Energy Overload

My thoughts and feelings are overtaking me,
Like a tsunami,
An avalanche,
A powerful current,
That overwhelms and disorients me internally,

There’s so much I want to write down,
So much I want to share,
So,
So much I want others to hear,

Yet,
I’m becoming less and less clear,

Presently speaking,
The more I think,
The more I lose my ability to clearly think,
For reasons such as that,
I lose myself in thought,

Intense inner energy,
Such as,
Thought overload,
More likely makes me,
become unclear,
unorganized,

The intensity overtakes me,
And sometimes causes me,
To lose center inwardly,
Drastically increasing vulnerability,
Such as becoming an even easier target,
For others’ unconscious insatiable egos to control me,

The less clear I am,
The more unaware,
And less alert I am,

And the less,
I can clearly express,
What I feel I need for others to hear,
Especially in moments of distress,

I now must check in,
Within,

So I find myself again,
And consciously step out of,
And safely witness,
the current of energy intensity,
As it passes through me

Sayings..

“The ax forgets but the tree remembers”,
Is among the many sayings I didn’t create,
But the ax (bullies) cut down my developing confidence in myself,
And forgot about it because for them,
All they did to me,
wasn’t as memorable for obvious reasons,

And I guess,
for obvious reasons,
I’m now a grown-ass tree stump,
Instead of a conscious,
confident beautiful colorful person,
getting the most out of life..,

Guess that’s often life..?

Please remind Me

Guess someone whose innately wrong like me,
Won’t last long most likely..?
..
I struggle to shrug off my back how others judge me painfully,
Too damn constantly,

When out in public I struggle to control myself when people cruelly look at me,
Like this one guy who sadistically glared at me,
Because I was too anxious to tell my dad to move out of the way so he could exist the pizza place,
Then while trying to quietly express my frustration,
A woman looked at me like I was crazy..,
Instead of providing peaceful empathy,
In a world in danger or hellacious instability..,
By the next unconscious shot fired..,
Even if it’s due to a wrong assumption,
In response to another’s unconscious projection..

Maybe that’s hyperbole?
But if we keep disregarding empathy,
It may just become a reality?

Because,
How can you kill someone who you know,
Who you emphasize with,
Who you understand and truly feel,
To be a part of,
From the same infinite source?

Of course..
We have the RIGHT to our own beliefs,
But I believe,
To receive the KINDNESS I give to others..,

Yet I try my best to expect how people will treat me..,
As they have and will continue to,
And I’ll struggle and just might feel a present need to write about it..
Such as I did in my very FIRST blog post in early June 2020..,
Which was another moment when I was struggling with how I felt people were judging me..,
Instead of cultivating compassionate energy,
So they’re less likely to provoke me,
So I’m less likely to LOSE control and escalate pain catastrophically,

Sometimes my unconsciousness,
Could cause the next straw of unconsciousness,
To unconsciously break me..?

Once again..,
I just needed to express that so it doesn’t unconsciously violently erupt out of me,

Even if you disagree and/or have advice for me,
Even if you want to challenge me,
Please empathize with me,
To remind me that I’m not alone,

Even though I’m a target of disrespect by others frequently,
Due to how I come across due to my learning disability and hypersensitivity,
Please remind me,
That I’m not alone and separate,
Just because I’m labeled as,
“Different”

Keeping Peace

Since I can’t change others,
They’ll keep talking shit,
And in whatever context, circumstance,
I’ll just need to let them get by with it,
So I don’t threaten civilization,
By standing up to their unconsciousness,
And horrifically,
Deeply,
Escalate it,

Since I’ve been shit talked about a lot,
I may quickly assume it,
No matter how obvious,
It’s obvious,
I must find inner peace,
To help keep peace,

I just remember to practice checking in within,
To try to stay conscious,
So I don’t forget,
Even what’s obvious

Easy Target

Because I lack confidence in myself,
I’ll believe I’m the one whose not alright,
When others gaslight,

They’ll make me doubt how right I am,
Because I’m trying to please them,
Because I want to fit in,
Because I’ve had enough mistreatment and isolation…..
And of course,
Because they’re power hungry,
Sometimes blood thirsty,
Egos,
Clearly know,
I’m an easy target,

I have trouble staying centered in a chaotic world..,

When I’m not taking a type of medication,
In recreation,
It’s then,
through prescription..,

Man….

