I do NOT condone this, This is just based on past tempting destructive experience:
I’ll drink alcohol to block out my level of autism, I’ll drink to go into my relaxed comfort zone when I fear outcomes of staying possibly too much out of my comfort zone and losing emotional control for example,
I’ll drink alcohol since I have an anxious, learning/emotional challenged condition that most others don’t have, I’ll drink more since I need to take off the edge more, I’ll drink since in my past, Others have viewed edginess or anxiety as weakness,
I’ll drink more to stay on the same social relaxed page easier, I’ll drink to block out the pain I don’t want to experience anymore, Yes.. without foresight of possibly creating more pain in the future.. whether it’s greater imbalanced emotions when sober or severe physical pain.. Since I’m primarily focused on relaxing into the “typical” relaxed social atmosphere, Since I have had enough of feeling like an unwelcome outsider, Since I’m not around enough who want to heal the pain in a way that is healthier since it may take longer, Regardless that the natural healthier good high feeling, May feel unexpectedly, EVEN BETTER!!?
Pertaining back to hopeless recklessness, I’ll drink to block out my intense emotions such as anxiety, which worsens my innate paying attention struggles, which have prevented me from paying attention to what I can appreciate in life..
So for myself and others in the social moment, When drinking to block out as much emotional attention distraction as I can, I’ll be less awkward and uncomfortable, Yet more “with it”, and likeable,
I just need to try harder to take off the edge more to feel “typically” happy or peaceful, And when I don’t feel that it is fair to have to work harder for the same good feeling, I’ll succumb to quick fix methods regardless of future outcomes, Hence in those moments, I’d rather self-destruct than live a life that is “harder” to find feelings of peace and happiness than most others,
When I feel it is not fair that I have to work harder, When I feel that I won’t feel close to as “typically” happy and peaceful as most others under equal conditions, I’ll more likely become destructive and trust that if there is some judgmental deity watching me, They’ll know I tried, And will understand, If I can no longer stand my challenges and want to self-destruct assuming that’s my only presently known way I can find peace and happiness,
So since I tried, I won’t be punished for failing, Just saying..,
Of course since I believe we don’t chose the choices we make, Including choosing how we chose to cultivate inner awareness for better choices, It won’t help if we’re punished for our choices since we didn’t chose them, And since punishment traumatizes instead of teaches.. And since I felt an obsessive need to overthink and explain all that, I’ll drink to silence excessive obsessive compulsive thinking like that, So I’ll be more on the same page with others and not trapped in thought as much..
But NO, I plan to stay here, I know I’m equally accountable to morally handle my behavior, And that my decisions affect others,
These are just some more thoughts I wanted to share, Regarding reasons for my social behavior,
However, It’s getting better,
And at least in my belief, The pain, Won’t be as bad or worse, Forever
Lastly, I may revise this more later.. and since I uploaded it on my iPhone at the moment, the stanzas may read differently on a computer.. but even if this beginning draft is far from perfect, at least I got these thoughts that I wanted to share out there
Zach Dana Writing 