Neurodivergent energy in my home Community

I try to politely,
Politely,
I try try to f*cking,

POLITELY,

Acknowledge,
Certain people,
Yet I feel,
They respond,
To me as if I’m,
Some f*cked up evil person,

This is hard man,
With my intentions,
And what I interpret their intentions to be,
As another f*cker,
Who just..,
Aggressively,
Excludes,

Me,

I wish it was easier,
To fix,
My,
Neurodivergent,

Energy

..,

This guy was leaving,
A social venue,
I try,
To politely say bye,
And he,
Just defensively gestures at me,
At the only,
Most convenient social location,
In,
My,

Home community,

Oh I try,
I try,
So,
So damn hard,

To keep being,
That peaceful,
Guy,

I’m just like..,

Why…….?

……

Only so Much

In my belief(s),

There’s only much others can do,
Yet,
There’s only so much I can do,

So as what I can’t change,
No matter how cliché,
This may be,
I feel I must remind myself,

To surrender,
Because more pressure,
To me,
Feels to be,
More inner pain,

That more likely details me,
And jeopardizes,
The capability,
From ever being accessed,
From ever being utilized,

Yet I feel I must realize,
That..,
In addition that I believe,
It can infinitely,
Be better,

I’ll miss out,
I’ll be shut down,
To certain extents,

And that’s okay,
..,
Even if I ever thought it wasn’t,
In some way,
I hope,
I’m okay,

I try,
To surrender,
To what I can’t control,
On the way,
In whatever,

Way

If ya ask Me

I try to be a peaceful person,
Yet if you ask me,
Some are just asking for it,

I try not to overthink it,
I often succumb to over-explaining it,
It’s how it is,
And instead of empathetically considering me,
They use my struggles against me,
Reminding me of my bullying history,
Then shafting me,
For expressing how I’m offended due to,
(Regardless of their intentions),

How they treat me

Once Again in Isolation

I feel rejected constantly,
And I feel the only group that accepts me,
Still hurts me,

Such as criticizing me,
For feeling hurt,
In response to how they treat me,

Then wanting space from me,
Due to my exacerbated struggles,
Such as with paying attention,
And emotional hypersensitivity,
(Or hyper-reactivity (?)),

Of course,
many are nice to me,
Many have been often there for me,
Yet,
I feel so many,
Including me,
Struggle to NOT hurt others,
While trying to honestly express how they feel,
To keep it real,

I feel,
The only type of group,
That’ll accept me,
Often,
Makes me feel bad,
For me being me,
Instead of empathizing,
Such as acknowledging,
That a reason for my exacerbated hypersensitivity,
And learning disabilities,
Is due to my bullying history,

Sometimes they’re their for me,
Yet other times,
They throw more damaging criticism at me,
Causing another spike,
In my,
Painful obsessive insecurity,

I try to hard,
To take stuff,
Less,
Seriously,

And I try to communicate myself so hard,
And I feel mant just keep dismissing me,
And (similar to what I said (?)),
When the anger,
Such as due to feeling and failing to let go of built up pain as a result of (regardless of their intentions) how they treat me,
explodes out of me,
..,
They then powerfully,
Strongly,
Criticize me,
Invalidate or do whatever it may be to me, (Similar to what I believe a friend described to me (?)),
..,
Instead of empathizing with my,
History,
With my struggles,
With learning disabilities,
With hypersensitivity,

I feel that,
Their points are valid,
And so are mine,

As I also said(?),
I try so hard,
To chill,
Yet,
When I be honest,
I feel,
Many try to shut me down,

I feel,
I listen respectfully,
When people keep it real,
With me,
Yet,
Even the one time,
I try being honest with how I feel by ways they treat me,
I feel attacked,
And hurt,
Deeply,
Sometimes (if not frequently),

To be real,
I feel,
I respect often am there for them,
When they’re real to me,
Yet when I try to be real to them,
I often feel hurt,
My many of them,

I wish,
I felt,
Others understood more,
Of why,
I,
Struggle the way I do,
To be real,

