In Peace and Power

May you live on in peace and power, Regardless of whichever other higher power(s) may or may not have created you and/or our sentient interconnected legacy..(?),
Although I can NOT speak for you, May you peacefully remain, With inseparable good life energy,
I still remember those walks around the lake, Conversations we’d make, Whether it pertained to the human state on any individual, collective, micro and/or macro level..,
I always appreciated your concern about the climate, And regardless of whatever humans encounter due to whatever naturally manifesting and/or human creating,
Well, congrats on making it through your life,
I hope we increasingly peacefully make it through together, And all I sometimes feel I can do is just make it through the day.., Although I may post a lot about negativity, Thank you for helping pave the way,
Thanks for reading those pieces of writing I sent you, And I wish you can read this, Regardless, May you find increasing peace and strength,
Of course like anyone else, We may have had excessive avoidable struggles yet we keep going, Regardless of where our mental and/or spiritual states take us I presently believe we keep on manifesting, And I plan to stay in this form for as long as I can,
Ahhhhh..,
My ego now wants to post another fancy worded letter by letter, word by word NON-autocorrected blog post, And now my IPhone 12 google document app format is acting different than usual, etc, etc, etc..,
Yet essentially I want to say..,
May you, Rest, In Peace and Power,
May your’s, Your daughters’, son’s and their offspring’s peace develop among us and all others we share this changing, interacting and rearranging inseparable personally interpreted and allegedly “accurately translated” life manifesting inseparable “energy”,
“Spirit”,
“God”,
Or whichever broad terms we may or may NOT use in vain, and/or in a state of unconscious vanity..? or whatever type of interpretation spiritual energy, to piece together the sentient condition we remain physically presently internally and externally within,
May you find more and more peace Grandpa,
Inhale, Huhhhh, Inhale, Ommmmmm, Inhale, Huhhh, Inhale, Ohhmmm, Inhale, Huhh, Inhale, Ahhhh, Inhale, Ahhh,

Okay..,
Letters, Syllables and socially constructed, Changing and passed down language, Which I feel as of now has not yet been able to put into words the manifesting life energy we once exchanged.., And I do NOT feel it ever perfectly will, Since words come out of our mouths on the surface, And since I presently believe the depths of spirit remain infinite,
And as of now, I’ll use words to say my best:
May you remain peacefully along the way, And may you among us all, Find more peace and power,
Blessings on your journey Grandfather,
May you live on,
In peace,
And,
Power

Infinite Expanding Awareness Bubble

I guess(?) I presently feel that:

There are a lot of sentient social interaction energy fields that survive on the same kind of energy they are,
That can infinitely be traced back to wherever,
Due to whatever,
Internally and externally,
Above and below,
Beyond any walls of what one may claim to “know”,
..,

Maybe(?),
Various fields of inner anatomical developing emotional energy,
Bring people together based on a common feeling EVEN if that feeling can NOT be precisely connected into logical word sequences..?

And (I would guess(?)),
The stronger the emotion,
The deeper the connection,
..?
So for example,
If uncertainty,
Fear and/or hate make others exclusively relate,
Then that may MORE likely increase an alienation energy field of explosive projection towards the perceived “enemy”..(?),
And IF that emotional energy field collides with another that is mostly or (in this case) EXACTLY similar,
Then there may more likely be another and/or more solidified dangerous clash of institutional (or emotional collective hierarchical) war!!?

I guess that(?),
The more our individual and/or tribal ego focuses on identifying itself,
The more it FORGETS that it is part of all else,
In whatever solid and/or space,
Dangerous zone or comfortable space..?
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), pages 66-67, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

In other words (I guess..?),
The present physical manifestation we’re presently in can easily forget where it came from..(?),
Regardless if there was a more powerful sentient manifestation that “created” the present form we presently manifest in or not..?

And of course I wish to keep my right to question beyond the walls of ANY tribal institution..,
Regardless of our sentient individual egoic and/or collective exclusive egoic past,
Regardless of whatever historic records are kept,
And/or deliberately or accidentally destroyed,
May freedom last!
May freedom last!

