Time to Respond

Although now may always be a time to “check in” and “respond” inwardly,
To be more in touch presently,

Still..

When emotional intensity is thrown at me,
if I don’t prepare myself,
it’ll cloud my rational thinking ability,
Or however else cause harm to me,
And/or others (as I said in my last post),
If it spills out of me,
Uncontrollably,
Or it may only harm me,
If the inner toxins that fill in me naturally just kill me..

So yes,
I must respond,
To heal,
To rid myself of destructive energy,
As needed,

Aside from all possible outlets,
That’s a reason I write,
To form sufficient responses,
To which,
I did not have time to reasonably form,
in those painful moments of bullshit,
(In front of however many others),

I write stuff such as these posts,
to later,
respond,
Clearer,
However greater,
In order,
To understand deeper,
To benefit my part of all beingness,
However,

I intend,
To subsequently respond to those past present painful moments,
that occurred on the surface of awareness,
To respond to those moments,
that again were,
shallow and destructive,
Which may have resulted,
from states of internal awareness (or unawareness..),
which were,
shallow and destructive,

For example,
In those types of moments,
I may have been too intimidated,
to clear myself enough for rational thinking,
And responding,
To the irrational intensity that was being thrown from others at me,
Or..
To the irrational energy others immensely dumped onto me,
As an attempt to feel more “in control”,
To feel “more secure”,
By putting me down underneath them,
To try to feel above me,

Regarding responding rationally,
To me,
Taking out their internal pain,
Externally onto me,
doesn’t get to,
Nor heal,
The source(s),
Of their insecurity,

It’s just an attempt to cover it up,
And regardless to the extent they know that subsequent type of “secure” feeling is very impermanent,
They’ll still succumb to the temptation,
to try to make themselves feel better by making me feel like shit,
Since,
Regardless to the extent they’re informed of my diagnosis,
To them it’s still obvious,
That I’m an atypically learning,
and atypically,
emotionally challenged,
easy target,

Even if they can’t put that into words,
They’ll see that I’m a clear, easy target,
Such as how,
In front of others,
I STRUGGLE WITH WORDS,

At least,
in this time I’m writing this,
I have the,
Time to respond,
To my feelings I feel a need to share,
And can therefore,
Better find the words,
With the intention of them possibly opening to infinitely new interpretations that may deepen, or however broaden,
In whatever infinite direction(s),

Yes..
That may have been an excessively worded explanation,
However,
Keeping what I post open to any future generation,
Even if always,
If what I say,
May be helpful in whatever way(s)?
Is my intention,

Still,
If all the time I spend at trying to make my existence “worthwhile” is “all for nothing”,
At least I tried my best,
And I guess,
From whatever experience,
I may have always learned something..?

As for me being an “easy target”,
I know I (at least once) previously said that,
(When, where, and in how many different shared or unshared posts (If being the case(s)).. I forget.)
Yet,
as I say,
Or imply..
As for causes, responses, analysis.. Whatever pertains to,
“What I keep experiencing,
I keep repeating”,
Or somehow continue discussing and form expressions from like this that I clearly intend for sharing,
To try to describe it in a clearer and deeper way than before,
Since (in my belief) there’s infinite new ways of describing,
Which continue in whatever direction infinitely,
Well,
I can always try to repeat my response to the same painful bullshit,
More and more clearly,
For understanding or whatever ways it may benefit me,
Or anybody,
Since although (especially speaking for myself),
we may not always realize and remember it,
We’re not alone in some form of pain,
bullshit,
And I guess,
A benefit of remembering this,
Is that we’ll feel less alone in it,

And I also hope me posting these types of posts help those who struggle similarly to me,
However,
I intend to include and welcome anybody,
And I’ll try to not get sidetracked into the hate,
Yet,
I,
of course,
believe in accountability,

Yesterday at work,
A coworker/supervisor,
who is on average nicer to me,
Still got pissed at me when the boxes on my cart fell over,
due to me stacking them improperly,
Due to inner pain (including NON-work related OCD) that was distracting me..
So he said,
(Essentially..),
“You know you’re not supposed to do it this way yet you still do it”,
And since he also got pissed at me for working “slow” since he was getting blamed (or feared getting blamed (can’t remember exactly..)) for not training me “properly”,
And since he was looking out for me so (once my seasonal period is over) I become a permanent employee,
And since he said “they see” the work I don’t do such as through the cameras,
And since he reminded me as I made clear I agreed that it’s hard to find a job this good,
With this good of long term benefits,

And for myself,
I remember that I appreciate how this company at least (seemingly) claims to have a good moral level of inclusion of those with learning challenges,
emotional challenges or some kind of atypical struggles..
(As a reminder to make even when reading this for myself clear.. he didn’t say that part regarding the anti-ableism..),

But the point is clear,
Like he said,
What I must do,
As he again showed me,
Is “easy”,
And that I,
“know it”,
But when I screwed up as the boxes fell over..
As for using it against me,
As I saw it coming,
As I saw him walking in my direction..
As I predicted..
He still utilized the opportunity,
To express his frustration at the easy target,
That of course..
Being me..