I try,
try and fucking TRY..
Yet no matter how hard I try,
I’m just a silly autistic white guy,

Why should I not mention race?
I’m AUTISTIC..,
I’m going to lose no matter what,
IN THIS CASE..,

You either find me hilarious,
or impossible to stand,
No matter how well I express myself,
You experienced different so..,
You won’t understand..,

Whether or NOT I’m being laughed at to an extent, that confuses me and is harmful for my development..,
I assume others often keep me in their hostile projection,
Then I somehow fall victim to their dangerous assumption(s),
And I once again lose trust in people,
Then go back to isolation..,

I want to be free of this painful repetition,
Yet my lack of confidence always assumes I’ll fall victim to dangerous unconsciousness,
Such as manipulation,

I know it’s my mind,
Such as..,
My innate emotional hypersensitivity,
My learning disabilities,
That makes me an easy target,
Tells others to “come bully me”,
..
Yet if I don’t control myself,
It could escalate horrifically,

It’s a painful obstacle,

Too frequently..

Huhh..

I can’t tell when I’m being evaluated,
Emphasized with or both?
Which I guess makes me an easy target for gaslighting?

Yet due to my damaged confidence,
Among many atypical characteristics,
I’m an easy target in all sorts of ways,
Which sucks,
In all sorts of ways,

At least as of now,
If I didn’t write this or anything I might’ve been feeling way worse,
?
Regardless,
I must consistently detach my awareness,
From any forms of dangerous unconscious,
Force,
Or current,
Or whatever is the clearest way to describe it

?

Staying Fit

If people talk shit,
I still must live the life I see fit,

Living to please others is something I must quit,

But I must practice what is true to me,
So I remain fit,
To keep living the life I see fit,

To keep remaining in my truth,

No matter how many others talk shit,

Remaining in alignment with my truth, I’d rather not quit

Eyes on my Mind

I didn’t sleep last night,
So,
I’m prepared for my mind to speed up,

Yet I must avoid it’s dangerous currents and undertow,
Because,
If others with more power fearfully misinterpret my behavior,
Who knows where I’ll go!!?
Who knows where their fear of me will take me?

My mind is unconscious,
And so are many other minds who have more power and influence over me,
Although it says I’m free,
Their unconscious fear still seeks power over me,

So,
I must watch my mind as it’s speeded up,
I must watch my breathing and inner body sensations,
Because since my mind is derailed,
It must not be the only one,
Navigating my awareness,

I will once again,
Try to give it rest,

So I can more regain center,
To at least feel somewhat better

No Guarantee

I know I already posted about this at least once if not more yet I just wanted to emphasizes beliefs and questions such as:

Is pain the ONLY teacher?
Is it the ONLY way?
Is it the ONLY necessity?

Does experiencing pain ALWAYS lead to the same outcome?
Or can experiencing pain take us in multiple directions?
And lead to completely different destinations?

In my belief(s)..,

If I don’t know how to properly learn from pain,
If I never inwardly discover how to properly respond to it,
then it will NOT make me stronger..
since I may unconsciously react in a way that exacerbates the pain..
Such as focusing my attention on when it’ll end instead of accepting it as it occurs..,
Causing all kinds of crazy resistance behavior..
I guess?

And of course,
pain may be one way to “learn”,
aside from learning (or inwardly discovering) how to strengthen and prepare oneself to properly respond to any level of pain when faced with it,

Yet can we learn whatever our most needed life lessons are without experiencing immense pain?

Because hopefully,
If others show us,
Or assist us in a needed practice..
Or if we somehow discover ourselves a way to practice how to prepare ourselves before the pain gets too dangerous..
So we respond properly..,
To suffer less in the same inevitable experience(s)..,

And even though they say “you have to know one to know the other”,
Such as “needing to know pain to know pleasure”,
Can we still know what pain is WITHOUT having to experience it..?

Even if we never experienced a certain level of pain,
can we still imagine or understand it and discover ways to avoid it instead of believing “we must experience it?”
Or at least can we avoid insane high level pain..?

