Locked Out

Most,
IN ALL GROUPS THEREFORE INCLUDING MY OWN,
seem locked into their own self-interests,
And,
With my innately vulnerable (autistic) challenges,
Their unconscious ego self-interests,
Have and continue to,
Step on,
Feed off,

And as for the pain I carry,
The pain their more typical/less vulnerable (to whatever extent consciously aware or not) individual selves pass onto me..
Just..
EXACERBATES,
My pain..,

So they can try to feel good about themselves,
Which only lasts temporary,
Since as we know..
It does NOT address and cleanse the deep sources of the painful unconscious built-up insecurity..,

Yet..,

They remain individually and collectively egotistically locked in,
While I’m not welcome,
Judged and of course as the title says..

LOCKED OUT,

Instead they could join me in additional needed support,
In a dominant unconscious cleansing,
Awakening effort,

Yet..,
As they say..
“It is what it is”,
And COULD be better..

Now I’ll say “whatever”,
But if it gets too painfully worse,

A part of us,
Whether we choose to suppress,
Deny or NOT,
May clearly point out,
That..
As for all we could have done..
As for solving all we could have and needed to solve,

Well..
As they say..
“As time catches up”,
We’ll say to ourselves..

“We really f*cked up”

Wishing I was one of Them

According to me..

Just because others have the same type of atypical (autistic) condition as me,
Does NOT guarantee their company is good for me,
It does NOT guarantee they’re like-minded and seek the same vision as me..
Such as because we all have different life experiences that shape us uniquely,
Etc, etc..
Obviously..

Just because others warn me,
That I’ll become “like my friends who I’m around”,
So I therefore must “choose friends wisely”,
Does NOT mean that they themselves are good for me,

Just because others may teach me profound life lessons,
Does NOT mean I should trust their actions towards me,
It does NOT mean they can do what they say enough to NOT be toxic for me,

Of course..
If they say they are “bad”,
Maybe to make me think they’re joking.. or whatever..
Then I must also stay away,
Since,
(In my present belief..),
Remaining aligned with good morals is harder,
Requires MORE consistent discipline on a deeper level,
Instead of (for example) insatiably seeking for one’s own personal gains on the convenient closed-minded judgmental surface level..,

And of course people will excuse what they do,
Like saying they just can’t control it,
And will go on and on about it..
So I must protect myself from all forms of it that I notice..,

I sometimes,
if not often,
feel that people’s bad side(s) are too much for me to handle,

Regardless of how many “heart to hearts” we have,
No matter how many experiences we have that are profoundly meaningful..
Sometimes.. if not often..,
Their bad sides they have,
Jeopardize my sanity..
And make me fear I’ll emotionally break eventually,
..
And to be honest,
I feel this has occurred more than once already,

I wish I felt on the same page as others,
In addition,
To sharing the same inner development,
Personal and spiritual continual betterment vision,

I’ve been in support groups and/or around supportive people,
Yet..
With all that is harmful that surrounds me,
It just does not feel frequent enough,
Constantly..

And I don’t trust remote communities,
Largely due to a great fear of horror stories..

I fear manipulation,
Which..
Of course could be in infinite forms of infinite depths,
..
And the manipulation could be unconscious,
Since the manipulator may not be aware of their narcissistic impulses..

Or if they’re aware,
They may feel their unconscious built up insecurity feels too strong,
And they may feel that even if they can’t align with what they say..,
Well,
They may still believe they’re teaching a “truthful way”..,

So..

Point is,
I don’t trust so.. so many..

I’m on medical leave from work at the moment,
Since my insecurity,
OCD,
and all my built up pain,
In addition to the other customer and/or work-related bullshit,
Even though practically it has good benefits..
Still..
Felt just too much to emotionally sustain, Like I said.. due to all my inner weight and hypersensitivity which can make what it supposed to be easy too much for me..

Yes,
Yes I’m accountable to contribute to society even though I have a confidence inhibiting label (autism),
in addition to all the unhealed inner bullshit resulting from bad experiences..,
Yet..
I hope to make it work in a way that’s more suitable for me,

I wish to find a way that’s more suitable,
And quitting is a risk I’m taking that I feel is just and reasonable,
Because.. yes.. I do struggle in a way that’s atypical,

It’s damn hard for me to find an environment that I feel to be sufficiently suitable,

In most environments,
I don’t share,
Nor am I on the same page with,
Those that are not autistic,
Yet,
Typical,

To whatever extent they do or don’t see each other outside of work,
Their non-learning challenged,
Non-emotional hypersensitivity,
Non-obsessive compulsiveness,
Yet,
Their typical functioning,
(Regardless of however they may be struggling),
Makes it work easier for them,
It makes it easier to connect with whatever they struggle with at work,
Easier for them,

I wish I was one of them..

