Know Flow

When we,
Get in to a,
“Spontaneous creative flow”,
Do we know?
What developmental effects our,
“Flow”,
Will have on the individuals of any ages,
Who are trying to nourish themselves,
And grow???

I hope,
enough,
know..

Woahh

Increasing Tolerance of Pain, Steady and Sane

If I was buried,
Infinitely alive,
In an oven casket,

I presently doubt,
I would inwardly detach myself,
From the pain,
Enough to ever find acceptance of it,
I hope it doesn’t stay like that,

The less I know,
How to alleviate pain,
The more,
Pain I feel,
While experiencing,
Whatever is regarded as,
“Pain”,

Even if I came,
From nothing,
And will return to,
Nothing,
I’ll still have hope,
In something,

As Mark Manson talks about,
In a book of his,
Based on one of my interpretations,
Hope,
Keeps us going?

I don’t know??

(Source: Mark Manson, “Everything is F*cked”, (2019), (page 19, or I guess, just read all pages.. there, I gave him credit, so I won’t get accused of plagiarism, if I coincidentally quoted him.. Riiiight??)),

I feel more comfortable,
When I believe people,
Are taking what I say,
Literally,
Yet,
I worry,
That my mannerisms will,
Make others who can’t stand me,
lose control emotionally,
Dangerously,

I guess,
it’s hope that,
keeps me going,
Inevitably,

Yet to paraphrase something else,
Which hope is,
Real,
And,
Which,
hope,
Is,
False?

I worry,
That I’ll become too focused,
Then lose focus,
On safety,

Video “thumbnails”,
And different,
Personalities,
Looks,
Usually what I find confusing,
I fear,
Make assumptions about me,

And I fear,
Losing focus,
On what any other sentient being,
May be planning,

Yet I guess,
In addition to hope,
I hope,
For better and better cause and effect,

I don’t know how to end this,
Stanza sequence,

?

I’d guess,
We can always,
Ask,
Why?

Yet,
Why,
Is it,
That I’m always feeling,
That others,
Can’t focus,
On,
How their focusing,
Feels to be,
Causing ME,
Suffering?

Is it possible,
For EVERYONE to know,
Right from wrong,
And NOT experience pain?

Is being “sensitive”,
Always “bad”?

If we’re COMPLETELY,
Not sensitive,
Then how will we know how to,
Prevent suffering?

So don’t you agree,
That saying,
“DON’T BE SENSITIVE”,
Can be,
Painfully confusing??

Another platitude,
I’d say this comes back to,
Is the importance of,
Moderation??
But when?
I currently,
Can not,
Spot,
Deception,

My,
Ego,
To varying degrees,
Seems to feel a need,
To overcompensate,
To prove to others,
Who don’t believe,
I been through shit,
By reliving,
YET,
filming all of it,

So,
That what,
Causes me pain,
That I do NOT want to relive,
Yet,
Feel a NEED to PROVE,
Seems to be,
My victim mentality,
Feeding into,
A surveillance hierarchy!?

So,
It seems to me,
The more I focus on MYSELF,
The more DISTANT I am,
Regardless of how close they are,

It also seems to me,
The more the thought of being “PERFECT”,
Distracts me,
The more I forget about my rights,
And the rights of others,

So I also,
Really,
Really hope,
That any NEEDED changes for my own,
And EVERYONE’s survival,
Remains,
Physically,
and,
Emotionally,
Peaceful,

I’m not ready,
For more pain,
I want the step by step process,
To be steady,
And sane,

To build pain tolerance,
I want it to be,
Slow,
STEADY,
And,
Sane,

So presently,
I’m not ready,
For your judgment,
Of how much pain you wish to give me

Unaware Sentient Manifestations

Even though it’s my ego,
That wants to get back at those who wronged me,

Even though it’s my ego,
Who clings to what others did to me,

Even though,
The consciousness I can feel more and more,
Is far deeper,
Than my surface level,
Unaware,
Self-absorbed,
Insatiable,
Insecure..,
Ego,

