Behind Closed Doors

I presently feel that:

My emotional hyper-reactive reaction(s) to what others did to me behind closed doors is what’s uncontrollably publicly displayed,
..,
The pain just builds,
Erupts,
Then builds and erupts again and again,
..,
Ohh how I thought they would be the group of friends they said they’d be,
I thought they’d be the first group that I’d deeply connect with,
And I thought the emotional chemical connection would give me light in my darkest of times to come,
Yet,
I realized it was NOT what I initially saw it to be,
And what they done to me,
Is now eradicated,
Undocumented history,

To figuratively/literally continue:

All the proof got burned and was said to have “never happened”,
..,
Ohh they had us turn off our phones and “pay attention”,
..,
It’s now too late to report it,
And at the time I was too frightened to speak up about it,
I just was NOT as confident,
..,
And if I tried to advocate,
They would’ve judged me as a “snitch”,
And tortured me as a witch,
And my ashes would’ve went back to the life energy they came from,
While they would have pursued their careers,
Took their medication and chugged their beers,

Okay and to slightly change the subject(?) I’ll add that:

It’s just that I feel that,
What they AND so many OTHERS did,
Had a different effect on me,
..,
And I can NOT relate any more to those autistically labeled “like me”,
Hence,
How will there be any deeper connection with those who ALSO struggle with social connection!!?
..,
And I tried that,
..,
I been there and ALSO tried that,

Yet,
Too many will just,
NOT listen,

For whatever of their personal valid reasons,
They will not listen,

And I feel,
I just have to find peace with the fact that,
I tried so much of it,
And,
So many,
Will NEVER empathetically understand it..,

They’ll assume the mainstream stereotype that I was born with “zero empathy”,
As they go on without me,
..,
Huhhh,
Ahhhh,

(Personal side note: I just can NOT perfectly capture my inhalations, exhalations NOR whichever natural/body sensations NOR word them “precisely”),

I just,
Feel I just..,
Tried,
So much of it,
And so many others,
Will perpetually NOT believe me,

And so many out of touch unconscious egos,
Just will pass,
Endless convenient judgment,

They’ll force control over me,
And have me keep my mouth shut,
As it so often has been,
Throughout my history,

So I’ll once again,
Have to try inwardly clearing that past inner pain of being a victim,
I’ll have to just accept,
That I can NOT change the system,
That’s been passed down to me,

That started,
Evolved,
Devolved and got corrupted,

Huhh..,
I just feel all I can find,
Is the inner roots,
To finding more peace,
While I let be,
All I can not change,
That surrounds me

Not Perfect Either

No..,
I do NOT mean to disregard the suffering of others,
Yet I want my experiences to also be regarded,
I also want to feel heard,

Even though I often feel powerless and misunderstood,
I just wish people could listen to why I feel I struggle the way I do,

And even if I do NOT “perfectly” explain myself word for word,
Well,
I still want to feel more compassionately heard,

I wish people could just listen,
To kindly realize and remember,
That even though my words and actions may be COMPLETELY opposite of my true beliefs,
There are infinite reasons why that could all be explained infinitely clearer,
(For example),

I just wish I felt most others could realize and remember that I’m also NOT perfect,

And I’ll add that I feel that,
Of course,
Being “perfect”,
Is infinite,

So may the culture NOT cancel me,
May others NOT come torture NOR kill me,
..,
I’m not perfect either,

I ask for empathy

Terms of Exclusion

I feel a part of me presently believes that:

Since I have been cognitively/emotionally “hypersensitive-ly” predisposed a certain way,
Since culture evolved a certain way,
Since people being mean to me easily effects what I do and say,
Well,
If I’m constantly hearing others say words I’m not allowed to say,
If these words I’m “NOT allowed to say” are CONSTANTLY said in music and various forms of expression,
I just can NOT promise that those same cruel words/terms of endearment will never slip out of my mouth,

I’m also a human,
With emotions,
Who wants to be kindly included,

And well,
If people just keep being mean to me,
If people just keep doing and saying stuff I’m “not allowed” to do or say,
I just can NOT promise I’ll successfully stay kind forever,

I’m NOT perfect either,

..,

And since getting bullied has damaged my confidence,
Since it has exacerbated my predisposed anxiety,
I may lack confidence in my ability to heal the emotional pain that builds in me,
So if others keep being mean,
I can NOT promise that the pain will NEVER explode out of me,

..,

My environment,
Which includes other sentient humans who surround me,
Have an unconscious conditioning psychological effect on me,

And like I said,
Due to being predisposed with inner emotional hyperreactivity,
People throwing emotional punches at me,
Has made remaining civil and peaceful,
NOT often easy,

