Still With It

I haven’t lost it yet,
I’m trying to stay as safe as possible,
With all I carry due to past and present struggle,

If my inner pain builds so much,
Then if a customer or whoever decides to displace their anger or whatever painful emotion on my since I’m a target others can step on easy,
Causing me to explode and put my present and future in jeopardy,
Well..
I’ve had enough already,
I tried so hard already,

I’m still going regardless,
I’ll never, NEVER give up,
But if one final painful drop,
Causes me to blow up,

Well..
I tried,
And tried,
And tried,
Hard, harder and so much longer..

I know I have more options instead of deciding to be daily brutally respected,
Or exploding and winding up dead,

But well,
I haven’t lost it,

I’m,

STILL WITH IT,

Even though my learning, social, emotional, higher than “typical” challenges and resulting bad experiences make me harder to be adequately typically inner peacefully “with it”,

Well..
I still haven’t lost it,

Not yet,

I’m still with it!!

….

So I wrote the first part of this on break and now I’m back on lunch break..
And as expected in a hectic retail environment with someone with learning disabilities I faced many challenges with patrons and varying micro and sometimes macro aggressions whether it’s because I’m blocking the way or can’t answer questions such as today when one customer aggressively asked me,
“WHERE’S THE GATORADE!?”
and I asked,
“WHERE’S THE GATORADE?” to considerately clarify his question,
And of course he responded with a microaggression by exclaiming..
“YES!!”
And I said,
“Sorry I’m new, you’ll have to ask someone else”,
Then he turned away and shook his head aggressively as I predicted he’d do,
And I said,
“So sorry!”
And he carelessly, angrily ignored me, and although I didn’t have time to know his whole past, present or likely future story,
I still got offended because I felt intimidated and that he was another bully who displaced his painful inner emotional and/or physical place at me,
Since he had a reason,
Since I couldn’t answer his question..

Yes..
MOST LIKELY I’ll encounter varying forms of unexpected and expected aggression,

I know I’m STILL ACCOUNTABLE for giving off energy that’s helpful,
Yet,
When I feel alone in my effort,
Regardless of others true effort,
That just makes it a much more painful effort..

And even though where I work I’ve heard is recently considered to overall be “one of the best retail environments”, Or “one of the best” general work environments I’ll therefore most likely encounter..?
Since I still struggle to handle it,
That makes me immensely fear for my future if I’ll ever find an adequately suitable environment ..

And I don’t want more intense experiences that I feel pressure to write and/or rhyme about,
Because that can easily take me out of the moment and make it more difficult to focus,
Making me an even easier target for a customer to get upset at me..
Since my emotions distract me internally,
Making my imperfections more noticeable,
adding to my inner struggle and making it more likely I’ll lose control..

And well,
At least I haven’t lost it yet,

I’m still in it,
I’m still,

With it

This is only the first draft,
And I just wanted to post this before my lunch break ends,
Because when I go out there,
I never know when it’ll be the end..

Yes at any point it can end,

But I’m still here and will NEVER GIVE UP,

Regardless of the end

2 thoughts on “Still With It

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