There’s still that pain I feel,
There’s still those conditioned and surrounding forces of ego that inhibit my ability to inwardly heal,

There are those,
Who dismiss what I experienced,
By in their egos,
Calling it a “victim mentality”,

There are those,
Who will believe I was born with,
A victim mentality,
Before what made me a victim,
Occurred to me,

There’s still that pain,
..
Since,
Understanding is infinite,
I don’t believe there’s a perfect metaphor to describe it,
Yet my ego really hopes,
What I’m trying to say here,
Adequately leads to some understanding of it..,

There’s still that pain,
Which I carry with me,
And which inhibits continually,
My inner capability,

Resulting from,
Those who impinged,
My development,

Resulting from those,
Who Interrupted,
Became irritated,
Intolerant,
And corrupted,

And if I try,
To afflict vengeance,
I’d be the one who receives the sadistic punishment..,
While those who got by with what they did,
continue to..,
Take off with their successful careers,
Vacations..,
And,
Friends,
With whom they share deep connections,

And their insatiable collective egos may still get a high,
By,
Shit-talking,
Interrupting other learning challenged folk’s attention spans from developing,

Egos will take off,
Continue experiencing life beautifully,
While other egos are here,

Being held back by obsessive insecurity,
Fear of collective cancel culture,
And those who torture one and however many other(s)

Grow and Maintain

In my beliefs,
Even if we sometimes,
To varying individual degrees,
Don’t understand,
rhymes,

I guess,
The similar sounding energetic flow,
May possibly help,
At least some of us(s),
(If not many or all of us),

Feel,
The type of intent,
Even if we can’t put the feelings,
Or a deep,
True meaning,
The rhymes might be profoundly conveying(?),
Into words,
(To whatever degree),

And hopefully,
Especially,
the rhymes become,
And remain,
(As for ones that are),
Among all types of creativity,

WELL INTENTIONED,

As for unworded energy,
Even if we don’t read,
Remember,
Realize,
And/or presently know,
The same preventative measures of unconsciousness,
That may lead to evil action,

Hopefully enough discover,
And/or,
Sustain,
Excessive,
Confusion increasing,
Damaging,
Pain,

May peace grow and maintain

And That

As always,
In my beliefs,

Whether we’re spiritually separate or not,
My ego,
Instead of healing,
It’s unconscious developed inner roots of insecurity,
It instead seeks,
To create an “identity”,
Even if it’s in the form of a “victim mentality”,
Such as clinging to its sad story..
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), page 87),

Such as talking about how the “Bubblegum club” members cruelly excluded me,
while I was in third grade,
at the YMCA,
I saw the leader twice,
And he still glared at me,

Among plenty other instances I can remember,
Of unconscious,
insecure judgmental energy others gave me,
Which manifested,
in irrationality such as brutal power tripping unconscious behavior that I would guess resulted from their own trauma..,
?

Okay so..,
This might be a non-sequitur?
Yet not letting go,
I guess is the control,
Of my unconscious selfish ego?

And what I’m guessing,
my ego is presently doing,
Is wanting,
To try to cling to writing to sound “insightful”,
Even if the writing talks about “giving up the ego”,

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Many Faces of Ego”,YouTube, (2021) https://youtu.be/6StRwsSBubw)

Including trying to seem “profound”,
By admitting what I just described,
What I believe my ego is presently doing,
Etc, etc..,
To of course,
Take my attention away from my present appreciation,
Since it’s insatiable expectations,
Continually,
Narrow my attention,
And ability,
To accept,
whatever I pass through presently,

I guess,
In other words,
As of now,
My ego wants to put into words,
The clearest understanding of infinitely infinite true nature,
That words have ever described up to this point,
In order to feed it’s sense of identity (aka: sense of separateness (regardless if we’re separate or interconnected)),
And yes..
Regardless of the extent of how “egoic”,
“egoless” or even possibly equanimous(?) my awareness was when just writing that,
My ego,
Of course,
Still is now trying to cling to that,
And that (what I just admitted),
And that,

