Not just Me

Whether neurodivergent,
And/or however typical,
I know it’s not only me who experiences a painful struggle,

I know that speaking for myself,
It’s not just me,
Yet knowing that,
Doesn’t always make it anymore easy,

As I believe I made clear repeatedly,

I try to make my posts open to,
NOT only those who were labeled and may struggle like me,

Yet I try,
To include,
To be open to,

Anyone,
Any sentient being,

I hope,
It’s sufficiently clear,
What I’m attempting,
At expressing

Warrior vs. Zombie

Speaking for myself:

Internally,

I can be a warrior,
I can practice my truth,
And remain strong,
When faced with pain,
No matter how long,

Or,

I can conform,
Out of fear of,
rejection,
oppression,
bullying,
exclusion, Isolation,
..,
I can take,
My medication,
As they instruct me,
To block out inner pain due to how they treat me,
Therefore becoming a zombie,
So to speak (obviously),

Or,

Regardless of whatever,
form,
Location,
Situation,
Or whatever I’m in,

I can find my strength within,
I can focus my attention,
To strengthen,
My ability,
To embody,
What I see as truth,

Within me

When I treat them, How they treat Me

(Beginning draft.. such as many of my posts)

I think that,
I feel that,

Many who laugh at me,
Don’t like it when I laugh at them,

Many who are honest with me,
Don’t like it when I’m honest with them,

Many who boss me around,
Don’t like it when I do it to them,

Many who have power over me,
Don’t want to consider distributing power equally,

Many who I follow orders from,
Can’t stand it,
When I’m the one making decisions,

Many who I do stuff with and for even when I don’t want to,
Can’t stand it,
When I suggest,
What I want,

Many who I listen to vent,
Just don’t want to hear it,
When I do it,

Many who don’t arrive on time,
Express hate when I show up late,

Many who ghost me,
Don’t like it,
When I ghost them how they ghost me,

Many who I been there for,
Just want me,
To get over it,

Many who criticize me,
Can’t take criticism from me,
..,
They criticize me for not taking criticism,
However directly,
Or indirectly,
Such as blaming me for my struggles with hypersensitivity,
Instead of being honest about,
Instead of emphasizing with,
How they actually treat me,

Many who tell me to get me shit together,
Don’t want to join,
Nor support,
Me in my efforts,

Many who preach to me,
Don’t have and consideration,
For what is true to me,

Many who give advice to me,
Don’t want to hear any considerations from me,

Many who I emphasize with,
Judge,
Criticize,
And,
Dismiss me,
When I try kindly,
Honestly,
Opening to them,

I can keep going on and on with examples..,
It’s just that,

Many don’t like it,
When I treat them,
the way they treat me,
Even though I often feel that,
I’m the one,
With,
Neuro-divergent struggles such as,
Emotional hypersensitivity,

I can’t avoid all of them,
I can’t change them such as how they treat me,
Yet,
If I keep following my truth the way I see fit,
There may eventually,
Be less,
Harmful pain,
Within me

???

Patience Especially

Even though,
I can’t expect whichever others to agree,

Even though I struggle with my atypical “autistic” condition ongoingly,
I want to thank,
All the work my mom has done,
On herself,
To do her best,
ALSO,
ensure,
That I have as much freedom,
Safety,
And opportunity,
And have whichever of my needs met,
As for what that may and continue to be,

Thank you mom,
For your patience,
With me and my neurodivergent struggles,
Thank you,
For your patience,
Especially,

Regardless of all my failures,
adversity,

I believe,
Many other moms,
may have,
With whatever intention(s),
To whichever degree(s),
Wouldn’t have wanted me,
Wouldn’t have done,
helped me,
And been there for me,
When I needed it,
Deeply,

Thank you mom,

For having empathy,
In a society,
That doesn’t feel I have,
Nor believes that I can access,
and develop,
Empathy,

Thank you for doing,
All you can,
And all you continue to do,
To protect me,
From our hardass society,
Which as you know,
Most probably,
Would’ve killed me,

Thank you,
For your patience,

ESPECIALLY,

Thank you for patience,
Which others did not have for me,

Speaking for myself obviously,
You have done so so much,
That words can NEVER,
Describe precisely,

And thank you,
For sticking to doing what you truly feel is best for me,
Even when I’m making stuff hard for you,
And others,
Constantly,

Thank you,
For your strength,
For your patience,

Especially

Space

I need to give them space,
I struggle to arrive and remain in a good place,

I need to block them,
So I’m not tempted to message and annoy them,
Making myself more vulnerable,

To what I feel as damaging,
Harmful,

Criticism,

For example

Punching Bag

I hang their innocently,
As others come,
To blast their rage,
Which I didn’t cause,
Onto me,

POW! POW! POW!