Still..
I feel I have a right,
To make what I feel will work for me,
Work for me,
Instead of conforming and shutting myself down,
To what does NOT feel truthful to me,

That’s part of how I can describe how I’m feeling..

To the best of my awareness,

Presently

Without

As they say..

“It is what it is”,
Although it completely sucks more than I can put into words,

It is what it is,
Although I’m still stuck in the bullshit,

It is what it is,
Although people just make it worse than it needs to be,
With their unconscious cruel uncompassionate, insecure and sadistic negativity,

It is what it is,
Although no matter what I say I can’t stop dickheads from being fcking goddam giant dickheads.. scumbags.. whatever the fck I’m not supposed to say because of this, that.. and whatever else I don’t know and won’t connect on the same goddam non-autistic page with..,

It is what it is,
Although I’m grateful it’s not as bad as it was and however it could be,
My mind still makes it so, so pointlessly hard for me!!!

It is what it is,
Although I still.., still want a better experience or existence..

It is what it is,
Although I f*cking hate it,

It is what it is,
Although people will always continue to ruin it..

It is what it is,
Although in different words and from different experiences I feel like I’m repeating the..
Same f*cking shit..
And just expecting more of it,

It is what it is,
And I still,
After all my failed attempts at sufficiently consistently finding peace,
love and equanimity practices..
I still..
CAN’T STAND IT,

It is what it is,
Although I just must stick with it,
Although I’ll most probably run into more,
if not horrific bullshit,

It is what it is,
Even though those who I criticize have more courage than me,

It is what it is,
Even though a BIG PART OF ME,
Feels that I should NOT give those non-autistic AND autistic (if ever the case).. politicians, business leaders.. whoever,
As they say..
“The benefit of the doubt”..

It is what it is,
Yet,
As for most of it,
I’d feel better..

Without

Obsessive Compulsive Vibes

My mind is making this moment harder than necessary,
I’m trying to focus my attention on being grateful for all I have,
Yet my mind sucks me into insatiable OCD,

Or is it OCD taking over my mind..?
Is it the “chicken or egg” regarding what is making me feel bad,

Yes..

I know my mind came first before obsessive compulsive “disorder” (more like unconsciously developed insecure behavior..),
Yet..

The OCD forces are the insecurity that limits me,
Which results from bullying,

And not knowing,
How to respond,
Beneficially,

I know it was other egos,
I know they were frustrated with me,
And that they didn’t know how to help me,
And that they didn’t know how to distance themselves and most probably were NOT taught and were NOT supported as for recognizing and cleansing their own insecurity,

And I know my mind prevents me from being grateful,
I know my mind gives me obsessive compulsive vibes that I carry with me and frustrate others with,
Vibes that I’m tempted to block out with booze,

Not like I have anything helpful to offer..
Since beliefs and ideas are not practice techniques..

Welp,
My thoughts are passing,
My obsessive compulsive vibes are with me and I can’t instantly make them leave,

And if I did leave where would I go?
Don’t know..

I just,
Must,
Stay as the painful obsessive compulsive vibes weighs on me and makes what’s harder for me harder,
In addition to how others already made what’s harder for me,
With their bad vibes (or energy),
So much harder so damn frequently,

“It is what it is”,
And it is NOT okay,
Yet I have no choice but to keep staying strong on a way and whatever else comes my way

Can’t Define Me

Whatever the surface says about me,
Such as how it labels me,
Whether it says I have “autism”,
A “good memory”,
“Hypersensitivity”,
“Slow attention”.. or “slow information processing speed”,

Whether the surface says I “struggle to see the ‘big picture’”,
Or that I “take what I hear as concrete”,
Or “literal”..,
And therefore..
“struggle to understand the figurative”,

Well..
In my belief..,
As a conscious “wave”,
Existing on the surface of infinitely deeper consciousness,
And..
Or I guess.. ?
As a being,
Existing on the surface,
Or..
As a being existing as one physical manifestation,
Of all beingness,

