Hi,
So,
Although there may have been times when I get deeply discouraged,
Although there may be times when I totally don’t align myself with what I see as my true self,
..,
Although I may NOT always meditate NOR check in with my inner body in ways that I feel can deeply benefit me,
Although sometimes my mind may spiral me into obsessive compulsive solidifying negativity,
..,
Although I may NOT always NOR sufficiently remain on paths that I’ve decided to venture down,
Paths that you’ve guided me on along the way,
Well,

As for having you as another therapist (and being my present therapist),
Having you as a spiritual mentor (If that’s appropriate of me to say(?)),
Or just,
Having you as a teacher,
Well,
I also wanted to deeply sincerely say,
Thank you,
For deeply listening,
For deeply understanding what I need and when,
For properly,
Consciously seeing how to respond to me,
For keeping it real about those who I thought I could trust were actually treating me,
And even though,
Well,
There just may have been certain lessons I could take with me,

Thank you,
For guiding me,
Such as in ways that would teach me WITHOUT me feeling criticized harmfully,

Thank you for continually helping me realign with what I see as my true self,
And helping me acquire a deeper understanding of ways I’ve told you that I felt to have been struggling,

Even though I may stumble and fall far off track,
Even though I may have an occasional giant step back,
..,
Thank you for your guidance,
And I feel so lucky I’ve been able to encounter you,
Along the path,
I have chosen to take,

And thank you for reminding me,
Such as,
(As I’ll say in my own words),
That there is more to me,
Than my mind’s negativity,

I can always spot and take my awareness out of the growing “pain-body”,
(Source: Tolle, Eckhart. A New Earth. 10 Anniversary th ed., New York, New York, Penguin Books, 2005, 2016, pp. 129-60. (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)),
I can always remember to listen to those such as Eckhart Tolle,

And if I try,
Well,
I can become more and more free from,
Pain from my past,
Free from excessive obsessive compulsive misery,
..,
The immense obsessive compulsive insecure mental noise can remain in the background and does NOT have to brutally control me,

Even though I may often forget,
I can always remember,
To notice my inner sensations,
To remain in my strength,
And feel less controlled by the parts of my mind that hold me back,
Thank you for helping me remain on the path,
That I have chosen to,
At least somewhat..,
Attempt,
To,
take

Hey man,
Even though this might be OD..(?),
Even though I’ve acted batshit crazy time and time again after an apology..,
Even though I guess there’s been extreme ups and downs among all experiences that I never ever did foresee after that night I met you at that social function with the karaoke,
Such as the trip to Miami,
Times my balls were busted heavily,
Getting to see that guy choke-slammed so hilariously by the guy who knew mad karate..,
The time I almost got beat up by a bouncer in Virginia beach,
When I manically snatched the two dollars out of that bartender’s hand who was then like “is he alright”,
Probably since I anxiously didn’t sleep for a couple nights..(?),

And well..,
Even if this may sound forced or insincere,
I still just wanted you to also clearly hear,
That..,
Even though I may have been very hard to be around,
I still appreciated you allowing me,
UNLIKE so damn many,
Too stick around..,

Thank you for allowing me into your chapter of that fraternity..,
Fuck those certain other fucks,
You’re alright,

And since I have been labeled as having “mild autism”,
“Including ADHD and generalized anxiety previously”,
And just never have been that loose NOR skilled socially..,
Even though when I was manic and out of control emotionally I sent a message saying that I should have “never gotten a bid”..,
Well..,
There’s also that part of me,
That,
Deeply wants to,
Thank you for welcoming me and accepting me to becoming a part of the Epsilon Omicron chapter of the Sigma Alpha Mu fraternity..,

And of course,
Even if I may have just turned out to be a damaging liability..,
If I may have expressed certain opinions quite aggressively..,
Well..,
I’d say there’s that part of me that still feels sincerely that,
You definitely have been a deeply helpful example of more positivity..,
Including that time you implicitly and/or straight-up reminded me..,
Of there being no need to mention sharks when we were having that low key heart to heart in the water at South Beach..,
Including that there was no need for me to eradicate the vibe by mentioning Flordia sinkholes when we were hanging at our friend’s dad’s place which they generously had to offer,
..,
And I certainly remember that picture you took of me gracefully jumping into the water..,
That time our other friend said there was a milf in the parallel car,
And the time in that same summer when I went up to those two women on the beach towel,
To try to pull off that zinger which was a total failure..,
And how you told me,
That..,
I miss “100 percent of the shots I don’t take”,
..,
Well even though I failed miserably..,
At least you helped me out of my anxious shell supportively,

And among all the other stuff that may come to me,
Well..,
Even though I may have appeared to be not having a good time,
A certain part of me,
Feels some of those times,
Just may have been the time of my life!

