My Turn

IT’S MY TURN

I want to take less orders, I want to give more orders, Speaking egotistically with my “victim” mentality..

I wish that I believed most who call themselves Christians did the good that Jesus allegedly said, I wish I didn’t feel so painfully alone in my head, I’ll get detached, act then regret, Socializing I barely get, Pun intended..

Not to “throw anyone under the bus”, But sometimes, My negativity makes me believe that, even who I consider the like-minded people, “don’t like” that much of my company.. When I assume this, I also assume it’s often for the “best”, Even though for me, exclusion, resulting in isolation, has been among the worst..

I tried to do right, But almost always feeling alone in my practice, Makes goodness harder to cultivate and experience..

Now I know what is rational and right and no matter what my situation, I’m equally accountable, No matter how bad my life was, bad behavior is never excusable.. But please, Please don’t make it too hard for me, Please,

We don’t want another tragedy, And I don’t want to suffer evidently,

A way I believe in God is as a life energy.. And I say that because just say if out of this energy is a deity who created Earth’s sentient beings.. And although I didn’t attend church, As for me getting bullied, If there is a judgmental deity, What I have to say to anyone who bullied me whose a “Christian”, Is that this “supreme being” saw the whole thing, It saw everything you were doing to me.. And I doubt I’d get in trouble for not attending church, If anything, It would depend on moral doing..

As for bullying, How you took out your understandable pain on me which I did not cause .. Was because I was an easy target to make you feel more “secure” about yourself by feeling above me.. since your bad experiences made you unconsciously do that to me..

As for your beliefs, Even though I’m not a practicing Christian, The deity will know who was the oppressor and who was the victim,

Well, regardless of Christianity or any organized (sometimes corporate) with a punishment aspect of spirituality.. Since this deity is “all knowing”, It’ll know, Regardless of what anyone claims in their “holy book” writing.. We all have our own experiences, opinions and understandings, We have freedom of thought, belief and experience which can never permanently be taken away from us,

Yeah.. having compassion is way, way easier said than done.. Yes, I know brutal behavior comes out of brutal feelings.. So I don’t wish hell on any being, But as for right and wrong, Even if the right never gets sufficiently discovered in a world that is wrong, I think I can reasonably know which side I was probably on.. If and only if there’s that kind of judgment and punishment.. But I don’t believe in punishment.. It doesn’t help with enlightenment since it shuts people down in torment..

I believe in empathy, And truthfully, When we’re in touch with goodness, We don’t need to have fear of punishment be our only incentive for good behavior, Although we may not have learned how to always be in touch with it, Doing good, I believe, Is true nature,

I think.. We can just open to a good way, And let all the painful past go away, That’s one belief anyway..

Also, Since, Underneath all beliefs is a sentient being, If I hate someone’s beliefs, I’ll try not to hate them as a person..

I believe the belief.. that I’ve heard before.. “We are not our beliefs”,

If what I believe as true is different than yours, I’ll still try to just be present and let go of trying to “convince” you.. As long as my world views aren’t harming myself and anyone else, We’ll both have our personal preference..

But I’m glad I started writing, IT’S MY TURN TO SPEAK UP, To share my understanding of experiencing.. Based on my perceiving, Although I have autism, I’m also a feeling being,

I didn’t mean to offend anyone about expressing my beliefs, But if I just look to please others, I then wouldn’t be making being true to myself a first priority,

It’s my turn, It’s my turn,

Since I was vulnerable to anxiety, Since bullies who had it easier socially made it challenging for me, That just ramped up my insecurity, To a much greater degree, Making me more vulnerable and less likely to survive, And the lack of emotional inner healing awareness due to mistreatment contributed to bad impulse control that added to physical destruction in addition to stress.. And as for struggling with paying attention, when others got angry with me, that just gave me fear, which made paying attention even harder, And of course, more obsessive compulsive insecurity interfered with my awareness capability, social and learning ability, making it less likely for my needs to be there for me and putting my well-being more in jeopardy, Although now, I’m more in touch with my history, and it’s my turn to tell my story, one of a person with a learning and socializing “abnormality”..

And if I die homeless due to too many non-learning and non-socially challenged judgmental employees not wanting to hire me due to a short impression of me.. Or those who were learning and socially challenged and overcame it and don’t want any of their employees to remind them of their old self.. Well.. I said a lot on this blog already,

If I don’t get to share more of my story, may you at least remember this.. as long as it’s helpful