I believe in a NON-quitting spirit,
Yet for whose self-interests am I applying that NON-quitting spirit for..?

Welp,
I wonder how else me expressing my remaining freedom of speech “killed the vibe”?

And regardless,
May we not quit,
On finding and/or rediscovering,
At least some healthy inner peace inside,

Among,
Whatever else,
Just may,
Continue to come

?

I feel that:

There’s a lot of stuff I feel blamed for,
That happened LONG BEFORE I was born,

There’s a lot of stuff,
STILL HAPPENING,
That I feel blamed for,
Even though I am NOT the one causing the suffering,

There’s a lot of groups I feel excluded from,
There’s a lot of stuff I’m just “not allowed to say”,
Including a lot that is said,
Right in front of my face,

Day by day,
I wonder,
Who else just wants to talk additional shit and put me away..?

Welp,
What freedom of speech do I really have to this day..?

It may be so much easier,
To try to communicate truth I see behind an IPhone keyboard,
Instead of in front of even the smallest “executive” board,
Instead of in front of whoever,
With more power,

Well,
Given my autism,
Given my lack of external authority,
Given how the mainstream may be ready to take out of context,
What the next person who looks like me,
Does and says,
To get convenient coverage,

Well..,
I guess there’s always something else those who look and sound like me,
Are just “not allowed” to say,
Are just “not allowed” to stand for..,

Now I know,
All groups have their good ones,
Yet as for certain “different” ones,
Who I thought were friends,
Well,
There’s a lot of emotions I still feel to inevitably arise,
Which I may try to express,
Yet,
Because of how I look,
Because of how I sound,
Because of how I’ve been diagnosed,

Just..,
Who will really listen!!?

Now I know some appear to,
But that has felt to remain only a few,
And well,
The bullies will always have some other “justification”,
As for why they do what they do,

Welp,
I guess,
Remaining focused on my inhale,
exhalations,
And whatever “inner sensations”,
Is sometimes all I feel I can do

?

Is the pain helping me along a path to feel more free and well..?
Or is it frightening me back into my shell..?

Sure,
There just may be those with all their credentials and “experience” who think they “know me well”,

Yet I feel I know myself more,

Yet other egos may tell me that a certain type of pain they inflict is “helping” me become “stronger”,
So their egos can feel power for even longer,

And yes (I feel that) pain at certain times may help me grow,
Yet as for the type of pain I “need”,
What do other narcissistic sadistic toxic forces really “know”?

Well,
I additionally feel that for example:
Just as I may have all these passing assumptions,
Based on what I see people post,
Similar types of assumptions may just be,
In whatever ways to whatever degrees,
However individually or collectively,
Compassionately or tribalistically,
Also directed at me..(?),

Such as,
My physical appearance,
Facilitating all these assumptions others may have,
That tell nothing about having experiences with “Asperger’s Syndrome” while ALSO different than those (allegedly) on the same part of the “autism spectrum”,
That tell nothing about feeling as an easier target of quite a lot,
That tell nothing about what’s really going on within,
However relatable or not..,

So..,
As for what I really feel comfortable posting,
I just..,
Do NOT know..(?),

And even if I may risk deeply regretting it..,
Sometimes,
I’d still rather try than remain in my shell while perpetually too scared of it,
..,
What’s the bigger regret..?
Failing or NOT trying..?
I guess it depends..(?),
Including how we may feel to see and have experienced it..?

Yet maybe,
I can learn to become more comfortable,
With the discomfort of putting myself out there,
As I go,
?

And I feel I must try,
Even if for however better or worse,
The outcomes,
I will just,
Never precisely know,

So as for what’s really going on,
In addition to however much the posts may “show”..,
Well..,
What can we really “know”?

Not sure we’ll ever completely know,

I don’t know..?

Person #1: We tried everything and nothing seems to be working.
Specialist: Hmm..
Person #1: He just won’t calm down.
Specialist: What about—
Person #2: He’s been on so many types of—
Person #1: Let him finish.
Person #2: Well what about—
Specialist: Let me finish. If there’s nothing else we can do, we’ll have no choice but to give him even more of what he’s been taking so he does not cause any harm to himself or others. I just don’t see any better available options at this point.

Person #1: Okay.
Person #2: He’s suggested trying a meditation support group.
Person #1: And when we allowed that we had to go rescue him from that narcissistic cult leader remember!?
Person #2: We just found the wrong one.
Person #1: Well we’re not taking any more chances!
Person #2: Well if we’d at least somewhat join him in certain efforts to better himself then maybe he’d more likely function with more inner peace and emotional stability..?
Person #1: Trying to help him has been so much harder on us!! We’re empathetically fatigued! We’ve put up with so much!
Specialist: When someone is mentally ill it’s usually harder on the family. Families do need a break.

Person #2: And don’t try to fix him if you’re only doing it to make him feel he owes you!
Person #1: No! We’re trying to help because we care! Yet because of how hard it’s felt, we just need him to calm down in the quickest way possible since we just seriously can’t keep doing this! We just can’t!!
Person #2: What if joining him more often in certain stuff that he finds helpful will ALSO help us relieve stress..? Therefore helping him feel less alone in his efforts, will be providing us more of some collective mutual benefit..? Hence, we’ll all be connecting through some NON drug-induced inner stress reduction practice..?
Person #1: NO!! He’s NOT well!! We must NEVER consider anything he says!