And even though you understandably may just have had enough of me,
Thank you for the experiences you had to offer me,

And aside from all I can add, change, deepen and/or however rearrange in this piece of writing..,
I’ll just add that..,
Well as I initially had wrote here:

I even remember you telling me when in Miami,
That the road trip we were on was the kind of trip that I’d remember for “the rest of my life”,
And well..,
Regardless if I ever see you again in this life,
I want to deeply thank you,
For experiences that I may joyfully,
Beautifully remember,
From time to time,
Throughout my life,

I want to wish you a happy 27th birthday,
Would love to meet again someday,

Fast and firm,

Cheers

As I like to say,
Which is that I feel there is infinitely more than words can say,
To express how appreciative I feel,
To have those such as you throughout my life,
And seeing you develop and work on yourself so much more and deeper than so many others I’ve seen,
Well,
Thank you,
For being among the few in this world,
Who are kind,
Understanding,
And know how to sincerely yet properly help whenever I may be emotionally struggling,
(Or however I’m painfully excessively grappling),

Of course,
I’d say there’s certainly been times when I’ve been extremely hard to be around,
And I’m glad you have stayed strong (when I was clearly NOT) and still kindly stuck around..,

And well,
Even though my history of having learning and emotional atypical adversity,
Having got bullied by others among whatever else may still weigh in me,
..,
Of course,
I’m still deeply glad that unlike so damn many,
You remain kind and patient with me,
I feel that you have an ability that so many others have NOT been able to attain NOR sustain the way you have,
So I feel it’s better than any set of fancy words can describe to also have you around,

And well,
Not to get too personal,
But I just wanted to give a giant “fuck you”,
Too,
Those in power,
Who use their awareness of detail to fool us into thinking that they “know the answer”,
So,
I’m glad that we (yet especially you) can strongly and courageously spot bullshit,
Such as those who may try and manipulate us by talking about truth while uncontrollably insatiably feeding their own unconscious narcissism,

Maybe while meditating,
Instead of deepening awareness of inner body sensations including consciously noticing thoughts that pass by,
They may be thinking,
“Wow, how spiritual am I!?”

Fuck them,
UNLIKE them,
You,
Not only have greatly reminded me what I also see to be true,
Yet unlike certain monastic narcissists,
UNLIKE the spiritual frauds that may exist,
Unlike whoever is full of shit because of whatever I just do NOT presently have compassion for..,
Well,
I’m glad that you NOT ONLY talk about and practice what I feel as true,
You also greatly embody it,

And just to throw it out there,
Yes,
I feel that there are true good ones in whatever may be our spiritual path..,
Or whoever it is and whatever they may try to teach us..,

And I am so amazed and impressed at how much you have worked on and truly developed yourself,
And even though we may have had intense altercations when we were younger,
(And maybe occasionally recently.. one I won’t mention..),
Well,
Overall,
I never expected how much I’d come to admire,
My younger brother

(Re-posted)

Although I may have posted some nasty shit,
And may add to it,
There’s still the part of me,
Or the part that can be developed way more fully,
That is compassionate,

I feel I somewhat understand that our natural,
Including social environmental influences may shape our choices and decisions of how we treat others,
?
Yet,
No matter how much I may hate and how deeply I may talk and post shit,

Well..,
I just wanted those of you who I am or may ever be referring to,
To at least try to remember,
That,
There is still a part of me,
(Or there can become one (if not one that can re-emerge)..),

That cares deeply

Although you may occasionally get irritated with me,
Thank you for (even if briefly) pulling me out of deep negativity with your silly energy,
Thank you for reminding me to not just focus on the bad stuff that happened to me,
And therefore reinforce a narrative,
Which includes what I have to appreciate that’s more positive,