Then,
When many of them,
Decide to distance from me,
Due to struggles of mine (which I believe I reasonably mentioned (?)) socially,
The only friend I’m left with,
Who I’m always polite to,
Eventually,
After I try to keep it real,
By saying how I feel,
..,
He tells me,
That I should NOT complain,
Because he treats me,
(Essentially),
the way,
“everybody treats everybody”,
While dismissing what I tell him such as that,
I feel laughed at,
Disproportionately,
And due to my history and exacerbated hypersensitivity,
To small stuff,
I respond,
Angrily,

Then he lectures me,
Instead of empathizing me,
Unlike moments of empathy he had for me,
Previously,

Then I’m left,
And feel betrayed,
And feel those I thought I could sufficiently trust,
Turned on me,
Then,
Yet again,
I wind up,
In isolation,
With painful insecurity,
With painful sensitivity,
With (what I feel as),
Harmful inner pain,
Harmful temptations on alleviation,
Such as being susceptible to dangerous addiction,

So I struggle,
To let go,
I struggle,
To be with,
To clear,
To heal,
Experiences,
Similar to past experiences,
That I’d say,
I very well,
Know

How I let Go

I feel that,
I always struggle with my ability,
To let go,

Am I harmfully suppressing it?
Am I harmfully self-medicating?
Am I harmfully being overly prescribed?
Am I being sucked into a belief system,
Am I being sucked into an institution that’s a harmful fit?
Am I properly breathing and detaching from it?
Am I consciously clearing it?
As of now,
I just,
Don’t feel I’ll ever be that good at it,

I wish I was NOT neurodivergent,
I wish my experiences,
Have felt to be,
A better fit,
I wish I could,
Just let it go as I go,
I wish I FELT more that I could,
“Just do” and “stick to it”,

I feel like,
Many people blame me,
For all that’s wrong with me,

And I know I make decisions,
Yet,
If they could just see,
That having autism in combination with the pressure I feel from society,
My bullying history,
My victim mentality that I fail at LETTING GO of incessantly,
And that I just feel,
That,
(Unlike I assume many others who were labeled like me feel),
That,
For ME,
My labels,
My conditions,
Has NOT often felt,
To be a blessing,

And I still doubt that many will,
Sufficiently,
Continually empathize,
With what I’m saying,

Aside from all other struggles,
Apparently,
Having a good memory,
Being predisposed to hypersensitivity and therefore,
Memorable emotional (and/or physical) pain,
I feel,
Has NOT made letting go feel easy,

I just feel,
Sometimes (if not often),
That it’s impossible,
Even when I harm myself like self-medicating,
To block out the toxic pain I feel to be carrying,

With a good memory,
A lot of what I feel a need to let go,
Just,

Sticks with me,

Yet,
I feel,
There’s always more to it,

To speak for myself,
It just feels rough,
In this present,

Moment

Speaking for Myself

They speak for me,
Even though they aren’t experiencing,
How I understand I experience inwardly,

They say,
“You think this because of that”,
“You do this because of that”,

After all I share with them,
They say,
That it’s “my fault”,
While expecting me,
To just shrug it off,
And continue treating them politely,

They keep speaking,
Thinking they totally understand me,
When they,
Experienced,
When they have come to see,
Completely,

Differently,

Sometimes,
To speak for MYSELF,
This really,
Bothers me

Gaslighting Recurring

When I try to vulnerably open up,
They try to trip me up,
They ask,
“What are you talking about?”

They use their confidence,
Their lack of anxiety,
Against my exacerbated learning disability,
My exacerbated hypersensitivity,

When I be myself,
When I try kindly keeping it real,
They worsen,
How I feel,

And I don’t trust many of their intentions,

To be real

Struggling to Avoid

(Re-posted a second time)

People tell me,
“You do it to yourself”,
When they didn’t experience,
Nor reacted to experience,
Nor developed,
the way I did,
And when,
I would NEVER,
Say that,
To them,

People feel I,
“Do it to myself”,
When I feel I been,
So kind,
So compassionate,
To themselves,

People tell me they’re,
“Keeping it real with me”,
When their honesty isn’t helping,
Yet feels to be,
Damaging,

