I need clear and efficient communication,
To avoid catastrophic situations,
I had just typed a new rhyme for my rhyme document,
And while copying and pasting it to form it into a poem..
I somehow lost it,
And I’m upset over it..
Huhh..
I need clear, concise, efficient, empathic,
aware communication,
Or whatever needed form of expression,
I feel lots of power that is possible in me, yet is still fearfully suppressed in me,
Not that I’m “special” or “exceptional” in a good, special or exceptional way..
However..,
I believe I feel lots of capability in me that is not being utilized which might be helpful for me and others..
I feel a great lack..
I feel that too much is passing me by..
I feel that I understand a lot of my problems,
Yet after posting this,
I feel I’ll STILL experience the same if not worse problems,
After posting this,
I feel I’ll still experience,
Problems that I understand the causes of and how to prevent..
Largely because of bad experiences that have made me feel I’ll NEVER be truly confident..
And I’m upset that when cutting and pasting that rhyme from one of my rhyme documents to another newly created “Untitled document”.. I lost it.. because I must’ve accidentally (obsessively) cut and pasted one other word for part of the intended title that read “Clear” .. which obliterated all those other words I tried to cut and paste..
and when I clicked the “redo” option .. well it just wasn’t there except for the word “clear”..
For one,
When I arrived home from work a week or so ago..
I was feeling “out of it” and dropped my Iphone which fell flat on the pavement.. and even though I had a robust IPhone case,
The phone did not land on any edges,
But flat on it’s back at an angel precisely parallel to the pavement ..
Causing me to crack my screen AGAIN,
Causing me to feel even more like a loser and an incompetent idiot..
If that word description is insufficiently efficient,
I still hope I sufficiently clearly described it..?
And even when typing this document just now,
while all fingers were off my phone keyboard,
I realized the cursor started backspacing and deleting my first draft that was then over 260 words..
And right after I created this new document,
I saw the green cursor of my account appear that was supposed to indicate I was logged in on another device.. such as my laptop..
Yet I remember being signed out and having been disconnected from the internet,
And since I’ve had my dad sign in to my account here and there for helping me with non-writing related technical computer stuff, I asked him and he was also signed out.. so there was no hacking in his computer either..
But since this is a newly created document that I just now created on my IPhone..
How could I be “signed into that same document” on another device!!?
I really hope there’s no breach of security..
I’d guess I’m just paranoid again..
Because I have had lots of bad experiences that still unconsciously blow my level of fear out of proportion.. aside from medication complications, sleep deprivation and thought disorganization..
I don’t mean to cause worry to others,
But I’m frustrated that the “big picture” is not clear thanks to my cognitive learning and emotionally challenged condition which causes detriment to my present judgment..
Which causes me to continuously work way HARDER instead of SMARTER because I’m less aware ..
And the more I’m aware of how my lack of awareness is filling me with great existential daily complications and distress..
The more I suffer,
The less hope I have in attaining and sustaining NEEDED confidence for SURVIVAL and safety from disaster or whatever trouble (also because the word “trouble” rhymes with “survival” and helps out the flow.. as I’m guessing.. you.. KNOW..),
To cope,
To get my needs met,
The more clear and efficient my expression is,
The more likely others will understand me,
I can only do my best,
And the levels others accept or reject me remains their decision,
Even if I’m rejected by the world’s most rejected rejects,
I’ll still,
STILL have hope that the pain will pass and I will NEVER again have as brutal of a past,
Even if I’m excessively paranoid,
And even if the writing I just wrote may still be found somewhere that I’m presently not aware of.. well .. it is an “impermanent attachment” which I believe is not key to my most important, or, more true “enlightenment”..
And to paraphrase my friend based off of my past present interpretation of how I understood what he said,
Even if I “lose a thought or creative idea or creative manifestation forever”,
The truth may still “manifest in me later”,
In a way that is much deeper,
And clearer,
In a way I never expected in that present moment prior,
If I truly have lost my initial rhyme stanza or bar forever,
Writing this post has been a silver lining,
Which I’m grateful,
For finding,
And after turning on my computer,
Then connecting to the internet,
It still says I’m “signed out”,
So did someone really hack into my account?
I don’t know,
But I still remember that someday..
As I have before,
I’ll will let go,
Such as right now,
After copying and pasting it from my Google docs to WordPress.com..
While re-reading before posting it,
I hope after clicking “upload”,
That this post reads the way I intended it..
Well right now I’m still typing on my phone,
And my means of posting my writing are varying..
But as for letting go,
I think aside from understanding it..
Luckily,
I think I might be improving at it
?
If I emotionally break and lose it forever due to others trying but failing to help me by breaking me even harder to the point where I’ll NEVER be able to be built back up stronger,
To the point I’ll NEVER (if not even in the slightest) recover..
Well..
If I however lose it to the point of never again being able to fully heal it..
Someday,
In some future present,
I wish for it to remain,
Easier,
Or at least,
Less painful,
I feel that to not only be thinking or feeling that’s “wishful”,
But needed,
And,
Practical,
Lastly I’ll just say that,
If you have a problem,
With my level of autism,
I’m STILL RESPONSIBLE,
To be respectful to you,
Since it’s not just about this single physical manifestation of me,
I still wish for this pain to reduce,
As I believe it will,
Eventually
Zach Dana Writing 