And since being conscious of how I’ve developed unconsciously does not come easy,
Well,
The unconscious conditioning forces that affect my inner awareness just may affect my actions,

So if I do and say anything that however deeply offends anyone,
I’ll just say,
That deeply offensive energy,
Is deeply entrenched and deeply surrounds my environment(s) that I struggle to avoid,

I (of course) feel we’re all morally accountable,
Yet,
It just has not been easy for me,
Staying safe from,
NOR becoming a part of,
The mean and painful void,

And well,
Since I see and react “differently”,
Since I struggle socially,
I struggle to NOT become too literally NOR cognitively isolated in my own head,
So,
Since I do NOT dangerously lose myself in my mind,
Well,
As for awareness,
As for developing more inner peacefulness to also emanate externally,
Well,
I just feel I must remind myself,

To be aware,
Of my present awareness,
So I do NOT get dangerously delusionally lost..,

And yet,
In more social isolation,
With more feelings of exclusion,
It’s felt hard to not spiral into more delusion,
While lacking needed social connection,

Yet as I always feel I must consistently remind myself,
I’ll just once again,
Notice my natural inhale and exhalations,
While the pain feeding negativity,
Gradually dissipates within me

Listening

I feel that:

Seeing stuff differently than most,
Can make me more vulnerable to being socially disconnected,
And getting dangerously lost in my head,

I feel,
Insensitive dismissals of my predisposed struggles with emotional dysregulation can make me more emotionally dysregulated,
..,
I want to deeply socially connect,
While it seems MANY others feel a need to dismiss and reject,

I want to be understood,
While I feel many want to play around with my emotional chemicals,
..,

Some may constantly bust my balls,
Some may recommend I take this or that,
That I try that and that,
..,
And when I reach out to them for my social connection health,
I do NOT hear back,
Unless it’s brief patronizing advice,

Although I may agree with them depending on the context,
Many may give a simplistic suggestion..,
Such as,
“You gotta let go of the past”,
And/or “take your medication”,
..,

It’s just,
I wish they’d truly listen,

And many who do NOT for however valid of a personal reason,
Leave me more emotionally,
Cognitively and/or however internally vulnerable to spirling into social/emotional/mental disconnection,
Possibly resulting in complete delusion,
And being under MORE control of the unconsciously sadistic and powerful,

(Source: Jennifer Kanary Nikolova, “Beyond Diagnosis — Understanding Psychosis” May 12th, 2020, Labyrinth Psychotica, https://medium.com/beyond-diagnosis-the-anoiksis-chronicles/beyond-diagnosis-making-sense-of-psychosis-e32a6aeae308),

So UNLESS I find some viable practice/support,
Of REDUCING the likelihood of getting lost in my passing inner emotional intensity,
..,
If I can learn naturally how to NOT have my emotional dysregulation spiral me into delusion,
INCLUDING in isolation,
..,
Then I’ll be more equipped to survive and function,

I feel,
True power is within me,
NOT in any pill,
NOT in any power seeking external entity,
(For example),

I feel,
Needed survival inner peaceful awareness,
Can most deeply be found,
Within me,

And although I always feel there’s a degree of uncertainty,
I hope for that awareness,
To protect me,
Even if too many do NOT understand my unique condition,
That’s been uniquely shaped by my unique environment and/or unique lived experiences,
That has given me unique excessive emotional struggles (for example),

Yet regardless of our labels,
Such as whether we’re on a different “spectrum”,
Or whether we’re labeled as “neurotypical”,
Well,
I’d say we ALL have struggles,
And to get through this together,
We must sufficiently remember,

To deeply,
Compassionately,

LISTEN,

To each other

NOT getting the Message

Yes,
I feel this also applies to myself,
And yes,
I additionally feel that:

Similar to my surroundings/inner/self-awareness message(s) in my last post titled “Time and Place”,
I felt I’ll just share some more,
About CLEARLY implied messages that just to me seem often missed,

So,
If I do NOT equally reply to messages someone sends me,
If I do NOT make it sufficiently clear I’m reading their messages,
It does NOT mean for the person to keep sending me messages,

If I say I struggle with words,
It does NOT mean to interpret what I say,
“Word for word”,

If I express a feeling in writing WITHOUT saying names,
It does NOT mean to take it personally then instantly direct anger towards me!

