More Capable

Since if others keep getting mad at me,
Such as using what I ALREADY know is “wrong with me” against me,
frequently,
Like how a work supervisor I once had got angry and said,
“Oh my god this is so special Ed!”
And when I told her how I have “Asperger’s Syndrome”,
She said “Oh you definitely have it”,
Instead of “I’m sorry to hear that”..

Anyway.. I’ll elaborate in my short stories if I decide to publicize them one day..

Since I have far more developmental, emotional and/or neurological challenges than most others,
I’m vulnerable to more anger directed towards me,
Especially in a culture that doesn’t emphasize inner development,
Such as empathy,

Therefore others often get frustrated with my slow learning and annoying questions as they teach me,

Similar to what I’ve discussed in other posts..
If others keep snapping at me,
I’ll LIKELY snap back eventually,

Yet,
they’ll still act surprised and ask me questions such as,
“What is wrong with you?”
Or they’ll add to criticism by telling me stuff such as that same supervisor did:
“You can’t handle criticism”,
With zero empathy,
And with zero support,
for my type of atypical adversity,

Instead of that pointless energy they dump on me,
They COULD,
practice clearing it themselves,
To experience the moment clearer themselves,
And to offer me,
EMPATHY,
when I struggle to learn,
And when I struggle,
to control my emotion in response to THEIR frustration,
At me,
Which they’ll downplay as “criticism” or “honesty”,
Instead of verbal emotional displacement,
Instead of acknowledging how they’re using me as an easy punching bag,
To cover up their insecurity by trying to instantly gratify their insecure egos by feeling a sense of clear power over me,
As they emotionally shit on me,
And as I do NOT confront them perpetually,

But if I don’t clear the hurt that builds in me,
There will come a point,
Where I’ll hit that inevitable breaking point,
When what they gave me fills in me,
So much,
That it’ll explode out of me,
As a bomb of toxic irrationality,

Since my emotions will have blinded me,
As a result of their emotional blindness,
As a result of their empathic numbness,
That internally destroyed filled me with despair,
With no guidance on inner healing, and/or (as for rhyming..) repair,

So “in a nutshell”,
to predict the outcome of my inner hell,
if controlling it becomes unbearable,
The bad,
Pointless energy will explode out of me,
Uncontrollably,
And I’ll be dismissed by the majority,
Possibly as a “nut” who is inexplicably “evil”, and/or “unwell”,

As for those who judge me shallow and carelessly,
Those who emotionally hurt me,
(At least most seemingly, especially during those periods of their irrationality..),
Assume that I have “no reason” to get offended,
They’ll have no consideration for my atypical struggles,
And when I express my anger,
Even if it’s completely,
CLEARLY,
NOT directed at them,
But in an unusual,
atypically emotionally intense way,
That got triggered due to all my history of others mistreating me,
Due to personal frustration with learning disabilities,
They STILL can’t see,
Or conveniently choose not to see,
why I express myself the way I do,
After all they do and express brutally inconsiderately to me!!

When my supervisor told me “it’s no surprise” I have “Asperger’s Syndrome”, that just worsened the pain within,
It offered me nothing other than more frustration for myself,
Aside from this blog post and short stories,

And of course,
That’s just “the tip”,
Of the tip,
“Of the iceberg”,

Those who go through their confident out of touch emotions,
Those who unquestionably, unapologetically dump their emotions on me,
who have made me believe that I’m the one who “should apologize”,
just keep themselves shut down,
In their world views,
In their highest known level of comfort,
And don’t question how they treat me,
In order to avoid guilt,
or whatever form of inner discomfort,

Based on my judgments..
They don’t try to be a better force,
For whatever reason,
And another assumption why I have,
About why they just keep getting through the day in a shallow,
surface level way,
Instead of seeking everlasting deepening, expanding,
fulfilling truths,
Is because,
They have not been faced with the same levels of atypical learning and emotional struggle..
They weren’t atypically challenged like me,
So they weren’t forced to open to self/spiritual development paths,
In order to self-improve themselves enough for survival,
Since,
IN THAT REGARD,
they didn’t,
And still don’t,
have as rough of a struggle,

Yet they’ll assume it’s me who acts “crazy”,
They would assume it’s me who’s the culprit of bad energy,
They assume I’m the one to blame for all my adversity,
With no regard to judgmental superficial unconscious abuse, and/or exclusion, and/or mistreatment of those atypically challenged like me,
With all their developmental adversity,

It’s just too bad,
We could be directing our energy,
in so much better directions,

Yet we waste so much of it,
Due to undeveloped awareness,
So we create more of a mess for ourselves,
Whether it’s personal,
Or social/human tragic, catastrophic struggle on a macro level,

Although in certain ways we may consider ourselves to be “comfortable”,

I still feel,
Or believe that many of us,
Are far more capable