Others are mean to them,
And since I’m nicer,
And weaker,
They take out their anger they have towards others,
Onto me,

I just..
Hang there,
I just..
Remain there,
As they,
Blast,
Their anger,

POW! POW! POW!

They say they,
treat me “the way others treat them”,
Even though I feel I’m,
Way nicer to them,

POW! POW! POW!

They say,
they,
“roast others equally”,
Yet I disagree,

POW! POW! POW! BLAST!!

I’m an autistic,
neuro-divergent,
Easy target,

Sometimes,
Some of them,
Consciously realize,
Then apologize,
Then their awareness regresses,
And they go back,
On the attack,

POW! POW! POW!

BLAST!!!

BLASSST!!!!

Motorcycle Engine Chain Reaction

(Beginning draft)

I had another bad day,
And now,
After the only close friend I been seeing in person getting mad at me for being too sensitive..,
After picking up family friends from the airport, While looking for parking,
I’m in the passenger’s seat while my mom is driving,
..,
With the hope of meeting the family friends we dropped off at a Middle Eastern cafe who are visiting,

Emotions in me are building,
My mom decides to give me medication,
So I don’t get into dangerous trouble,
If I get triggered..,
And because I’m having another hard day,
I tell her I wish I didn’t come,
Feeling that once again,
I’m making stuff hard for others,
Yet,
She reassures me,
That it’s not me,
That we’re all trying to have patience,
Evidently..,
Etc, etc..,

We continue looking for parking,
I talk,
I vent,
My mom reminds me,
Repeatedly,
Of the need to have patience,

We get horns honked at us constantly,
Since it’s..
New York City,

Yet,
While I’m struggling to manage while feeling deeply upset,
A guy on a motorcycle,
Who pulls up behind our slow moving car,
BLASTS HIS ENGINE!!
Then I jump and was like..
“What the!!?”

Then my mom is like..
“Zach!!”

And I’m like..
“Definitely a gang member,”

And my mom’s like,
“You don’t know that”,

And as I see him driving up in the passenger side view mirror,
I panic,
Say something like..,
“He’s got a gun!!”
Then I ducked while covering my head,
And then while he passed I realized,
That a woman was holding onto him..,
And that was when,
I really started to hate him,

So I said something so bad,
I said something so OUT of alignment with my truth,
That I don’t want to mention here,
And then that was when my mom said,
“We’re driving home”,

So now,
Because I believe the motorcyclist,
Had to blast his engine,
To have my mom drive faster,
And to impress his girlfriend,
And because I instantly reacted the way I did,
And said what I said,
I feel like I ruined stuff once again,
I feel others are mad at me,
And regardless of however they may be struggling,
I still..,
Especially in that moment,
Wished I was them,
Such as the young motorcyclist,
and not me,

So..,
I wish I was that guy on the motorcycle,
Who blasted his engine to try to impress (what I believe to be) his girlfriend,
Even though that made me lose control of my emotion,
And deepened my inner painful frustration,

He had to “rev”,
Or..,
BLAST his engine,
Which sparked in me,
Or I guess,
Caused me to INSTANTLY,
Lose even more control of my emotion,
And seeing his girl,
Made me get even more mad and sad,
Because nice guys such as myself,
“Finish last”,

So now,
I really feel reminded,
Of my damaged,
Unaccessed and unsustained,
Confidence,

Even though I was having a bad day,
As I expected,
We were honked at constantly,
And I was doing better controlling myself,
Yet that encounter,
Really made me lose my shit,
And made me feel so much more,
Like an unlikable piece of shit..,

I’ll repeat it:
Because before I been struggling to control myself..,
Because he had to blast his engine for his selfish arrogant reasons,
I lost more control of my difficult emotion,
And now feel even worse,
Because I really felt I made my mom feel worse,
And (as I assumed) probably our family friends who are visiting,
Which..,
(Aside from how I was before),
Just really..,
Immensely,
Got set off,
By a man who blasted his motorcycle engine at us,
Which created a harder,
Emotional chain reaction,

Because (as repeated) he had to impress his girlfriend,
So..,
I now feel another need to post obsessively,
Such as how others make me feel shitty,

And even though it’s the city,
Even though what he did was so MINOR according to me,
It triggered a lot of painful memories,
And/or,
Painful feelings,

That made a bad chain reaction I felt within,

WORSEN,

..

