accept,
That I can NOT change the system,
That’s been passed down to me,

That started,
Evolved,
Devolved and got corrupted,

Huhh..,
I just feel all I can find,
Is the inner roots,
To finding more peace,
While I let be,
All I can not change,
That surrounds me

Not Perfect Either

No..,
I do NOT mean to disregard the suffering of others,
Yet I want my experiences to also be regarded,
I also want to feel heard,

Even though I often feel powerless and misunderstood,
I just wish people could listen to why I feel I struggle the way I do,

And even if I do NOT “perfectly” explain myself word for word,
Well,
I still want to feel more compassionately heard,

I wish people could just listen,
To kindly realize and remember,
That even though my words and actions may be COMPLETELY opposite of my true beliefs,
There are infinite reasons why that could all be explained infinitely clearer,
(For example),

I just wish I felt most others could realize and remember that I’m also NOT perfect,

And I’ll add that I feel that,
Of course,
Being “perfect”,
Is infinite,

So may the culture NOT cancel me,
May others NOT come torture NOR kill me,
..,
I’m not perfect either,

I ask for empathy

Terms of Exclusion

I feel a part of me presently believes that:

Since I have been cognitively/emotionally “hypersensitive-ly” predisposed a certain way,
Since culture evolved a certain way,
Since people being mean to me easily effects what I do and say,
Well,
If I’m constantly hearing others say words I’m not allowed to say,
If these words I’m “NOT allowed to say” are CONSTANTLY said in music and various forms of expression,
I just can NOT promise that those same cruel words/terms of endearment will never slip out of my mouth,

I’m also a human,
With emotions,
Who wants to be kindly included,

And well,
If people just keep being mean to me,
If people just keep doing and saying stuff I’m “not allowed” to do or say,
I just can NOT promise I’ll successfully stay kind forever,

I’m NOT perfect either,

..,

And since getting bullied has damaged my confidence,
Since it has exacerbated my predisposed anxiety,
I may lack confidence in my ability to heal the emotional pain that builds in me,
So if others keep being mean,
I can NOT promise that the pain will NEVER explode out of me,

..,

My environment,
Which includes other sentient humans who surround me,
Have an unconscious conditioning psychological effect on me,

And like I said,
Due to being predisposed with inner emotional hyperreactivity,
People throwing emotional punches at me,
Has made remaining civil and peaceful,
NOT often easy,

And since being conscious of how I’ve developed unconsciously does not come easy,
Well,
The unconscious conditioning forces that affect my inner awareness just may affect my actions,

So if I do and say anything that however deeply offends anyone,
I’ll just say,
That deeply offensive energy,
Is deeply entrenched and deeply surrounds my environment(s) that I struggle to avoid,

I (of course) feel we’re all morally accountable,
Yet,
It just has not been easy for me,
Staying safe from,
NOR becoming a part of,
The mean and painful void,

And well,
Since I see and react “differently”,
Since I struggle socially,
I struggle to NOT become too literally NOR cognitively isolated in my own head,
So,
Since I do NOT dangerously lose myself in my mind,
Well,
As for awareness,
As for developing more inner peacefulness to also emanate externally,
Well,
I just feel I must remind myself,

To be aware,
Of my present awareness,
So I do NOT get dangerously delusionally lost..,

And yet,
In more social isolation,
With more feelings of exclusion,
It’s felt hard to not spiral into more delusion,
While lacking needed social connection,

Yet as I always feel I must consistently remind myself,
I’ll just once again,
Notice my natural inhale and exhalations,
While the pain feeding negativity,
Gradually dissipates within me

Listening

I feel that:

Seeing stuff differently than most,
Can make me more vulnerable to being socially disconnected,
And getting dangerously lost in my head,

I feel,
Insensitive dismissals of my predisposed struggles with emotional dysregulation can make me more emotionally dysregulated,
..,
I want to deeply socially connect,
While it seems MANY others feel a need to dismiss and reject,

I want to be understood,
While I feel many want to play around with my emotional chemicals,
..,

Some may constantly bust my balls,
Some may recommend I take this or that,
That I try that and that,
..,
And when I reach out to them for my social connection health,
I do NOT hear back,
Unless it’s brief patronizing advice,

Although I may agree with them depending on the context,
Many may give a simplistic suggestion..,
Such as,
“You gotta let go of the past”,
And/or “take your medication”,
..,

It’s just,
I wish they’d truly listen,

And many who do NOT for however valid of a personal reason,
Leave me more emotionally,
Cognitively and/or however internally vulnerable to spirling into social/emotional/mental disconnection,
Possibly resulting in complete delusion,
And being under MORE control of the unconsciously sadistic and powerful,

(Source: Jennifer Kanary Nikolova, “Beyond Diagnosis — Understanding Psychosis” May 12th, 2020, Labyrinth Psychotica, https://medium.com/beyond-diagnosis-the-anoiksis-chronicles/beyond-diagnosis-making-sense-of-psychosis-e32a6aeae308),

