Same shit.. Just more of it..

Today a woman asks me,
and my coworker,
to get paper towels,
Wrapped in plastic on the third story shelf,
Instead of settling for,
The “Bounty” paper towels,
on the floor..
Instead of just coming back to the store tomorrow..
Since she wanted that particular brand that bad,
And if she was less particular,
If her expectations weren’t as high,
She’d be able to accept more,
And feel better..,

But instead..
while we’re trying to HELP her,
And while suggesting that she,
take one of the other brands,
That were,
clearly organized on the floor,

While also saying we can’t just get a forklift,
all the other shoppers..
Because driving a forklift could endanger or make it harder for the other angry customers,
And it would have defeated the purpose of having anything on the floor in the first place..,
Then others as unaware as her may start making dangerous foolish requests..,

since she could not understand the obvious circumstances,
As for why we couldn’t get her the paper towels,
And regardless of my coworker,
I myself,
don’t drive a forklift..
Yet anyone who does can’t bring down a whole pallet on an upper level,
Just to get a set of paper towels,
So even with the other paper towels,
Which were equally viable,
She still refused to settle,
And hence..
Once again..
It defeats the freakin purpose of having them on the ground!!

And aside from all my other internal unsettled pain,
In her vain,
While trying to HELP her and suggest to her,
to take other paper towels,
She said,
“You guys work here and don’t help anyone”,
And I essentially said how she’s completely wrong,
by saying what she said is “like not true at all”,

And since she added more pain to my hypersensitivity,
And on top of my neurological “executive functioning” atypical adversity,
I couldn’t think clearly,
So I couldn’t answer on the spot and prove to her how wrong she was..

And then she finally settled for other paper towels in reach,
Which I was STILL going to help her get,
And I did get one down for her,
After her teenage daughter got one for her as I was distracted by her criticism.., because of course..
I’m hypersensitive,
with autism..

But as for how WRONG she is,
Aside from all else that I inwardly struggle with,
I LITERALLY been getting so,
SO much better,
at answering questions,
Controlling my inner hypersensitive painful emotional reactions,
I’ve walked people to find items,
like mayonnaise, cucumbers, juice, blueberries, detergent, tangerines, chocolate, ramen, aluminum,..
And people have been THANKING me,
Even when they ask for something that’s out of stock,
Even when I find someone else to help them,
So essentially..


Due to not having confidence in me,
to cultivate inner peace, and/or healing energy,
I let her meanness fill me,
Since I’m (as I hyper-obsessively say) hypersensitive,
Since I NEED this job,
So.. with all our unaccessed and undiscovered capability,
That’s needed in this time of pandemic especially..,
We just..
Lack the confidence,
How to clear excessive inner pain,
To carry less pain,
And save more room,
For utilizing,
For leveraging,
meaningful experience that we COULD be presently experiencing..,

It’s the same shit repeatedly..
Yet continues to harm me,

All I can control is myself,
They’re just making it harder for me..
And like I said in my last post,
Instead of there being just one other dickhead,
I was still implying,
Even aside from all the kindness I also receive because my I DO HELP PEOPLE there,
Like a coworker said to me that he’s glad I’m here,
There’s TOO MUCH assholes,
That instead of lifting me up,
Use their awareness against me,
By digging me down,
Into a deeper hole,
And burying me in it..

As for today and this post,
As for all the unconscious meanness,
It’s the same shit..
Yet there’s just..
More and more of it..

If I could just change my mood instantly, I would obviously,
But I struggle at taking steps,
To not let meanness from others,
Make what’s already hard,
Make all of what I’m carrying,

So much damn harder for me,

I wish I wasn’t as tempted to somewhat lift my mood up in ways TOXIC for me,
Even if the energy drinks are sugar free..,

And yes,
Although it could be WAY WAY WORSE,
I still often wish to WAY WAY BETTER,

I just have to keep reminding myself,
That I can only control my part,
Even if what’s all around me falls apart,

At least..
I know,
I’m trying my best,
To do my best,

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