After that,
While looking for where to park while our family friends were waiting for the food to go from the Middle Eastern cafe,
While stopped at a traffic light,
In this increasingly gentrified area of “Park Slope”,
Brooklyn,
My mom pointed to an apartment then said:

“That’s where we lived when you were born”,

I looked,
Tried to take a picture but the light turned green,
So I didn’t have my IPhone camera ready before we turned..,

And even though it’s the city..,

I felt,
I wished,
That,
People would find ways of doing better at not being,
Pointlessly mean,

While in the area I was born,
In Brooklyn,
Struggling with emotion,
The guy I wish I was,
Had to blast his motorcycle engine,
Impressing his girlfriend,
Yet giving me a more painful inner reaction,
That made him feel better,
And made me feel worse,
And made me feel inferior,
Unwelcome,
Rejected..,

And while I write this,
I remember seeing a video,
Of a jungle gym in the neighborhood my parents then moved to which was Bensonhurst,
Of me at the top of a slide as a toddler,
And then a kid who looked about 7 years old,
Who..,
Impatiently,
PUSHED me down the slide,
Who my mom then confronted as my dad was filming me slide down,
Yet,
Because I’m still feeling pushed around,
To this day,
It remains a challenge,
Controlling myself,
When people act mean to me,
When people push and step on me,
Repeatedly,

Not sure if I described everything precisely..
yet I’d say the point is reasonably clear,
So I therefore hope,
That others hear,
That after hearing the motorcycle engine,
That really caused,
Or exacerbated,
In me,
A painful,
Emotional,
Chain reaction

Of Course

Due to an obsessive need to post I deleted and re-uploaded this to make at least one correction I felt as important.. okay:

Of course they won’t take me side,
Why would they side with an autistic weirdo like ME,
Instead of their OG??

I wish I wasn’t me,
I wish,
Attempts at self-improvement,
Did NOT,
Fill me,
with discouragement,

The struggle continues,
And me repeating myself,
And getting offended,
And others apologizing,
Then offending me again,

Continues,

Our awareness changes,
Doesn’t it??

If you disagree,

I’ll try to emphasize with it

I already Know

I already know,
That my level of sensitivity,
Makes stuff harder for others,
Yet especially,
Me,

I was an easy target,
Been hurt,
And carry a lot of insecurity,
Which makes me shatter easily,

And causes others to not like me,
And get even more mad at me,
Due to my level,
Due to my type,
Of high sensitivity,

I’ve talked about it a lot,
Such as in my post called,
“Hypersensitivity”,
And evidently,
This remains,
A painful challenge for me,

I wish I found it easier,
To,
Use my sensitivity in ways that’ll further benefit me,
Such as expanding my sensitive awareness,
Instead of getting derailed emotionally,

So damn easily,
So damn frequently,

Evidently I feel to have been recently,
Grappling,

With the sensitivity,

I carry and struggle to clear,

Within me

When I’ve Tried

When I’ve tried,
To keep it real,
I’ve felt damaged and hurt by others,
As a result of trying to communicate,
How I believe,
I truly felt,

When I’ve tried,
To keep it real,
I felt the energy I then been experiencing,
Gave the wrong impression(s),
Gave the wrong understanding(s),
And instead,
Became,
damagingly,
Misleading,

When I’ve tried,
To keep it real,
I felt what I was hoping others would actually hear,
Was instead confusing,
And caused them to instead,
Not want to be around me,
Even more than previously,

When I’ve tried,
To keep it real,
Instead of trying to feel less alone,
With how I believe to feel,
I’ve felt even worse,
And I’ve felt instead of feeling rewarded for my pain,

I just became closer to derailing,
And becoming more deeply,
(As you may guess(?)),

Insane