So UNLESS I find some viable practice/support,
Of REDUCING the likelihood of getting lost in my passing inner emotional intensity,
..,
If I can learn naturally how to NOT have my emotional dysregulation spiral me into delusion,
INCLUDING in isolation,
..,
Then I’ll be more equipped to survive and function,

I feel,
True power is within me,
NOT in any pill,
NOT in any power seeking external entity,
(For example),

I feel,
Needed survival inner peaceful awareness,
Can most deeply be found,
Within me,

And although I always feel there’s a degree of uncertainty,
I hope for that awareness,
To protect me,
Even if too many do NOT understand my unique condition,
That’s been uniquely shaped by my unique environment and/or unique lived experiences,
That has given me unique excessive emotional struggles (for example),

Yet regardless of our labels,
Such as whether we’re on a different “spectrum”,
Or whether we’re labeled as “neurotypical”,
Well,
I’d say we ALL have struggles,
And to get through this together,
We must sufficiently remember,

To deeply,
Compassionately,

LISTEN,

To each other

NOT getting the Message

Yes,
I feel this also applies to myself,
And yes,
I additionally feel that:

Similar to my surroundings/inner/self-awareness message(s) in my last post titled “Time and Place”,
I felt I’ll just share some more,
About CLEARLY implied messages that just to me seem often missed,

So,
If I do NOT equally reply to messages someone sends me,
If I do NOT make it sufficiently clear I’m reading their messages,
It does NOT mean for the person to keep sending me messages,

If I say I struggle with words,
It does NOT mean to interpret what I say,
“Word for word”,

If I express a feeling in writing WITHOUT saying names,
It does NOT mean to take it personally then instantly direct anger towards me!

If I say,
“I’ve been struggling emotionally”,
It does NOT mean I feel aggressive criticism will “help” me,

If I say,
“I wish people would empathetically acknowledge what I have to say instead of just giving advice”,
It does NOT mean I’m “asking for advice”,

If I want someone to be a true friend and hear what I feel a need to be heard,
It does NOT mean to impatiently say,
“I’m not your therapist!”,

Yes,
I do NOT intend to be mean,
Yet these kinds of unawareness I feel to keep encountering..,

If I say to someone,
“I’ve been struggling to help myself”,
It does NOT mean I presently want to do that person a favor,

If someone offers me something and I do NOT appear comfortable with it,
Maybe,
Just maybe(?),
The person should kindly STOP offering it to me,
..,
Yet maybe their egos will one day make me “repay” them for the “favors” they pressured me to take?

Huhh..,

I sometimes do NOT know who to trust NOR what to think..?

???

Yes,
Finding peace among all this oblivious energy,
Remains a struggle for me,

And if some type of “self-improvement” teaching has NOT been working,
It does NOT always mean that I “need more of it”,

If I do NOT like how something is making me feel,
It does NOT always mean I must “always keep taking it”..,

Huhh..,
I can just keep going on and on with this,
And yes,
I’d guess..,
This infinite obliviousness may infinitely come in the same and new forms,

?

Yet of course,
Some people just never seem to understand it,
And I can NOT force an awareness practice,
And there’s NO guarantee what works for me will work for them,
And instead of getting immensely frustrated,
Why NOT just relax and go with what I can NOT avoid NOR change ?

And of course like I first said,
This applies to me,
And I just feel to be an inseparable part of the same spontaneous life energy,
However oblivious and/or deeply aware I might be..?
However organized and/or disorganized stuff might be,

I guess it’s just manifesting energy ?

Time and Place

I feel that may we remember to be AWARE that there is a time and place for everything,
..,

As for me,
If I’m going to a social function,
I’m NOT going to want to receive advice on how to live my life,

If I’m at the gym,
I’m NOT going to want to listen to someone’s life story,
Same goes for when in the library (unless reading an autobiography (for example)),

If I’m trying to stay focused at work,
I’m not going to want to talk philosophy,

If I say I wish people could be more positive,
It does NOT mean I want to keep hearing pointless complaining,

If I’m among people who are supposed to remain quiet,
I’m not going to want someone whispering me their business,

If I say I have a BAD headache,
It does NOT mean that I want to hear someone keep cracking jokes,

Essentially,
I feel that many people,
Forget and/or are completely UNaware that there is a TIME and a PLACE for everything,

Yet the MORE we’re lost in our minds,
The LESS aware we’ll be of our surroundings,
And I feel I’m just often surrounded by many people who are out of touch with their surroundings,
And sometimes (if not often) their unawareness gets passed on to me,

..,

Yes,
If I’m sitting by myself while heavily focused writing something on my IPhone,
It does NOT mean I want someone coming up to me,
In order to give me all this advice that I NEVER asked for,
NOR is the time and place for,

And yes,
I do NOT intend to be mean,
Yet what I’m trying to say,
Is that there’s a TIME and PLACE for everything,
And since many are NOT seemingly aware of that,
Well,
Since I can NOT “pave the world leather”,
Well..,

I’ll once again,
Try finding peace with that