If I say,
“I’ve been struggling emotionally”,
It does NOT mean I feel aggressive criticism will “help” me,

If I say,
“I wish people would empathetically acknowledge what I have to say instead of just giving advice”,
It does NOT mean I’m “asking for advice”,

If I want someone to be a true friend and hear what I feel a need to be heard,
It does NOT mean to impatiently say,
“I’m not your therapist!”,

Yes,
I do NOT intend to be mean,
Yet these kinds of unawareness I feel to keep encountering..,

If I say to someone,
“I’ve been struggling to help myself”,
It does NOT mean I presently want to do that person a favor,

If someone offers me something and I do NOT appear comfortable with it,
Maybe,
Just maybe(?),
The person should kindly STOP offering it to me,
..,
Yet maybe their egos will one day make me “repay” them for the “favors” they pressured me to take?

Huhh..,

I sometimes do NOT know who to trust NOR what to think..?

???

Yes,
Finding peace among all this oblivious energy,
Remains a struggle for me,

And if some type of “self-improvement” teaching has NOT been working,
It does NOT always mean that I “need more of it”,

If I do NOT like how something is making me feel,
It does NOT always mean I must “always keep taking it”..,

Huhh..,
I can just keep going on and on with this,
And yes,
I’d guess..,
This infinite obliviousness may infinitely come in the same and new forms,

?

Yet of course,
Some people just never seem to understand it,
And I can NOT force an awareness practice,
And there’s NO guarantee what works for me will work for them,
And instead of getting immensely frustrated,
Why NOT just relax and go with what I can NOT avoid NOR change ?

And of course like I first said,
This applies to me,
And I just feel to be an inseparable part of the same spontaneous life energy,
However oblivious and/or deeply aware I might be..?
However organized and/or disorganized stuff might be,

I guess it’s just manifesting energy ?

Time and Place

I feel that may we remember to be AWARE that there is a time and place for everything,
..,

As for me,
If I’m going to a social function,
I’m NOT going to want to receive advice on how to live my life,

If I’m at the gym,
I’m NOT going to want to listen to someone’s life story,
Same goes for when in the library (unless reading an autobiography (for example)),

If I’m trying to stay focused at work,
I’m not going to want to talk philosophy,

If I say I wish people could be more positive,
It does NOT mean I want to keep hearing pointless complaining,

If I’m among people who are supposed to remain quiet,
I’m not going to want someone whispering me their business,

If I say I have a BAD headache,
It does NOT mean that I want to hear someone keep cracking jokes,

Essentially,
I feel that many people,
Forget and/or are completely UNaware that there is a TIME and a PLACE for everything,

Yet the MORE we’re lost in our minds,
The LESS aware we’ll be of our surroundings,
And I feel I’m just often surrounded by many people who are out of touch with their surroundings,
And sometimes (if not often) their unawareness gets passed on to me,

..,

Yes,
If I’m sitting by myself while heavily focused writing something on my IPhone,
It does NOT mean I want someone coming up to me,
In order to give me all this advice that I NEVER asked for,
NOR is the time and place for,

And yes,
I do NOT intend to be mean,
Yet what I’m trying to say,
Is that there’s a TIME and PLACE for everything,
And since many are NOT seemingly aware of that,
Well,
Since I can NOT “pave the world leather”,
Well..,

I’ll once again,
Try finding peace with that

Open Energy

I guess(?) I’m starting to feel:

I just gotta match the energy,

If I listen to others,
And help them feel less alone,
They’ll more likely want to be around me,

If I impatiently give advice,
They’ll more likely think I’m self-absorbed and NOT nice,

If I understand and acknowledge where their energy is coming from that is deeper than words,
I’m more likely to deeply meaningfully socially connect with them that is deeper than words,

..,

And may this deeper connection energy,
Be welcome to everybody,
Regardless of race, gender, sexuality,

Regardless of cognitive ability,

May this deep connecting inner healing energy,
Be open,
To anybody

Energy over Words

I feel that:
People,
Respond more to my energy than my words,
..,
Hence,
I can say the dumbest shit,
Yet if I’m peaceful,
The social energy will remain and/or become more peaceful,

Of course,
I prefer peaceful critical thinking,
That expands our awareness beyond mere words and symbols (for example),

Yet may this be another reminder,
In order,
To remember our roots of our being,
That are deeper than just thinking

(Source: True Meaning, “Alan Watts – Don’t Think Too Much”, October 14th, 2021, YouTube, https://youtu.be/WfVJUKlbWVw)

As it Is

I feel:

I treat others nicely,
Yet (for example) too many respond with impatience,
Anger,
And ZERO social invites,
..,
That (I guess(?)) results from their,
Built up unprocessed trauma that gave them unconscious insecurity..?

