Bad Enough

This was just so unexpected,
Even though there were no precise records of your birthday at the puppy mill,
Still..,
Based on estimates,
And based on your seemingly truly happy spirit..,
You could have easily been here with me for another 10 years,

And yeah,
..,
With all my dysregulated emotions I’ve been grappling with previously..,
This makes it so much damn harder,

And well,
Since this is keeping me awake..,
Guess I’m going back to needing seroquel..,

It’s just..,

AHHHHHHHH!!!

Shit happens,
And well I feel that,
Looking to blame someone will NOT bring you back,

Looking to blame someone will NOT make me feel happy,

Looking to blame someone will NOT at all reduce this misery..,

Of course there’s accountability,
Yet well,
I feel you were a beautiful example,
Of what a more peaceful loving spirit can manifest as,

And instead of looking to hate who “did this”..,
Well..,
That hate will just make me feel worse,
..,
That hate will just add to the inner painful dark loneliness..,

Because NOT having YOU here is just..,
Bad enough,

Guess once again my emotions are about to get more rough,
Yet,
I’m still aware,
I’m still accountable,

And well,
I fucking miss you,

And the fact that your physical form that I was expecting to return from the Outer Banks,
Will instead never return to me,
Just devastates me beyond any forms of expression that may ever come out of me,

You could’ve had several more happy years,
EASILY..,
Ohh the pain in me!!!

I wish you were still here among us,
..,
And well,
Maybe you really are a spiritually inseparable part of us,
But man..,

Aside from how I’ve been recently,
This has just so,
So unexpectedly..,

So fucking unexpectedly..,

Stabbed me more deeply