Does experiencing the same level of pain always lead to the SAME outcome?
Because people seem to have different types of awareness and reaction unconscious tendencies (for example)..,
To me,
As for outcomes of pain,
There doesn’t seem to be a guarantee..,

Based on my perceptions,
there has been lots of pain that has made me have weaker confidence in myself,
The pain I received from bullying,
did NOT teach me anything,
yet made me less clear,
more confused,
less confident..
Yes..
Point is,
although moving through pain may make us stronger,
still..
according to me,
there is NO guarantee,

And if I’m not good at something,
Such as socializing,
It does NOT necessarily mean that I “didn’t painfully push myself hard enough”,
Yet it could ALSO mean,
That the pain was TOO much,
And that I then did NOT know how to alleviate it,
Or meaningfully accept it,
So I therefore lost confidence in myself,
So trying to be social was then something I quit..,
..
And since due to my condition I innately have more “social anxiety” in ADDITION to learning disability,
I was therefore more likely to experience even MORE pain socially such as others who were less challenged socially being dickheads and using my struggles against me,
Instead of offering to help me..,
Yet of course at certain ages,
And well..,
Sometimes at all ages,
Even those who can be social and chit chat about meaningless bullshit,
Can still not know shit,
When it comes to helping others who struggle more than them,
And instead those types of dickheads made me feel bad about myself as a convenient unconscious attempt for their egos to feel better about themselves,
When in reality,
In those moments especially,
It was them who was being the ignorant dickheads,

I gotta say,
The way..
Those exclusive “bubblegum club” members glared at me,
When I was in third grade in the after-school YMCA,
Was pain that was just so damn unnecessary,
And if anything,
As for my self-development,
That,
Among all the other bullying and meanness from others I experienced,
made it so much worse for me..,

(I even remember when I tried to hang out with one.. he told me to “get away”.. or something.. essentially I wasn’t doing anything harmful.. yet when he told a counselor, he essentially said, “he’s annoying me” (or something like that) and I said I wasn’t or didn’t mean to and this counselor lady said “you’re fibbing to me” when I was NOT, so instead of the “bubblegum club” member who participated in excluding me got me in trouble for no reason which then caused me to sit by myself.. So I was the one who had to get “punished” by sitting by myself.. or some unnecessary bullshit.. and damn.. as for that counselor thinking it was me who was doing the bullying and then treating me like shit.. I’ll say she was being a fucking oblivious idiot.. and shit.. I even remember that woman was visiting or something and being friendly among others, in addition to the “bubblegum club” members.. who were also treating me like shit.. man.. I know to feel better I must continually let it go.. but it’s just not right as most of us hopefully know! And as for responding to pain, experiences like that just so often gave me more pain, instead of helping guide me down paths of responding to pain properly.. those types of experiences didn’t teach or lead me to anything.. they just created excessive, unhelpful and UNNECESSARY suffering),

Lots of immense pain from others did NOT teach me,
Their energy did nothing to further inwardly “awaken” me,
It just made stuff worse such as confusing me,

If someone wants to teach me a lesson,
And if they get pissed off because I’m a slow learner,
Who’s anxiety and lack of confidence makes it additionally harder,
I wish they’d consider,
How directing their anger at me,
Or however they are trying to help me,
Is really affecting (not only them) but me,
Yet I have to rely on them looking deeply,
Yet with most (if not everyone)..
There’s just NO GUARANTEE..,
Unfortunately,
(And unfortunately.. with many.. it doesn’t seem that developing the ability to act kind is likely..),

Instead of learning internal healing,
Instead of contributing,
Healing energy..,
Society just expects me,
to suppress,
And if I lose control,
Society will make me even more oppressed..,
So..
If I don’t discover how to maintain consistent proper,
needed awareness,
As for responding to pain,
Then I’ll become even more disoriented and trapped in even MORE unnecessary pain..,
..
Hence if I don’t put in the work to inwardly clear and prepare,
Not working will make me suffer to an even greater degree seemingly..,
..
Since the pain that I’ll inevitably become faced with,
(Whether externally (such as from others),
Or inwardly (such as my unconscious ego’s insatiable expectations increasingly requiring more and more and harder and harder to attain and sustain “happiness conditions”))..,
Will feel more painful,
damaging and therefore harmful,
since I was less prepared in ways to respond to the pain that could have been helpful,
Meaningful,
Or however presently existentially beneficial..,
(Of course, aside from learning how to develop myself in the most needed ways, with less pain),