(Sidenote: I’m not sure if I need to quote the above..(?), and the fact that I’m explaining this (I guess..?) shows obsessive compulsiveness that still limits my continually changing awareness..?),

Maybe an example of a spark of destructive energy fields could be..(?),
Emotionally BINARY evolving (or devolving) sources of information (Such as what is considered “good” versus what is assumed to be “evil”),
That therefore narrows information interpreting awareness cultivation,
From generation to generation,
..,
In other words (I guess?)..,
Instinctive fear evolving and perpetuating systems of indoctrination,
..,
Powers increasing and dividing,
Emotions separating and uniting,
..,
Anatomical sentient structures producing symbols,
Equations,
Interpretations,
Translations and institutional identities,
That may heavily influence the perpetuating awareness of any sentient being manifesting within and outside the collective emotional power structure..?

In other words I guess(?),
Infinite expanding emotional energy fields,
React with varying frequencies,

Or maybe that was too vague..?
I do NOT know..?
NOR (of course) do I believe I can “know” precisely since I believe we can always infinitely expand our awareness bubble of what we “know”..,
I guess if our environment nurtures us properly..?
I don’t know..?
EVIDENTLY,

And whether the environmentally evolving or devolving,
Moral or immoral socially interacting energy fields,
Seek to find a way to separate and prove themselves “right”,
Or however the energy fields seek to solidify their “separate” and “special” identity,

I believe that (for example),
Painful energy fields need painful energy to survive and grow,
YET,
By remembering proper steps to free myself from whatever painful energy field is within me and surrounds me..,
(Such as noticing my naturally occurring breathing and/or inner sensations contracting and expanding..),
I may MORE LIKELY create consciousness,
Which of course will hopefully emanate externally from it’s inner source(s),

I guess(?),
In a nutshell,
Energy fields feed off of and interact (for “better or worse”) among one and whichever others..?

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), page 162, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

And of course I feel I struggle with this..,
Yet I just thought I’d try to more deeply piece together,
A helpfully,
Deeper,
Interpretation of this,
For myself with (of course) the intention to help the best I can within any sentient spiritual and/or perpetually changing social structural energy field,

And if I ever can NOT free myself externally,
Hopefully I can find inner peaceful freedom,
If I remember to more and more clearly spot,
What I certainly do not,
Have external control over,

And the MORE I remind myself,
To consciously emotionally check in within,
The MORE I may remember,
Even in the moments I forget,
Since LESS needed inner peaceful survival awareness will have left,

?

In other words I guess?
The more I strengthen my ability to consciously remember to emotionally check in,
The less I’ll forget because the more I’ll have previously reminded myself to consciously strengthen my consciousness memory ability..?
And hopefully emotions do NOT dangerously blind me,
And hopefully peaceful consciousness will have grown within me to stay centered to ALSO help those who may surround me,
..,
Or,
The more often I consciously remind myself of what is most essential to my functioning,
The more I’ll sustain functioning BECAUSE the moments I forget will (hopefully) have shortened..?

A part of me feels,
That there has been words (and/or phrases) that point to deeper understandings,
That I may exactly repeat in words or inwardly rediscover,
And I guess I can call that “inner realization”,
Which I’d guess someone else may already have called or “coined” as a term..?
Especially since if we come from the same life energy,
We may have (at some point) very similar (if not the same) inner realizations regardless of our ability to word them..?

And if that was not clear..(?),
Well,
Essentially,
I believe,
Figuratively speaking,
That there’s always an infinitely clearer and longer way to logically put into words,
The underlying life energy field that I believe we all manifest from somewhere on the surface,
..,
Yet,
Survival awareness,
I just of course hope to NOT dangerously forget,

I never want to be forced to sacrifice,
I want myself,
And whoever else,
To expand awareness for the improvement of myself among all beingness,

And of course that may be dismissed as unreasonably “idealistic”,
Yet I feel it’s most practical,
To develop inner peaceful self-control,
Wherever we are in the external

A thought from my Thought Document

Here is a thought I tried to copy and paste from a bulleted personal google thought document, I hope the words technologically transferred precisely..?

