Don’t Understand

Even though I don’t understand,
So much essential importance,
Of life,
Like just planning a career,
Excelling,
And just doing it,

Even though many may feel,
And,
Many may tell me,
Truthfully,
That I,
Just,
“Don’t understand”,

Well,
Just as I don’t understand what they’ve been and may be painfully struggling through,
I often feel,
That they don’t understand,
All the pain that has built up in me,
That limits me,
And how I can NOT stand it,
ESPECIALLY,

I often feel,
That they don’t understand,
All my insecure,
Obsessive compulsive torture,
That I reluctantly have succumbed to,
To compensate,
For so much insecurity I feel that has built up in me,
That I feel painfully inhibits my capability,
That keeps me focused on non-work related goals excessively,
And builds toxic pain in me,
That weighs in me,
That shuts me down,
And prevents me from excelling,
At what I could really be doing,

Although in many ways I don’t understand,
Unfortunately I feel,
They just don’t understand,
How painful it’s felt for me,
Due to having my conditions,
Experiencing constant rejections,
Failing at conformity,
Repeatedly,
..,
I wish they’d understand,
How hard it’s been,
Largely due to..,
Just..,
Seeing stuff differently,
In the hardass mainstream society,
That I feel,
Heavily damaged me,
Hence my immense obsessive insecurity..,

I wish they would understand,
How hard I try,
Perpetually,

Although in many ways I,
Just “do not understand”,
I wish I felt they more deeply,
Understood,
My understanding,
Of the built up pain,
That I am carrying,

I wish I felt,
More would understand,
My hyper-awareness,
And how it emotionally throws me off,
Too damn easily,
..,
And that how it makes me more vulnerable,
To winding up on medication,
In an institution,
Or whatever may severely worsen my situation,

I wish I felt,
More would understand,
How my learning disabilities,
Hyper-emotional inner reactivity,
That’s been exacerbated by bullying,
That’s given me all this excessive insecurity,
That makes my ego want to compensate by having non-work-related goals,
Such as wanting to film juggling videos,
That take days and hours to capture on tape a certain way,
And they don’t understand,
How those types of obsessive compulsive goals I have,
Take away energy,
From having a practical career goal,
That I’d excel at,

And I wish they’d understand,
How painful it’s been,

Although,
They know,
I,
“Don’t understand”,
Well,
I feel,
They don’t understand my condition(s),
Why I developed the way I did,
Such as the certain ways I’m internally held back,
And why I get derailed too damn easily,
And fly off track,
So damn frequently,
..,
I wish I felt from them,
Less criticism,
And,
More empathy,

Aside from all I don’t understand,
I wish they’d understand,
How I just can’t stand,
The way I am,

I wish they’d understand,
That,
(Regardless of pain they experience),
That still,
In many ways,
I wish I was them,
That I wish adulting,
For me,
Felt to be as they say “smooth sailing”,

Of course,
I can’t tell how “smooth sailing”,
Anything truly is,
I can’t just “understand” others by what I perceive on the surface,
Yet I wish they’d more deeply understand,
The pain,
I’ve felt to,
Frequently experience,

I feel,
Many don’t understand,
That I WISH I did NOT have the condition(s) that I have,
And that I instead WISH that I could “just do it”,
And just keep at it,
Without any obsessively developed forces holding me back,

I feel,
They don’t understand,
That I wish the damaging insecurity,
That having my conditions in combination with bullying has built in me,
Is something I wish I never had weighing me back,
And they don’t understand,
That I wish,
That I was as determined,
And as able to stay on track,
With a great,
Suitable,
Career track,

And they don’t understand,
That I wish I didn’t feel so internally held back,
They may say “I don’t understand”,
And I may not as deeply understand,
But I feel they don’t understand,
How there’s so much about me,
That I can’t stand,

And I wish,
More could,
Including myself,

Just,

Understand,

Maybe if we better understood each other,
Then maybe we could just,
Better work,
Function,
And however improve,
Together,
??

And I,
Just,
Wish,
We could,

Just,

Understand