Words Can’t Describe

I’m grateful for my parents,
I’m grateful for their understanding, patience and acceptance,
If I had other parents,
I might have had very different feelings and experience,

Yes,
Of course I’m also grateful for plenty other people,
I remember,

As for my parents,
My parents didn’t only give me life, “upper-middle” class food, clothes and shelter needs,
My parents gave me humanity,
They gave me the privilege of not painfully pressuring me to reciprocate equally,

My parents read to me,
They gave me needed attention,
Instead of neglecting me,
Instead of leaving me by myself in front of a toxic TV,

I’m grateful that,
My parents,
Would prefer I pay it forward instead of pay them back,
They make me see the good in me,
While many others misunderstand, attack, abusively judge, hurtfully dismiss, or however harm me,

My parents fought for my needs in school,
Instead of selfishly excessively caring if their friends thought they and their kids were “cool”,
My parents STILL accepted me,
and still did NOT shame me,
When I assumed that,
And when it was implied that,
plenty others felt I was a “fool”,

My parents were my close friends in times when others could NOT or did NOT want to be close or friends,
My parents hold me accountable with empathy,
My parents know how to teach me,
Without excessively emotionally traumatizing me,

My parents,
held accountable the school with courage,
So I could find my courage to utilize any innate advantage,
So my needs were also met,
So what I could offer myself and my community could more likely be a needed adequate benefit,

My parents also helped others in the process of seeking and working towards getting their needs met,
Since we agree many systems are NOT sufficient,
Whether it was my dad in the teacher’s union, doing what he could to hold his students, the school administration, and union accountable,
Or my mom advocating for mental health rights, holding clients, the major drug companies and whoever else accountable,
Although there’s many beliefs, facts, opinions and ongoing struggles,
My parents,
In my belief,
Have done an AWESOME job,
At contributing,
To what I view as,
RIGHT,

When I had bad anxiety,
and more emotional intensity than my typical “more than typical” level of emotional intensity that caused sleep deprivation and grandiose delusion,
Instead of sending me to the hospital,
My parents ensured that,
I took a safe amount of medication,
And regained my sanity,
Through staying in the house and through social interaction,
Yes..
many other family members helped me,
But if I had different parents,
I don’t know what would be the present state of my “sanity”,
I doubt that “Open Dialogue” would have been their approach to what I consider one of my extreme periods of difficulty,

I feel accountable to give forth,
To refrain from inhibiting the obsessive compulsive painful dark force,
To refrain from holding grudges,
That hold my awareness and progress back,

I feel accountable to advocate for myself in ways that are peaceful,
Unless the attack is CLEARLY imminent and physical,

I want to utilize what my parents (yes.. among others) provided for me,
So I can give forth and make my presence feel more truly worthy,

Even though I suffer from “atypically”, worse, learning and emotional challenges,
often regarded by others as “disabilities” however intentional or accidental,
Somewhere in there,
My parents compassionately raised,
cultivated or developed,
GREATNESS,
in me,
GREATNESS,
that I feel I MUST do my best to feel and use in alignment with my integrity to the best of my infinitely present improving capability,

My parents helped me realize that,
I can also be great in my own way,
Same as everybody,

My parents did NOT FORCE me to be who THEY wanted me to be,
Hence I’m GRATEFUL,
That my parents gave me FREEDOM,
In addition to what my country provided me,

And I remember,
That if I had different parents,
If I was in a different class,
If I looked differently,
If I was born with less learning and emotional difficulty,
In this or whatever community, county, state, nation, planet, solar system, galaxy, multiverse, dimension..

However different in the same or whatever location,
I’m grateful that my parents,
facilitated in me,
realizations such as that,

I’M MORE THAN MY EGO, LABEL, INSECURITY, AND INDIVIDUAL HISTORY,

I’ll say it again and again,
If they weren’t my parents,
There’d be a different story,

If they,
Were NOT my parents,
My experience,
May differ,
TREMENDOUSLY,

Instead of being shut down,
Instead of being forced on heavy medication,
Instead of constantly being called mean words in a mean context such as the noun, “clown”,
My parents,
Opened me up,
Showed me what it TRULY means to keep my head up,
My parents,
Realized they did NOT need to beat me down below the ground,
Instead,
My parents,
Peacefully and non-traumatically “built me up”,
In my own words,
Partially so if “worst comes to worst”,
A messed up environment would be less likely to mess me up,

It still may,
But thanks to them,
I’m more prepared for the worst adversity,
Or any environment,
or situation..
that is a huge threat to my safety,

Others may say my parents
“spoiled me”,
were “too nice to me”,
“didn’t push me”,
“should’ve hit me”,
“should’ve yelled more, and louder at me”,
“should’ve ‘disciplined’ me”,
“should’ve gave me more ‘responsibility’”,
“‘should’ve cared less about me ‘not liking them’” (as one older woman said indirectly to me in a YouTube comment thread I created that got way more reaction than I initially expected..),
“should’ve raised me ‘properly’”,
“should’ve loved me more ‘conditionally’”,
“should’ve only ‘respected’ me when ‘earned’”,
“should’ve sent me to a ‘special’ school, the ‘ward’, ‘church’ or the ‘military’”,
“should’ve delt with my ‘misbehavior’ more ‘realistically’”,

However,
Aside from VERY understandable reasons other parents do what I may consider a “bad” job at parenting,
Aside from the DYSFUNCTIONAL world we live in that prevents parents from being the best people and parents they presently can be,
Aside from the truth that I do NOT have kids and do NOT intend to be hard on any other parents,

For all else I didn’t mention that MY PARENTS provided me,
And regardless of how “successful” I was previously, presently, or will be,
And in addition to all others I’m grateful for (obviously),

Regardless of whoever thinks me writing this is “TOO WEIRD”,
“TOO MUCH”, me being “A HUGE SUCK UP”,
or however this way of expressing gratitude towards my parents makes them “TOO UNCOMFORTABLE”, “TOO FAKE”, “COOKIE-CUTTER”,
Regardless of whatever judgments and assumptions others may have towards my parents and me,

I’m also GRATEFUL,
that my parents didn’t “guilt me” or shame me into writing this by calling me an “ungrateful piece of shit” (for example),

Yet,
IF they did,
What I might have to say about them,
May be quite different,

However,
Aside that I have so, so much more to say,
I feel a need to say, As well as express, Much, Much more, In a clearer, and clearer way,

If any method of expression can,
Words can’t describe,
how grateful I am,
For the life my parents,

Blessed me

2 thoughts on “Words Can’t Describe

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