I don’t totally feel I know what genre of writing may most accurately describe this, but I feel that:
If pain is “required” for good writing then I prefer to have nothing good to write about, If pain is required for good expression, then I wish to have nothing good to express, Regardless of the “rewards”, pain I don’t want to continue to, or ever have “had to” experience, I don’t believe that pain is “required” anyway,
I don’t believe there’s one “required” way to open, attain wisdom or inwardly discover,
I know I wrote about this thought before, However, I wanted to make it clear for myself to remember, That in my belief, anyone can learn and open without pain forcing them to..
Because pain being a “requirement”, according to me, is wrong, is negative.. since the word PAIN, to me, is not positive, but means “PAIN”, as straight to the point, or as straight to the meaning of the word as can be.. since the definition (or one clear definition) is in the one syllable word itself based on how I see,
I think I can still learn and have learned from pain, Pain has forced me to try to change, Such as how I inwardly respond to what I cannot change, And such as how I respond to what I cannot obtain, Primarily so I don’t give myself more pain,
One example of what I cannot change might be some truth to my label..? A comforting belief I have is that “autism” is not the “true me”.. But aside from rambling about my present beliefs regarding spirituality, However much truth about me the label may entail,
All that matters is working with what I have..
Such as trying my best WHILE expecting less and less to make more and more room for acceptance, Yes I also previously wrote about this.. Yet once again, I’m struggling the same way I often have been,
If the present is most important, Then however I’m labeled.. does not matter.. Even if my label says one monumental struggle I have is “paying attention to the present”, Since I am still doing all I can at reducing suffering in my present,
I don’t mean to preach it’s just how I’m currently interpreting it,
Since paying attention for me is regarded as “more challenging”, And since my greater tendency to emotional “sensitivity” or “fragility” such as anxiety interferes with my already challenged paying attention ability, Therefore adding to my propensity to pay attention additionally LESS clearly, And since knowing I have been labeled with all these obstacles adds an even larger obstacle (or obstacles) in total, sucks my already damaged confidence into an even deeper and darker whirlpool,
In other words (I guess), I came into this physical form with innate vulnerability, Then had bad experiences, Then labels, Then more bad experiences (which my sensitivity level considers bad experiences), And when that happens, (logically speaking according to me), the lack of confidence snowballs.. And I then get scared and paranoid, I lose sleep, then will more likely take medication, then worry about needing medication because of side-effects, then I lose more and more sleep..
And I guess it is shown in my writing such as with all my anxious analyzing, disclaiming, parentheses, and how I keep saying I GUESS!!?
Does this seem accurate? To me.. YES!!!!
The paying attention REQUIRED for experiencing what’s considered a life “worth living”, Makes me feel like, Most who have LESS paying attention struggles than me, Which is seemingly (according to me) most of the world’s population that I’ve encountered, Seems to have greater capability at living more fulfillingly, Unless my capability to speed up my paying attention ability (in this case) is faster than a typical capability to speed up, I may have hope of arriving at the same place at the same speed of those on a “typical” track, And I would prefer being “typical” for basic reasons such as feeling less isolated.. obviously unless I’m atypically GIFTED,
Instead of “slow”.. Because if I’m slow I’ll be more gullible and easily manipulated by powerful unintentionally impulsive hypocrites, And I don’t mean to dismiss those who are mentally or atypically challenged or “disabled” but I guess I just wish experiencing what I presently wish to experience felt easier..
So even if I’m somehow less “capable”, maybe there’s still some way, my life can be reasonably joyful? We most probably have so much undiscovered capability that we’re capable of discovering for facilitating and advancing this present conscious manifestation in which we’re inhabiting, also known to me as “life”..
If everything is impermanent then so is happiness, So I guess it’s a waste to just focus my attention on a “better” impermanent future.. Of course I’ll still try to make feeling better last longer and longer, Yes.. I would definitely prefer it last FOREVER!! If I need to know pain in order to understand pleasure that does NOT mean I need to EXPERIENCE pain or torture (according to me..), At least I wish to know that pain isn’t a requirement since the socially awkward (like my present self) may be victims of wrong judgment, And once again..
Because of the word itself, A reason of mine for not wanting it, Is evident..
Welp, Maybe I’m wrong about everything..?I still wish, That there may be some truth that might be helpful in my writing even though it may not contain as fancy stories and as unpredictable rhyming and puns.. And since I may not be as straight to the point to be honest, And may there always be more to learn so existence stays fascinating and so there’s no painful pressure to “securely” know or understand everything.. Even though I’m not perfect with words, I hope what I expressed here is clear enough, And for those who will always believe pain is good and “necessary”, I feel that I have had MORE THAN ENOUGH but life and assumptions and judgment and decisions, causes and explanations will go on..
And I’ll end with my belief that, Aside from wisdom we may possibly attain from pain, I think that we can also open and discover infinitely clearer, With no pain required.. or at least reasonably less..
However, Pertaining to afflicting excessive or great pain, I believe we can and must way better refrain, Since in order to become more advanced, I think it may help if we simultaneously become more empathic or humane, And as for me, I believe, I think my beingness comprises way more, My beingness describes way more, Then a mere autistic “spectrum”.. And once again.. I do NOT believe pain is the ONLY way to exist in our present best way, Developing ourselves with less pain, Is a practice we can gradually facilitate, improve upon and sustain, If pain and gain were to mutually depend on each other, or.. If pain and gain were to inevitably invariably positively correlate, Then the more I try to gain out of life, The more pain for (especially) myself I’ll create, And the more of life I’ll therefore, Hate, It’s not just gain without pain, and not just pain required for gain.. but I just also believe that, we can also open, discover, become and find whatever ways of improving and existing clearer with higher ability and capability, without pain as a necessity,
As for me lastly, I hope for gain, With less pain, More gain, With, Less pain
And not to sound arrogant, But sometimes I can’t stand that, If I didn’t have so much inner demons holding me back, I’d be so much farther along a meaningful track..
If I didn’t have all these inner obstacles inhibiting me, That’ll make room for my attention, To fly off in a far more productive direction and consistently remain clear and focused on what will help me far more than me pointlessly working selfishly obsessively compulsively to try and eradicate insecurity all due to MY excessive perfectionist expectation,
So in that sense, If I were to have less inner painful obstacles, I would have more openness and room for sustaining awareness, To gain far more, Out of this present physical experience, As for less thought confusion and disorganization pain, I wish and believe that, There’s always a shorter and clearer way to try to explain whatever I try to express or explain, such as less and clearer terms, less and clearer syllables, for more infinitely understanding to be easier and quicker attained with infinitely continual and infinitely consistently less and less pain with more and more gain..
Although it may never be “all or nothing”, I still wish for less pain with more gain.. Since bad decision may be easier in the short run but lead to greater pain in the long run, I want it to be easier to be more consistent at good decision making in order for attaining and sustaining less suffering, I want to attain more with less pain, I want to obtain and maintain more with less pain, I want less pain, more gain..
I can start small, With less resistance and more acceptance of the mundane, With more consistent inward inner physical-emotional checking in and detaching, So thoughts settle and reduce while becoming everlastingly shorter, clearer and of more importance,
I want less pain, More to attain, maintain, And gain for my safety especially.. Everyone’s ideally..
If I had a lot of typos in this, it’s because of me not disciplining myself to go to sleep, Sorry if I tried and failed tonight, But I’ll keep going