What to Expect

I may expect someone to act mean,
Then he/she/they may act nice,
Then I’ll expect that same person to act nice again,
Then he/she/they may act mean,
And then I’ll be reminded of my initial expectation of that person acting mean,

Yet,
As for what to expect,
I can never totally predict it,

What I can expect,
Is to NEVER completely expect how experiences may play out,
Among the infinite ways they can and may infinitely play out

On the Drugs

If I’m labeled as “on the spectrum”,
I may be more likely forced “on the drugs”,
(That are said to “go with” my cognitive diagnosis),
..,
If I’m susceptible to emotional dysregulation in response to lived experiences,
I may (also) be more susceptible to excessive self-medicating,

I just,
Hope to learn more and more about myself,
To share,
More and more experiences and/or inner realizations,
Such as (right now) making blog posts,
To (hopefully) help anyone going through the same and/or however similar experience(s),

As always,
However “neurotypical” or not,
I intend for my posts to be kindly open and welcoming,
To anyone

Constant Threats

I WISH that I did NOT feel that there were so many threats to my survival,
Such as “treatments” I may get forced,
By a force that does NOT seek to help me,
Yet seeks to insatiably increase its dominant authority,

I constantly worry about getting pressured into,
And/or convinced about proceeding down a path that is dangerous for me,
Such as one far likely to drastically reduce my life expectancy,
Whether it’s a court order to undergo a continual type of treatment,
Whether it’s a contract I’m forced to sign and/or follow..,
..,
It’s just,
..,
The more I remember to try to properly follow at least some viable awareness practice,
The more I hopefully sufficiently safely spot,
Whichever survival threats I encounter and may be conceivable,

Ohh I wish for it to become LESS and LESS of a struggle

Irrational Reactivity

Since I can NOT rationalize with unstable irrational forces of energy in others,
It’s best I remain distant,
It’s best I stay safe from their toxic reactivity,
(Which of course may have built up throughout their life such as through repeated emotional trauma..(?)),
..,

I must remain a safe distance,
Because if I try to rationalize,
The irrational reactive forces presently in others may interpret it as criticism,
Arrogance,
Or they may react in whatever way that amplifies the out of control emotional chemical reaction,

Hence,
It’s best I leave it alone to not feed it,
And of course to remain safe from it,

Since those irrational reactive energy forces are just looking to feed and stay alive on whatever else may trigger another irrational reaction or expand and deepen the same chain of irrational emotional reactions

Distinguishing

Similar to what I (also) tried writing about in my post titled “Random Ego Forms”,
I feel that:

The MORE I’m able to,
And the MORE I practice noticing the DIFFERENCE between what IS inevitably occurring in the present moment and my inner reaction/response to it (for example),
The LESS likely I am to be under the unconscious control of an unconscious inner reaction/response to the present moment,
Since INSTEAD of being caught up in its unconscious emotional reactionary current (for example),
I will be increasingly inwardly,
Consciously witnessing the emotional energy however it manifests and passes through me,

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) page 110, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”, (1997), page 27, New World Library, Novato, California),
(Source: Mooji, Infinite Love Meditation Club, “Mooji – Do Not Worry – 3 Wisdom Messages”, September 16th, 2022, YouTube, https://youtu.be/ZqxqxIqlulg),

And in general,
I can always expand my awareness to be aware of more parts of my present state of being that I was not initially aware of,
I can discover more within,
And/or around me,

I can expand my awareness,
(Which I of course believe can be expanded in infinite ways and infinite directions),
However that may happen to be,

?

