If I want to be “smarter”,
Then how can I share a relatable social connection on the same page?
As for seeking support in lifting myself up,
I try to offer my hand,
Yet I feel many,
Overpower me,
As they pull me down to their level,
Without acknowledging,
The effects it has on me..,
Including them,
(Seemingly to me),
Regardless of,
And/or however pertaining to that,
Here’s another brief story:
The another night after asking a guy if he has “Venmo”..,
Since I have been struggling with my PIN number (as I tried explaining),
He first offered me a drink,
Then he tried to “bust my balls”,
Told me and his friend I looked like some ACTRESS,
I confronted him for “busting my balls”,
(Since they’ve been busted MORE than ENOUGH..),
He said “it’s a good thing”,
(Or something (?)),
Me, him and his friend chatted..,
..,
I then returned to sitting by myself,
He sat next to me,
Brought up “Harold & Kumar”,
I told him the sequel I remember,
Prequel I saw never,
Seemed stunned..,
Then added that he “thought” that I’m,
“The ‘coolest’ guy in the bar”,
Yet,
Regardless of whatever he meant,
He brought up driving me to the bank,
And I (as he seemed to know) just did NOT know what to trust,
Did NOT know what to think,
So I decided to,
CLEARLY,
Instinctively,
Just NOT try to attain any more cash to get from the atm in order to get more drinks..,
And eventually he went back to his seat,
Then left,
Then I eventually said “bye” to and thanked (who I remember as (if correct)) the owner,
..,
We expressed appreciation for once again seeing each other,
Then I,
While exiting,
Waved bye,
To another cool guy,
Who offered to buy me some drinks..,
(Even though I offered to try to get cash to pay him (to comply with their policy)),
And as I exited,
I was hyper-alert,
Then sprinted back to my mom’s house,
And I know I was NOT supposed to go there,
Yet after all this recurring isolation,
Social rejection,
I just decided to take a convenient,
Less exhausting,
social option,
That I saw as fit,
JUST for that moment,
Yet regardless,
After reading this,
I’m sure,
I will once again,
Have to endure,
Another lecture,
Well,
I just want to thank those,
Who welcome me,
In my home community,
Unlike those,
(including another bartender who refused to serve me even though he told me to essentially not take it personally.. I won’t get into that story.. Well I’ll just say briefly that I remember how it all went down and I just assumed that for no reason that other bartender did NOT like me.. (largely due to my assumptions about energy) yet the owner empathized with me, and there are many others (including bartenders) that have made me feel welcome in my home community.. and I really HOPE no one takes what I say the wrong way.. yet I just felt a need to share this..),
ANYWAY,
To say it AGAIN,
I hope no one nor whoever else takes that the wrong way,
Yet I feel MANY just may,
And well..,
As for what I was initially starting to say:
Instead of conformingly dumbing ourselves down,
How about we lift ourselves up?
How about we include those we look down on,
And see,
About what we can do,
To get them to,
Help us even more in the way we need them (meaning others) to??
Well,
Since I believe,
I can NOT control what others do,
Well,
I..,
Just thought,
I’d share,
Some more thoughts,
feelings and whatever,
For anyone,
That may,
Want to,
Be there,
With care,
For,
Anyone who will FEEL me,
As I try to FEEL them EMOTIONALLY,
Spiritually,
Or however we BUILD a deeper and clearer understanding,
With and whatever that may be,
??
Just thought I’d try to NON-JUDGMENTALLY,
Share,
Some stuff I felt a need for others to hear,
REGARDLESS,
That in my belief,
There IS always more to share,
Always more to say,
Such as examples,
And/or conclusions,
That may be expressed,
In a CLEARER,
And however more CLEAR,
Way(s)
??
Zach Dana Writing 