Yet..,
Without getting lost in excessive analysis,
I’ll just continue with this:

I treat others the way I wish they’d treat me,
Such as with fairness,
Kindness and peacefulness,
..,
Yet they just wish to keep impulsively overpowering me,

And well,
As I believe..,
It’s the culture that unconsciously evolved over time:
Survival of the cruelest,

I just feel I must keep remembering to keep doing what I see fit,
To NOT psychologically NOR however “lose it”,
Because too many others will just pass individual and/or institutional judgment,
..,
I just can NOT count on most being compassionate,
And instead of inner resistance emotionally derailing me,
Well..,
Peaceful acceptance is what I HOPE to continually successfully practice..,

And even if many others understand what it means to be kind and compassionate,
Well,
To be real about it..,
They may also understand that too often their ego dominates their awareness and they just are NOT compassionate..,
Regardless..,
I feel,
There’s just NOT sufficient kindness NOR peacefulness in a culture of “survival of the ‘fittest’”,

Yeah I know..,
It’s NOT “let’s work together”,
..,
Whatever..,

Yet,
I treat others the way I wish they’d treat me,
And many others still keep on trying to make me feel inferior so their insatiable egos can feel “superior”,
Like I said..,
It’s the culture..,

When others ask me for a favor I get it done,
Like the people who I bought lunch for,
Did this and that for,
Yet they still just responded with insults,
Exclusion,
And endless forms of straight up hurtful judgment,

I just kept being kind to them while they responded with emotional egoic cruelty,
And yep,
That’s the cultural mentality,

So evidently,
I presently feel,
I’m NOT receiving the KIND energy I put out,

..,

Too often,
When I treat others how I want to be treated,
I just get mistreated,

It’s the culture..,
And..,
Why get more upset about what I can NOT change..?

..,

Too often,
Since I feel they’re hard to find,
I give up on finding those who will be nice to me,
And sometimes,
I feel stuck with those who are toxic for me,

I feel,
It IS presently just..,
The dominant mentality..,

Yep..,
It’s just the present mainstream mentality..,

TOO often,
I just let them treat me the way they do,
Because as for being powerless,
Alone and by myself,
What can I really do ?

I firmly believe one person can NOT significantly change the way stuff presently is,
So why not go back to a practice,
Of finding LESS inner painful resistance and MORE peaceful acceptance of what WE can NOT instantly significantly change ?

And yeah..,
What power do any of us by ourselves or in a small like-minded group REALLY have,
Over the dominant egoic meanness,
?

So yes,
I guess..,
Once again,
The best I can do to feel better,
Is find peace within,
Since I feel I can NOT change the POWERFUL EXTERNAL,

No matter how nasty the culture is that I’m presently stuck in,
..,
I can just keep trying to practice whatever it is I believe in,
That’ll guarantee an increased likelihood,
Of at least some inner peace increase,

??

Such as,
By first noticing my natural inhale and exhalations,
My chest expanding and contracting..,
And peacefully noticing any levels of mean energy passing,
Whether it’s presently manifesting and/or another memory of getting bullied..,
?
I feel I must just notice it and not add more inner stress because of it,

Whatever type of toxic energy it is,
Of course,
I feel I just must peacefully witness..,
WITHOUT emotionally losing my awareness in the toxic energy,
And INSTEAD finding and sustaining more and more peace to help emotionally balance me,

And I guess the more deeply I practice this,
The more I can clearly describe a viable step by step process,
Yet,
As for experiencing and/or describing it,
I feel it’s just infinite,

I feel there’s just always a better way to put it,

And well,
Instead of taking myself out,
..,
I’ll just ride my life out,
And letting the life energy wave,
Or current,
Or whatever is the “best” figure of speech to describe it..,
take me,

I’ll just let the current of life energy take me,
While NOT trying to escape what I can NOT,
NOR adding bad negative inner and external complaining/resisting energy to what I can NOT change,
And just keep trying to accept it,

As it is,

Step by step,
Moment by moment,
Attempt by attempt,

While (hopefully) sufficiently reminding myself,
That I’m here,
Right now,
And it’s alright

Infinite Staircase

I guess there’s always another step on the infinite staircase..?
With infinitely more weight to carry,
Infinitely more emotions to process,
Infinitely more encounters to inwardly and externally prepare for,

I feel,
I can NOT “know” all of it,
And I feel,
It’s all infinite,

There’s always what I did and did NOT do,
Always another criticism,
Always what’s false and true,

There’s always something to watch out for,
Whether new and/or the same as before,

Always another present moment,
And always a step by step process,
Of finding peace within it,

And of course,
I must peacefully admit,
The staircase,
Is just infinite

?