If I don’t like Me

If I don’t like me (or myself),
Instead of offering healing energy,
Others (meaning some (if not most)) will use my bullied,
post-traumatic,
low-confident,
obsessive energy against me,
To (as I often say) try to instantly, conveniently block out their own insecurity,
By feeling more above,
To try to feel more “secure” control,
And to try to feel “better” about themselves by clearly proving to themselves that they’re “better” than me,
Even if they do this knowingly,
Yet since their ensnared in strong TEMPTING ego gratification energy,
They’ll utilize the OPPORTUNITY,
To FEED of off the weakness they see in me,
For their own sense (although ultimately pointless attempt) of grasping their preferred level of feeling,
of ego,
“security”,

If I don’t like me,
Others will get FRUSTRATED,
With my low confident energy,
And instead of healing me,
They’re react DEFENSIVELY,
Due to unreasonable fear of my low confident energy,
contaminating them,
equally,

If I don’t like me,
Like in the above stanza,
Others will avoid me,
Due to an immense fear of becoming like me,

If I don’t like me,
Others with higher (yet still insecure) confidence,
will sense my low confidence,
Then take advantage of me,

If I don’t like me,
Others will sense my desperation,
And will want to try to manipulate me,
Into their ideology,

If I don’t like me,
Others will feel a need,
to give me advice repeatedly,
Without considering that I may have heard it repeatedly..
Without considering just telling me surface level truths,
Without considering that understanding truths,
Without proper guidance,
On how to,
in addition to cognitively understanding, yet actually attain needed and/or profound benefits from ACTUALLY experiencing these truths,
Especially in this case..
Won’t sufficiently help me,
Experience more of the truth that’ll actually help me,
According to me,
Truthfully..

If I don’t like me,
I’ll get sucked into similar dark patterns,
That I’ve been in before,
And however much before that,
Then others will get frustrated at me,
Due to my obsessive low-confident energy,
And instead of supporting me,
The insecurity in them will feel a need to criticize me,
If not punish me,
And shut me down,
and raise my fear and various forms of hypersensitive emotion up,
Immensely,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll let others mistreat me,
And I’ll think it’s “because of me”,
Due to not wanting to admit that I’m in a messed up reality that treats me,
UNFAIRLY,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll act politely,
To those who are unreasonably mean to me,
And I’ll fearfully apologize to them,
to obsessively ease the situation,
Even though truthfully,
They’re the ones,
who must apologize to me,
Which won’t hurt,
as I also cleanse myself inwardly,
of the harmful energy,
that came out of them,
and got sucked into me..

If I don’t like me,
I’ll feel bad,
Causing others to get mad,
And tell me,
“GET OUT OF YOUR VICTIM MENTALITY”,
with no consideration of my atypically painful “autistic” history,
That I still struggle with,
Which hasn’t healed completely,
Clearly due to memories I still carry with me,

If I don’t like me,
My low confidence will interfere with fulfilling my accountability,
Causing me to wind up in a deeper hole of adversity,

If I don’t like me,
Others will insult me,
Knowing I won’t challenge them,
(And similar to what I said in the first stanza..),
So I’ll make others feel “better about themselves”,
Since they’ll feel “above me”,
Since their mood will be “above” mine,
since they brought my mood “down”,
Although they’ll only experience,
this feeling temporarily,
Since they didn’t get to their inner source(s) of insecurity and heal,
cleanse,
and/or clear their demons and/or toxic,
traumatized internal energy,
sufficiently,

If I don’t like me,
My lack of confidence will pressure me into conformity,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll “agree”,
With what truly does NOT,
“speak to me”,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll try to agree,
with what I don’t view as practical,
Productive reality,
Since I’ll lack the confidence,
To stay true to myself,
Even if that increases the possibility,
that I’ll end up by myself,
Instead of being around other unconscious,
unquestioning,
conformists,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll keep my mouth shut,
While others mistreat me,

If I don’t like me,
My unconscious lack of confidence will lie to me,
By telling me,
That the abuse I receive from others is “good for me”,
And I’ll deny how it’s traumatizing me,
I’ll deny how it’s,
shutting me down,
increasingly,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll be too trustworthy,
Of others,
Who claim that they’re (regardless of whatever level they actually are..), “trying to help me”,
And my lack of consciousness and confidence,
Will allow them to damage,
and take advantage,
of my valuable life experience,
Which I’m presently experiencing,
Yet actually have infinite capability on expanding and deepening,
In this physical form I’m in,
As part of,
existence,
Yet instead I won’t experience any of this,
If I put up with their harmful unconsciousness,
Take advantage,
And/or exploit,
My present blessings in this form of existence,

If I don’t like me,
Essentially,
I will NOT have the confidence,
To try and PREVENT others from taking my true inner capability,
Away from me,

If I don’t like me,
I will NOT stop others,
From preventing me,
From inwardly accessing and expanding,
Infinite new forms of infinite new capability,
From ever and/or continuing to develop in me,
as I manifest them,
Outwardly,

If I don’t like me,
I won’t have the confidence,
To say “NO” to what I KNOW I must say “NO” to,
Because since I wouldn’t like me,
I’ll become hopeless and then,
More careless,
If not “reckless”,
More frequently,

If I don’t like me,
I’ll be more unconscious than I feel to be usually,
I’ll disproportionately fear for my safety,
And I’ll then excessively,
Lack confidence for sufficient economic “adulting” self-sustainability,
So to try to feel “better”,
My unconscious insecure ego,
Will direct it’s attention elsewhere,
In a direction,
That takes my capability for, self-sustaining living,
And deeper,
Clearer experiencing,
No where,
Yet father away,
From what I prefer,
to be experiencing now,
Or someday,

If I don’t like me,
I feel I must really consider that,
As a likely result,
I’ll limit my capability,
Of increasing and experiencing my capability,
That’s possible in the physical manifestation I’m existing in,
Presently