Well,
Whatever tests, studies, labels..,
Whatever tries to “define” me as “separate”,
From the infinite beingness I believe to be a part of,
..
Whatever tests, studies, labels..,
That were created,
from other beings existing on the surface,
Same as me..,
To whatever extent they know it or not,
They,
Can’t categorize,
Can’t separate me,
From all I believe to be a part of,
Which can’t be categorized,
Which I believe to be infinite,
In whatever infinite ways, forms, etc,
That clear, deepen, expand, etc,
Infinitely,

In my belief,
Regardless of how much categorization may be needed for helpful organization..,
In my belief..,
Categorizations,
Can be categorized,
Or defined as,
“Words that can NEVER capture infinite forms of infinity”,

Therefore I believe,
As a sentient form,
Same as all other sentient forms,
That I believe exist as one form that are a part of,
All infinitely deep forms of infinite life energy,
The word “autism”,
Can,
NOT,
Define me,

To further emphasize how the belief that “nothing can permanently define us” pertains to me,

Labels,
categorizations,
definitions,
or whatever word or set of words,
can’t define me merely as words,

Although in my belief,
That if words are used properly,
Words can open to feelings or experiences that words can’t capture merely by words themselves..,

Hence,
In my belief especially,
Any word,
Or any set of words,
Can’t completely capture (or describe) any or every truth about me,
..
And I therefore believe the same about every other sentient interconnected individual,

I therefore believe,
The word “autism”,
Can NOT define me,

I believe I’m a part of what can be learned about, experienced and discovered in infinite ways,
That continue,
Infinitely,

Or to rephrase that..?
I believe I’m a physical manifestation,
As part of,
Infinity,
That words can’t completely define,
Evidently

(https://youtu.be/mMRrCYPxD0I)

I just want..

I just want my thoughts to take control,
Instead of cultivating thinking and talking self-control,
Or non-trolling self-control,
Non-bloviation energy exacerbation..

Whatever I must pursue to avoid contributing painfully unfortunate,
If not,
For my individual physical form,
AND/OR other’s,

Catastrophic situations

Reminding Myself

In my belief(s),
And/or prediction(s),

If we don’t find a way to NOT let our impulses control us..,
No matter how woke we are or whatever,
Well..
Our situation may get worse all together,

If we don’t find a way,
To NOT allow our impulses,
To control us..
Well..
Time will catch up,
and we’ll more likely have a greater number of,
and more painful regrets,
that are therefore,
way harder to accept,
Cleanse,
and be with,

If we don’t find a way,
To not let our impulses control us,
We’ll cultivate less strength,
In a needed helpful direction,
..
Which to me feels obvious,
Yet since I struggle to do this..
I just,
Feel a need to REMIND myself of this

Passing Feelings

To me..

The reality is,
I assume that,
Most members in all groups,
don’t accept me for who I presently am and how I presently struggle,
So staying as sane as can be,
For me,
Is an ongoing painful challenge constantly,

The reality is,
That the more negativity there is,
The more harmful unconscious emotional energy there is from others,
The more likely I’ll get contaminated by it,
The more likely I’ll get destroyed,
if not killed by it..

The reality is,
that denying it,
won’t heal it,
won’t cleanse it,

The reality is,
That trying to ignore it,
Trying to push it down,
Trying to inwardly compact it,
Will make it grow and take over our consciousness,
As it builds in us in whatever directions,
With a force similar to a garbage “baler and compactor”,
And even if that wasn’t the most precise metaphor..
Well..
I think I adequately painted the picture,

..

The reality is,
I can express how I feel,
in a civilized way,
Yet,
If I don’t see a way,
to not excessively whine about it,
Or if I don’t see a way to NOT add more unconscious negative energy to it,
The processes of healing as much I can of it,
Will LESS likely work,

The reality is,
Although my reality could be infinitely worse,
The reality still is,
There’s too many assholes,
And..
I’m also too hypersensitive,
Due to innate hypersensitive emotional reaction tendencies and learning struggles that got exacerbated by less innately vulnerable,
yet other insecure young individuals,
..
So finding the middle,
Detaching from dangerous unconsciousness,
Cleansing all the built up insecurity in me that makes me more vulnerable in environments of toxic energy,
Takes for me,
Proper consistent practice,
Or else,
It’ll MORE likely,
Destroy me even more than how others treating me like shit,
has unconsciously limited and/or inhibited me already,

To me based on the way I presently see (as always),
And..
Not to wish harm on anybody,
But instead of the institutions forcing me to take medication due to emotional difficulties in response to others being mean to me,
Why don’t the culprits of the harmful energy take the medication instead of me?