For example..,
I’ll make a set of clear inner conscious connections,
Which can become deepened,
Which can become more clear and/or expanded,
In whichever directions,

And to broaden and understand awareness,
I can remind myself,
(To reduce pressure, feel clearer and function better),
That I do NOT need to,
NOR can I sufficiently put all of it (since it’s infinite) into words,
And of course,
To really broaden my awareness (for example),
I feel,
It’s best I expand it,
Beyond thoughts and words,

And of course I must be able to distinguish,
What is presence and what is excessively analyzing about it,
So I can,
Of course,
Appreciate being more present,
And feel LESS painfully lost in thought about it,
Or more free from whatever takes me out of the moment,
And (of course) instead appreciate more of the present

Somewhere within Me

Ohh that pain can feed off of pain somewhere,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”, (1997), page 37, New World Library, Novato, California),

That emotional pain builds,
Spills out,
Then replenishes itself..,
(Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005) page 145, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

Ohh how I struggle to sufficiently inwardly spot it,
To clear it,
So it does not irrationally explode out of me,
Giving other more powerful pain filled and irrational individual and collective forces a “justification” to oppress me,

Ohh how that pain can always build somewhere within me,
I can analyze about it infinitely,
Yet for my continued safety,
I must sufficiently be aware,
Of how it’s manifesting within me,

So it hopefully,
Of course,
Does NOT,
Destroy me

Random Ego Forms

Some beliefs I presently feel to be true/stuff I felt a need to share are that:

I just can NOT spot all the forms of ego,
Hence,
They just may be infinite..?
Yet conscious clear energy may also be infinite..?
Hence,
Instead of infinitely analyzing about it..,
Well..,
I can still just keep doing my best,
To stay safe from it and/or it’s obsessive,
Insecure,
Toxic pain feeding energy..?
..,
I can develop my awareness to spot any new forms of unconscious energy when immensely necessary,

And well..,
For reasons such as that,
Since the ego is always in seeking mode,
I feel the ego just can NOT be truly present,
The ego just keeps on looking,
Never finds,
Nor truly stops to deeply appreciate..,

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), pages 201-202, Penguin Books, New York, New York),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Many Faces of Ego”, January, 19th, 2021, YouTube, https://youtu.be/6StRwsSBubw),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), page 146, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

And well..,
I guess the ego,
Negativity,
Painful overthinking and/or the pain-body,
May all be the same type (or virtually the same type) of dark,
Unconscious painful energy..?

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), pages, 112, 173, 181, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

Maybe other egos will criticize my ego for occasionally clinging to a victim mentality..?

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), page 87, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

So yes,
Egos may criticize other egos for their egoism?

Egos may preach about egolessness..?
Etc, etc..,

Some egos may look for negativity to complain just to get attention?
Some egos may look for something that is “wrong” in order to feel a sense of “security” by proving themselves “right”?

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “Breaking Addiction to Negative Thinking”, February 18th, 2018, YouTube, https://youtu.be/j91ST2gtR44),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth”, (2005), page 67, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

My ego is now looking to more deeply convey what it views as another “insight”..,
And when writing the first draft of this I lost sleep that night..,
And I also lost sleep tonight..,
Since I failed to control all these inner conflicting energy forces..,
Ahhh!!
The more I forget to accept and focus on my inner naturally occurring sensations (starting with my breath),
The more the inner tension just feeds and feeds..,

The more pressure I have to put into writing what I feel a need to,
The harder it is for me to clearly connect my thoughts to clearly put into words..,
Hence the MORE pressure,
The LESS likely I get anywhere..,

My ego is never satisfied with how much it can understand itself,
Yet the MORE I truly spot my ego,
I’m LESS I’m unconsciously controlled by it..,
..,
And/or,
My mind can NOT analyze presence since (in my belief) being lost in thought is not being truly consciously present,
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”, page 93, (1997), New World Library, Novato, California),

Huhh..,
As for all that’s “wrong”,
I just struggle to find the peace I need,
To NOT get derailed,
To just stay strong,
And keep moving along..,

