A Big Picture

A big reason why many others can’t stand me is because I’ll unintentionally remind them of the part of themself that they presently can’t tolerate being reminded of, Such as their insatiably insecure, anxious obsessive compulsive, disembodied depressed states of unconscious beingness,

Because I have a greater amount of this, and therefore struggle more to control this, in response, Their unconscious defense mechanism may consist of verbal abuse, Such as afflicting destructive hurtful criticism at me, Such as online (sometimes in person) physical threats towards me, Then, Immediately after I confront them, About the truth of their other wrongdoings towards me since they’re too insecure to admit it, They’ll always somehow “justify” it such as saying or directly implying that it was “my fault” for being “annoying”, Instead of acknowledging it is not my fault, Instead of offering me a step by step path to improve my interpersonal awareness, Because they’re also unaware but just have been privileged to have more confidence in themselves, Since they did not have a label regarded as less than “typical”, Since they did not respond to adversity as sensitively, Since letting go of bullshit came with far less difficulty, Not because they disciplined themselves down an awareness healing path, But since it just came easier.. Since they were not innately as vulnerable to developing the same level of vulnerability..

So I’ll unintentionally remind them of the parts they don’t like about themselves, Because I was born with more vulnerability to developing and suffering in those places.. And therefore they can’t stand it, and I ESPECIALLY can’t stand it, but lucky for them they were less vulnerable and therefore developed and carry less of it such as insecure obsessive bullshit,

And they therefore have an easier time sustaining paying attention in a productive direction such as looking for a good work environment with needed benefits, While my low confident feelings and harder to control mind obsessively gets distracted away into obsessive holes making it so much harder to find work, To find a good group of people who will enjoy my company the same as I enjoy theirs when they’re not being unconscious judgmental dickheads just to feel better about their ego selves by running away from an insecure feeling my anxious obsessive social energy is unintentionally largely resurfacing in them,

In a nutshell, If I successfully clear most of my inner hell, I would obtain and maintain a self-sustaining life quite well,

Why I’m not, Is not because of “laziness”, But my many years of unintentionally cultivated damaged confidence and insecurity permeating my already challenged paying attention ability making me more susceptible to my ego wanting to obsessively compensate through excessive perfectionist goals that my ego must “get out of the way” so everything is “properly in place” before I focus all my attention on getting enough work and skills to adequately maintain financial self-sustaining adult living..

And my mind will unconsciously gravitate towards these wasteful obsessive goals since it unconsciously does not have the confidence to survive facing it’s fears due to innate vulnerability, creating low confidence, and whatever other reasons I’ve mentioned already, and whatever other reasons there are that perpetuate this painful tendency,

If I didn’t have these inner obstacles, If I didn’t develop these egocentric counterproductive expectations, If I didn’t so easily get sucked into these obsessive compulsive whirlpools, Finding full-time work would be so much LESS work, Finding work and keeping the job could be EASY!! Yes!!

If all my unintentionally unconscious cultivated inner distractions just evaporated, Clearing my awareness to pursue helping myself and helping solve real issues that MATTER, I would be functioning extremely better,

As I would guess.. Unlike most others privileged to not be as vulnerable to labels, irrational low-confidence, mistreatment, anxiety and OCD, For me, This is an example of how I was less-privileged clearly,

No.. I don’t mean to sound overly-entitled, But the more I learn the causes of my struggles, I believe, The more I can help prevent them from recurring in myself, as well as helping prevent them from developing in others, Such as by helping with and developing my ability at writing or listening,

And since I guess I’m becoming more aware of my struggles, I guess I have clearer vision on how to better heal, or mitigate, What I’m dealing with that I hate, But clear vision can blur if I’m not careful, And regarding maintaining important paying attention, Unfortunately I still struggle,

Of course as my awareness changes, such as whether it progresses or regresses.. my writing shows it, At least as for feeling clearer to be with the inevitable easier, Well.. I don’t know if it’s becoming easier,

However, I appreciate that, Unlike my “autism” label says about me, Right now in this moment, In my own good, important way, Pertaining to what I have and continue to experience, I’m presently, clearly seeing, the “big picture”

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