Yeah I get it..

Medication does NOT heal the sources of it,
It must only be used for true emergencies,
Yet,
I’m just tired of being blamed for feeling a certain way in response to how others treat me,
I’m just tired of making an effort to be nice to many others who don’t seem to know how to and/or make a similar effort..,

Clearly..
Bad and unkind energy,
is more likely to make the world a bad an unkind place,
Since in my belief (as always),
Enough good energy may contribute to healing the source of bad behavior,
To see clear,
And instead of focusing on unconscious inner toxic vengeance,
Why not try to cleanse past pain,
For a collective path towards ongoing increasingly profound satisfying present life experience..?

The reality is,
it’s too bad and sad,
That I’m dismissed as a hopeless dreamer,
Since I dream about what people are VERY capable of doing,
Although the unconscious impulsive and/or obsessive and/or insecure forces they’re locked in,
Prevent them from doing this..,

The reality is,
As my dad said empathetically,
And is what I see in me,
Thanks to the damn self-absorbed culture (among other stuff I mentioned),
Being passed down and permeating the consciousness of others who inflicted it on my atypical learning and emotional adversity,
My self-confidence has been..
ERODED,
IMMENSELY!!

The reality is,
Whether I remain in mainstream society or not,
I’m always going to encounter bullies,
assholes,
in whatever form,
race,
gender,
sexuality..
WHATEVER..
..
Who make what’s very hard for me,
So much harmfully harder,
Therefore,
Making it so much harder for me,
To NOT hit an emotional breaking point,
And therefore..
making my situation,
Whether I’m conscious of it or not,
Pointlessly,
So much damn HARDER,

The reality is,
If I don’t fit in to dysfunctional mainstream society,
I may be more vulnerable to what I believe is a “like-minded” community,
But is unconsciously a cult,
extremist ideology,
Or some group even WORSE or DANGEROUS for me than mainstream society..
So who is TRUTHFULLY sufficiently like-minded..?
Which people will truthfully make it less painful for me..?
Freakin seriously!!

Yes..
There are good people I know and trust,
Yet,
I just wanted to vent..,

..

The reality is,
To emphasize this although I kinda already (to whatever extent implicitly or explicitly) discussed this..,
If I don’t properly cultivate conscious self-control,
My unconscious hypersensitivity,
Will brutally add to my built up insecurity,
Therefore increasing emotional instability,
Which will further endanger me,
Of reacting in a way that’s life threatening,
To the next dickhead that blasts unconscious meanness at my unconscious immensely insecure emotional hypersensitivity,

So if the best environment I can find is still not a presently suitable one for where my awareness and inner painful emotional weight is at,
Well..,
I just have to find a way to consistently stay as strong as I can,
I must consistently clear and avoid as much emotional/awareness toxins from filling me as much as I can,
Because if I don’t,
The insatiable external seeking,
Inner processing disregarding,
Mainstream dysfunctional world,
As I said and/or thought about before and before..,
Will harm me even more,

To rephrase what I said before,
Another day,
May always entail plenty other dickheads in whatever forms to any extents,
Yet..
If I don’t have awareness for detaching from the world of unconsciousness,
It may spread,
To my head,
And knowing my innate atypical higher emotional and learning vulnerabilities,
And all the exacerbated insecurity in me..
What it would do to me,
Might be worse than most of everybody..?

I wish,
for no autism,
In my future present reality,

So,
The reality is,
I MUST sustain awareness,
To make it more likely,
That I’ll stay as safe as my present ability allows me to,
In this reality,

The reality is that most probably will..,
probably put insufficient to no effort,
into understanding and emphasizing with this,
Yet will just instead conveniently dismiss this,
due to the pernicious unconsciousness forces of harmful insecurity and low-confidence creating hopelessness, discouragement and resulting in laziness.. and/or whatever form to whatever extent(s) of individual or group craziness,

The reality is,
It’s just how,
There’s always more understanding beyond the walls of judgment,

I don’t intend judgment,
Just trying to somewhat explain what I believe,
What I think I feel,
In this present,

I wish for feeling less locked in obsessive compulsiveness,
which is what dominant unconscious bullying ego energy gave me,
..
I wish cleansing didn’t feel as painfully challenging and/or painfully unattainable and/or painfully unreachable for me,

I wish I felt more others shared a similar intention,
So I’d feel less alone in my attempt at self/spiritual improvement/awareness cultivation,

I wish,
Although life could be way worse,
I wish,
That others we’ll realize,
We’re capable of way more,

I wish,
Regardless of whatever extent(s) my belief(s) are wrong or right,
I wish,
To feel that more was functioning with continual less and less suffering,

I don’t always feel sure,
if most,
if not all what I say is too confusing and/or misleading..
Just another passing feeling..