I feel to expand my awareness,
I must be present WITHOUT narrowing my awareness through my mind’s analysis,
..,
The more I recognize and step out of my unconscious reaction(s) to what is,
The more I consciously realign with what is,
..,
The more I step out of and instead witness thought and emotion,
The less blinded I am by thought and emotion,
The more I expand my awareness,
..,
The more aware of my awareness I am,
The LESS blindly controlled by narrow awareness such as thoughts and emotional unawareness alone,
..,
Hence,
The more I can consciously distinguish what is present from my mind’s reaction to what is present,
And,
The more aware and less controlled by the reaction I am..,
Hence I’m watching my inner reaction manifest and pass through me instead of being caught and lost within its unconscious current..,
..,
And if my mind’s reaction is negative thinking,
Well..,
It’s crucial I detach,
Witness,
And give it LESS power for MORE inner peaceful beingness..,
Hence,
My reaction to what I experience is NOT what I experience,
(Source: Mooji, Infinite Love Meditation Club, September 16th, 2022, “Mooji – DO NOT WORRY – 3 Wisdom Messages” YouTube, https://youtu.be/ZqxqxIqlulg),
(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth” (2005), page 110, Penguin Books, New York, New York),

The MORE I remind myself to witness an emotional reaction (for example) as it forms and passes through me,
The LESS likely I am to be blindly controlled by it,

And well..,
If someone curses me out..,
Or worse..,
I feel I just must keep sticking it out,

If people act nasty,
I’ll try NOT getting lost in my resulting emotional reactivity,

I just must keep finding that peace within me,
And of course address whatever I need to peacefully..,

Yet once again,
Instead of developing peaceful present awareness within,
I’m rambling about toxic unconscious mean energy..,
Huhh..,
(Well.. maybe this writing can be (at least) somewhat useful..?),

I just wish for it to stop getting to me..,
I just want to be more at peace,
And not always feel like I need to go deep in some other analysis..,

I’ll think..,
And the thinking will just never end,

(As for what I write..),
I’ll want to include this,
Then I’ll want to include that and that,
INSTEAD,
Of just,
Being,
In the PRESENT MOMENT,

I feel I just must think..,
Only when necessary..,
And well,
Even if my mind overthinks,
Instead of adding inner resistance pain NOR trying to think my way out of overthinking (in order to REDUCE overthinking..(since trying to think my way out of excessive thinking would create more thinking(?))),
Well,
Maybe I can once again try to,
Just notice as the energy is passing,
While sustaining and cultivating neutral non-reactive peaceful awareness,
As I witness,
The passing inner sensations of whatever I may presently experience

(Source: Mooji, “I’m Giving You a Big Secret — Don’t Fight the Mind!”, August 14th, 2021, YouTube, https://youtu.be/3DcxBZ8uiQs),
(Source: Alan Watts, Mindfulness 360 – Center for Mindfulness, “Your Thoughts” Alan Watts, October 9th, 2017, YouTube, https://youtu.be/WR1JcEJ97Eg),
(Source: Alan Watts, T&H – Inspiration & Motivation, “The Mind – Alan Watts”, July 5th, 2014, YouTube, https://youtu.be/emHAoQGoQic),
(Source: Alan Watts, True Meaning, “Alan Watts – Don’t Think Too Much”, October 14th, 2021, YouTube, https://youtu.be/WfVJUKlbWVw)

Perpetuating Unawareness

Instead of listening to what I have to say,
Many may become distracted by the stigma,
Of the label(s) they know or assume I have,
Of the credentials I do NOT appear to have,
Of the “group” I appear to be a part of,

Instead of listening to what I have to say,
Many others may focus on a category I fall under that’s been created on the surface,
Which will of course,
Add to perpetuating unawareness that does not seek to deepen beneath the surface

Inner Choice/Decision Making Awareness

When I repeatedly fail at controlling my impulses,
My inner discouragement lets my impulses do what they want to me (or what they want WITH me),

When my inner emotional reactivity clouds my awareness for clear/good decision making,
I (therefore) can NOT make as clear NOR as good of a choice/decision,

Sometimes (if not often) without me being aware of it,
The inner emotional reactivity takes over me..,

(Source: Eckhart Tolle, “The Choice to be Present”, September 13th, 2022, YouTube, https://youtu.be/URGhPYOEwv4),

Huhh,
..,
Survival of the fittest mentality has NOT felt sufficiently fit for me,
Yet the brutal energy surrounds and provokes me,
..,
The unaware mean energy I receive and perceive immensely triggers a very hard to control inner emotional reaction within me..,
..,
I feel I can get emotionally triggered then emotionally derailed quite easily,
Giving the insecure egos around me a “reason” to diagnose me as (however implicitly or explicitly) “crazy”,
Huhh..,
I feel they always want continual control over me..,
..,
It seems to me,
It’s just the unconscious perpetuating mentality..?

