Free me

I just..

Don’t know what’s the best way to proceed down ?
As for finding the words to describe this I don’t know..?

I think I know,
But feel too uncertain,
No matter which way I choose to..
Yes I know you know I was going to end that with “GO”..

No shit..

Huhh,

I want to fit in with those around me,
But like..

WHAT’S THE BEST FOR ME??

If most aren’t “enlightened” enough of the time..
Do I risk trying to better or further “enlighten” myself..
by myself?

Can I succeed at “what’s best for me”,
While being..
“Alone in my efforts”?
Assuming I won’t ever find a helpful trustworthy “like-minded” community..,

?

I wish someone could just..

Make it clear for me,
So I could just do what..
Will preferably free me from all this damn unconsciously built-up insecurity,

Or free me of enough “unconsciousness”,

Essentially ?

Continuing On

Although they say you “learn from pain”..
Well,
Especially since I have learning “disabilities”,
And emotional hypersensitivity,
That’s been exacerbated as I mentioned (or implied) in posts repeatedly..,
I must watch out for types of pain that makes my functioning worse,

Such as making sure I stay away from people who are toxic for me,
Such as avoiding those who criticize (without showing me ways of improving) constantly,
Therefore merely adding more UNHELPFUL yet HARMFUL pain in me,
Therefore further damaging me,
Making self-improvement less and less easy..,
..
Instead of helping me or joining me,
In my efforts to try to ongoingly attain inner awareness discovery,
For improvement at whatever I’m committed to improve to make the present moment in which my life happens more worthwhile and therefore as they say and as I repeated,
“Get more out of life”..,
Since life occurs in the present,
So the more I appreciate or “get” from the present,
The more I “get out of life”,

So,
Even though I try to wish everyone well,
I still must distance myself from those who just cause excessive harmful pain in me,
And I guess this mostly occurs when I’m in states of unconsciousness in which I can NOT respond to the pain helpfully,
For my own safety,

Such as by NOT taking their unconsciousness personally (Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005) pages 62-76..),

Of course passing through some types of pain may further “awaken” me,
Yet if I do NOT CONSCIOUSLY respond correctly,
The pain may WORSEN me,
It may TRAUMATIZE me,
It may DAMAGE confidence and prevent inner strength from EVER being discovered in me..,

?

Some (if not many) may say the more pain I pass through,
The more “successful” and “stronger” I’ll become,
But thinking that’s ALWAYS the case,
Or thinking that’s the “guarantee”,
to me..,
Is judgmental and dumb..,
..
For reasons such as,
All the insecure bullshit I carry with me,
That painfully inhibits me,
that pain has given me..,

So if I struggle to do whatever more,
It does NOT mean I experienced less pain,
Yet the results of the pain,
For me,
Were unfortunately,
Just not the same,

It’s hard with all my hypersensitivity,
Learning disability,
And damaged confidence largely due to how others who were less challenged (in those ways) have harmfully mistreated me..,
And how serious I tend to take reality,
And how much it hurts me,
When others act mean to me..,
(Because as I say.. they unconsciously seek security in trying to have control over others who are weaker easy targets like ME.. because they haven’t learned nor have had experiences that inspired them to awaken themselves which (in my belief) starts by healing the internal roots of our unconsciously built-up inner insecurity, so their egos (unconsciousness) conveniently tries to feel better about themselves by being mean to those like me, which never sufficiently helps them feel more secure because they remain unaware internally, and then instead of learning to feel better or more fulfilled inwardly, their egos act even more mean to me to try to attain that sense of “security”),

I wish I let go of my painful autistic history,
I wish it wasn’t so painful,
I wish I could just let it go,

I try to accept as much (of what I can’t presently change) as I can,
My ego wants to but doesn’t feel like a man,
Yet,
I know I must let go of those expectations that distract me from the moment,
..
And I been struggling with proper awareness expansion practice consistency..,
And many will continue to hurtfully judge me,
Even though in my belief,
As for what I’ve been through and still struggle with..,
They just haven’t experienced it,
Yet I know they also have their history and present painful bullshit..,
And I guess their inner pain is what externally emanates hurtful judgment,
So I guess to some extent I somewhat “get it”..?