Such as having you around,
Such as not presently being in and never having had to be in a warzone,
..,
Such as having those others who I may vent about,
Far out,
Of my life,

Thank you for ALSO being among the few who understands me,
Knows how to handle me,
In a way that does NOT make stuff deeply worse for me,
If and when I go crazy,

Although there may certainly have been times when I was hard to be around..,
Well..,
It is nice to have yuh around

Yuh know..,
I remember how some guy who hazed me in the fraternity forced me to give him my phone to see if I told anyone about how he was mistreating me,
(Well more than one did actually.. another guy from that same university who I also told you about and wrote about in my post titled: “More and More of It” (posted on August 31st, 2022)),
And that day,
He once told me “don’t tell anybody”,
Including..,
“Don’t tell your sister”,
..,
To me it seemed he’d feel the authority who’d bust his ass for busting my ass wouldn’t understand his ways of “helping me” essentially,
Or they’d “take it out of context”,
And I don’t think much context is required to see,
That he was among those in my life who were TOXIC,
And you as my sister have just been so.. so much better..,

And I do vaguely remember..,
Yet he still bullied me even though he was virtually three years younger than me..,
And who is he to think he can deprive me of my FREEDOM to tell others how he was wronging me!!?
WE have FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!
May God,
May life energy,
Bless,
TRUTH!!
AHHHHHH!!
..,
And another fraternity “brother” once sent a direct message to me on SnapChat saying he was “really fucking sick” of me talking about what the other guy did to me and him..,
Well..,
Unlike THEM,
You,
Have been so,
SO MUCH BETTER,
So much MORE trustworthy,
To open up to..,
And even though what I’m writing here may be full of memories and feelings I have about certain people who hurt me,
Still,
I feel,
This is mostly,
About how deeply,
You,
UNLIKE SO MANY,
Have,
Actually,
Been there for me,

Although a couple who are too busy may sometimes send me a deeply supportive message,
Well,
A significant amount of those fraternity “brothers” LIED about being “family”..,
..,
Very few I’ll see rarely,
Some may send an occasional message reply to me,
Others have cut me off completely..,
And well..,
That one guy who got mad at me for not letting go of how the other guy hurt me does in fact sometimes (although barely) call me to check in on me,
Yet YOU,
Are TRUE,
Family,

I try letting go of what I can the best I presently can,
And being criticized for what I have not let go of does NOT help me let go of it,
It just makes me feel more like shit,
And I feel that you understand that and too many others just do NOT get it..,

And UNLIKE most others who can’t control and misdirect their anger,
Well,
You have been so much more understanding and nicer..,
Damn right,

So..,
I want to also thank you for being someone I can really trust and go to when my crazy autistic shit life throws at me hits the fan directly,
Unlike that other guy from college who called himself “real”,
To be real,
I feel that he turned out to be unhinged emotionally who’d abuse his skills in karate,

So,
I just also want you to know,
Unlike all those scumbags like him,
You have been nice to me,
Especially when I was emotionally struggling and needed it deeply,
..,
And as for that karate kid,
Who was smiling while I was in the ice bath suffering,
Who was laughing at me when throwing up and during other moments of “the beer mile”,
Would tell me to “shut up” in front of others,
Cursed at me a number of times,
Said to me and my “pledge brothers” that he’d beat any of us up so bad that we’d be “drinking through a straw” for the “rest of our life” if I (or whichever other) were to report how he was hazing us because the criminal record would make “his life over”, etc etc,
After I was so kind and polite all the damn time..,
..,
Well..,
For him I just presently have ZERO empathy,
So I will say,
Strongly,
Since ways he treated me were just so wrong including that he felt afterwards he “didn’t do shit to me”,
There’s still that dark part of me,
That hopes he gets his,
Severely,
..,
I did NOT cause his misery,
Yet because I was anxious,
His out of control ego would talk all this shit to me,
Fucking scumbag fuck,
Having you around has been way better luck,

