Performance Anxiety

(Disclaimer: I get paranoid easily, so if my facts are off, that paranoia is what impinged my awareness..)

If I’m repeating a lot of this,
Well, as I say,
It’s still what I’m continuing to struggle with,
So I’ll continue writing about it:

Since traumatic social experiences, such as being cruelly judged by others gave me great fear of judgment,
Since my excessive fear of judgment got me cut from the middle school, freshman and JV baseball team after hours and hours of training,
And since excessive fear of judgment during any live performing,
Whether it’s juggling, writing, or anything,
Inhabits my awareness,
Hence,
Immensely inhibits my ability even regardless of how much I’m aware of this,
Then that atypically large performance anxiety that others cannot emphasize with to nearly the same degree since they didn’t experience it nearly as bad as me, Those others who function emotionally and cognitively typically, or those who are “normal”, end up receiving the wrong impression of me,
Which is VERY BAD for me,

I therefore chose to share what I created in solitude,
Whether it is what I got on video after filming for hours and hours,
Or a completed blog post,
Whether it’s the first draft or whatever revision number,

My writing shows the sides of me,
What I feel,
I can NOT get most others to see,

Unfortunately,
Due to valuing my worth on comparing myself to others,
My ego compulsively wants to be “better” than MANY others in the clearest way possible,

Since writing is largely judged subjectively,
Juggling more objects than most people are presently able to,
Is a way I’ve tried to validate my ego,
In a “clearer” or “more certain” way,

Although,
For me,
Writing is WAY more fulfilling,
Writing is WAY, WAY more gratifying,
Writing makes my life feel more worth living,
Since a big intention is sharing what I believe may be healing,
Or somehow positively contributing,

Yes,
If my ego writing expectations blinds my awareness,
I’m sorry,
However,
You may STILL see through this,
I still hope you have patience,
Or empathy,
Which I believe may always help everybody,

I lost interest in juggling,
But my OCD,
That instructs me,
To spend hours recapturing video clips that may take me months of attempts,
If not longer..
In order to do the trick just “properly”,
With wearing different clothes,
Due to body figure insecurity,
Due to counterproductive inefficient perfectionism,
Due to wanting to be “better than others”,
Since I’ve always felt inadequate due to my label..
Due to my culture that seemingly, ideally believes in selflessness,
Yet seems to largely succumb to the opposite of this regardless of how aware we are of this when succumbing to this,
Hence,
I also got greatly sucked in,
to the tempting ego excess,

Which is a reason why I STILL have not tried hard enough to get my short stories published,
Which is a reason why I STILL do not have a full time job,
Which is a reason why I’m STILL a virgin and have never been in a relationship..
Largely,
Because with my issues,
I don’t feel that I’ll be meaningfully present,

Although I’m more used to it,
Although I try to prepare myself for it since getting upset won’t make me feel easier,
Being cruelly misjudged, scolded, reprimanded, talked to aggressively sarcastically, threatened physically,
And it would NOT surprise me if many at some point have grown into large rumors?
Being cruelly misunderstood by others who have been BLESSED to NOT have nearly as bad of learning and social/emotional challenges, leading to bullying and causing them to develop BRUTAL insecurity and as a result of desperately leading to “overcompensation”, creating a PAINFUL IRRATIONAL obsessive compulsive condition,
Does make me want to KILL others who I SURFACELY JUDGE as having it “easy”,
However,
The judgment, regardless of how deep or elaborately “justified”,
that I have sometimes perpetuated,
Even in poems I’m glad to have NOT posted,
Is just one side of me which I’m attaining more awareness of for myself and others’ safety fortunately,

Hence,
Sometimes I get really hateful,
Jealous,
Judgmental,
Hence,
As for staying true to my morals,
I remember I’m still responsible,

Oh well..

And of course,
OCD is my ego’s unconscious attempt at focusing my attention in a direction that is less scary,
Such as addressing issues of “how am I going to live on my own with all my vulnerabilities”?
How am I going to SURVIVE and get hired and/or sustain a needed job with my level of performance or impression ANXIETY and the level others MISUNDERSTAND and just can’t stand me!!?
If others want to use my learning and vulnerabilities against me so they have excessive dominance over me!!?
If others decide to use my anxiety against me instead of helping build confidence in me!!?
If others want to exclude me from their comradery completely!!?
If they excessively fear that my learning and emotional struggles will cause too many problems, if not catastrophe for everybody!!?
Hence,
I can’t control and don’t trust who controls my permanent work record,
As well as job reputation,
Since there’s so much judgment, cruelness and assumption that makes it even harder in addition to struggling to handle my challenges paying attention and fragile emotion,
And those who struggle like me I would guess don’t want to be around others who give off more and more of the same insecurity!!?

The next straw of disrespect may always be the one that’ll easily “break my back” and the instigator may add it to a record that I can’t take back ?