And/or feelings..

Words I Need

If I didn’t have the words,
The cruel energy would kill me,
Far more painfully,

If I didn’t have the words,
To make myself clear,
So others will more likely dismiss less,
Yet be more LIKELY,
more willing,
To hear more of the rest,
Of what I have to say,
..
I’d harmfully compress and suppress,
Less,

If I didn’t have the words,
I’d be less likely to clearly remember what I need to,
Such as the word “breathe”,
To increase my chances of regaining focus,
And not becoming dangerously unaware and unconscious,

If didn’t know the word “notice”,
I might more likely NOT notice,
Getting sucked into toxic energy,
Instead of reminding myself to NOTICE,
It passing through me (instead of filling me),
And detach from it consciously,
So “Noticing”,
To me,
Is the first step,
Towards cleansing,

Today while driving the flat bed at work,
When yelling “Excuse me!”
To an old man shopper so he could hear me,
He turned around and sarcastically yelled,
“That was so polite!!”,
And I said,
Essentially,
“No one is polite to me”, (referring to people who act like he was in that moment obviously.. Since of course that has felt often, yet NOT always the case..)
And however that made him feel,
To whatever extent he heard it or not..,
As I expected,
He then didn’t respond to me..

But if I didn’t have the words to describe that,
I’d be less likely to inwardly cleanse it,
Whether by reminding myself to write about it,
And I’d be less likely,
To notice my breath,
And the inward gradual detachment from the toxic energy,
So it won’t make me blind,
So it won’t control my inner feelings and mind,

And I’ve had so much meanness thrown at me,
And since for most of my life I didn’t have the words to remind me,
Of what to remember to prevent the energy from overtaking me,
I’ve developed brutal insecurity,
That’s been built up unconsciously,
So.. so much,
That..
Well,
It really bothers me,
And makes it harder for me to not conveniently block it out in ways that’s harmful for me,
Like recreational self-quick-fix-medicating,
Which when sober,
Will make,
And has made,
balancing the exacerbated insecure emotions,
EVEN HARDER..

Although I can’t possibly write everything bad that’s happened to me,
Every act of cruelness others did to me,
If I didn’t have the words,
To explain at least some of what I see as the big picture,
As for me it would more likely be inner torture,

(Or if I “could write everything painful others did to me”, my descriptions won’t likely be clear.. and I wouldn’t want to do that obsessively, because I want to focus on creating a bigger and bigger, clearer and clearer picture when writing, evidently..),

Well,
Although in my belief,
Words exist on the surface,
since they’re not the actual experience,

Although I believe that words can,
If used properly,
Be an opening to understanding,
if not emphasizing with,
Deeper and Deeper,
Clearer and Clearer,
experience,
Or however they make present experience a more meaningfully felt experience..,
?

So.. in other words,
To me,
It seems that,
Feelings in response to experience,
exist below the surface of words,

So although,
words,
still,
may remind me,
Of what I NEED to (or could) experience more deeply,

Of course,
In my belief,
Words can’t describe perfectly,

But if I didn’t have words,
Well,
As of where I’m at now,
I don’t know where I’d be,
Or may have done,

So aside from all the other creative outlets,
And inner healing methods,
Etc, etc..,
Although writing doesn’t completely and/or permanently heal me,
Although painful experiences I write about,
May still subsequently come back and cause pain in me,

Still..,

If I did not have words,
to express what I felt a need,
to write,
I believe I would less likely feel alright,

Aside from all the options of alleviating our pain through the hard moments,
Although I can always learn clearer and clearer words to describe experiences I feel a need to describe,
Or take a deeper and clearer look at,
For a clearer and deeper understanding,

Well,
For me,
Finding the words to share how I’m presently struggling,
Although it doesn’t guarantee and or any extent of a permanent alleviation to the pain and frustration,
Well..,
Having words,
Makes helps make me feel in control,
Because it helps me understand and remember,
To stay safe,
And cleanse as much as I can,

The ways I suffer