Yeah I know I should be more “compassionate”,
Yet even if someone has been through “so much shit”,
Well,
I don’t like even feeling slightly blamed for it since I just did NOT cause it,
..,
And thank you again,
For reminding me to NOT let scumbags like that guy who abused his karate limit me,
..,
Ohh yes,
Those memories and the hurt are still with me,
YET..,
Thank YOU for having deep empathy,
Unlike all the other bullies..,
Who even may have “pulled themselves up by their bootstraps” who had egos out to just strap me down..,
Yet UNLIKE them,
You have helped me up when I was down,
..,
Those other fucks who picked themselves off the ground,
Just wanted to take out their insatiable ego’s anger by pushing me deeper and deeper into the ground,
..,
They may have somewhat or completely achieved their “American Dream”,
Yet to me they just were so mean,
..,

Yet UNLIKE them,
You,
Had compassion,
..,

Your encouragement to remind me to keep going,
Your support of my writing,
Has been so,
So much better,
Than all those other scumbags who tried to “break me down and build me up”..,
..,
They just additionally fucked me up,
And when I would suppress so much shit and blow up,
They’d just want me to shut the fuck up,
Yet YOU,
KNEW,
That there were reasons I had to be so deeply mad,
..,
You reminded me that it was NOT right of them to all call me “weird” and (as one told me later on) wonder if they should really give me a “bid” to go through all that bullshit to become a “brother for life”,
..,
You reminded me how wrong it was what the karate kid among certain others did to me,
It would’ve been nice if I found a group of close friends who would not have put me through all that bullshit,
It mostly,
Taught me to not trust idiots like some of them..,

Yet since I was so desperate for friends,
I just put up with the bullshit,
And now I regret allowing anyone to have treated me like that,
And yes it could have been WAY worse,
Yet I feel that it was bad enough,
To be mad about,
..,
It could’ve went so much differently..,
Maybe we could’ve done something that truly could have helped us spiritually..(?),
Deep inner body social connection expansion, etc, etc..,
But that’s just NOT fraternity tradition unfortunately,
That would be “wack”,
“Boring”,
Of course to be real,
I feel the culture turned out damaging..,

And that only group of friends I found,
Just had to haze me..,
Well..,
It’s not all but a few who I just can NOT and will NOT forgive..,
And they’re NOT asking for forgiveness because to them it just was NOT “wrong”..,
..,
I will admit some were better,
Yet that karate scumbag,
Including that OTHER compulsive liar who told me a girl “called the cops on me” in the middle of April and still said “April fools”..,
Who’d get so frustrated with my anxiety,
Well..,
Unlike THEM who “tried to help me” yet just made shit so much worse for me..,
I am happy that there are those like you in the world,
And although they may be a “needle in a haystack”,
Well..,
I’m glad to have you as one in my life,
That has always been there,

Even though quite rarely you may lose patience with me,
Quite understandably,
You had deep patience,
And wisdom to offer and continue offering me,
Such as reminding me,
That there’s more to life,
Than memories of those who hurt me,
Whether to my face,
Or even in a YouTube comment section,
You remind me that I just must pull my awareness out of toxic tunnel vision,

You remind me,
That,
There’s more to life,
Than all the scumbags I may have encountered,
And may have continued to encounter throughout my life,

Thank you for putting a smile on my face,
Thank you for having fun engaging energy that helped at least occasionally,
Pull my attention out of obsessive compulsive insecure misery,

Thank you for seeing me more than just surfacely,
Thank you for being among the few,
Who has also,
Truly been there for me,
While so many others would most probably misunderstand,
Get mad and try to “help” me while INSTEAD making shit worse for me..,

Today is March 15th, 2023,
And even though the day before yesterday just happened to be the day of that karate kid’s birthday,
Well,
I just won’t say it..

And instead even though yours is just over a week away,
Well,
Just as I eagerly have so much to say,
I also would like to right now,
Also,
Wish YOU,
A very,
Very,

Happy birthday

In addition to certain other great people I’ve had the privilege of meeting,
Who in certain instances may be as hard to find as a few needles in a bunch of haystacks..(?),
Or a small number of pebbles scattered in a beach full of sand..(?),
Well,
I also wanted to deeply thank you,
Or at least show my deep appreciation,
For lending me a hand,

Thank you,
For helping me make it in this world,
While I have been carrying a bunch of atypical conditions,
While getting myself (and/or almost getting into) certain deepening situations,
For having patience and compassion for me during my episodes of (what I guess could at least somewhat be considered(?)) “manic delusions”,
And being another one who I’d say empathetically helped me through (back in July 2014),
What I guess I can call(?),
My “existential crisis”,
..,
It’s been deeply helpful to have also had your support and patience,

