Infielder Ready Position

I remember the coach who cut me from the freshman team and just one other player,
While accepting 18 others,
Pointed and laughed at me to socially connect with the assistant coach while I was in the infielder “ready position” that was heavily emphasized in camp..,

Oh yeah and that coach reminded us how much we sucked,
The other said our school’s sports just has turned into an embarrassment,
As if getting another game’s win is life’s “deepest fulfillment..”,

I remember at a clinic (while setting up the batting cage nets) him screaming his head off at either me,
My friend and/or both..,
Yet of course he still once again cut me..,

Dammit I hate having anxiety for scumbags like him to use against me..,
And therefore,
Baseball was a waste of time and never the path for me..,

Fuck him,
Fuck the varsity coach..,
Among my other scumbag coach(s)..,
Including the socially exclusive less anxious more confident players among whichever others..,
Ahh..,
Who just now (I’d guess(?)) turned into more dickheads insatiably chasing lucrative careers..,

And yeah..,
How the head varsity coach “despised losing”,
And regarded being at church a reason to miss practice..,
Once said how we “failed tonight” when someone forgot to put away a home plate to completely clean up the high school gym..,
And my step-dad was later understandably mad that he waited like an hour longer than I expected..,
Yes I was just trying to please those scumbag coaches..,
Which yes,
I later learned was a mistake..,

Yeah..,
Guess what the head varsity coach got from his “Christian teaching” is to despise losing..,
?
Maybe people like him will preach about being a “peaceful loving person” yet their actions just may say way more..?

Oh how egos “despising losing” has added to so much insecure misery that I STILL carry with me..,

Shit..,
I thought the original message of Christianity was meant to help the weak and vulnerable “losers” feel less judged and feel more hopeful..?

And every time I pass that field,
With the upcoming talented baseball scumbags..,
And their insecure proud and angry coaches..,

Man,
I just want to blow that place up,
Yet well,
That will just make me a bigger loser more despised than ever,

And ohh that time when I hit my younger brother grounders at that field..,
How those memories of taking more bullshit just resurfaced in me..,
And I’m thankful that my younger brother helped me remain in control and NOT wind up stuck in some deeper hole due to vandalizing the place to try to “compensate” for some inner hole..,

Ohh fuck those coaches,
Fuck those bullies..,

Huhhh..,
And if you know and care about me deeply please do NOT worry,
Just,
While I’m in a social environment sitting by myself..,
Just thought I’d try using my time expressing memories arising in me,

And hopefully me FINALLY trying to keep it real..,
Has and/or can at least somewhat help whoever feels a need (if they’re reading this),
To,
Additionally,
Heal

?