And just because we may both have “autism” does NOT mean we share the same beliefs and experiences!!
So,
I can’t trust those like me anymore than I can trust those who inhabit a less learning and emotionally challenged mentality!!
Hence just because I may emphasize more with those who struggle with the same level of autism,
I’m still very much AGAINST tribalism,
Since in my belief,
it doesn’t heal aggressive judgmental division in the system,
And since my true identity, in my belief, is far deeper, far more than just “autism”,
And also,
With all those against me,
How can I stay motivated to develop deeper and longer lasting compassion and empathy!?

Oh it’s a struggle daily,
It’s a struggle frequently,
In the most present of the present,
In the present that can be broken down in detail microscopically,

Once all the pain and disrespect causes me to hit an emotional breaking point,
How am I going to feel I’ll be at least alright with holders of my accountability who instantly misjudge and possibly oppress me, regardless of the level they’re TRULY trying to help me!!?
Aside from all other reasons for OCD and fears,
I think me having brutal obsessive compulsive insecurity is clear,

Writing is in me,
Obsessive compulsive insecurity inhibits me,

My obsessive ego often says stuff such as I just need to do this “one last juggling trick this way and I’ll be free”,
Yet whenever I feed my irrationality,
It always wants more and more unexpectedly,
And the more I feed it,
The harder and harder it becomes to direct my attention away from it,

I know the more I reinforce rationality,
The more I’ll function rationally,

There’s just been too,
Too much irrational insecurity,
That has become so out of balance in me,

IT’S PAINFUL WHEN I KNOW I’M NOT ACCESSING GOOD SPIRIT THAT I CAN ACCESS TO FILL IN MY PRESENT EXPERIENCE!!

IT’S PAINFUL WHEN I FEEL TRAPPED IN AN OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR DARK HOLE!!

I try and try but,
Although we all have different struggles,
obsessive compulsive behavior just seems to have been and still is one of the painfully greater struggles for me .. ?

IT REALLY DOES LOWER MY CONFIDENCE AND INSTEAD GIVES ME LOTS OF FEAR OF SURVIVAL IN ADDITION TO BRUTAL PERFORMANCE ANXIETY!!

Wow,
I wish I FELT MORE CAPABILITY IN ME!!

I’m still waiting for it to pass,
I’m still just waiting,
Waiting,

At least I’m directing my attention right now,
To writing,

If I don’t understand what is commonly understood,
I think based on my writing,
It should be understood that with all my challenges,
All my built up IRRATIONAL OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE INSECURITY,
What comes easy to many,
Is a HUGE challenge for me,
And aside from all the past examples which I wrote and have not yet disclosed,
I think I explained myself sufficiently clearly,
or understandably,

Similar to what I said in my post titled “Precautionary”,
I struggle with the same tasks,
NOT because I’m “lazy”,
But because of what interferes with me internally to an unusual degree,

If I was NOT weighed down by brutal insecurity,
“OCD”,
past trauma that resurfaces in me causing emotional fragility,
Whatever it is I’m carrying in me..,
I sometimes feel, and have often felt recently that,
I would work so much harder and get promoted EASILY,
And others who don’t have what I have,
Aside from all else that gives them pain,
STILL,
They are in those ways,
As I am in other ways,
DAMN LUCKY,

Hell YES!!
It MAJORLY sucks balls having learning, social, emotional and therefore insecure irrational behavior challenges,
It sucks having others mistreat and oppress you to compulsively try and feel more secure and in control!!
It sucks being the victim of others ego insecurity,
It sucks being more vulnerable in environments where everyone is faced with pain, immense stress, pressure and adversity,

If I express this in online comments, (Probably most..)
Aside from being verbally attacked,
I’ll just be viewed as a “troll”..
Or dismissed as someone who lacks needed self-control,

Another (more predictable in this case) obsessive compulsive challenge I’m grappling with is that,
Since this is my “84th post” aside from some I deleted,
my number of posts is becoming closer to 100,
Hence I’m more tempted to SELL OUT,
To OCD to try and feel better about my “ego self”,

Yet,
I have far MORE than 100 non-posted poems which I filmed and put as a private video on my YouTube channel to validate my insecure ego..
Hence,
my irrational insecure obsessive compulsive inaudible mental voice, or force, ALWAYS irrationally wants more,

But always,
ALWAYS,
Valuing QUALITY of creativity,
more than QUANTITY,
Is staying true to myself,

So I guess,
The quality of my future posts,
may indicate,
If I was aiming for the best quality of expressing myself creatively ?
Or if I was just irrationally looking to compulsively block out insecurity,
By aiming for a number of posts instead of aiming for the quality of my next post.. ?

As always,
I don’t know if and when I’ll make another post,

However,
The more I feed irrationality,
The more I function irrationally,

Yet,
The more I feed rationality,
The more I remain in alignment with my commitment to functioning rationally,
And therefore,
To the best of my present ability,

I know,
RATIONAL spirit remains somewhere in me,

Although writing is not the only healing source or outlet,
It is one way,
I can show less obsessive and insecure,
But more ALIVE,
Spirit

One thought on “Performance Anxiety

  1. Your writing is very important, Zach, because it clearly describes what you are experiencing and feeling. I’ve never read anything that expresses those personal feelings and what you want to achieve so well. I hope you keep on writing, Zach, and let me read it.

    Like

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