Maybe compatible therapists can be hard to find..?
Yet knowing you,
And/or having you get to know me,
I never did foresee,
Was an experience that I’d feel would help me significantly,

Back around January 2012,
I thought,
“I don’t need therapy”,
..,
And although there may have been awkward moments occasionally,
(Aside from times I went (what I guess understandably could be considered) “crazy”)..,
Yet..,
I feel that UNLIKE so many,
You were able to more clearly see and relate to me,
Of course,
Especially in times when I may have needed it desperately,
..,
Thank you,
For helping me keep my head up,
And helping me up,
INSTEAD of pushing me down more deeply,
Which many OTHERS may have done unfortunately even while trying to “help” me,
..,
INSTEAD of adding immense criticism,
INSTEAD of throwing insults,
You were there for me in ways I needed it deeply,

I guess..(?),
It’s quite possible that other therapists would’ve just tried to dismissively evaluate and conveniently diagnose me(?),
..,
Maybe many other therapists may have felt a need to be hard on me(?),
Which may very likely just would have exacerbated my obsessive compulsive insecurity..(?),
..,
Yet,
Having you compassionately listen to me,
Even in moments when I may have wanted to talk about some macro world issue that just did NOT at all directly relate to me,
Well,
Being able to chat with you,
About whatever it was,
I feel,
Was,
Most certainly,
Therapeutic for me,

Although maybe I would get grandiose (or a bit too carried away) about philosophy..(?),
As I guess you may remember..(?),
I often liked to try to look deeply at I guess even the small motions I’d pass through daily..,
And maybe I’d obsessively share those Alan Watts excerpt videos with his AWESOME voice and that emotional music that just may have (sometimes if not often) overly sensationalized the messages he was trying to convey..(?),

Yet,
I just want to say,
Thank you,
For deeply,
Sincerely being there for me,
For helping me,
In so many ways,
Through those days,
Back in the day,

And I’m still glad,
That from time to time,
I still get to hear from you to this day,

Although in here there may possibly be typos,
And although I feel I can always add,
Change and/or rearrange what I have to say,
Thanks again and as always,
For all you had and may ever have to offer me,
Including in moments when I may have needed it or may ever become in need of it mostly,

Thank you,
For being among the few,
Who truly knew how to help me,
Stay strong,
And continue,
Moving along

(Re-posted..),

(NOTE FROM AUTHOR: Thought I’d make some changes.. Credit goes to Michael Wilson Hardy, also known as, “HARDY”. The is a parody of the song “UNAPOLOGETICALLY COUNTRY AS HELL”. I hope this is the right link to the original song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKAfmeG08Ww)

My parents support me financially,
Got brutal OCD,
And a link to a WordPress blog that I like to share,
And I know it’s embarrassing of me,
Letting social anxiety get the best of me,
But I’m uncontrollably,
Sensitive as hell,

People say I’m a snowflake but I don’t really care,
My parents were always emotionally there,
I write a lot in my phone,
Storage gets used up,
And if you can’t dip in support group meetings you can’t dip anywhere,
No you can’t,

And my parents support me financially,
Got brutal OCD,
And a link to a WordPress blog that I like to share,
And I know it’s embarrassing of me,
Letting social anxiety get the best of me,
But I’m uncontrollably,
Sensitive as hell,

I got a closet full of juggling balls,
A stack of self-help books,
If I’ve been unemployed for too long then nasty bosses are to blame,
I more often have cried,
I try keeping my old pet cat inside,
Ever since certain people died the world hasn’t felt the same..,

And my parents support me financially,
Got brutal OCD,
And a link to a WordPress blog that I like to share,
And I know it’s embarrassing of me,
Letting social anxiety get the best of me,
But I’m uncontrollably,
Sensitive as hell,

Sorry I am as annoying as I am,
I’ll always apologize if you can’t stand the way that I am,

‘Cause my parents support me financially,
Got brutal OCD,
And a link to a WordPress blog that I like to share,
And I know it’s embarrassing of me,
Letting social anxiety get the best of me,
But I’m uncontrollably,
Sensitive as hell,

