Others assume it’s “my fault”,
They’ll always think I’m wrong,
They’ll make what is already too hard for me,
Harder,
Making it intolerably harder,
To stay strong,
However much longer,
Of course I’m still here..
(In this sentient physical form..),
And never plan to willingly go elsewhere,
Like I said in this blog previously,
I know it is an ignorant (and/or useless) attempt to block out feelings of insecurity,
To try to feel,
securely in control,
by feeling above me,
By controlling me as they express their anger at me,
Giving them that instantly gratifying, tempting,
yet impermanent,
feeling of security,
Since I’m an “easy target”,
And even though this doesn’t heal the inner source of their pain (aside from exacerbating mine),
Even though for them this is temporary,
It’s convenient and easy,
So they’ll “just do it”,
Even though it has no moral benefit,
No moral development,
Yet deepens entrenchment,
In unconscious external seeking,
And reducing awareness building for inner healing..
Just..
Saying..
I believe,
They do this because their insecurity makes them react to me unconsciously,
So they don’t question or consider how they treat me,
Since they’re blinded by irrationality,
And,
They just let it fly out carelessly,
(Not saying I “know”..),
Yet as for them,
they seemingly,
Don’t know how the ego operates,
So they do what they do,
Because they don’t work on healing themselves,
Because they’re not aware how to,
And (possibly) haven’t felt a significant need to..
So they perpetuate behavior that doesn’t address the root causes,
Yet causes me,
More painful obstacles,
In my day to day,
Present to present,
Reality..
And even though I can practice developing control,
To better respond to their emotionally harmful lack of control,
Including avoiding escalating situations so it doesn’t become physical,
Or worse..
However,
Since I struggle at being sufficiently, consistently aware,
I still may be more vulnerable,
To unconsciously reacting harmfully,
To their unconscious lack of control,
They inflict on me,
Constantly,
(Of course I still try to work on myself, to develop and therefore protect myself (and others) to a needed degree..)
Whether most others are typically less aware,
Or if we’re,
equally unaware,
However,
Since they (or “many”) aren’t emotionally and/or neurologically challenged to the degree that’s as bad as me,
They’re lucky that they’re not as in need of,
A self and/or spiritual development practice,
To sustain their survival in this physical sentient form of existence,
However,
Regardless of our fortunes and/or misfortunes,
Well,
The more we open to deeper truths,
To me it seems,
The more will come to us,
That seems to help us appreciate whatever we experience,
That seems to be the truth..
Speaking of misfortunes,
The other day,
Since a coworker didn’t believe me,
When I continuously said I “never had a girlfriend”,
Since my coworker kindly said I’m a “good looking guy”,
I briefly told my coworker the true story..
And since he still didn’t believe me,
I showed my coworker numerous times on Tinder,
me receiving no reply after saying “hi”,
Including times,
After the women said something,
then me replying and still getting nothing..
As opposed to my coworker initially saying..
“I feel bad for the girls”,
Assuming it was me,
not replying..
So after I made more clear,
The reality,
I was like..
“You still don’t believe me?”
And then my coworker said,
“Now I feel sorry for you”,
(Yes I know Tinder is not the only place to look.. and I can change what I look for.. and how.. (and as for my beliefs and experiences there’s a lot more to it.. that I wrote in other writing pieces I haven’t shared yet) etc.. etc.. (but that’s not one of the main points here.. hence the title..))
And even though,
I know my level of autism,
Inhibits my chances of a relationship,
Due to all my inner unhealed bullshit,
Well..
As for existence,
There’s just more to it,
Life is,
NOT just autism,
Life is,
NOT just love relationships..
To me (as always..),
My deeper,
Truer essence,
is deeper than my level of autism,
My deeper,
Truer essence,
Is deeper than any depth in any type of infatuation relationship,
(If not any type of relationship..)
Even though I feel in many ways,
Misfortunate,
Still..
To not hit an emotional and/or existential crisis,
To avoid “losing my shit”,
Because of it,
I’ve been forced to try to deepen and clear my awareness,
Due to healing,
being with it,
And,
Of course,
mitigating the pain,
That results,
From it,
On break while typing my future post “If I don’t like Me”,
The same coworker asked me,
about my writing,
And I told my coworker how after we first met at work,
I included a side of my coworker,
in a piece of writing (which I thought I posted but I guess I didn’t since I didn’t see it unless I missed it.. (so I told him (to warn him), incase he came across it when reading my blog that he seemed interested to read)),
Regardless,
The way I depicted my initial interaction with my coworker,
Suggested I INITIALLY didn’t (or wouldn’t) like the guy as a friend,
But fortunately,
As time went on,
The first impression I had,
Didn’t indicate the most types of friendly interactions we’ve had this far,
And so it was a fortune he said “it’s okay”,
and wasn’t upset,
So it’s fortunate he’s chill about it,
Which is fortunate since as for publishing writing,
I may want to use it,
?
Yet,
I still felt bad,
So I explained to my coworker that it wasn’t with judgmental intent,
But based on an experience I had,
And that it is supposed to be “light-hearted”,
Regardless,
And evidently,
There are different sides,
To everybody,
Regardless of first, second, third, or however many impressions,
Seemingly,
I guess,
We may all change,
And unexpectedly manifest in ways that are very unexpected,
So although I can never CERTAINLY tell what to expect,
To me it’s fortunate,
That our interactions on the job were positive,
and in a helpful,
supportive spirit,
Even though when first meeting my coworker on the job,
When he was asking me questions,
Which made me form assumptions,
that he was suspicious of me,
Due to me also assuming virtually all others thought I was weird (in a bad way) due to behavior I displayed,
due to having learning and social/emotional atypically worse adversity,
I thought..
Man..
“This guy won’t like me”,
Fortunately,
As of now,
I can say,
That wasn’t the story,
Regardless,
Even though I could have had even more misfortunate misfortunes,
I still prefer different misfortunes than the misfortunes I have,
Yet..
Even though I get upset,
I know that,
My misfortunes,
Fortunately,
Are not my deepest essence,
That deepens and clears,
In infinite directions,
that go on infinitely,
Fortunately,
According to me
Zach Dana Writing 