People tell me they’re,
“Just joking”,
When what they say to me,
Feels to be,
HURTING,

People gad mad at me for breaching “confidentiality”,
Instead of realizing,
How what they were doing,
Felt wrong,
Felt damaging,
Yet they get mad at me for “snitching”,
Or however I’m informing,
..,
They treat me like shit,
While expecting me to keep it a secret..,
And when I open up,
They want to fuck me up,

People tell me to,
“Just be yourself”,
Yet when I do,
I feel,
Even those who tell me that,
Can’t stand it when I try to do it,

I feel that,
When I try to tell others,
Ways in which I feel people hurt me,
It seems to trigger their insecurity,
Or whatever it may be,
And I feel they respond,
More,
Hurtfully,

I struggle,
To find people,
Who I feel are good for me,
Yet it’s hard constantly,
Because I feel I fail to avoid those who don’t understand,
Those who can’t emphasize and are also feeling mad and sad,
Those who,
Regardless of whatever their intentions may actually be..,
Just happen to hurt me,

I just can NOT expect to change them,
I just can NOT expect them to treat me differently,
I just can NOT expect to successfully avoid them constantly,

The struggle continues,

And I feel it’s,

Hurting me,

Yeah I’d agree that “work is cure”,
Unless my coworkers,
Supervisors,
And/or whoever,
Keep making stuff for me feel,
So,
So much damagingly,
Harder for me,

Sometimes I feel I just can NOT often avoid,
Those who hurt me,
And I feel,
What I need to do,
To protect myself,
Consciously,
Remains a struggle,

Ongoingly

Regain

If I remember correctly,
A friend told me,
“What’s valid for us isn’t valid for them”,
And I wish I was them,
Although I may understand,
I still didn’t experience what they did,

Now,
I don’t mean to assume what my friend meant,
Yet,
I don’t like viewing people in separate categories,
No matter how much truth there may ever be,
Stereotypically,

I believe we’re still beings,
With sensitive feelings,
No matter what is true or not,

Huhh..

Since I’m susceptible to getting emotionally hurt,
I’m susceptible to blocking out the pain,
With quick-fix medication,
However prescribed,
Or in recreation,

Since I hate who I am,
How can I expect them to like me?

Since I get derailed from my truth repeatedly,
How can I expect to let go of harmfully painful expectations sufficiently??

I wish I didn’t feel,
In an inferior category,

Yet at least,
I still feel there’s something deeper,
Than what I experience,
And feel,

Surfacely,

Many say to me,
“You’ll be fine”,
Then I feel unwell,
And I often blame people who I feel don’t treat me well,
Sometimes I feel that,
It feels like,
mental hell,

Many say to me,
“You’ll do great”,
Then I get derailed,
And repeat failures I hate,
..,
Still,
Having support,
I’m trying to increasingly,

Appreciate,

Still,
It’s been a rough road,
And I don’t know what’s to come,
..,
Maybe I’ll keep feeling mistreated,
Rejected,
Then return to being painfully isolated??

Don’t know,
??
I try to stay with the flow,
Yet it’s been a rough current,
And the waves keep tackling and disorienting me,
And I drown in damaging pain,
Get torn apart by..
Yes, a shark..
Or whatever is brutal and dark,
Making me more insane,

And breathing,
Or awareness,

Is something I struggle to remember,
To try to,

Regain,

And even if I receive positive feedback from fake accounts,
And/or,
Artificial intelligence,
And/or,
A desperate person trying to steal my personal information,
And/or,
Kidnap and do horrific shit me,
Or whatever it is,
and why,
At least..,
I still feel,
Like I’m,
Helping,
In some way,

Whatever whoever real or fake is trying to get from me,
At least they may also be hearing,
What I feel is worth,

Sharing..?

At least some form of intelligence,
Appears to be,
Kindly,
Listening..,
??

And I still struggle..,
With not killing my liver and brain cells,
When killing all my present excessive sensitivity,
Resulting from insecurity,
Because of being an easy target,
For others to..,
Hurt me