You can blame it on the drugs the insurance company forced my mom to take when pregnant with me because they didn’t want to pay for an IV,
And well,
I just like to question reality,
I’m UNCONTROLLABLY SENSITIVE,
SENSITIVE AS HELL,
Ohhh YES

(Source: Hardy, Michael W. “UNAPOLOGETICALLY COUNTRY AS HELL.” A ROCK, 2020. (KnightCite Citation Service (https://www.calvin.edu/library/knightcite/index.php)) )

Wow,
I still have an occasional memory,
Back when we were age three,
Back before I was diagnosed with any form of learning disability,
Before I encountered so much shit that my autistic life would throw at me,
So,
Well,
Just thought I’d say,
I’m glad I’ve also known you along the ride,

Even though I might have been full of some deep negativity recently,
Well,
Just thought I’d also point out some of the many ways that I feel knowing you has helped me deeply,

Thank you for mediating stuff between me and that other guy who seemingly had a hard time hearing that I felt he bullied me,
Your message exchanges definitely helped make it significantly LESS likely of me sinking deeply into a conflict which just may have made stuff severely worse for me,
..,
And I’m deeply grateful you’ve been increasingly understanding of me,
Such as staying patient and inclusive even though I may embarrassingly struggle emotionally and socially,
Because,
UNLIKE you,
Too many others I feel just may judge me surfacely,
Have immediate unnecessary suspicions of me,
Zero consideration of looking more deeply,
And may therefore do whatever to avoid me completely,
..,
Yet not only have you been there,
You also have been patient and kind,
Which is something that I have found,
Very hard to find,

Among all the stuff that I can instantly thank you for,
I’d just like to say some more,
And that is,
Thanks again for welcoming me to stop by your place every so often,
..,
Even an occasional trip to come down there,
Here and there,
Is the type of experience I just may sometimes need,
..,
And to keep being real,
Even though we may only hang occasionally,
I STILL feel that those like you,
Have been way better for me,
..,
I would much rather a rare worthwhile visit,
Than feeling caught up with others in so much bullshit,

Even UNLIKE certain others who said they were “brothers for life” who flew far out of my life,
..,
UNLIKE them,
There was nothing emotionally damaging and unnecessary that I “needed” to “pass through” in order to have friends who’d “accept” me,
..,
You knew that there was NO NEED to put me in an ice bath,
No need for me to drink my ass off,
No need for any level of militaristic verbal abuse in order to “teach me” and “determine” my loyalty..,
So..,
Fuck those who hazed me,
Fuck those who bullied me and never felt a need for an apology,
Fuck those bosses who may have regretted ever hiring me,
Fuck those supervisors who hated having to be around me,
Fuck those baseball coaches among whichever others who focused just on perfection and getting another win,
Which for me has just contributed to excessive obsessive compulsive insecure behavior that has just additionally limited me..,
And screw those who tried to just shut me down on heavy medication..,
So thank you as well for INSTEAD being someone who’d truly listen,
Thank you for remaining kind and in control when I was down,
INSTEAD of pushing me down even further,
..,
I am glad that UNLIKE so many others,
You’ve been and are a REAL brother,

And even though I feel I ultimately can NOT judge those who hurt me,
Even though I just did NOT cause NOR do I give a shit about THEIR sob story,
..,
Well..,
I guess I’ll also throw it out there that I feel that:
Having compassion for those who profoundly wronged me may also take years and years of cultivating inner peace just properly(?),
So thanks again,
For just being kind and polite,
Something that I feel can be so easy yet can be so hard for just so many..,
(Which may also include me since evidently I just may often hate those who deeply hurt me..),

Thank you,
For becoming someone I can trust increasingly,
In this dangerous world I find myself in,
With all my conditions,

Essentially,
Those times I get to hang with those like you remind me that there’s also those out there,
Who are more aware,
In control,
Non-threatening,
Less judgmental and more welcoming,
And do NOT require anything unnecessary and damaging,
For someone like me to go through,
To feel peacefully accepted in society,

And although your birthday is still a few weeks away,
I just eagerly felt like sharing this,
Today

I feel I decently understand that when others are under immense stress that I did NOT cause,
That they may MORE likely fail to control themselves around me,
..,
Yet since I feel to have been a punching bag for quite some time already,
They just,
At some point,
Will NO LONGER receive compassion from me