Still Accountable

(Disclaimer: Although I have been having more technical difficulties than usual, and still struggle understanding and navigating through my usage of WordPress.com, even though I feel like I’ve been working too much harder than smarter, I’m still accountable.. Like virtually all my posts (I think?), there’s still so much work that needs to be done, which I’m still accountable for.. And if the technology somehow screwed up what I intended to say.. I’m still accountable.. Well, my writing is open to infinite interpretations that may expand in infinite directions. I always try to keep that as my intention.) 

Although it may be understandable why we screwed up, We must still be held peacefully accountable, for civil organization to remain sufficiently stable, So me obsessively busting my balls to re-film juggling videos to capture a feat on video that may take weeks, if not months, of video takes, wearing different but “proper” clothes, all to compensate for my damaged bullied ego, is still no excuse to not look for work, So I must remain strong and move forward, even while carrying obsessive compulsive painful inner dark forces, I still have to journey through the application and rest of the process, I must face the risk of deception and be as careful as I can to NOT give my information to those with bad, cruel intentions, Because, I’m still accountable,

Regardless of what is weighing me down internally that has unconsciously contaminated me once again while in quarantine isolation,  I’m still accountable,  To give forth in a way, truest to me, that I view as most helpful,

If I don’t keep my word, may you choose how to properly hold me accountable, for the betterment of myself and all that remains what most consider as “civil”,

I’ll learn to the extent whether I can and can’t trust your discernment at holding me accountable,  Will what you do be healing and helpful? Or will it be more punishment that furthers my emotional and physical inner detriment?  I’m trying to stay accountable even with all the ways I struggle,  At least by posting this poem I got some commitment done,

Also, Please don’t do me any unneeded, unasked for favors just so you can guilt-trip me later, Maybe that’s not your intention now, But when that insecurity hits you, Trying to feel better by stepping on me, Will be easy, But hurting me won’t make you feel better everlastingly, Based of off my understanding, It won’t heal the cause of your suffering, It’ll just cover it up temporarily as you pass it on to me, And we’ll therefore be out of alignment with our accountability of spreading less pain in our community,

So how we treat each other and ourselves, Since it has an effect, I hope we’re all still held by others and ourselves, adequately empathically accountable, When writing, my inspiration may make me lose sleep, it may make me become less focused on a job I and others depend I keep, so I’m still accountable,

And,  There may be an infinite number of reasons why people try and fail at properly holding others accountable, But we’re still accountable,

Although I don’t feel close to the best, I’m trying the best I know how while remaining accountable, And still wishing as I try, To feel more internally comfortable, To feel more helpfully functional,

Regardless, I’m still accountable,

Although I can get so unintentionally obsessively irrational that can pointlessly magnify my struggle, I’m still accountable,

You can laugh and be judgmental, or helpfully acknowledge me in the painful obsessive mental insecure struggle,

It’s fine to laugh if you find my posts humorous when I’m trying to be serious, I ain’t the “robot laugh police”, But, We’re still accountable,

For the next time I’m a victim of someone’s wrong assumption causing others to have similar wrong assumptions.. For the next time I’m a victim of a wrong assumption chain reaction, I’ll ask the perpetrators, To try having “Asperger’s Syndrome”, And if they assume I’m trying to avoid trouble by “playing victim”, I’ll try NOT to selfishly cause harm to the remaining civilized system, Even if they reject me and my type of autism, Since I’m accountable at being helpful, Not selfishly over-emotional at the expense of others safety according to my present beliefs regarding moral accountability,

But I’ll also remain civil for, My own safety of those who view accountability with a judgmental brutally punitive mentality, For my own safety of those who want to determine how I’ll be held accountable, Who completely don’t truly know me, unless they somewhat do and are attempting to feel better about themselves by feeling control over me by hurting me, Due to their desperate need of feeling in control by afflicting their dominance of me,

Yes.. We’re morally accountable, And to me, our choices impact the degree and the means we chose to remain civil,

Right now, It’s obvious, I’m still accountable,

If anyone tells me I want too much attention, I’ll tell them I’m accountable to exercise my freedom of expression,  That as I been told,  People died for, Such as in the American Revolution, American Civil War, and Second World War, 

