Hard to Find

I still have an occasional memory,
Back when we were age three,
Back before I was diagnosed with any form of learning disability,
Before I encountered so much shit that my autistic life would throw at me,
Just thought I’d say,
I’m glad I’ve also known you along the ride,

Even though I might have been full of some deep negativity recently,
Just thought I’d also point out some of the many ways that I feel knowing you has helped me deeply,

Thank you for mediating stuff between me and that other guy who seemingly had a hard time hearing that I felt he bullied me,
Your message exchanges definitely helped make it significantly LESS likely of me sinking deeply into a conflict which just may have made stuff severely worse for me,
And I’m deeply grateful you’ve been increasingly understanding of me,
Such as staying patient and inclusive even though I may embarrassingly struggle emotionally and socially,
Too many others I feel just may judge me surfacely,
Have immediate unnecessary suspicions of me,
Zero consideration of looking more deeply,
And may therefore do whatever to avoid me completely,
Yet not only have you been there,
You also have been patient and kind,
Which is something that I have found,
Very hard to find,

Among all the stuff that I can instantly thank you for,
I’d just like to say some more,
And that is,
Thanks again for welcoming me to stop by your place every so often,
Even an occasional trip to come down there,
Here and there,
Is the type of experience I just may sometimes need,
And to keep being real,
Even though we may only hang occasionally,
I STILL feel that those like you,
Have been way better for me,
I would much rather a rare worthwhile visit,
Than feeling caught up with others in so much bullshit,

Even UNLIKE certain others who said they were “brothers for life” who flew far out of my life,
UNLIKE them,
There was nothing emotionally damaging and unnecessary that I “needed” to “pass through” in order to have friends who’d “accept” me,
You knew that there was NO NEED to put me in an ice bath,
No need for me to drink my ass off,
No need for any level of militaristic verbal abuse in order to “teach me” and “determine” my loyalty..,
Fuck those who hazed me,
Fuck those who bullied me and never felt a need for an apology,
Fuck those bosses who may have regretted ever hiring me,
Fuck those supervisors who hated having to be around me,
Fuck those baseball coaches among whichever others who focused just on perfection and getting another win,
Which for me has just contributed to excessive obsessive compulsive insecure behavior that has just additionally limited me..,
And screw those who tried to just shut me down on heavy medication..,
So thank you as well for INSTEAD being someone who’d truly listen,
Thank you for remaining kind and in control when I was down,
INSTEAD of pushing me down even further,
I am glad that UNLIKE so many others,
You’ve been and are a REAL brother,

And even though I feel I ultimately can NOT judge those who hurt me,
Even though I just did NOT cause NOR do I give a shit about THEIR sob story,
I guess I’ll also throw it out there that I feel that:
Having compassion for those who profoundly wronged me may also take years and years of cultivating inner peace just properly(?),
So thanks again,
For just being kind and polite,
Something that I feel can be so easy yet can be so hard for just so many..,
(Which may also include me since evidently I just may often hate those who deeply hurt me..),

Thank you,
For becoming someone I can trust increasingly,
In this dangerous world I find myself in,
With all my conditions,

Those times I get to hang with those like you remind me that there’s also those out there,
Who are more aware,
In control,
Less judgmental and more welcoming,
And do NOT require anything unnecessary and damaging,
For someone like me to go through,
To feel peacefully accepted in society,

And although your birthday is still a few weeks away,
I just eagerly felt like sharing this,

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