(And of course this is in my beliefs.. regardless of what the truth actually is.. yet it seems like a truth to me.. that pain may sometimes, yet does NOT guarantee, proper foundational internal clear strength development..),

So if anyone assumes I am the way I am because I “chose to avoid pain”,
If anyone assumes that me “avoiding pain” is why I’m “not strong”,
Well..
According to me,
That type of assumption about me and my history..,
Is just so damn wrong,

And I’ll just add that,
Even though my innate struggles and toxic environment(s) haven’t helped me inwardly strengthen my internal capabilities,
Such as my lack of..
Or my insufficiently developed pain tolerance..,

Well,

As for my understandings,
I still feel I have stuff that may be helpful or worth reading..,
And maybe..,
Just maybe,
What I have to say..,
May even be helpful to at least some of those who,
In many ways,
May have stronger “pain tolerance(s)”???
Or struggle in ways I don’t..?
Since,
Even though some may have certain aspects of life easier,
What I say..
I hope,
May be helpful to anyone in at least some way..?

Anyway,
Out of all the types of pain tolerance that I did not yet,
Or may never attain,
Well..,
At least I feel I decently developed my ability to put into words,
Feelings that I feel others need to hear..

And of course I hope my words help open doors to understandings that are deeper and deeper,
And yes I know I may not be that good of a writer,
Yet..
At least there’s still some stuff,
That I hope is helpful,

Such as discussing,
Such as considering,
Thoughts on pain..,

When faced with pain..,
How do we respond..?
How do we avoid more UNNECESSARY suffering?
How do we cultivate more accepting and less resisting..?
Through breathing?
Consistent proper meditating?
I know I struggle to do what I view as proper practicing..,
Yet I still felt a need for posting this..,
For reasons such as trying to understand what is most helpful for what I constantly experience when passing through this physical form as part of existence..,

Yet,
As for improving,
Or how to improve at anything,
To me,
There’s never one “correct” way of doing anything,
Never one “correct” way of experiencing,
Never one “guaranteed” outcome for anything,

Those were..,
Just some thoughts (aside from me mentioning YMCA experiences I could’ve been better off without.. among so many other experiences..) that..
Although I feel they could all be infinitely elaborated on..,
(My thoughts, feelings, experiences.. etc..),
Still..,

I just felt a need to share,
With intentions such as..,
Helping MYSELF and whichever others become in any needed ways possible,
More aware..

Yes..,
I’ll need to re-read this myself,
I know I often repeat myself,
Yet..,
I just have similar experiences and thoughts..,
Sometimes they may lead to deeper realizations than I ever experienced before..,
And other times I may be so unconscious as I was before and before..,
And I know I repeated stuff like that..
In however similar or different wording,
Yet as I repeated,
I believe a lot of stuff is important to be reminded of..
And as I repeated,
(If not, at least what I thought repeatedly (my OCD will always make me excessively prove my point.. out of an excessive fear that others may misunderstand my point(s)..)),
New experiences seem to come down to similar conclusions..
And as I repeated,
I can always deepen and clear any presently held realization I have now,
Since as I repeated,
New realizations are infinite,
And can be expanded upon infinitely..
And/or I guess..
As repeated,
There’s,
INFINITE INFINITY..,

Yet I felt a need to write this ESPECIALLY,
So I can re-read it (and of course revise it),
So I’ll MORE LIKELY remember,
What may help me,
Feel reasonably,
Meaningfully,
Better,

And of course there’s no guarantee,
Yet,
As for my writing helping people like me and whoever,
(Including me especially),
Although I try to make that as likely of a possibility..,

With..
I guess pretty much anything (if not everything),
To some degree,

There’s no guarantee,

There’s just always some uncertainty..

?