Yes..,
I’d say I’m not alone in the bullshit..

Therefore,
Since that,
Whatever we experience internally,
We emanate externally,
If we feel inwardly clearer,
Our presence and the awareness we give off,
May even help others suffer less..,
?
But yes..,
It’s not easy yet I guess could become easier and easier the more we empathically support ourselves to inwardly develop healing energy,
Instead of not inwardly processing and/or healing our inner painful bullshit,
Then uncontrollably treat each other like shit and therefore just add to more of it..,

And even though (as I said) it isn’t easy..,
(Regardless of however much I’ve been blessed with that I struggle to appreciate to try to feel better),
And although I don’t know and it’s not guaranteed wherever I’ll go,

I’m continuing on my journey,

And..,
Happy St. Patrick’s day,
I wish I could remain consciously fulfilled and aware of detail more often without getting inebriated,
Yet,
I have and I still can..,

I just have to continue on, And not get discouraged when it seems harder, Yet truthfully doing it will still more likely make life easier than if I were to not inwardly prepare myself for whatever I presently encounter,

I would guess ?

Once Again

Oh man I know so much is going on in the lives of others..
And I know it’s “NOT JUST ME”,
But as the song goes..
Why can’t they just acknowledge what “R. E. S. P. E. C. T. MEANS TO ME”!!!!??
(Do I need to cite that..? come on.. like we all don’t know it..),

And don’t others know..
About cultivating energy to pass through the pain easier..?

Yes.. yes..
Easier said than done I GUESS..?

..

Once again..
I’m repeating myself..

Once again..
I’m struggling the same ways AGAIN..,

Huhhh..

Can there be any guarantee that it’ll END??

Man I know we can’t prove it..

Shiiiiiiiiiiit..

To Be Real

To be real,
I’d just like to throw my belief out there that,
Being “real” does NOT mean being an asshole,
It does NOT mean to be excessively,
aggressively,
judgmentally negative,
Such as being excessively negative unlike our unaccessed,
Deep,
Helpful and therefore POSITIVE true,
Or REAL nature..,

(As sentient beings manifesting out of life energy, etc, etc, etc..)

Yet to be real,
Since the internal seems to be what is foundational,
..
With all the inner negativity that shapes what we emanate and come to view as “authenticity”,
Well..
Seemingly,
The unconscious excessive negativity many of us seemingly unconsciously develop and carry..,
Only seems to view being real as “negative”,
Since negative energy feeds off of negative energy,
..
Since irrational negative energy,
Only relates with..
Or only “feels”,
Irrational negative energy..,
Since it can’t feel positive since it is negative..,
(I think..?),

And if we REALLY cleansed ourselves..
..
Maybe..
Just maybe,
What is real,
Might be less bad..?
..
Maybe we’ll be less mad..?

And maybe we’ll pass less negative judgment(s),
And maybe more of us will actually be positively inspired to focus on needed development (to of course facilitate needed development.. hence negativity weighs us down internally..)..
Yet..
As for the negativity that’s been contaminated in me..
It says,
(To whatever extent wrong or right),
That..
This won’t happen..,
..
The negativity in me says that..,
“Humans beings will destroy themselves”,
..
As unconsciousness grows in us,
As unconsciousness divides us,
As unconsciousness feeds off an angry group mentality and judges outsiders in what seems to be known as the “them” category..,
For reasons such as,
Our external seeking ego impulsively conveniently feeds off of feeling good by feeling better than others of the “them” category,
And in its collective ego group among other insatiable insecure egos,
It gets an emotional high off of feeling connected and better than others,
(In addition to hating what if excessively (and therefore unconsciously/irrationally) fears..),
And this escapist high causes it to dismiss critical thinking,
Because critical thinking does NOT appear to be as quickly and conveniently gratifying..,
..
Yet..
The more people (including myself),
Who put in the work to inwardly cleanse themselves,
The more they realize that putting in the work was less painful than not putting in the work..,
Especially since..,
The work I put in,
Was meant to make me feel better..,
Or at least,
That my life and struggle is more worthwhile..,

???

And evidently,
Negativity does not seem to help the reality,
No matter how negative the reality,

So I think it’s good to remind ourselves to check in,
With how our inner energy,
Is affecting our present reality,
And maybe..,
Just maybe,
We’ll realize what we must do differently,
To experience any moment reasonably more gratifyingly..?