So I eventually,
tried to briefly tell him,
of my atypical “neurological” and/or emotional adversity,
To help him understand more why I still struggle to do,
What I clearly view,
As EASY,

So.. I told him what I have can be referred to as “mild autism” or “Asperger’s Syndrome”,
Which he never heard of,
And aside from all our different life challenges,
insecurities and/or suffering,
I still judged him not knowing about the name(s) of my condition(s) as a blessing,
For seemingly,
not having a similar level of those particular challenges,
And/or not having to overcome them to a similar degree,
And not still being bothered and/or inhibited by them (although in many ways to a lesser degree),
Still too frequently,

So I somewhat explained myself,
And although to me he seemingly somewhat understood,
I STILL acknowledged how I’m WELL AWARE that I’m still “equally accountable”,
And that I’m not trying to “make excuses”,
And even though he now might know more about what to expect of me and why I still fail to do what is easy..
Even though,
As compared to many I’ve had struggles with,
This supervisor is still,
FAR nicer,

I’m also WELL AWARE that,
People still,
Speaking for myself especially,
Don’t just change instantly,

And I’m well aware that,
Due to my atypical adversity,
Even the people who are nice to me,
Still snap at me,
As I’d guess..
More than most others,
Unfortunately..

So as I expected before I started working here,
As I expect whether it’s from him,
Or from whoever,
There will (as there has been),
More of the same bullshit..

It could get worse?
Hopefully not, obviously..
Yet..
I always,
In whatever forms,
Try to prepare myself for it,
And try NOT to derail myself,
So I especially do NOT fly into a life-ruining dark hole or ditch because of it,

To say it again..
And while revising and having forgot I also wrote this,
Yet still wanting to include this:
More moments when I struggle to do,
Even what I view,
As “easy shit”,
Yet,
due to my atypical internal struggles,
I’ll have bad moments,
That give me more shit,
Since for criticism,
And others displacing their insecurity onto me by trying to feel above me,
I’ll still be an easy target,

As for understanding healing,
or however I must be self/spiritually improving,
Just because I understand it..
Doesn’t mean I’m good at it..

Just because I know what it means to juggle 11 balls does NOT mean I can do it,
It does NOT mean I have done it,
It does NOT mean I’ll ever do it..
However,
Same idea pertains to inner development,
Yet,
Since juggling is no longer my primary focus,
Unlike juggling,
As for inner development,
As for present inner awareness,
To be as alert as I can,
To further appreciate as much as I can,
In any moment of experience..
I plan to stick with it,

And,
Of course,
To me,
My practice must be sufficiently consistent,
To experience more of it,
In whatever forms,
Ongoingly,

As of now,
At age 26.5ish,
I’m responding,
To shit,
Yet,
I’m trying,
To deepen,
Or however broaden,
my understanding,
And I guess,
my personal analysis..
of it,
?

Whether in response to any form(s) of whatever micro to macro levels of emotional abuse,
Or whatever levels of any type(s) of bullying..
For whatever reason why,
I was not able to express,
Clear,
civil,
peaceful,
rational expression and/or feeling,
In moments of witnessing and/or encountering,
Once again,
This is why I’m posting,
More of what I have to say,
In my time,
To respond,

It is,
My VALUABLE time,
For responding,

Although those in deep holes (or levels) of irrational unconsciousness,
may not adequately understand (if at all) or just dismiss,
my rational response(s) resulting from whatever moment(s),
Since irrational states can’t just “become rational” instantly..
To once again paraphrase Socrates,
Such as in my post “Examining My Life”..
Rational responding is CRUCIAL to me,

To emphasize it again,
It is tremendously important,
Since it is,
me “examining my life”,
so my life is,
“worth living”,

So I,
Sufficiently align with my truth that I see as NEEDED,
Which I therefore feel I must do,
To continually attain the best experience I can,
To get the most meaning and fruitfulness,
Out of the physical form I presently manifest in,
As a wave of all existence,
JUST SAYING..
Since it’s important to sustain rational observing,
Since our life is DEFINITELY worth EXAMINING,

..

If others are mean to me,
I may not be able to confront them,
or advocate for myself,
adequately,
Clearly and/or express myself sufficiently precisely,
In those kinds of moments,

So once I have more time to internally process it,
To share deeper feelings,
Which I was more able to put into words after it,
I can form a more rational,
Helpful,
Response to it,

This post evidently came from the time I cherish,
This post came from my..,
Time to respond,

Although there may be a lot of revising,
and/or elaborating,
and/or adding, subtracting,
compacting ideas,
to be more straight and/or clear to the point and/or feeling(s) instead of obsessive thinking overloading my writing,

..

Whatever I “should” or could do to this post that may be helpful,
At least,
Including this,
Including all my others posts,
Including all my unshared and/or “not yet shared” writing,
I am grateful that,
I have had,
time to respond,
To what I previously didn’t get a chance to respond to,
Sufficiently in a way,
I rationally prefer to,

And a reason why I’m grateful,
For having the time I had,
To respond,
To what I felt a need to respond to,
Is because I feel it has helped make my time in this form,
Feel more beneficial,

Regardless to the extent it actually does,
I hope,
Or I wish,
For my posts,
To somehow,
Whether now, later, or whenever,
If not always,
Be helpful