And well,
Sometimes I feel I see stuff too differently,
Causing me to fear excessively,
And that will inevitably end up making me become too in my head,
Too emotionally/socially/cognitively disconnected,
And therefore delusional,
..,
Hence,
In addition to my innate behavioral response (to my environment) tendencies that shaped my character over time (such as getting bullied exacerbating an innate tendency to get more anxious than typical),
Well,
Being labeled and/or having certain conditions that are said to make stuff harder than typical,
For me,
Remains a damn struggle,

And well,
If too many do NOT know how to clear inner toxic building emotions,
I guess too many will then suppress them..?
And if the suppressed inner building toxic forces become hatred of an “us” versus “them” dynamic,
Then well,
Looks like there will be another war..?
..,
Hence the unconscious pain unconsciously feeds off of itself however individually and/or collectively..,
However inclusively and/or brutally exclusively,

And since I’ve been born with a tendency to respond to emotionally provocative experiences with greater than typical emotional reactions or emotional “hyperreactivity”,
Suppressing my emotions has NOT felt to be a suitable path for me,
Hence,
I instead felt a survival need,
To try,
To clearly look deeply,
..,
Because if I lose too much control of my innately overly-reactive emotions,
Who knows what any powerful unconscious/uncompassionate insatiably egoistic authority may do to me..?
..,
Ohh I hope that NEVER becomes a court ordered reality..(for example),

..,

So the more inwardly balanced I remain,
The more externally I’ll appear (and literally function) as balanced and sane,
And of course,
I hope to find the inner peace WITHOUT any internal imbalancing deadly side-effects,
..,
I of course hope for LESS excessive pain,
And NOT an exchange of types of pain,
NOR worse pain obviously,
..,
Hence,
For my survival,
I really must remember to PROPERLY develop that needed inner peaceful/healthy awareness,

..,

And well,
As I feel I implied..,
If I never spot the inner causes of a lack of impulse control then I’ll never learn how to get a handle on my impulses,
..,
I just often feel I can NOT control my impulses IF I’m NOT taught NOR sufficiently supported with HOW to control them,
..,
If I NEVER learn NOR sufficiently remember how to inwardly clear the inner painful built-up bullshit,
I may (therefore) permanently lose it!?

I can evolve or devolve,
And I believe,
So can we all,

I may be more innately vulnerable(?),
Yet my life experiences may either DAMAGE,
OR,
Consciously BUILD me,
To access profound capability I never before saw possible within me,

I can find peace while going up the hill,
Or the pain I inevitably inwardly carry can psychologically dangerously spiral me into irreparable insanity..?
..,
Hence,
I really must remember inner awareness,
Of the awareness that underlies my decision making and/or present state of being and (therefore) in which direction it is mostly heading,

I can be aware of my awareness,
..,
I can be aware of my awareness that is aware of my awareness..,
Etc, etc..,
(Source: Mooji, Infinite Love Meditation Club, “Mooji – DO NOT WORRY – 3 Wisdom Messages”, September 16th, 2022, YouTube, https://youtu.be/ZqxqxIqlulg),

I often feel:
If I know what I must do,
Yet if I do not know how to do it,
I will never successfully do it,
..,
And (hypothetically speaking) if no one teaches me it,
Well..,
As any particular teaching may have somewhere first started(?),
Hopefully I then inwardly discover what I view as truth (that’ll truly help me)..,
Such as,
How to find healthy natural inner peaceful conscious balance,
To get myself through any work and/or any day,
In an increasingly deeply gratifying way..,

And of course,
The more my experience(s) damage my awareness,
The more damaging my decisions will be,
Since I will NOT have developed the inner foundational awareness I needed for good and clear decision making and/or good (and clear) impulse control..,

