Safe Regulation

Even the scientists feel I don’t have enough “swag”,
..,
I’ll even be told by a stereotypically awkward community that I’m “not cool enough” repeatedly,

And of course how true is it externally?
And how much am I at internal war presently?
And how much am I distracted by assuming what others are assuming about me?

Maybe the scientists can analyze me?
Maybe they can give me medication to never “kill the vibe” again,
..?
Maybe they’ll help with my socially awkward “predisposition” to not make anyone even slightly uncomfortable at whichever social function..?

Yet who is trying to really help me and who wants to feel greater authority?

Will someone take this personally?
Hack into my blog and try to profoundly slander me..?
To whatever micro if not macro degree!?

Ohh I’m just baffled constantly,
And once again I wish my inner chemical emotions become LESS and LESS triggered so nothing too crazy explodes out of safe regulation,
Huhhh..,

I just never totally get the equation

?

Spotting It

May we inwardly spot it,
Before we become it,

May we inwardly spot it,
Before we consume too much of it,

Ohh the jealousy has got me,
Ohh it’s forces want to repeat history,

Ohh,
May I spot it,
So I do NOT feed it,

May I spot it,

May I keep on spotting it,
So I do NOT become,
Part of its sadistic current

Reproduction

Of course I’m in a “atypical” minority because my autist breed weren’t meant to reproduce,

Think Einstein had autism like me?

BULLSHIT,

Think Thomas Jefferson did?

Doubt it,

I live in a digital atypical time period,

And I feel,

Even those “on the spectrum” will NOT get it

Friend or Drill Instructor

Who’s going to be there?
And who will criticize me without a care?

Who’s going to see my humanity?
Who’s going to dismissively mathematically analyze me?

Who’s going to view me as just a number?
Who’s going to see me as MORE?

Who’s going to unconsciously enforce what worked for them?
Who’s going to acknowledge that I respond and operate differently?

Who’s going to see my difference(s) as a deficiency?
Who’s going to see I have something important to offer if my needs are met sufficiently?

Who’s going to empathically acknowledge me?
Without calling me names that make me feel worse about what I already feel bad about?

Who’s going to see how much inner pain remains in me?
Who’s going to say I need to be “harder on myself” than I am already?

Whenever I act crazy,
Who’s going to truly understand me?
And who’s going to call me crazy and make me feel even more painfully crazy?

Who’s going to empathetically,
Kindly acknowledge my feelings to help me feel MORE meaningfully connected,
LESS in my head and LESS crazy!!?

Who is going to powerfully insult me?
Who is just going to fill me with more DAMAGING painful negativity?

Who truly wants to be my friend?
And who wants to sadistically instruct me?

Who wants to look deeply and work to clear their inner pain and insecurity?
And who just wishes to perpetually take it out on me?

Ohh I wish I could see,
Who it is safe to open up to,
More clearly

Who Really?

I open up to people who just call me crazy,
..,
All they have is names to call me,

They said they’d be my “friend”,
And I been nice to them,
Until my painful suppressed emotions as a result of them being mean to me,
Blasted out uncontrollably,

Maybe the medication also imbalanced me?
There may have been infinite factors that could be analyzed infinitely ?

I feel it’s just,
As for who I can emotionally open up to?
Who really is morally trustworthy?

?

Infinite Courses

I feel that there’s infinite fields of study in which I can learn infinitely,
I’ll proceed down one course of life,
Then feel pressure to instantly “complete” another and another course,
..,

And of course,
I can not force,
Developing while on and/or transitioning from one to another course,

I just must once again remind myself to find peace,
As part of any life force,
While of course,
On whichever course,

Some may gravitate to me,
While others remain incompatible with me,

As for all it is and what I may not be able to put into words,
I know it,
Even if I can NOT explain it,

I know it,
Even if I never get a chance to write about it,

I know it,
Even if I do not “know” it

Not Reacting

I feel:

Pain and insecurity seems to ebb and flow,
come and go,

It inhabits one person (without them realizing),
Then gets passed on to another and another,
..,

I’ll feel upset about one thing,
Then it’ll be a different thing,

I’ll have one feeling I’ll feel a need to post about,
Then that’ll pass,
Then there will be another,
And another,
..,

And since the pain may also feed off of my painful negative thoughts pertaining to it,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, page 146, (2005), Penguin Books, New York, New York),
..,
The pain (to stay alive and grow) would want me to (painfully) negatively think and respond to it,

So it’s in my best interest(s),
To continually peacefully witness and NOT react to it,

Yet I must first inwardly (continually) spot it,
So it does not grow within me unconsciously,
Because it may take over me uncontrollably,
It may cause me to get triggered by something external in a way that (for me) is especially life threatening,

So as for that inner pain,
I must stay aware of it,
And peacefully,
Not react to it

Can’t think my way Out

For reasons such as that irrational forces of energy have been passed on and remain within me,
I can NOT rationally think my way out of those IRRATIONAL forces of insecurity that have built up within me,
..,
Such as,
Being told I have “nothing to feel ashamed of”,
Does NOT instantly make me feel better,
Because the feeling of shame (or being ashamed) could be an irrational pain-feeding ego force,
That will NOT go away by thinking,

Hence,
I must address the roots that are deeper than the thinking