More often than NOT

I feel:
That I can NOT sufficiently chill out,
Because my mind never stops trying to figure everything out,
And it’ll say “just one more”,
But then..,
There’s always more..,
Huhh..,
And that is how I feel,
More often than NOT,

I feel,
Lots of terms,
Narrow my present ability of present appreciation,
That I NEED to deepen and expand HEALTHY inner peaceful sensation(s),
And help me be LESS susceptible of,
Harmful “quick ‘fix’” medication..,
Huhh..,
They say “make good choices”,
But they do NOT say HOW,
They do not help me address the reasons WHY,
I make decisions to become a more messed up guy..,
Their advice just makes me sad,
It does NOT help with needed compassion to assist with more inner peace to become LESS susceptible to HARMFUL “quick ‘fix’” medication(s)..,
And sadly,
I feel this to be the case,
More often than NOT,

I feel,
I’ll rely on external entities such as medication,
To attain a desired inner sensation,
Yet,
The the more I want it,
The deeper I lose myself in it,
The harder it is for me to transition,
Back to a normal routine that requires me,
To ingest nothing,
And be with,
And try to gratifyingly consciously deepen my awareness with my non-medicated state of being..,
And if that was too confusing(?),
Essentially,
The more I desire stuff to be (and/or) a certain way,
The more I DISLIKE it when it’s not a desired way..,
And maybe that’s more what I’m trying to say(?),
And unfortunately I feel I struggle at this,
I feel I struggle at accepting the present moment,
More often than NOT,

I feel that I get hurt excessively by a lot of hurtful energy,
And many hurt me additionally more by shaming me for my “sensitivity”,
However directly and/or indirectly..,
In more forms (and/or occurrences) than I can list,
Deeper than I can ever express,
More often than NOT,

I feel that people defensively overpower me,
When I express how they offended me,
Yet when I treat them how they treat me,
Oh how they exercise their confident emotional/spiritual authority over me..,
And yes,
As for this post and consistency and even though,
This may not,
Be the best poetic “flow”,
Or is it poetry..?
Who cares about the genre like SERIOUSLY!?
Well..,
I feel this unfair emotionally distant overpowering of me to occur,
More often than NOT,

As for a (more specific(?)) example,
Well,
People will say A LOT that deeply offends me,
Yet when it’s me that says something that offends them,
They do not tolerate it,
And I HATE feeling powerless and FORCED to put up with it,
In order to NOT escalate it,
More often than NOT,

Sadly,
I feel many have egos who abuse power over me,
More often than NOT,

Instead of compassionately understanding,
And/or apologizing,
I feel I get hurtfully criticized,
For feeling offended,
Which causes me to feel more deeply offended,
Which causes me to become more emotionally damaged,
Which causes me to feel more unheard,
MORE ignored,
LESS socially and emotionally connected,
And MORE isolated..,
Which causes me to become more vulnerable to act in a way that’s unstable,
Leading to me becoming more damaged if not dead,
More often than NOT..,

I wish I could just..,
Feel less trapped in my head,
And more peaceful and clear in my body,
And just having everything come more easy,
Yet I feel unfortunately,
It does not,
More often than NOT,

I feel when others see me,
They judge me negatively,
And I feel if I were to become close with them that they’d get mad at me,
More often than NOT,

I feel that when others claim to be helping me,
What they’re doing is taking out their anger on me,
To feel a sense of power their egos unconsciously define as “security”,
More often than NOT,

I feel that I struggle,
To find and be around those who are good for me,
Those who are compatible,
Those who peacefully accept and welcome me as me,
Yet,
Unfortunately,
I feel I fail to avoid and fail to NOT reach out to those,
Who give off energy that increases pain in me,
More often than NOT,

I feel,
That most advice others give me,
Makes me feel hurt and criticized,
More than helping me,
..,
I feel the critical energy,
Damages instead of helps clear inner pain and insecurity,
So I feel criticism,
Hurts me,
More often than NOT,

I feel,
Even when I obsessively repeat myself,
People still dismiss and misunderstand me,
More often than NOT,

Although I strongly believe that I can NOT change others,
I feel it’ll (more likely) help me,
As well as them,
If they were to (at least try to) look more deeply,
More frequently..,
Yet I feel,
As for that kind of work,
I feel it will NOT inclusively collectively sufficiently happen,
More often than NOT,

I feel that,
The little friends I have,
For whatever valid reasons..,
Will end up leaving me again in isolation,
And I’ll go back to struggling even more at managing my emotion(s),
More often than NOT,

I prefer a different life,
More often than NOT,
Yet I keep (as they say (among whatever else I tried to not obsessively quote and explain about like what I’m doing here..(whatever..))),
Okay so..,
Still..,
I keep..,
“Rolling with the punches”,
More often than NOT,

I feel I missed out on most of what I had to appreciate,
Largely due to (among whatever else..) obsessive compulsive insecurity that I easily succumb to harmfully trying to compensate for which ends up getting me more immersed and blindly controlled by the OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE INSECURITY,
(And I just do NOT even know if that made sense but I just feel an urge to post this.. and yes (I feel) I can always revise this..),
Largely due to my hyper-alert/hyper-reactive emotional needs not being met,
Then the insecurity builds and damages awareness in me,
Then my mind focuses on everything that’s “wrong with me”,
Instead of appreciating what I have deeply fulfillingly..,
Oh (regardless however much that made sense) unfortunately I feel this is how it is with me,
More often than NOT,

I feel that future goals take me out of the present,
And therefore limit my awareness needed for creativity,
And an example just might be(?),
Trying to obsessively end each stanza with,
“More often than NOT”,
Well maybe not(?),
Yet I feel my capability remains excessively UNdiscovered,
excessively UNaccessed,
excessively UNutilized,
More often than NOT,

With many I feel like,
One and/or many,
Of their dark sides are displayed,
More often than NOT,

I feel most people I encounter,
Including most who have DIRECT power over me,
Are too toxic for me to be around,
More often than NOT,

I feel like the mainstream mentality (or mainstream energy),
Does NOT sufficiently serve me,
Yet..,
Destroys me,
More often than NOT,

Yes,
I feel that although I have a lot,
To appreciate,
I feel a lot,
To just not be good enough,
And I feel I need to be doing better,
More often than NOT,

I feel I do not experience enough inner peace,
To sufficiently make it through whatever I experience,
More often than NOT,

I wish to healthily access,
More inner peace,
That’ll help me experience how I prefer to experience,
More often than NOT

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