I presently feel that:

May we peacefully regulate internal infinite expanding linear cognitive connections for good, yet we must remember that this takes consistent inner peaceful remembering, so May we remember to breathe, so the painful inner emotional tension does not blow us into hateful delusion.., The ego I feel, (our sense of separation(?)), appears to hate what it fears, so if we spot it, May we increase inner emotional/physiological awareness of it, whether it’s up down or all around, May awareness of senses infinitely expand infinite peaceful common considerate senses in infinite directions, May music not craft our awareness into a sadistic dark emotional trench of fire waiting to explode, May awareness of inner peace developing awareness NOT brutally expire

I hope the above revised words were peacefully sincerely put together

Broad word Sequences

I sometimes feel, There’s free speech, and there’s “hate speech”, the authority decides which is which, the FAKE conspiracy theorists feed off of desperate adrenal unconscious narcissism, and my ego tries to grasp for words on the surface.., and if I misuse them, forces of natural human authority will control me, including this stanza.., I guess..?

And only the external sentient beings of awareness like me will handle and interpret and construct however minutely or broadly my letters to piece together and safely organize language that manifest(s) from their built up, and shaped overtime internal emotional awareness..?

Sometimes I’m just at a loss of words,

And my attention seeking ego,

I just must get to know,

So it does NOT navigate,

My actions into chemically reacting hate

“Oh yes, ‘it’s Magic’”

I feel that this genre can be categorized as..,
Uncertainty..?

Here’s something I tried wording coherently:

He came in,
Showed me around,
Politely introduced me..,
..,
Insisted I have a drink,
Then another,
And I felt,
And then thought,
“He’s a brother”,
..,

He failed to fake it..,
He can be honest about his inner and external life experience(s) if he chooses..,

He told me he..,
Voted for a guy whose name rhymes with bump,
And hearing his name reminded me of hummus..,
..,

He insisted to create for me a “Tinder”,
Said I first needed to be on “Facebook”,
Said someone “called the cops on me”..,
In the MIDDLE of April..,
2017,
I then felt I could never spot sufficient honesty,
Could NOT tell if lots of what he told me was lying compulsively self-entertainingly without awareness of the psychological (and/or inner stressful physiological) effects it was having on me??
..,
Such as once again,
Not being able to trust peers who “included” me..,

..,

Speaking figuratively..,
I remained in the passenger’s seat..,
Strapped in,
..,

Someone told me that someone else thought his name was “Aladdin”,
And I eventually thought..,
“What would someone think of me if they thought that I thought that”..?
..,

I was surrounded by colors,
Genders,
Sexualities,
Micro-protests and emotional expressions..,

And surrounded by..,
Prescribed and recreational levels of self-medication(s)..,
..,
I just found all the literal and theoretical JUGGLING confusing,
..,
I felt a need for a different kind of awareness blossoming,

I was way back then..,
Trying to find “friends”..,
Who,
Based on my past personal present interpretations..,
Made unusual decisions,

And I’m like..?
More recently..,
What is real..?
And what is magic..?

And I guess..?
Speaking figuratively and/or within my imagination..,
If I had a magic carpet,
I would have..,
Flew away from my past emotional pain,
Sprinkled magic dust,
Wherever I must,
..,
To clear the hate,
Safely relate,
And increase and remember to increase inner peaceful survival awareness..,
That’ll expand and expand,
To every sentient being who chooses to identify as anything my magic may also help it to..,
Open to inclusive interconnected team effort inner peaceful healing for external peace increasing that’s longer and longer lasting..,

With the hope of life feeling,
More,

Liberating

Brand Name Machine(s)

I feel that:

Hypothetically speaking,
Reading articles about emotional dysregulation can make me emotionally dysregulated UNLESS I can detach from the internal negative energy and develop peaceful neutral humble awareness resulting from whatever self-viable “step by step” or inner “operant by operant” processes..,
(Or.., peacefully and safely “learning by doing” if this (above (I guess?)) stanza did NOT make adequate sense..?),

And I guess getting provoked ain’t easy..?
NOR “reading around” a context of needed information..,
As far as I presently remember..,
My awareness seems to RISE,
Fall THEN RISE higher AGAIN..?