As well as union organizers, who died for democracy in the workplace, etc, etc, Yes, reading more history and better backing up my claims I know I’m accountable for,

And yes.. although in many ways I’m a privileged straight cisgender white manchild, Although I do NOT mean to disregard any other secret oppression,  I still have a right to expression that does NOT cause pain or oppression, As long as I’m NOT advocating for violence, I have a right to expression, But I’m morally accountable, For that expression to be helpful, Not hurtful,

By law I can say whatever I want since once “exception” as for taking away freedom of expression may lead to another and another out of imbalanced fear, But please hear, That I know I’m still morally ACCOUNTABLE for my expression to NOT be hurtful,

As for any American wars and union activism, I OBVIOUSLY wasn’t there nor am I a historian (I know you know..), However.., Regardless of what they were actually fighting for,  I’m accountable to honor what I was told was their intention,  In this case,  By giving back through my privilege of free expression, No matter how hard people attack me with their hurtful chain reaction wrong assumptions, misunderstandings or misperceptions, Hate, division and misinformation is NOT my intention,

If anyone views my writing as “wanting excessive attention”, and/or view my posts as me “shaming others for assuming I was just writing for excessive attention, as a way to fool them into giving me more attention..” or if others believe thoughts such as, “he just calls it ‘free expression’ to hide his excessive desire for attention”..  I can’t change their beliefs about me but must accept that there will always be another assumption, Since, I’m still accountable, To remain civil, So I must prepare myself for myself and all else in the battle,

Yes, It’s a struggle,

In my opinion which is accountable to remain humble (even though I struggle), With infinite progress may come infinite criticism, With my bullying history and high level emotional reactivity, Such as what greatly reinforced my frequent painful assuming of what others may or may not be assuming about me, Not harmfully reacting to others cruel assumptions or deliberate disrespect is far from easy, 

But I’m still accountable, At consistently practicing behavior, That is civil,

And although giving forth is something that I’m held accountable, I’m accountable to remember my free rights of doing that in a way that for me is reasonably comfortable,

I’m still getting more consistent at regaining responsibility, I’m still accountable, Regardless of how my labels have affected me,

And since in my opinion, Freedom of expression, Is a good intention, We’re accountable to NOT abuse it or others with it, We’re accountable to try to use that right in any way that is necessary to improve ourselves and all society for example,

Somehow, I’m still accountable,

If you (meaning others) try to make me feel guilty to the point of doing something too fast and too far out of my comfort zone.. If you try to make me feel guilty into going into the pain zone, You may or may not be held accountable.. but I just hope our judgment, punishment and process of holding anyone “accountable”, Is just,  less brutal, Since being civil, In my opinion, Was intended to reduce suffering, And although civilization may feed off of suffering, We’re accountable, Especially speaking to and for myself, To make existing, For all beings, More helpful,

It’s a struggle, I have been very hypocritical, But in my opinion, Preaching to myself, I’m still accountable,

Even if we’re too far from being perfect at it, We’re still accountable, To not give up, Hence it’s WORSE to NOT try than to frequently F up,

If you steal my writing, I’ll REALLY try to not wish you harm, but instead I’ll try to hope that you’re properly held accountable, To AVOID afflicting more pain and judgment on your struggle,  Hence for me, I doubt that would teach me, And it wouldn’t show me needed empathy to regain my good civil humanity,

Regardless of bad luck such as getting my creativity stolen, I’m still, Morally, Accountable,

No matter who I take orders from, In whatever type of government, organization, institution or sector, I’m accountable for staying alert and aware, To embody freedom, For making work, Work better,

I still feel I give people the respect they deserve yet those same people don’t return it yet I’m still accountable, Because if I lose self-control, The pain from others who would “hold me accountable” would just add more shit to my emotional shithole..