And that

Recurring Words

It frightens me,
When I ASSUME,
I’m surrounded by others,

Such as..,
(Without judgment),
..,
Anyone who feels I “owe them the world”,
Yet,
Who never lived in MY world,
While inevitably,
sharing and being part of the same world,

My ego believes it has compassion for why people do what they do,
But when my ego perceives the way it does,
It doesn’t know what actions will come out,
When it gets,
Upset,
paranoid,
And whatever words I’m not allowed to say,
Or whatever I ASSUME anyone else,
May..,
TAKE OUT OF CONTEXT THE WRONG WAY,

My EGO,
Does get annoyed,
When it assumes,
That other egos assume,
That what I assume is painful to me,
Is pain of the “smallest degree”,
Or “ain’t shit”,

Yet how can you know?
Because you weren’t inside of me,
Just please,
Consider how you affect me,
Especially if you have power over me,

To me,
Presently,
It doesn’t matter “IQ” or “EQ” scores TO, INSTINCTIVELY afflict horrific pain,
Unconsciously,

I don’t know if and when you’ll “know”?
Or whatever the context..,
?

I’ll try again to not overuse the words,
“Present” and “unconscious”,
Yet,
Speaking MOMENTARILY,
The feelings,
In me,
Seem to be coming back to those words

Imagination

If I don’t have empathy,
I’ll feel alone and isolated,
I therefore won’t feel meaningfully included and connected,

If anyone with any level of power over me,
can’t empathize,
I’d guess..,
They won’t order AS clearly,
Nor as deeply understand,
what’s best for THEM,
Me,
And everyone they encounter as time passes presently,
And they may make,
my ability to learn less clear,
by reprimanding me severely..?
Repeatedly!!?

I can imagine..,
Someone saying..,
“Why do you ALWAYS talk about being present when you’re so damn anxious and out of control!!?”,

And they’ll then feel a need to “humble me”,
And because I’ll be lost in anxious,
obsessive,
unclear thinking,
My anxious confusion,
May deepen into paranoid delusion?

Don’t know??
As of now it’s okay if you don’t either,
I just hope we,
Stay aware of how we affect each other,

Once again..,
It’s the same..
Am I in isolation,
Amongst a crowd of seemingly positive(?) social connection,
Or doing a reality check regarding a feeling of apprehension,
And trying to safely figure out,
What degree is this my imagination?

Gaslighting

In my present assumptions..,

Even though some may talk a lot of truth,
Many people’s actions may be unconscious and out of alignment,
And any of us may be a victim of those actions of others,
?

Among those I must watch out for,
Are ALSO those who deeply warn me of manipulation,
To manipulate me,
..
Those who appear to “understand” me,
Those who say they “feel” me,
(Or whatever is most PC (politically correct.. yes I still have OCD..)),
Those who appear to “empathize” with me,
Yet,
To me,
It’s not them who can “save me”,
It’s up to me,
To find and keep the strength,
Growing,
Inwardly,

..

Even if it’s true to an extent,
Those who gaslight,
May tell me,
That I’ve been “gaslighted”,
Possibly that my “experiences have manipulated me”,
Unconsciously implying that they have the,
“Better alternative”,
To make me want to submit to their authority,
..,
Because it’ll unconsciously please their egos,
To have power over me,

And even though the gaslighting may preach it,
Among everything I’m saying,
Or more,
It,
Will not regard that it’s own ego is unconsciously controlling it,

The gas-lit energy may be able to tell and advise me,
About my own “flaws”,
Yet it’s own flaws,
Unconsciously control it,
And it can’t understand itself,
It’s just unconsciously gas lit..,