Huhh..,
My emotional hyperreactivity makes me feel vulnerable in a world of brutally uncompassionate “survival”,
(Or among unconscious forces that are brutally insatiable),

I hope this is reasonably making sense..(?),

Yet..,
Hence,
The LESS I find natural inner peace in the present,
The MORE susceptible I’ll be to toxically impulsively blocking out inner pain (such as through drug abuse as a hypothetical..(?)),

The external may tell me what I must do,
Yet IF I do NOT consciously identify MY inner causes of bad decision making,
I’ll just keep making bad decisions,

And well,
If I do NOT have sufficient inner awareness support NOR guidance NOR any needed inner realizations on how to develop clear awareness for clear and good decision making,
Then of course..,
As I also ended the above stanza with..,
I’ll just keep making bad decisions..,

So I feel,
Instead of unconsciously reacting to inner emotional pain by making unconscious impulsive bad decisions to block out the pain through excessive medication (recreational and/or prescribed..),
I feel I must INSTEAD (for example) witness my natural breathing and inner sensations,
The natural expansion and contraction of my chest,
The (unconsciously built up) painful present inner resistance CLEARING while peaceful inner conscious strength INCREASES,
Or whatever it is I may be deeply experiencing that helps develop my inner peaceful awareness and acceptance of inevitable external present circumstances..,

Yes..,
The LESS present inner stressful resistance I carry,
The MORE inner peacefulness I’ll more likely attain,
That’ll MORE likely help me additionally succeed externally,
..,
The more I have inner peacefulness,
The easier I feel it may be to do my part at emanating it externally,

So if I feel excessive inner pain,
I (therefore) feel I must remember HOW to NOT add to it by inner tense resistance NOR (or such as) negative thoughts pertaining to it,
Hence..,
I can just,
Witness it as it is,
And practice accepting that I can not instantly change it..,
Which may just most likely help it start and/or continue to settle..?
Since I’ll be letting it be within me,
?
And therefore NOT adding inner tension/inner bad energy such as negative thoughts and/or energy to what I can NOT change in the present moment,

And of course,
I hope to more successfully,
More continually,
Accept whatever I inevitably experience,
In any present moment,
..,
Yet (I feel) I must remind myself that it takes aware commitment,

And of course the LESS inner energy depleting negativity I carry within me,
The MORE clear inner peaceful strength I’ll have to complete any task(s) I must,
And hence,
The more likely I’ll make better decisions to reach more goals,

The more clear I am internally,
The more clear I can make decisions that may MORE likely benefit me externally,
Inwardly,
Or however the decisions may deeply and continually serve me (and others hopefully),

Because,
That unconscious inner toxic energy will NOT be excessively clouding my awareness NOR will be excessively holding me back..,

So I’ll have and sustain the inner clear awareness,
To keep making the decisions I must,
That’ll therefore give me a greater likelihood of feeling better and better,
Of however I feel is more worth feeling,

?

Awareness of my inner awareness,
I just must keep remembering,
To keep consciously developing

Narrowing and Broadening

As for whatever degree of pain or pleasure,
For worse or better,
Sometimes I’m more aware and other times less aware,

Hence,
My awareness,
Broadens and narrows,
And hopefully it overall develops peacefully,

Ideally I’d prefer to ride my life manifesting energy current peacefully from start to finish,
With no damaging painful abrupt changes of frequency,

Yet from here forward,
May I prevent growing unconscious selfishness from narrowing my awareness,
And may I increasingly reconnect with the beingness I’m a part of,

May reconnecting give me peacefulness,
May it help me feel LESS painfully alone in my head whether with any number of others or completely isolated,
..,
May my awareness perpetually expand beyond the walls of my present awareness,
..,
Whenever I think I “have the answer”, may I peacefully expand my awareness further and further,
Deeper and deeper,
Clearer and clearer,

May my awareness bubble (or oval?) keep enlarging,
And,
Deepening,

May I peacefully keep developing