When trapped in an environment that treats you like shit,  and knowing if you lose it you’ll just get more shit, For me, I STILL can’t suppress all of it, And it’ll come out eventually, even if unexpectedly, So I’m forced to commit,  to letting shit go, Because if I don’t, I’ll just wind up in a deeper and deeper shithole as I clearly know, And I’ll just contribute to the toxic excessive fearful “snowball”, or in this case, “shitball effect” of brutal control,

I guess it would be, Control that’s brutal due to excessive fear of society becoming brutal and uncivil, Yet this fear causes “civil” society to become uncivil due to the brutality of control.. I think? So how we develop ourselves in response to emotions like fear, We must be held accountable, For more to remain and obtain a state of being that’s civil but ALSO peaceful,

I guess, How we develop our emotions, Influences our decisions, And all our decisions together,  influence the world we live in, Right?

However, Whatever institution or situation I may become further trapped in, I’m still accountable, Since my decisions may still impact those around me, Assuming my ability to make conscious decisions has not become impaired from those who tried to hold me accountable, For example..?

Since I tend to react to the emotions of others with excessive or “hypersensitivity”, I may be more tempted to try and block out the emotions including empathy,  that are weighing on me, And when I try that, Others may ASSUME that I was born “heartless” even though they know NOTHING about my experience, And even though I’ve been for a long time, Absolutely sick of this, I’m still held accountable to remain peaceful, But if I suppress it, That’s not being peaceful internally, And since it may explode out of me eventually, I have to literally feel peaceful to remain peaceful internally to stay as peaceful as I can externally, And I guess the less internal peaceful individuals there are in society, How can we expect to sustain “peace and stability”? You don’t need to judge, lecture and coach me, I’ve had more than enough already, Well.. I guess if I’m being a hypocrite, Please, Please EMPATHICALLY help me fix it,

Once again,  What’s internal, Seems to be foundational, So as for being accountable, I guess it starts internally..?

I’m still curious if the individual(s) who wanted to cheaply give my mom morning sickness medication instead of an IV felt, are feeling or will feel any sense of accountability for the vulnerability they gave me, to the pain that has shaped me? What about their accountability!? And those who tried to conveniently place me in a special school, And those who deliberately made me upset in a mainstream school,               that made me feel like a “fish out of water” in its MAIN inhabitable stream as it’s most conducive option for its most appropriate development, What’s their sense of moral accountability history regarding what they did to me?  Or anyone who has wronged me?

And I sure did learn a lot about the mainstream, And I’m accountable, To channel my emotions in a way that’s helpful, So my type of experiences and worse experiences occur less and less in others,

Although a lot just felt too unfair, I’m still accountable, To heal myself, So I’m better suited to heal what is more than my individual physical manifestation, Yes.. that’s in my opinion..

I wish being accountable felt less dreadful and more self-improving, peaceful and beneficial.. There’s lots of hard pills I’m sometimes forced to swallow, 

The more I struggle fitting in, the more I focus on myself but I’m still accountable to be selflessly helpful,

And due to my creative freedom privilege and opportunity, I’m also accountable to NOT rush creativity so it finishes as better quality,

My accountability list is in infinite directions that continue infinitely,

Who in the insurance industry wanted to save money and not give my mom an IV but instead cheaply prescribe her medication when she was pregnant with me!!? Who!!? Who!!? What’s their accountability!!? Tell me the whole true story!! Don’t give up integrity!!

Regardless of my assumptions towards you, look what you did to me!!?

What’s your accountability given your responsibility!!? I’m trying to stay civil!! I’m trying!!

I’m accountable to not expect too much, Because if I expect too much I think my peace and happiness will selfishly depend on far too much, And since I’ll be so focused on myself, With others, I’ll emotionally lose touch,

Since early childhood tests told me I have a “good memory”, Since nothing pertaining to memorization has really inspired me, I can share stories, Depicting the importance of accountability, Due to my accountability as a believer in FREEDOM, To morally hold accountable those who find the loopholes, Those who avoid being accountable,

Lastly, Although once again having developed in me brutal OCD, Which has re-grew in me during this pandemic..  Remaining focused on work is hard, I wish it was easier.. And yes, I’m well aware that I’m still accountable,

Thank you,

If you want to make more mean assumptions, Or mal-intended loosely based conclusions, I’ll try my best to remain civil, Hence I’m still aware, That I’m, 

Still

Accountable

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