(Disclaimer: Since I just realized in my previous post that when copying and pasting my writing from my Google Docs to wordpress.com, I don’t have to spend so much time going through my poem and organizing them into stanzas the way they are in my Google document, but instead of clicking “paste” I can just click “paste as plain text” so it’s all ready to post.. And wow.. my obliviousness, inefficiency, learning challenges and unawareness makes me miss out on so much of what I can experience.. It’s painful realizing how long I take to catch on.. because I could’ve gotten so much more meaningfulness out of present experience over the years.. Bad experience and insecurity has really inhibited my ability to see clearly and experience any experience far more appreciatively.. Riiight!?)
According to me,
It is “good to be weird”,
As long as you do NOT cause pain,
As long as you do NOT cause discomfort to others,
It is good to be a hero,
As long as it does NOT lead to you giving the pain you experienced to others..
The purpose of your choosing to be a hero,
Was to prevent that same level of pain from happening to others,
Yes I know I’m preaching..
Speaking in my present,
It is especially SADISTIC,
If you are someone,
Who has experienced the most pain presently imaginable,
And make others feel guilty for not experiencing it,
To make them go through it so you can try to feel better about yourself,
Instead of helping prevent,
What you experienced,
Occurring to them,
Because the pain you experienced,
Would not have helped prevent that same level of pain from occurring again,
Regarding this post,
I don’t know who will get unreasonably offended,
if I say,
I can NOT trust their actions adequately aligning with their words..?
When I think of those who I feel to have “great insight”,
At the same time,
I have fears of them possibly having a dark-side,
Which gives me sadness and paranoia that keeps me awake at night,
In my belief,
It is frightening!!
Words that are just not internally arising in me now,
Since I’m so worried others will accidentally or deliberately (or both or whatever..) take what I say out of context,
Then spread their hateful messages about me to others who I never met before,
Due to what I titled this post,
To some degree you might’ve seen this coming..
Sometimes when you do a lot of good,
People still get angry at you if you avoid trouble like a civilized person..
Sometimes people guilt trip you instead of taking steps to let go of their misfortunes,
Giving you “survivor’s guilt” for something you COMPLETELY did NOT cause,
You may just feel it in the energy..
Sometimes people believe they know you better than you do,
Making you feel that they “literally see transparently in you”..
Maybe someone reading this may say..
“SPEAK FOR YOURSELF!!”
Even though my writing does surface out of what I understand as “my self”..
Sometimes my emotions get out of balance due to assuming the other person is dismissing me, yet that same person (or people) will still reprimand me dismissively..
Still going at it..
Still going at it..
I hope for no written errors,
No one who takes out of context what I meant to type then slanders me,
Causing an infinite number of people to hate me,
With that hate growing infinitely in the infinite number of individuals who hate me..
I guess that since I believe we all change,
Those who may assist me in any of my future potential “success”,
Will one day hate me?
My happiness unexpectedly has become distress,
I’d personally guess,
Chatting far below or above the surface is often considered,
That is based on social settings I’ve been in,
Speaking from my level of past/present total awareness perception..
I KNOW RIGHT!!!?
I guess writing my feelings out on paper is ONE way to safely heal painful emotions..?
If I one day do not have access to any means of producing any hard copied expression..
If I can’t write, type..
If I have no access to express what I feel a need to..
I feel that,
I’m STILL RESPONSIBLE for healing parts of me to help the most I can for myself and whoever else in the community,
And I hope to NEVER be surfacely judged and I hope to,
NEVER be tortured by the holders of my ACCOUNTABILITY,
Some may read this,
And still not take this seriously..
That’s not just “weird”..
That is INFURIATING,
It’s easy to just dismiss what we don’t understand,
Such as saying “WEIRD RIGHT”..
I do NOT feel that’s right..
And even though I can’t understand everything,
Frequent dismissing with ZERO frutifully analyzing or introspecting will eventually feel very WRONG,
I don’t mean to be hurtfully judgmental..
I just get disgusted with myself and plenty of those I encounter,
What I feel internally about myself,
Shapes how I view all else..
I still try to keep it together..
Even when it feels like the pain will last forever..
I have hope the pain will at least reduce..
which is obvious.. Right!!?
I can feel free from it permanently and it’ll just come back unexpectedly which is freakin’ annoying..
I know Right!!?
Yeah and for the times in this post when I used the two word question: “Weird Right!!?”
I just wanted to express frustration..
Because instead of saying “weird right”.. I could’ve analyzed..
Such as saying people act dismissive and cruel towards each others,
Due to the inner pain they’re carrying due to their past life experiences.. So it’s truly not ultimately what “we’re doing”..
It’s just that those who verbally cause suffering to others are emanating their own suffering..
But I still find it sad,
Since it’s often occuring..
It’ll be at least “alright”..
I just wanted to end on a good note..
To feel a little better..
“Sounds about right”..