Instead of helping me sustain awareness,
To further let go of my past to appreciate more of life as it happens in the present,
Unconsciousness will make me feel even more bad,
As it gaslights me by saying to me,
“Do you really think your autism has given you more adversity? Because it seems you have an unjustified victim mentality..? So it seems you must stop looking to blame others and take some DAMN RESPONSIBILITY!!!?”,
Which may also be true?
Yet,
Instead of helping me access and develop the strength in me,
It’ll continually solidify me in deeper unconscious misery..,
Because it doesn’t know what’s best for me,
Because it’s just gas-lit energy,

The gaslighting,
Speaks truth,
Infinitely elaborates on the truths of egolessness to boost its own ego,
The gaslighting insatiably seeks recognition,
Instead of embodying it’s own realization(s),
By unconsciously NOT healing it’s roots of the insatiable insecure unconscious gaslighting within,
It can’t see how it causes fire,
Because that’s all it is..,
The cause of the fire..,

???

To it’s unconsciousness,
My consciousness,
Is “unconscious”,

To it’s unconsciousness,
My consciousness,
Is “delusional”,

The gaslighting,
At different extents in different moments,
May understand consciousness,
Yet is unconscious of the level it’s being controlled by unconsciousness,
The gaslighting may sarcastically ask me,
“Oh you think you have all the answers? Who is your teacher?”

Although it may deny any of this,
It’s unconsciousness won’t understand why I don’t have the same drive to make the same amount of money,
..?
It’s unconsciousness may not understand why I get the level of anxiety I do (because it (either forgot or..) wasn’t bullied as severely and/or wasn’t as damaged as severely, since it maybe wasn’t as innately sensitive,
reactive,
and since it didn’t have the same level of learning struggles making it an easy target)..,

Or maybe it did?

Yet got lucky to be in a more supportive environment?
And/or maybe it didn’t get internally derailed as easily,
Wasn’t as susceptible to instantly destructively blocking out the amount of inner pain it carried since it carried less I would guess..?
Therefore its environment,
Didn’t develop it as severely..?
Yes!!?

Possibly..,
It’s unconsciousness took over the conscious awareness that helped it reach the top,
Once it became on top,

It’s unconscious desires seized it’s awareness,
And turned a once conscious being into gaslighting,
?

It’s unconsciousness took over,
When it was easiest to access the most power,
Because it’s unconsciousness knew that this,
Was it’s moment to shine,
That this opportunity of control was it’s prime,

In essence,
It’s unconsciousness will NOT understand my unusually low confidence,
It’s unconsciousness may think it’s “just my biological misfortunes”,
Instead of recognizing that unconscious cultural dysfunction perpetuates while claiming to be omniscient,

My guess is that..,
It just doesn’t get it,
As the unconscious forces solidify it,
In its position of power it unconsciously infinitely fills with unconscious judgment??

As hard as it tried,
Still..,
It’s never aware of the awareness states it may discuss and so on and so on,

It can’t realize,
When it doesn’t do what it may preach about,
Because,
It unconsciously..,
Sold out,

Once it’s physical form,
Obtained enough power,
That’s when..,
The unconscious forces took over,

It’s unconscious judgment,
Judges me as a bad person,
Who made bad decisions,
Who “deserves” punishment,
Because,
The sadistic,
unconscious forces,
Insatiably feed off of assuring to their egos,
That they have external dominance,

Hence,
All gaslighting,
Can’t truly awaken the,
victims/unconscious perpetual perpetrators,
Or anyone,
Unless they step out of the unconsciousness that controls them,

Any of us (hence including myself) may become a dangerous gaslighting perpetuator..,

In my belief..,
Under all unconscious developed evil action,
Is.. or at some moment(s) before,
Is a suffering human..,
Yet..
We have our body and our rights,
So we handle the best we can handle,
And hopefully accountability,
Will remain peaceful and civil..,

Yet..
The unconscious,
gaslighting forces that remain in control,
May cause us to go online and “troll”,
Or do whatever,
And hopefully..,
The water puts out all the gas,
And all causes of fire