Person #2: But he’ll get even more stigma with another label and more meds that will just make it worse.
Person #1: My meds have been great for me!
Person #2: You’re a different person! It’s not like people react the same to every medication! He’s different! And NO label can perfectly describe him!
Specialist: I’m thinking we should just stick with what we’ve been doing at this point.
Person #1: Yeah I agree! And who’s the specialist!? You or him!?

Person #2: You don’t listen. You say to have acceptance and tolerance for different points of view. Yet you don’t see how much of a hypocrite you really are.
Person #1: But I did try to have tolerance and understanding for him yet it has NOT helped! He’s not well! It’s a different context!
Person #2: No, you have very little consideration for trying other stuff that goes against your mainstream world views. When it didn’t work one time, you instantly ruled it out! You don’t see how quickly dismissive and controlling you really are!
Specialist: I think it is now time to settle down here!
Person #1: Yeah shut your mouth.
Person #2: Huhhhh.

Person #1: Yo dude just stop with this New Age shit.. Like for real.
Person #2: What I’m saying is that solid and space, and the internal and external are inseparable.
Person #1: And what I’m saying is that you’re manic and need help.
Person #2: Bruh I’m not trying to be “New Age” it’s just some thoughts..
Person #1: Every time you get like this you don’t sleep for several nights and then you start acting as if everyone must follow “your way”.
Person #2: Oh that’s a huge exaggeration..
Person #1: You get my point! Red flags must NOT go unchecked!
Person #2: Okay man so how are the Mets doing..?
Person #1: Good one…

Person #2: Look dude I was worse coming off this medication before going on it.
Person #1: So we’ll try another medication.
Person #2: We did.
Person #1: We’ll give you more and you won’t come off it this time.
Person #2: How about we try meditating..?
Person #1: I’m not Buddhist.
Person #2: You don’t have to be anything..
Person #1: Yes you do.
Person #2: Oh so now you know “everything”.
Person #1: I know what’s best for you.
Person #2: Sure..

Person #1: I’m done listening.
Person #2: You never listen to begin with.
Person #1: When I know you’re going to start rambling about something stupid and irrelevant I don’t waste my energy trying to figure out what you’re struggling to communicate.
Person #2: All you do is criticize.
Person #1: I tell you what you need to hear.
Person #2: No, you try to make me feel bad because you’re feeling bad. You exude negativity that you don’t feel you can heal within yourself.
Person #1: And there you go again, feeling you’re more “enlightened” than everyone else..
Person #2: And there you go again with the criticism while offering nothing of true benefit aside from pointing out the negatives.
Person #1: Shut your mouth.
Person #2: Fuck you.

I feel that,
No matter how good most of us are,
At hiding our anger,
(And/or whatever nefarious intention(s)..),
Well..,

Some may more often fail to control it,
And crush their reputation in public,

While others,
Have developed,
The self-control,
To keep on hiding it,
And will then,
Unleash it,
Once the made it,

Whether once they get a big enough supportive following,
To get that promotion,
To try winning that election..,

Huhhh..,

Shit,
Since I feel I just can NOT instantly change it,
Well,
Once again,
I guess I’ll try to focus,
On my inhale and exhale,

Ahhhhhhhhhh

I feel that:

These thoughts are overloading,
..,
My emotions come out at the wrong times,
Many others can hide and exude them behind closed doors and publicly once they made it..,
It’s like life is a game where many use their self-control for selfish evil..,

I want to analyze this,
I feel I’ll be “complete” one I share “that”,
And then there’s that,
And that,
That, that and that..,

Huhhh..,
These thoughts and emotions..,
Just,
Keep on passing,

Huhhhhhhhh

I feel that:

I keep feeling outsmarted by all these people with heads no more than half the size of mine,

It’s like they have all the cognitive essentials neatly condensed in this nice little package,
While my brain matter remains as a waste of space,
With connections that take too long to reach each other and keep up with how it’s “supposed to be”..,

And well..,
As for when I was very young,
Since my brain kept “growing” to try to “correct” itself..,
It grew into a waste of space,

I may have the same “capability”,
Yet it hilariously takes me longer to understand,

So if I have nothing essential too offer in the essential workforce,
Maybe I can still provide a good laugh,
Even when I’m trying to be serious..,

Yep..,
In some way,
I’m still here,
Still trying,
Among the various causes and effects,
Still occurring

Maybe I’m told to be “myself”,
So I’ll try writing openly,
And then I’ll be aggressively asked “are you referring to me!?”,
Or someone will negatively take something personally..,

And then I’ll explain myself,
And (for example) will be told,
“You don’t gotta explain yourself to me”,
And then my beta anxiety will make me feel another need to waste more energy elaborately apologizing and/or explaining myself to have some other dickhead “like” me..,

What else did I “screw” up..?

Huhhhhhhhhh