And even though this is NOT easy,
I feel,
That negativity,
Never helps me heal,
Any level or type(s) of negative and unnecessarily excessively painful experience,

To be real

Presently

Presently,
..
I’m struggling to accept that,
my present lack of ability to accept,
the present,
seems to be causing me pain..?

I don’t know..?

I just don’t like this moment,
And I don’t feel that I can just instantly think my way out of it,
And I don’t feel that I can just instantly peacefully accept it,
..
And if I just could then why wouldn’t I..?

What’s the purpose of this and everything..?
I guess there’s always deeper understanding..?
I guess that somewhat describes how I’m feeling..?
..
Presently

?

Falling

Why should I worry about “burning bridges” with people..?
When I feel that not nearly enough others have offered me and/or accompanied me in crossing a helpful bridge to the other side,
That is away from my far more painful than necessary misfortunes,

(All they need to do is spread enough helpful energy..),

And since I haven’t learned,
How to build my own self-sustaining bridge,
or shelter,
one-hundred percent by myself for survival,
I’m forced to interact or be somehow controlled by other people,
And because they have and sometimes (if not often) continue to hurt me MORE THAN NECESSARY,
..
It’s like whether I “burn a bridge” (or somehow damage a type of relationship..) with them or not.. What difference(s) does it make..?
Since..,
Too many just make it so,
So damn unnecessarily hard for me,

And with all this negativity,
If it goes unchecked and uncleansed,
It may cause the bridges that hold together,
Or connect all societies,
To all fall eventually…

I just have to keep reminding myself,
To keep trying the best I presently know how,
To accept all I can NOT avoid encountering,
Daily,
Or in any moment including this one,
Evidently

Shut Down

Even in any moments (if not always) when I can’t sufficiently put my inner pain or whatever I experience into words..,
I know when I shut myself down and could be doing better,

I know when the capability I’ve been blessed with remains undiscovered and unaccessed and is passing me by,
But why do I chose to remain shut down,
WHY!!!?

Well,
Here’s A reason,
Or a few,
Or a reason (or reasons) that implies more reasons for those who try interpreting this consciously critically..,
On WHY I remain shut down,
When I could OPEN to more gratifying,
profound perpetual present experience(s)..,

Well..,
Due to the culture that has evolved in response to life’s various forms adversity (such as harsh weather and geographic conditions, struggle for resources, etc..),
That’s been passed down to me,
As well as others who mistreated and worsened my atypical innate adversity..,
..
To me..,
A lot of my unaccessed capability seems to result from dominant unconscious (internally uncleansed or unprocessed) inwardly solidified and externally ongoing contaminating unconscious ego energy,

(And in this context, the “ego” is itself.., “unconsciousness”.. yet I may use the words one after another to emphasize this..),

Although I may be able to understand my misfortunate conditions deeply (possibly profoundly?),
I still remain trapped in the dominant unconscious insecurity,
Similar to many (or most) in their own unique ways,
In society who surround me,

And of course,
Those who are also unconscious,
Who have more power or some type of authority over me,
Have unconscious egos,
Who prefer I remain shut down,
Who prefer I remain in alignment with the unconscious mentality that their shut down unconscious egos feed off insatiably perpetually,

Those egos want me to remain unquestionably focused,
And they want me to remain low-key,
With whatever their unconsciousness (that’s been unconsciously passed on to them and is keeping them (in their own ways) shut down),
Expects of me,

And this unconscious shut down culture continues,
And it traps those who know they’re shut down,
Out of a fear of being rejected or brutally oppressed,
By other,
More powerful insecure fearful unconsciousness,
Who are (to whatever extent they know and/or can describe it or not) stuck in the unconscious forces of ego,
That has been passed down to and solidified in them,

And (based on my belief(s)),
It is this fear,
Of giving up the ego,
And making us function worse,
And “achieve” less than we would if we were to keep the ego as our egoic unconscious forces instructs us too,

Yet seemingly,
Truthfully,
It is our ego’s insecurity,
That clouds and however inhibits,
Or limits us,
From discovering and accessing,
And continually improving,

Profound infinite,
Internal,

Capability,

..