Because I presently believe I see stuff differently,
I feel susceptible to getting dangerously emotionally disconnected if not becoming “straight up” delusional..,

Welp..,
Yes,
I could’ve had genetics,
That may have been exacerbated by “Promethazine”,
Under the brand name “Phenergan”,
(Source: https://www.rxwiki.com/promethazine),

Because (as I talked about),
My mom’s “morning sickness” (if I remember correctly?) could have killed me,
So instead of insurance companies paying for an IV,
They could save the money,
By giving her “Phenergan”,
So they’ll have more resource opportunity savings for a trip to a place like Miami speaking hypothetically.. or is the word “theoretically”..?

Speaking figuratively..,
What if it was a hat trick..?
And even if you’re confused by the context maybe this may help..?
(Source: https://www.decof.com/documents/insurance-company-tricks.pdf, “Tricks of the Trade: How Insurance Companies Deny, Delay, Confuse and Refuse”, (American Association for Justice(?)) and as long as NO person hacks in and changes the URL (link above(?)) I’d say I morally efficiently cited this online source..?),

Of course what they’d (whoever THAT could be?) do with the money (and/or justified survival resources) is their business.. I guess..?
..,
Yet for-profit health care..,
May just have played a part in giving me the life I have today..(?),

Now apparently..,
I do NOT have direct proof of Promethazine either causing autism NOR exacerbating any genetic predispositions..,
Especially because I can not presently remember being “in the womb”..,

I presently believe that,
Articles all have their biases even if they’re not funded (in this case) by for-profit pharmaceuticals that OMIT any harmful side-effects from research presented (in this case) on the developing fetus..(?),
And if you understand what I’m trying to say no need to grammatically correct me on THIS..,

If the drug is going to sell,
Of course negative research conclusions will NOT be provided NOR further investigated in a for-profit drug industry and/or whatever type of desperately power-seeking drug institution (federal or not, neither or both..?),

Huhh..,
And maybe my insecure ego wants attention..?
(Which could’ve been partly exacerbated by medication in addition to lived experience(s) such as any worsening psychological effects of getting emotionally bullied and struggles with letting the memories go..(?))..,
But look..,
Is this really just my ego wanting attention through some “conspiracy theory”..?
Or is there some truth to medication being overly-prescribed while NOT in cases of emergency..(?),
..?
On the books..?
“Off the ‘books’”..?
Or wherever whatever aspects of legal authority may presently lack the courage to look..?

Well..,
Here’s an article from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention(?)) that says certain prescriptions for pregnant mothers increase the chances of autism by 2.5 percent..?
(Source: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/features/kf-opioids-pregnancy-autism.html)..?

And I’d guess excessive fear will unconsciously change the SUBJECT..?
Of what I just might have been SUBJECTED to before I came out of the womb..?

And well..,
My ego also prefers to conveniently simply sum up my condition to have an easier understanding of my situation..?
Yet would conveniently narrowing my awareness be safe for a moral level of personal preferable survival..?
When is it a TRULY needed context to narrow my awareness..?
As you may guess..?
To some degree I may always guess..?

Yes I hope to prevent another emotional break due to trauma,
Sleep,
Etc, etc..,
That is very complex..,
Yet the ego,
And other egos might want (or need(?)) to dismiss my complex lived experience(s) that might have caused my struggles by simply saying it’s an “illness”..,
(Source: “THE ANOIKSIS CHRONICLES”, Jennifer Kanary Nikolova, “BEYOND DIAGNOSIS — UNDERSTANDING PSYCHOSIS”, (Date published: May 12th, 2020), http://medium.com/beyond-diagnosis-the-anoiksis-chronicles/beyond-diagnosis-making-sense-of-psychosis-e32a6aeae308) and I have not yet learned how to create “footnotes” and/or “endnotes” on this “IPhone 12”),

And if I do have a “psychiotic” experience due to stress and sleep deprivation..,
Well..,
If that triggers a deeper awareness,
I must not lose myself in the experience..,
Even if there’s deeper and true energy intensity..,
I presently believe I must detach my awareness from the intense energy,
So I know it’s passing through me..,
So I remain rational and centered,
While the deep trueness I experience,
Does NOT cause DANGEROUS,
Confusing hopeless recklessness..?