So I guess..
The more we accept it,
The less we excessively fear,

And the more clear we are,
The more we’ll clearly see,
Which types of pain we need to avoid,

Hopefully,
We keep discovering ways to suffer LESS excessively

Thanks a lot Will

Just because someone makes an offensive joke..,
Or whatever has been going on..,
Does not mean that you walk on stage comprised of people who are supposed to represent civilized behavior,
And promote violence by slapping someone,
..
With the millions of people watching,
Especially children,
Because..,
What example does it teach?
..
To use violence..?

Now I get wanting respect,
But I have respect for those who act like good examples,
And when those who I admired let me down,
Oh how it makes me feel DOWN..,

Even if Will Smith slapping Chris Rock was “staged”,
It looked too real,
And gave too much of a dangerous impression,
Especially since (I would guess) most people,
May have sides to them,
That want to be like Will Smith,
And..,
Due to the fact that most people take stuff out of context and act way more emotionally instead of thinking critically,
And because (most probably),
Our behavior in front of millions of people gives others (although it could be a false one) an impression of our group,
Hence,
As for those who think critically would understand..,
If we act uncivilized,
The majority of non-critically thinking people are dangerously more likely,
To make an assumption about our WHOLE group,
Due to one action,
..
Due to the fact that they get an emotional high on judging other groups as “bad” and think they’re among the “good guys”, etc, etc,
..
So if I was a famous actor,
And if I didn’t honor those who put in the WORK to sustain and represent civilized behavior,
I would dangerously increase the chances my group of “autists” would suffer,
Such as from greater judgment and discrimination from others,
Because I’d be another guy of a discriminated group who displays bad self-control,
And therefore I’d be less likely to get hired,
Leading to one problem, then another and another..,

And due to the dominant systems of unconscious judgment,
I will continually suffer..,

So clearly,
Even though I’ve hated my life for a long time now, Violence may just make my situation(s) brutally worse..,

And just to mention..,
As for other reasons that may have justified Will’s anger (NOT his behavior)..,
Compared to other REAL world issues that affect more people,
Evidently do NOT seem equally to matter..,

Yet..,
Thanks to him,
This is just another unfortunate event,
That just makes me more upset,
And makes me more hopeless,
And more tempted,
To conveniently block out my increased inner painful feelings,
Since healthy,
productive,
constructive ways of doing that are taking too long..,
So largely because I’m struggling with patience on being rewarded by feeling good through doing what’s best for me (such as meditating),
I’m more susceptible to conveniently,
Yet,
Overall harmful self-medicating..,
Once time catches up..

Yep..
Even though slapping someone is a pretty small form of violence,
It’s impact,
Especially how it’s making me feel right now,
Feels way worse than a slap..,

It was a “straw that broke my back”,
Well..
Maybe that’s hyperbole,
Yet..,
It just makes me so much more upset..,

Hence,
even though I largely don’t care about the lives of celebrities,
And haven’t been following more important issues,
Largely due to my personal issues..,
..
I just think it’s very unfortunate,
That Will Smith,
Who I once admired,
Let me down,
And acted like another fucking clown,
And like all those stuck in unconsciousness who I struggle so hard to not get harmfully affected by,

And I do remember the time he slapped that guy for kissing him,
Which I also did NOT approve of (yet understood why he’d want to do that)..,
Yet even though society may regard him in many ways as more successful than I’ll ever be,
With the huge NEED for peaceful energy,
What he did the other night and still received his award,
Just added to my misery..,
And I didn’t care for his apology..,
And I know he wasn’t crying about that..,
So instead of viewing him as a good admirable person,
I’ll probably more often,
View him as a fucking over-privileged asshat..,

And I know compassion isn’t easy,
Yet he just made it so much harder for me..,

As we all know there’s been others and incidents WAY worse in history..,
Yet I just don’t want to feel even more down,
Because it’s too much already..,

Maybe I’ll get less angry..

But I have to say..,
Thanks a lot Will,

Way to help give me,
And others,
Real hope in humanity..

Way to fucking go..
Jerk

Thanks

What do I need to hear!!?

You want me to hear something huh?

Well,

How will it help me and you,
You think you know??

Has anything helped me sufficiently..?

You think I fail to help myself?
You think I haven’t tried enough?
And that I’m stuck feeling too sorry for myself?

Wow.. thanks for the help..
What did you teach me?

Besides criticizing me!!?

You don’t know?
Even though you say you do..

Well..

Fuck YOU!!