Yet of course,
To whatever extent(s) I try this by myself or with support,
Taking the steps to open myself up,
To inwardly cleanse and heal,
To open what has been closed, suppressed, and shut down in myself,
Requires consistency,
And such as writing this post,
Understanding what I believe as some primary causes (as explained) of why I’m shut down,
In order to inwardly address and cleanse them in ways I see fit,
Is tremendously IMPORTANT,
For healing myself,
To be weighed down by less limiting forces,
And to discover and access more profound present experience forces..,
Or whatever will make me less weighed down,
And more open and clear,
To experience and achieve (without harmful limiting ego pressure),
More and more that is,
Gratifying and worthy of experiencing..,

Yet,
For me,
Consistency to inwardly heal myself and remain conscious and unimpinged by surrounding toxic forces,
Has NOT been easy,

Yet at least I’m still here,
And still posting,
By putting my understandings of experiences I’ve had into words,
That I feel to be,

Worth sharing

Post Super Bowl Monday

Once I leave they’ll shittalk me,
Resulting from all my pain I express,
Largely because of my failed attempts at conformity, And of course, Their unquestioned convenient attempts at security..,

Largely because .. (to elaborate),
The culture that they connect on,
The culture that they share comradery on,
Is one that my hypersensitivity,
Such as fears of head injuries,
Whether it’s from collisions or killing brain cells due to intoxications,
Limits me from embracing mainstream ways of connecting..,

Yes..,
Although I have wrote what I regard as good writing when “under the influence”,
Truth IS,
I NEED to STOP KILLING BRAIN CELLS,
And start ADDRESSING the pain that I’m so desperate to block out even if the most accessible options to do that entail killing brain cells,

As for lectures on why to avoid toxic culture,
Especially for an atypically hypersensitive and learning challenged person like myself..,
I already know ENOUGH of WHY they’re TOXIC,

Yet..,
Since I can NOT change others,
Since I cannot rationalize with the dominant forces of insatiable irrationality,
It will remain HARD to find and MAINTAIN friendships with those who want to better themselves by aligning with their true nature to inwardly develop themselves to continually access profound capability that’ll help them amazingly appreciate the moment in which life happens,
Such as whatever they (or we) choose to help advance, discover or increase how awesome we can experience this present moment,

INSTEAD of shutting ourselves down in toxic conformity out of a great fear of isolation,
INSTEAD of choosing to limit ourselves or participate in harmful activities just to have friends,
INSTEAD of all that..,
Maybe..,
Just maybe,
If more of us found more confidence to LOOK INWARDLY,
The dominant culture may alternate from head injuries,
From indulging of harmful substances,
From insatiable never ending consumption,
From obsessive behavior,
To INSTEAD,
Inner discovery for continually discovering a more and more profound present inner and external experience in all societies,

Yet I know MOST people will MOST LIKELY not listen to me,
Regardless of how much they understand me,
Because those forces of irrationality are so conveniently blinding and powerful,
That the more ensnared we become in them..,
And the greater numbers there are who settle for them,
Regardless of the extents we know we’re in the dysfunction..,
Yes..,
The less likely we’ll feel confidence, motivation, and inspiration,
To change the system,
To discover ways of being that’ll feel better than we ever imagined,

Yet this collective vision,
I must continue to accept,
Is just part of my imagination,
And I must continually try to not get too emotionally disturbed by that truth,
So I don’t wind up on harmful heavy doses of prescribed and/or unprescribed medication,
So I don’t loose my shit in one of these dysfunctional social functions and wind up killed, maimed,
in the psych ward or prison,
Where the same shit may be just as likely,
If not more likely to happen,

I wish I didn’t have autism,
And I wish I had an easier time embracing what I presently view as dysfunction,
Because the culture that developed I believe limits the ways all of us could truly be functioning,
And if I wasn’t as atypical as I am,
Maybe.. just maybe,
I’ll have an easier time embracing them,
And not be distracted by the truth of how much I’m limiting myself in them..,

Yet ideally and I guess practically speaking,
Regardless of how much we admit it,
Well,
If we supported each other by doing stuff in many ways that are different,
We just may realize,
How much that we were missing out on what we really could have been experiencing all this time in the present..?
And most of us may realize how much more could be experienced..?
That we could help ourselves with,
Including others..,