Of course,
My emotional inner chemical reactions that react to experience may be shaped over time all the passing present time..?
..,

Yet to imply my lived experience(s) meant nothing and that my struggles are merely caused by an imbalance of chemicals.., some illness or whatever,
I’ve felt has felt conveniently misleading,
Since lived experiences such as emotional trauma,
That may have led to stress,
Sleep deprivation,
And/or feeling constantly misunderstood by others,
Etc, etc,
Is more specific or more explanatory than merely “chemical imbalance” and/or “illness”..,

May Life Energy regard institutional prepared freedom,

And if (as others may say(?)) “all the above” made “no sense”..,
I guess I can ask myself when appropriate..,
Was it the “Promethazine” brand name machine..?
Or something foundationally deeper..?

I guess I’ll just need to be presently,
Clearer..?

Antagonizing Empathy

I presently feel I:

Well for one (I guess(?)) hearing rhymes (at least sometimes) can make it auditorily harder to differentiate between literary meanings of syllables..?
Such as one syllable rhyming words sounding VERY similar riiight?
And I just presently lack the patience to be more literally analytically clear about that..,
And I’ll try to accept I can NOT control how whoever may interpret that to whatever extent..?

I also feel I:

Try to focus,
Then one sentient figure catches my inner senses,
..,
I try to focus,
With peripheral and/or whatever type of senses I still have that have NOT yet degenerated..,

And what did evolve and degenerate within me..?
Do I always proceed upwards linearly..?
I feel I can NOT always be aware of my weaknesses,
And some presently stronger painful vibes in others may unconsciously impulsively overpower me..?

The external forces may analyze it..?
Evaluate,
Or re-organize the syllables of pre-existing words before their present analytical ordered experience(s),

Woahhh!!

When the emotions get PERNICIOUS,
I guess the mind can get DELIRIOUS..?
And my ego may get lost trying to find rhymes and if you feel me (I guess(?)) you’ll see I am presently SERIOUS,
..?
Now my ego might consider those above ordered ending line rhyming syllables “fancy”,
And well as for the REAL present,
I guess my ego just gets lost in words to “describe” it..?

And (I guess(?)) the MORE emotional pain one suppresses and is unaware of..?
Then the MORE the pain TAKES over..?
And if the pain has combined empathetic antagonizing grievances..,
Well..,
Yes I guess(?) there would MORE likely be an explosion of multiplying dangerous emotion leading to a LITERAL explosion..?
?
And more and more,
Yes I’d guess that’ll increase the likelihood of another war..?
..,

And more distant varying indifferent analysis,
..,
Ahhhhhhhh..,

Ahhhhhhh,

Huhhhhh

Broadening and Capturing

I feel I’ve often wondered..
Who presently has used the fewest words to LITERALLY capture the most emotion..?

I guess I could say that would be,
As many appear to say,
“Rewarding”,
I even feel that word can be broadened and interpreted depending on the marketing,
advertising,
Or whatever word is most CAPITALIZING..?
Right?

..,

And as for me,
I feel in order to broaden and expand my literal attention span,
Well,
I need sufficient peace and quiet,

And I hope that made sense,
Yet whatever I post on my blog,
Or whichever words come out of my mouth,
Will of course (or I guess(?)),
Be interpreted,
By any others’ present varying broadened or narrowed,
interpretation awareness,

And whichever energy I receive,
I hope the pain of whatever and whenever,

Just..,

Reduces,

Now I’m grateful for this inner peaceful sensation,
And since I can NOT teach it to others,
Instead of bringing me down,
I hope that they (whoever that might be(?)),
Discover more peace inwardly,

And although I might always be able to write more concisely,
Well,
May this be interpreted NOT personally,
Yet of course,

