Of course.. By “Rick’s Club American” in my hometown of Congers.. A stranger at a crosswalk gave me an angry shameful gesture since I didn’t let him cross, Since it’s a crosswalk, not a stop light.. Since it’s a busy road right behind a route 303 traffic light.. and without signs saying to stop for those crossing crosswalks..
Oh man.. I wanted to fuck him up.. I already said how past bullying I let happen to me, But it’s the same type of experience perpetually.. Although I understand it, the painful suppressed emotions can blind me after being triggered unexpectedly.. And I said that those days of being stepped on are over for me, permanently, THE DAYS OF ME BEING A PUSHOVER ARE OVER.
(And while glancing in the rearview I noticed he didn’t express himself angrily at the other car behind me.. which didn’t help me let go of my victim mentality (even if it is reality..))
While stopping at the railroad tracks as the train passed, While considering the consequences such as going to jail for the rest of my life for manslaughter if I was to run over him with my mom’s car.. And since my OCD has been making me hopeless, I then considered going down a bad track.. So I turned around to see if I could find him to lower the window to at least yell at him telling him and his fucking sunglasses.. “IT’S A CROSSWALK NOT A LIGHT!!”While also assuming he never had autism but had it all together..
It’s another fucking stranger.. Whose probably pissed due to covid cause he can’t handle isolation unlike me since I self-isolated my whole fucking life due to how people like him treated me… And those sunglasses really got to me.. While he’s seemingly enjoying himself he really shouldn’t be stepping on me..
I can use some kindness.. PLEASE
I already talked about having nothing to lose, Even if I do have much to lose, I will still consciously or unconsciously choose, Consciously or unconsciously consider and be aware from moment to moment, encounter to encounter, disrespect to disrespect.. I’ll go crazy without booze.. But I’m also susceptible to it since I get hopeless after always feeling like I lose..
Well.. I then went to the Sloatsburg gas station after switching cars with my brother by New City elementary, where I started writing this poem.. and had to stop to continue writing again..
And then.. The guy at the gas station behind me gave me a seemingly dirty look when writing this, since he noticed I wasn’t getting gas, so I drove up to Plattsburgh after constantly being tailgated even when going 80.. Seems like covid isolation most can’t handle like me.. But yes that’s my assumption because I’m pissed..
Angry crazy people make me so angry.. If it’s how they play the game, I want it to end!! However, Ending it deliberately wouldn’t be a good move or an ethical one according to me.. But I’m waiting for this disrespect and misery to end.. I won’t do anything, Just waiting..
Although this will pass, My ego doesn’t want to be forgotten.. I wrote a lot.. Which is my way of trying to help a lot..
Good thing I didn’t engage with the guy but he got by.. That life ending moment where I perceive disrespect and catastrophically react hasn’t happened yet, And knowing myself, Especially after today, I greatly fear it, I greatly fear it..
Eventually I may unconsciously react to disrespect catastrophically unfortunately.. Yes I’m getting help with network zoom meetings and therapy..
But it only takes one.. It only takes one..
I’m inhaling, exhaling, detaching from the bad feeling.. My drive up to my dad’s place, I’ll now be continuing.. I got gas, “devil dogs”, and a 20 ounce Red Bull.. and now I’m off..
Well I made it to Woodstock..
Happy Easter! May the good fulfilling conscious awareness discovered by teachers like Jesus rise in those like Mr. Sunglasses..
If you feel I used Jesus’s name in vain you’re only partially right since due to the coincidence of this happening on Easter it felt cool to write.. (So did that..)
But of course, May that good compassionate consciousness arise or manifest in all of us..
It’ll help me..
Lastly, Since I already said in my poem “Precautionary” that those who disrespect me may be the star of what I write, Mr. Sunglasses got his, Even though he didn’t get his.. But my creative expression is my best and safest weapon.. aside from just letting it go without having to do anything such as writing.. Which I feel to be ideal..
But if I want to live in alignment with my beliefs.. And in alignment that an eye for an eye doesn’t help us see and understand clearly.. Yes, Jesus said to “turn the other cheek” obviously.. which is what I also believe ideally..
I prefer letting go even though in this present moment I’m struggling to do so.. But I must do it, To stay peaceful and out of trouble for myself and others.. (ideally), As we know..
At my job I saw a home good that read “Silly Rabbit, Easter is for Jesus”.. (Based on the trix commercial..(I let my OCD voice mention that..)
But Easter is for ALL OF US, Not to put words in Jesus’s mouth, And I’m no spiritual teacher, but a hypocritical preacher..
But I want to say that, Jesus cared for all of us, We can feel better within, Regardless of the reality of the situation,
In my belief, Consciousness goes on,
Blessings to me, Everyone, Including, Mr. Sunglasses,
Although bad experiences give me something to write about.. (and yes, “clout”). (Also I thought of the rhyme “clout and about” before I heard it elsewhere so it’s common so my OCD wants to say I’m not plagiarizing.. and maybe I’ll take this out..). But as for bad experiences.. I don’t prefer them.. I prefer feeling good,
With nothing to do and nowhere to be but present, I try keeping that as my intent..
Turns out Mr. Sunglasses was right, But since I didn’t come close to hitting him, Since I was NOT going fast, I didn’t need brutal criticism.. And brutal criticism just feeds brutal energy.. so.. May we help others do better more peacefully.. So our teaching doesn’t leave a traumatic history.. Yes I know this is only one encounter I had with a stranger.. but may we remember, we need peace to see and learn more, since we’ll clearer for seeing, learning, and advancing a more moral, safe and adventurous existing