And I’m sure that me sharing my beliefs about this, to many may sound hilarious,
But it may at least help some further understand why I struggle to remain centered and not become delirious,

Oh right I forgot it’s Valentine’s Day.., Not like it was ever crucial for me to remember anyway.., Yet.. that was just some more of what I had to say,

And evidently I’m not a good example of someone who can sufficiently align with the beliefs I discuss because the dysfunction including how those treat me in response to me being me has given me so damn much limiting insecurity.. such as what I been trying to emphasize in my others blog posts repeatedly

Noticing, Settling and Cleansing

Aside from my right to vent,
I don’t think people start of as “bad” or “evil”,
I believe that they developed themselves the best and only ways they knew how,

And if those ways were toxic,
distorted and however misguided,
Well,
Maybe they don’t see a way out..?
Maybe they don’t feel they have enough support..?
From others to pull them out,
Or help free them from their unconscious destructive mentality,
..
As for that,
Probably the best ways to heal evil,
Are collective aspirations,
To heal inner pain and frustration..?

As for me,
The more pain I feel,
The more desperate I am to block it out,
Without foresight,
Of the bigger problems I’ll have as a result of quickly blocking it out,

And when people tell me stuff,
Or imply stuff such as to,
“Get over it”,
Instead of helping me consciously internally cleanse it,
They’re criticism of me not letting go of the pain in me,
Just adds more pain in me, And therefore adding to the likelihood that I’ll block it out in the most harmful overall ways assuming that’s what’s most easily accessible.., (Assuming I lack enough confidence and support for healing myself in a helpful way I need to.. (for example)),
And their criticism does NOT consciously offer me,
Healing energy,
Nor guidance on how to proceed down a healing path..,

And if they’re telling me all I need,
Or all I must do,
I can say,
For a start,
I need empathy,
And..,
What I must do is be around those whose energy is good for me,
And not unhelpful or more destructive,
Aside from any next inner healing steps I may feel I must take..,

And if they have no helpful path to offer me,
Then the best they could do is let me vent,
Distance themselves from me if need be,
And just let settle,
What they can’t force to heal in me,

They could just let settle,
What they don’t have control over,
Such as..,
Ways in which I’m locked-in,
Even if I’m aware of how irrational I’m being,
Sometimes the mental inaudible voices,
Or forces,
Become overwhelming,

And instead of feeding and adding inner tension by resisting what I can’t push,
or force out of me..,
The best I can do is notice and let be,

While the pain settles in me,
While I cultivate healing,
cleansing energy,

Which for me hasn’t often felt easy,
..
Yet these are just some ways of being and continual aspiring I feel to be practical for me

Yes.. I know

Instead of others getting more pissed off at me for thinking I “didn’t let go” of what I know I must seem like a bigger issues than emphasizing with me,
..
Instead of others reminding me I must do this, that and the other thing,
Which I already know or what I’d definitely come to know or remind myself of,
..
I just wish they’d let me vent and express myself,
..
I just wish they’d hear me,
Instead of feeling an immense need to lecture me,

I already know what I must do,
And I’m trying my best,
But if I have one or a few moments of wanting to harmlessly vent,
Why not just listen and help each other out in the present?

I don’t think we need to WORRY or be as FEARFUL as we are..,
If anything,
I think it’s good to remember,
That listening and acknowledging others expressing,
No matter how rational or irrational it may be,
Is needed to help many feel less alone in their feelings,
..

Of course I know what I must let go,
Of course I know what I must do,
And being reminded of what I should and should not be doing,
Doesn’t offer me support on how to actually do it,
And it doesn’t INWARDLY address what is preventing me from doing it,

And what prevents me is forces of irrationality,
It’s not a lack of understanding,
Because it’s forces of IRRATIONALITY that won’t listen to the rational parts of me,

So ideally,
I believe I MUST REMIND MYSELF to cleanse the irrationality in the “inner body”,

And yes..,
I’m not near the level of doing this as someone like Eckhart Tolle,

Yet..,
I just want to say that as for what I must do, such as letting go..

Yes..
I know