Being There

As I would guess,
That you may guess,
Aside from whatever anyone’s struggles might be,
Me having autism,
Has been a large struggle to navigate,
In the “neuro-typical” social system of varying micro and macro systems,
Yet I just wanted to,

Thank you,
For seeing how I struggle,
For deciding to include me,

Thank you,
For helping me feel welcome,
For being there for me,
For NOT using your favors against me,
For NOT pressuring me to repay you,

Thank you,
For NOT using your confidence against me,
Yet using your SPIRIT to be there for me,

Thank you,
For,
Reminding me to keep trying to continually,
Let go,
Of all the stuff others done to me in the past,
To not let it (internally, externally and/or however) hold me back,
And even though it has NOT often felt easy,
Even though I may here and there derail and fly off track,
I’m grateful for your empathy,
And that’s helped me,
Get back,
And hopefully I’ll remain more on a helpful track,

I can tell you are there,
I can tell you are aware,
I can tell you also,
Care,

Others may give me advice,
And many may expect me to fuck off,
Yet you decided to include me,
I still remember that time,
(If I remember correctly),
Back in early July 2021,
When you noticed me drinking by myself,
And INSTEAD of passing negative assumptions,
You decided,
To help me out of my darkening,
Literal and mental obsessive compulsive isolation,
And (as I feel) that was crucial for my inner pain alleviation,
So among others,
I am deeply grateful,
For that initial interaction,

Thank you,
For just being,
And offering to be there,

Although I may not always be,
Sufficiently certain of it,
I often feel that many others,
May continue to judge,
May ongoingly unconsciously wrongfully assume and talk shit,
While trying to get a laugh out of their friends in the best way they presently see fit,
And,
Many may continually keep their literal and emotional distance,
Many may..,
Stare and beware,
?
Yet,
I’m grateful,
That you noticed someone struggling like me,
And INSTEAD of forming negative assumptions,
Nor forming hurtful projections about me,
Nor using my “on the spectrum” struggles against me,
I’m grateful,
That you decided to sincerely,
Considerately,
Welcome me,

And as for many others,
It’s just a different story unfortunately,

And regardless of why others do what they do,
Regardless of reasons why they may react to me the way they repeatedly seem to,
?
As I feel you helped remind me,
I feel I need to keep focusing on,
What I view,
In each moment,
As most practical and true,

Unlike that guy from the Bronx who hazed me (made me take an ice bath, had me do the beer mile (I remember him laughing from the bleachers, running along side of me, making fun of me.. oh there’s so much more to his story (and even he knows that we all have our story)..), had me do “edward 40 hands” (was NOT fun nor helped me grow, it just felt to be damaging, etc, etc,) and he and the others could have INSTEAD tested us or “broke us down and built us up” through shadowing (for fraternity chapter positions), I feel there could have been harmless group projects and helpful inner development training such as (in my belief) group meditating (and more needed emphasis on possible deep healthy non-medicated brotherhood emotional connecting (in my belief))),
And he also threatened me,
Such as saying that if we were to I guess, “snitch”, the campus authority may (essentially) take his (and others) instructions of us out of context, and they’d misunderstand his (messed up in my belief) intentions and his life “would be over” so he threatened me among my other pledge “brothers” that if we were to “snitch” (essentially) that he’d use his martial arts against us and have us “drink through a straw for the rest of our lives”,
(And regardless of him and worse, as I’d say we agree and know, I just gotta let it go and move on with my life),
When trying (after all the rejection and isolation I been through previously) joining a fraternity to find at least one compatible and fruitful college campus friend group community,,
And he hit on a girl I was obsessed with right in front of me..,
(That’s of course among MORE stuff I struggle to let go of as I stay on a better track consistently),
(He claimed he did NOT know.. ALTHOUGH.. I have pointed her out to him a few months before, yet.. who knows??),
Yep,
There’s just so much more as for what he did to me,

Unlike those who (I felt) had a WORSE effect on me like that guy who bullied me from my home community,
Who laughed at me when the basketball bounced off my head,
Once indicated the abnormal size of my larger than typically proportionate size of most other’s heads,
(Especially back then when I was a little guy and he was (as he still is) much bigger than me.. (and because I have autism, when I was a little kid, my brain kept growing to try and correct itself, and regardless of what he’s been through, I’d say he’s lucky (among so many others who (instead of helping themselves and me develop inwardly) wronged me to seemingly try to compensate for their painful insecurity)))) he did NOT have that happen to him),
Who got physical,
Did and said all that other shit including making fun of me for being in special Ed,
Causing his friend to call me “stupid”,

Yet as for knowing you,
Unlike all the rejection,
Unlike all the people who I thought would be there then just took off with their careers,
Unlike all the others and examples of people who,
(Regardless of their intentions),
Did stuff that hurt me,

And oh there have been others,
Some who may have or still call themselves,
“Brothers”,

Well,
As I’d say we both know,
I just gotta keep letting it all go,
As I go in a direction,
That’ll most likely,
Help my own needs,
Among civilized society,
Among whichever parts of (in my belief) interdependent,
Interconnected sentient reality,

And even though I have my own history,
As I’d guess,
It took (if not millions and/or billions (or however long (?)) as species evolved on Earth) thousands of years of history,
To get to this level of civilization we have today,
So..,
I’ll also try to keep adequately reminding myself,
That even though I have my own history,
And struggles such as helpfully fitting in repeatedly sufficiently,
That although my needs are also important,
As I’d say we know,
It’s not just about me,
Yet I’m part of a much greater sentient reality,
That over such a long period of time,
Came to be,

And I’m glad,
For the effort you provided me,
That has helped me feel less alone,
In general and especially,
Within my community,

I’m grateful,
For you,
Among others who try and help me feel included,
Who try to understand,
Instead of just trying to avoid what they initially can NOT stand,

I appreciate you being someone,
Who deeply empathetically understands,

There’s so much more I feel I can say,
So much more I can elaborate on,
And regardless of what’s to come,

I’m grateful,
For meeting you,
For knowing you,
For your deep understanding,
And in times of need,
Helping me feel,
Welcome,

I’m glad to be reminded,
That somewhere,
There are still those such as you,
Who are (in my belief),
Not only highly aware,
Yet also,
Care,
And in times of need,
Who are also,
There,

Thanks as always,
For being there for me,
Including in times when I especially needed the empathy,
The understanding,
Deeply,

Thanks for being there for me

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s