Adequately,
Morally,
Safely and..,

Broadly

Cruel and Unusual Perfectionism

I believe in NON-traumatic freedom of emotional expression,
And I fear I’ll be hurt if I express that belief in the wrong way,
at the wrong time,
to the wrong person,
in the wrong social/whatever related context,
..,
And I guess my labels drastically affected my confidence to have a term of endearment I’m allowed to use..?
Well..,
Maybe the “energy” will teach me..?
Is it remaining jealousy..?
..,

If you presently wish to keep reading,
I wish you discover at least something..,
That remembers me as more than a number,
Equation,
And/or MORE than some autistic male who “kills the vibe” in every social interaction..,

No need to panic,
I just take what comes,
And respond,
React,
Make choices,
Decisions,
Envisions,
And I..,
Try,
To however,
(I see fit for myself and whoever surrounds me),
COMPLY,

Not to be too hard on myself,
Yet I’m not sure if I “PERFECTLY” grammatically pieced these following words together,
?
Hence I GUESS(?) I feel that:
..,
And well..,
If you somewhat know your inwardly clear common sense moral RIGHTS maybe(?) you’ll also feel that:

Many other unconscious irrational forces may (feel a “need” to) punish me for even the slightest imperfection severely,
I guess that is..,
Uncertainty?
My remaining “ADHD”..?
Unconscious past experiential discouragement..?
For one I feel I’ll need safe consistent sleep if I’m going to ethically analyze it,
..,

Okay and as for this next stanza,
By “they” I’m referring to ANY individual/group surface level identities..,
So presently I’ll define myself as a peaceful non-violent human with varying extents of varying emotion..,
Yet instead of deeply understanding a complex inner anatomical emotional equation shaped by lived experience,
It’s easiest to say,
In some way that I have a “chemical imbalance”..,
Remain indifferent,
And define it as being “present”,

Of course practically speaking I try remaining peacefully present for myself and others,
Yet I fear that,
Many others’ present (changing) world views will use whatever they find deeply against me,
And when I kill the vibe the forces within others may have medication to suggest for me..?
Chemical terms to describe me,
Without reciprocating empathy because the label(s) they diagnose within me are all they have time for..?

Yeah I still remember that it’s NOT just about me,

(And my ego sometimes says if I repeat the same word too many times my cognitive/whatever type of “big picture” inner awareness may dangerously shrink..?),

..,

Ohh the inner energy forces just might be flying all over the unconsciously dominating expanding brand name hierarchy whichever others work for while feeling free,
..,
While remaining so focused that they forget the (emotional/physiological) pain they’re giving to others since internal unhealed guilt-tripping unconscious emotional past clinging pain is giving their present awareness orders for others..?
..,
Such as forces of envy due to others not hearing their story equally..?
According to those in hierarchical control presently..?
..,
And maybe that’ll be a way the forces will inwardly command subordinates to torture those currently under their control..?

I do NOT mean to “troll” yet I do NOT want horrific history to repeat itself,
And in this context I hope others seriously agree,

..,

And well I still sometimes (if not often) fear and/or imagine that:

As I remain strapped down like a clown,
Mouth sealed shut as inner tension is building,
Too many may just keep diagnosing,
And labeling..,
And lose too much self-medicated emotional balance while partying..?

Ohh,
Ohhhhh,
Huh HoOHHHH,

What’s my condition..?
How would drug induced others (however prescribed or not),
Help me further avoid painful lucrative medication..?

And well,
I guess that’s another worded reason..?
Why,
I believe in NOT sadistically abusing..,
Freedom of expression,

??

And as for the title,
Well,
We may have freedom of what we do and say,
Yet let’s also remember to have MORALS about the effects,
..,
I feel it is just,
COMMON SENSE

(Source: United States “Bill of Rights”, Ratified: December 15th, 1791, 8th Amendment)

Well Intended Attention

If my inner awareness could capture attention most needed for myself and others all the time, then I would do it all the time, yet my awareness, is not all present sentient existence, I only manifest, as a wave, who struggles to socially connect and stay balanced, and who drowns in question, and seeks for ethical gratification, and my ego hopes that caught some well intended attention